Staring At Trouble Remix
by Orli
Summary: ‘The difference between confusion and anger was the amount of blood.’ Ryro, Logan, Scott, et al, masochism, self-mutilation; Complete. Please review.
1. Unexpected

I here forth **DISCLAIM** X-MEN as my own.  Here's a **_WARNING _**that there is****some profanity, sexual reference and _Masochism.  If you cannot handle knives slicing flesh do not continue(story doesn't revolve around the masochism)_.  BOBBY, JOHN AND JEAN are ooc, so no bitchin' please. Archive is welcome.  Email ebony@linkinpark.com.  PLEASE send feed back and suggestions.  The **Settting** is Movie-verse, partially Evolution and comics.  Rogue is based off of the movie-verse and Evolution Rogues.  Thanks Chiang for being my editor, and Tatiana for your help.  *Please read and **REVIEW** my **plot-** **related short story**, Masochist, and this story's **first version**, Staring At Trouble.*

**Staring At Trouble Remix**

Sunday, 9 June 2002 - Thursday, 13 June 2002 (Friday, 20 June 2002)

1. Unexpected

The clothes... _my_ clothes, were the norm to everyone.  The clothes that covered almost every part of my body.  They knew the clothes would protect them from my lethal skin, and, of course, I was comfortable in them at all times, no matter what the temperature or conditions were.  And they knew that the clothes were a way for me to 'express myself", and in a way they did; the clothes expressed what _needed_ to be hidden from them.

'They' were, obviously, the teachers and students that lived, taught, learned and formed a distinctive community at Xavier's Institute.  To them there was no way that what they thought they knew and what was true could be different, and I had no intentions of edifying them, but they would not remain ignorant forever.

After I had set my toothbrush holder down back its spot, I slipped on a black long sleeve shirt- the only kind I had- and walked out of my bathroom into my room.  I did not share a room with anyone, not yet anyway.  It was time for class and I would be late if I did not leave soon.  I walked to my bed, grabbed the books I needed and headed out of the room, closing the door behind me.

I usually sit in the back of my classes alone.  By choice.  When I was new Kitty and Jubilee would take turns sitting next to me.  I was Project Hope.  Their ephemeral entertainment.  Friendships that start that way prevail through nothing.  Eventually the decision to reject me was made when I almost killed Logan, though he had almost killed me first.  I doubt I missed out on anything of significant value.  Once in a while one of them would strike up a conversation and I would end it.

One of the major influences on my life and mental disposition would be Logan.  He is the reason I am here, although I think I would have ended up here anyway.  He did not stay long after rescuing me from Magneto.  Something about finding himself.  Leaving me with dog tags that he promised to return to reclaim.  Most people assumed certain things about me after that.  I realize I had become attached; there was maybe even a crush, but that was the past… though that may be too easy to say considering he is not here.

Scott walked into the class.  A wave of silence fell through the room quickly, crushing the earlier stridence.  I looked up at this with perplexity and suspicion.  Silence… for Scott?  They usually never took notice of him until he started teaching.  If a subterfuge had been planned this was not the way to act normal.  Bobby walked into the room furtively a moment later.

"Hello Bobby," Scott stated still walking to the front of the class, with his back towards us.

"Hey," he replied, immediately becoming morose.  He walked over, placed his things down and sat next to me.

"Take out your homework and pass it to the end of your row," he said to the class.

I looked at Bobby, once again confused; he had escaped a lecture on being tardy.  I disregarded the fact that he was sitting next to me.  A smile crossed his face.

"This is… unexpected," he whispered. 

"What did I miss?" I asked quietly.

"They broke up," he stated.  I would have to thank him for his intricate answer.

"Who?"

"Our teacher and his girlfriend," he stated, still grinning. "I had no idea he'd take it this way."

I looked at Scott, who looked normal, and his voice had sounded normal, though I do not know him all that well.  I examined him again.  There was something different; he was not as… stiff.  The chatter slowly started up again.

"Maybe it was because they dated so long," Bobby said.

I wondered if dating someone for so long could do that to a person, make her or him stiff and tedious, or maybe it was just the lack of Jean that had brought about the nice change of attitude.  I pulled my homework out of my folder and passed it to Bobby who passed it down along with his.

"He's so cute this way," Kitty whispered to no one in particular.

I kept my eyes on Scott to see what other changes I could spot.  I think I did this all period because after class; as we walked down the hall, Bobby asked, "Do you have a thing for Scott now?"  There was some emotion I could not recognize in his voice, or maybe I did not want to recognize it.

"'A thing'… No," I answered.  His eyes lingered on mine for a second.

"Yeah, well we'll see how Jean took it in a second," he stated.  We had her class next; I doubted she would show any of her emotions in class.

We walked into her class; she was not there as she normally was.  I sat down in my usual spot, to my surprise Bobby sat next to me again.  It must have showed.

"Do you mind?" he asked. 

"…No."

He smiled and Jean walked in.  Once again the infamous wave of silence returned.  Her face was impassive and her walk was arrogant.

"Pass your homework up," she commanded succinctly walking to the front of the class.

"Ooh, she sounds bitter," stated Bobby.  And she did.

"Bobby, do you have something to say?" Jean asked with a harsh tone and a glare. 

"No, ma'am," he said.  

He turned to me and whispered, "I didn't think she heard."

"Let's get straight to work.  You have bookwork, pages 539 through 771.  This is the unit.  Do the section reviews, the chapter reviews and the unit review.   This is class work and homework.  Get to work," she commanded.  This was unquestionably retribution.

The students looked around in astonishment.

"Get to work," she said more sternly and with anger in her raised voice.  She walked to her desk and sat on it, looking across the room with a glare.  I opened my book and got out some paper and a pencil.  Bobby turned to say something just as Jean got up and walked promptly to the door, stopping as if she forgot something.  She turned around and all eyes were on her.

"Stay quiet, if I come back and you're talking, you will pay for it tomorrow," then she walked out the room.  As soon as she had been away for at least 10 seconds, the room burst out in conversation.  I heard random words, mostly "crazy bitch".  Jubilee and Kitty quickly turned around simultaneously, which added a weird effect to their turning around.

"What the hell is her problem?" Jubilee asked. "Why is she taking it out on us?  No wonder Scott dumped her bitchy, uptight ass."

 Bobby stifled a laugh.

"Don't even say anything, pervert," Kitty ordered, "So do you two wanna, like, share the work?"

"Yeah," Bobby answered, not denying that he was a pervert.  I nodded.  We figured out our parts and they turned back around unsynchronized, not leaving with the same effect they had entered with.  The room silenced down to some quiet talk.  A few minutes later Jean walked in with the same stolid look and the stiffly supercilious walk.  She went back to her desk, sat on it, crossed her arms and glared across the room once more.  Bobby and I got to work on our parts of the assignment.  Everyone worked for the rest of the class.  A ridiculous amount of sighs of frustration were released around the room.  Annoying me and moreover Jean.

"Stop sighing!" Jean said with vexation in her voice.

"I feel no sympathy for her, like at all," Kitty replied after class.  We all split up.  Bobby grinned and ruffled my hair before he left.  After he had walked away, I turned around feeling repugnance at his attempt to emulate Logan.

The next day, things were back to normal in the fact that I sat alone in class, but Jean and Scott's attitudes had not changed.

"Clear your desk, take out a pen," Jean commanded.  The sound of binders closing, papers shuffling and books closing filled the room.  Jean waited until it was quiet.

"For yesterday's behavior, yes, I heard you talking, you have a pop test," she looked around with a simper.  I had never heard of a pop test.  Did not know they existed, but they did in her disdainful mind.

All hell broke lose.  Jubilee stood up and told Jean what she thought about her new attitude before another remonstrance could be made.  Jean's mouth dropped down so low, I thought she could lick the floor.  Jean's astonished expression soon changed to a peevish one.  John was brazen -or imprudent- enough to start laughing, but soon stopped when her death glower landed on him.  Jubilee's eyes went wide as Jean moved towards her, and she in response recoiled.  In short Jean literally chased her around the room, then sent her to Xavier.  Thankfully she was so pissed off that there was no test, and Jubilee was the heroine.

They next day, we received a new student in Jean's class.  It was a girl; she had chestnut colored hair and showed no appearances of being a mutant.  And, she had come with Logan.  I_ thought_ I had recognized a change in both Scott and Jean's attitudes.  Jean's acrimonious behavior had disappeared.  Scott of course was not excited and Jean, well, was.  Why should she not be?  Logan was her chance for retribution.

Jean told the girl, whose name was Tessalyn, to pick a seat.  Bobby raised his hand.

"Yes?" jean said.

"Yeah, there's free seat right here…Tess," Bobby declared.

Jean rolled her eyes.

He had given her a nickname before she had even spoken.  Tess took the seat.  We did not do much in class that day, considering that Jean was as anxious to get out of class as we were.  Jubilee and Kitty immediately went to talking with Tess and Bobby.  I knew there would be no more attempts to restore Project Hope again.  That it had been left to rot in its desolation.  Oh yeah, she is my roommate.

I ran into Logan in the hall later that day before dinner.  He was waiting at my door.  "For me?' I thought curiously.  But of course not, Tess walked out, greeting him with a smile.  He was walking her to dinner.

He looked up at me and I saw a look of pure surprise, most likely a response to my appearance.  This was not how he had left me.  It was quickly overcome by an expression of wonder: should he ignore me, treat as if we were the best friends in the world, or use minimum interface, to keep my 'hopes' down.  As long as he did not say…

"Hey kid," he addressed.  I did not say anything back; I bit the inside of my cheek and looked at Tess.  This was his _new_ mentoree.

"Hi," I said to her.  I was just asking for discomfiture.  She looked at Logan, and then me.

"Hi."

And, naturally, the awkward silence followed.  I walked towards them, and neither of them moved.  I walked past Logan, making sure to get as close as I could with out making any contact, to the door.  Everything about him was familiar, including his smell.  I pressed in the code and walked in, closing the door behind me, but staying near it.

"That was… unexpected," I heard Logan say.

"I heard she was like that, and she's _my_ roommate," she replied with abhorrence in her voice.

"She's not that bad.  Don't believe every-," he started.

I stopped listening.  I was not '_that bad_'.   Rejected twice.  In one day.  And oddly for the same person, Tess.  Should I be surprised or hurt?  I was not 'that bad'… if you had me under control.  All the pieces of Bobby's puzzle were set in place.  He sat next to me that day because he wanted something different.  Discovering I had no feelings for Scott assured him that no one stood in his way of using me as he desired.   But I was dead weight, and someone new came along, so he ignored me and for some reason it seemed typical, like it was from a TV show.  It was clear that Logan had not expected any change at the mansion, nonetheless me.  Things would be the same way he left them and maybe Tess and I would be best friends.  Well fuck that, and fuck him.  One would think he would be the last person, to fall for some fairy tale crap like that.  It is generally nothing to me when I get rejected or ignored, but the fact that _Logan _had _replaced_ me with Tess and I just became some 'kid', made me feel like shit.

I would be skipping dinner tonight.  I looked around my room.  Our room… was entirely transformed.  It was littered with posters and other crap Kitty and Jubilee would most likely have.  I quickly ran into the bathroom.  It had not been infested yet.  I picked my toothbrush holder up, revealing the small, rectangular razor.

My razor.  Helped me in a way most people never could.  It let me experience touch on my bare skin when the counterfeit feel of hands ruffling my hair, contact over my clothes and of my own touch were not enough.  It was my counselor; through it I released my anger, pain, confusion and curiosity.  That shiny piece of metal that left scars that I did not mind.  No one could see and make sense of them anyway, since the scars were concealed under what everyone took as their protection.  I would have to find a new hiding spot for it.

I used that time during dinner to use my 'counselor'; I did not worry about being interrupted, since Tess would most likely be in the game room meeting people after dinner, giving me extra time.  Logan by now had found out that Jean was single.  The people who stood between them had been removed, giving him a chance.  Though he had one before.  I used my time to release my disappointment, confusion and resentment; and my disappointment slowly turned into anger.  The difference between confusion and anger was the amount of blood.  I cleaned up after myself and put the razor in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.  My sessions would most likely have to be during dinner.

I was stagnant after, as usual.  I decided I needed some food.  I rolled out of bed, and walked to the kitchen.  When I arrived, Scott was there sitting down at a table, looking at a newspaper.  I passed the table and went to the refrigerator.  I looked around for something good to eat.  I did not have much luck.  I had no idea where they kept the leftovers; they probably did not.  Some fruit, drinks, ketchup, a brown paper bag, and some other stuff, all crap.  I was not in the mood for cereal or breakfast.  So I grabbed a peach and walked to Scott's table.

"May I?" I asked.  He looked up, and then nodded, "Thanks."

He nodded again.  I sat down and bit into my peach.

"Are you avoiding Jean?" I asked.  Maybe those were not the best choice of words.  Maybe it was the blood loss.  He looked up again and I could not tell if he was angry or not.

"I didn't… sorry," I said quietly.

"And Logan," he said, and then looked back down.  I was half way done with my peach when I spoke again.

"And Tess," I added, "Bobby, Kitty and Jubilee."

"What?" he left his head up.

"I'm avoiding them, too," I said.

"Why?"

"I-," Jean and Logan followed by Bobby and Tess entered.  That notorious wave of silence reappeared, starting with me, then Logan and Jean and finally Bobby and Tess.  It was remarkably tense.  They looked a little surprised.  'You aren't the only ones getting over someone,' I thought.  The conversation we were having obviously had nothing to do with that.  Bobby opened his mouth to say something and I turned back to Scott.

"I think you know," I answered.  He glanced at them, and then nodded.  Logan left without saying a word, and Tess followed.  Jean and Bobby went to the refrigerator.  Jean got two sodas and handed them to Bobby.  From the corner of my eye, I could see that Bobby was looking at us.  Jean got a beer for Logan and a soda and walked out, followed by Bobby a moment after.  I finished my peach.  'Hope he doesn't sit next to me tomorrow, and nag about Scott and me,' I thought.

"…Bye," I said getting up and throwing my peach seed away.

"Goodnight," he replied.  I walked back to my room.  I switched out of my regular clothes.  I was dead asleep before Tess returned.

The next day it was not Bobby who sat next to me, it was his messenger John.

"Hi," he greeted.  I did not remember touching Scott, but it seemed that I had taken on some of his traits.  I nodded with out looking up.

"Sup?"

I looked up at him and answered honestly, "I don't know how to answer that."

"Aren't you glad Jean's back to normal?  I thought she was bad enough before Scott dumped her.  Luckily Logan came back just in time with Tess…" he trailed off looking at me.  I did not look up at him.

"Yeah... she and Bobby are dating," he stated.  What was he trying to do?

"That's nice," I responded.

Jean came in the classroom.  As she walked by she glanced at me.  And on that note John said, "I heard about last night."

"Heard about what?" I asked confused.

"You and Scott," he answered.

"Huh?" I said.

"How you two had a date last night," he confirmed.

"No we didn't.  Who told you that?" I inquired.

"Bobby," he stated bluntly.

"Is he spreading a rumor?" I asked getting angry.

"No, I don't think he would do that to you, Rogue."

"Is he getting _Tess_ to do it?" I asked sardonically.  He did not answer.  Jean started talking.  She was telling us our next assignment, some worksheet, "Blah, blah, blah.  Blah, blah."

John leaned towards me and whispered, "So do you like Scott?"

 "No," I answered.

"Is the answer _really_ no, Rag?" he asked.

"What?!  I'll rag you, boy!" I retorted raising my voice slightly.

"I meant- I- a nickna-… Oops?" he stuttered.

"Don't do it again." I said.

"That sounded like a Britney Spears song," he stated grinning.

We looked up to see Jean looking over at us and we stopped talking.  She then started passing out a handout.  When she got to me, she looked me in the eye, with a skeptical expression on her face.  Pure suspicion.

"Thank you," I said and gave her a feigned smile, wanting to tell her off.  I was starting to become exceedingly irritated with her and Bobby.  John waited until she was out of hearing distance.

"Look, Bobby sent me here to ask you about Scott," he revealed.

"I don't see how that is any of his business," I answered.  I looked over at Bobby who in return was looking at us; he looked away.

 "It isn't, and this is… elementary," John declared seemingly irritated with himself.

"Then why'd you do it?" I asked looking at him.

"He begged me too," he replied.  Begged?  I pictured Bobby on his knees…

"Did he give you any sexual favors?" I questioned.

"I will ignore that," he responded.  And that meant?

"I don't see how it matters since he has a girlfriend," I replied.

"Maybe he likes you... too."

"I think it's more of a control thing."

He looked thoughtful, knitting his brows as he considered my last statement.  He glanced over at Bobby, who was once again looking at us.  His mouth tilted up slightly and his eyes slightly narrowed.  He turned back to me, "I wouldn't doubt it."

1. Unexpected

Sorry it took so long to post this.  I originally posted this on 24th, but it got deleted. : (  Oh, well, I'm working on chapter four right now (not posting 2 until I get some feedback), suggestions and reviews are very _nice_. : D


	2. Lately

Tuesday, 18 June 2002 – Tuesday, 25 June 2002 (Monday 8 July 2002)

II. Lately

I walked out of Professor Xavier's office feeling drained as always, like I had cut in too many places and lost too much blood.  I needed to sleep.  The professor and I had sessions every Saturday to work on control over my curse, better known as my mutation.  You would swear that I was a telepath from the exercises I had to do, but I am not complaining.  I am gradually gaining control.  _Extremely_ gradually.

I walked to my room feeling drowsy and slow.  In the hallway it was not Logan waiting outside my door, but Bobby.  No questions about for whom this time.  Tess came out of the room, saw me and immediately started walking towards me.  She must have been looking for me.  I slowed down.

"Rogue," she said, "Could you stay with Kitty and Jubilee for the night, please?"

"And do what?" I asked confused.  My words came out slower than I thought them.

"I don't know.  Hang out.  We want to use the room," she replied motioning her head towards Bobby, who was watching us.  She looked as if she wanted to smile but was trying to stay serious. 

"Oh," I replied catching on to her drift.

"It's down the hall," she pointed and told me the number.  I tried to grasp everything in my head, which was somewhat difficult at the time.

"I think there's something wrong with her.  She sounded drunk," Tess said to Bobby after I had started walking to Kitty and Jubilee's room.

When I got to the door, I stood there for a second, reviewing what I was about to do in my head.  I knocked.  I heard running footsteps.  The door swung open, and Kitty stared at me from inside.

"Your room's like ten doors down," she stated closing the door.  A while back, when I had first started my sessions and was even more drained and distorted then now, I had mistaken their room for mine.  Their room number was 12 and mine was 21.  I had been pressing in my code over and over for who knows how long when Kitty had come from breakfast and found me.

"Wait!" Jubilee stopped the door with her hand.  She asked grinning, "Did Tess send you here?" 

Kitty's eyes went wide and she gasped.  She asked, "Was Bobby…"

I nodded.  They both shrieked with joy.  I cringed as their high-pitch voices split through my head like an ax.  I felt as if I would pass out in any second.  Jubilee grabbed me by the wrist over my sleeve and pulled me in.  Kitty closed the door.

"She better not leave anything out," Jubilee said.  I looked around their room, I was right, Tess had malformed our room and it did look like theirs.

"Like it?" Kitty asked.  I stood silent for a moment thinking of what to say.  I nodded.  She smiled.  They had a TV and it was turned on.  Channel WB, and Saturday morning cartoons were on.  Jubilee had dropped my arm, walked to her bed, where she had a magazine, and laid down.  Kitty sat on the end of her bed, Indian style, watching the TV.  I stayed in my spot, standing near the door.  They both had on cotton shorts and tank tops, while I was fully clothed in pants, a long sleeve shirt and shoes.  I stared at the TV wondering how it had gotten there, since there were no TVs in the individual rooms.

"We saved up money and bought it ourselves," Kitty answered guessing what was on my mind.

"Took us forever," Jubilee added, "but it was worth it.  Better than wrestling for the remote downstairs."

I nodded.  I stood there for another ten minutes before anyone spoke again.

"Are you okay?  You seem a little ssllooww," Jubilee said dragging out the word slow.  I nodded, and then realized that might not be a good answer.

"Tired," was all I could get to come out.  I do not know how I even managed to stay standing.

"It's way to late to be sleepy, Rogue," Jubilee said factually.  I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand between their beds.  Ten forty five was in red glowing letters and piercing straight through my head.  I turned away to keep from getting a headache.  Kitty looked at the clock and nodded agreeing.

"I know exactly what will wake you up," said Kitty perked up and looking as if she was about to giggle as she hoped off the bed and ran quickly into her bathroom.  When she came back out, she had some stuff in a bowl in her arms.

"Oo," Jubilee said looking at Kitty.  "We'll need music for that."

She got off her bed and rummaged around in the top drawer of the dresser that stood between their beds and pulled out a CD.  There was a boom box near the TV.  She turned it on, put the CD in and pushed play.  She walked over to me, grabbed my arm again and pulled me over to the middle of the room where Kitty was sitting on the floor with the stuff she had taken from the bathroom.  Jubilee sat down and I did the same.  The music started loudly, startling me and making me jump.  It was Britney Spears.  'Oops!… I Did It Again.'  My thoughts traveled back to the conversation I had with John the day before in Jean's class.  Then, unwillingly, to Bobby and Tess and what they were doing now.  I could only hope they had managed to make it to the right bed.  Then a worse thought popped into my head.  What if they had decided to push the beds together!  I cringed at the thought and I think I winced.

"What? You don't like Britney?" Jubilee said.  "I like her music, but I don't have much respect for her.  But, hey! Who does?"

 "Jean is so fickle," Kitty stated nonchalantly.  She was mixing some white paste together with her hands in a bowl.

"Ugh, Jean.  Don't even mention Jean.  She deserved ever word I said to her.  Taking out her anger on us like that was so not cool.  She didn't deserve Scott.  Logan is probably using her anyway.  For sex.  No offense Rogue," Jubilee said.  I nodded.

"I like Tess and all, but the way he just ignored you after he brought her here, like he was trying to forget his past.  Not that he knows much about it anyway.  Men," she continued. "On the other hand, there's Scott."

"Scott is _so_ hott with _two_ T's.  Like in his name," Kitty replied. "I love him… Kitty Summers.  I like that.  Love that, almost as much as I love him."

"Love? You love everybody," Jubilee stated brushing off her last statement.

"Not enough to marry them and go through the pain of giving birth to kids, and _then _raising them, like Scott and I will."

I had never seen obsession with this much strength before.  She sounded as if she was deciding this as she went along.  Jubilee looked at me, "In a couple of days, he won't be her type."

"Hey, you know what I heard, Rogue?  You and Scott had a date and were talking bout stuff teachers and students shouldn't," Kitty stated.

I raised my eyebrows, "What?"

"Sex." Jubilee answered. "Did you tell him the truth or lie?"

"About?" I asked perplexed.

"When he asked if you were a virgin," she said, "Did you say yes to turn him on?"

My mouth dropped open.

"Jubes, Bobby _said_ that she _said_, 'I think _you_ know.'" Kitty stated.

"He didn't ask did he?  Bobby is such a liar," Jubilee said.  Britney raged on in the background, doing it again and not meaning to.

"Of course he wouldn't ask that he's a gentleman," Kitty stated smiling to herself, "_My_ gentleman."

"You are totally obsessed!  It's sorta sad," Jubilee declared.  Kitty kept stirring the paste.  It was almost eleven.

"Just because I have my future planned out doesn't mean I'm obsessed."

"Yeah and the fact that he doesn't know that you're planning his future for him also doesn't mean anything either," Jubilee added sarcastically.

"I'd tell him, but he'd think I was infatuated or something," she stated defensively, "He's not ready to know that I love him yet, he'd brush me off like some… _infatuated_ girl."

Jubilee rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Freak."

"I think we've gotten pass that, Jubilee," she retorted.

"Obviously _not_, _Kitty_," Jubilee commented.  She looked at the TV. "Why are you watching this… _childishness_?"

"Blah, blah," Kitty said.

"You sound like Jean," Jubilee signed with boredom and leaned back on her arms.

"So Rogue, do you hate Tess?"  Jubilee asked.  I shook my head.

"I would," she stated, "And Logan, too!"

"I hope Bobby has condoms because Tess doesn't," Kitty stated.  She gasped. "What if neither of them does and they decide to do it anyway and she gets pregnant!"

I trembled at the thought of them conceiving a child in my bed.  Or worse, what if the did not clean up after themselves?

"Don't worry Rogue," Jubilee stated confidently when I trembled. "Bobby _has_ condoms.  _Believe_ me, I've been there."

Kitty and I both gasped.  Kitty kicked Jubilee in the leg with her foot. "You never told me!"

"I just did," she winced rubbing her leg.  I stared at her in disbelief.

"What?" she asked. "I'm _pretty_ sure you and Kitty could get some, too.  I mean it wouldn't be that hard.  Don't wear a bra or go over to his room in your bathing suit when he's alone and ask if John is there because _he has something you want_."

"JUBILATION LEE!" Kitty yelled, "Tess is dating Bobby and they are obviously-!"

"_I KNOW_! This is for _after_ he dumps her.  Damn, calm down," she replied. "That might be after today or next week.  I wasn't expecting anything to come out it when we did it and nothing did.  I can't believe they planned the whole day for sex anyways.  Horny bastards.

"You know he's in just about _everything_ for the sex, watch your back Kitty," Kitty, with a skeptical face, looked up from her mixing. "And Rogue, he's got his eye on you, I can tell.  I swear when he was telling us about your date with Scott he looked like he wanted to scream, 'She's supposed to be _my_ docile bitch!'"

"How could they have sex?" she asked then looked at me questioningly.  I shrugged.

Jubilee shook her head, "It's all so simple.  All he needs is a condom and one of you wears clothes, probably him.  Why would he not want his woman naked?  Or maybe he could do something with his powers, or wait, Rogue, can you control your mutation at all?"

I was tentative to answer… nod, but I did.  Kitty's eyes went wide, "Really?!"

"A little," I answered, "Not enough for… sex."

"With Bobby.  He's no minute man," Jubilee concluded. "Or Rogue could control her powers."

"Bobby _is_ cute," Kitty stated smiling, "Not as cute as-"

"Scott," I interrupted.

"Exactly," she replied, and then giggled.  Jubilee rolled her eyes.

"It's ready, Kitty said. "Peppermint facemask.  This is _guaranteed_ to wake you up.  _No_,doubt about it."

"Or make you _sick_," Jubilee added staring at the sticky mess with.  Kitty had a handful of thick white paste in her hands.  Jubilee burst out laughing.

"What?" Kitty asked irritated.

"That's not how it's supposed to look, its supposed to be red and a lot thinner," Jubilee stated laughing.

"It's fine," Kitty said scooting over, "Come on, Rogue."

"Don't let her put that on your face, Rogue," Jubilee was still laughing. "That looks like…" she laughed louder, "Cum."

Kitty's mouth dropped open.  She looked at her hands with a disgusted look and back at Jubilee with anger.  Then threw the paste at Jubilee.  It landed on her shirt and face.

"Ew, duhskusting," Jubilee whined, "It ghot in mah mouf."

"Well it's probably been there BEFORE!" Kitty yelled.  Jubilee gasped and wiped the paste from her mouth.

"What did you mean by that?" she asked calmly.  I scooted back slowly.

"Oh, let's just say there's no question of whether you spit or swallow."

Jubilee screamed.  She grabbed the bowl and threw it forward hoping for the paste to land on Kitty.  Kitty recoiled, but there was no need to.  The paste was too thick and viscous to come out of the bowl.  Kitty laughed and Jubilee stuck her hands in the bowl and grabbed a handful.  Kitty got up and run to her bed and Jubilee got up slowly and followed her.

"There's nowhere for you to go, Kitty," she said ominously with an angry glint in her eyes.  Kitty screamed, the mixture of her scream and Britney's singing was too much.  I got up avoiding both her and Jubilee and walked to the door.

"Uh, bye," I said as I left the room, closing the door behind me.  I heard another shriek and a threatening yell.  I started to walk to my room, and then remembered that it was being used.  I walked pass the door on the other side of the hallway hoping to hear nothing and thankfully I did not hear anything.  I kept walking, to nowhere in particular, until I got to room number thirty-eight.  Bobby and John's room.  I thought about going back to Jubilee and Kitty's room, the yelling and shrieking, the TV and Britney, and then I knocked.  A couple of moments later John opened the door.  He raised his eyebrows in surprise when he saw me.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hi," I replied quietly, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," he said and opened the door completely and stepped aside.  He was not wearing a shirt.  I bit my bottom lip as I stepped into the room.

"Something wrong?" he asked.  I nodded.

"I have nowhere to sleep and I'm about to pass out," I revealed.

"Oh, yeah Bobby and Tess are using the room tonight," he stated. "You can stay here."

I thanked him; there were two beds ahead of me.

"Do you have a preference?" he asked.  I nodded.

"That's my bed," he replied pointing it out.  I thanked him again, looking at him longer than I should have.  Had he caught that stare?  I walked over to his bed and laid down, not bothering to get under the covers, and had no trouble keeping my eyes close.  I do not know if he left or not, most likely he had.  It was eleven ten, and I slept until he woke me up.

"Rogue," a voice, his voice called.  I stirred, rubbing my eyes, and looked up at him.  

"Dinner's over if you want to go eat," he stated. "I'm going down to the game room."

I asked what time it was.

"Eight forty five," he stated.

"Okay," I said and he left.  I rose out of his bed and looked around the room.  Why had Bobby and Tess not used this room?  Maybe Bobby had done it to get back at me for my 'date' with Scott.  'Let's not get egotistical.'  I made sure I did not look too terrible before I left.  Bobby came out of my room just as I came out of his.  He did not see me though and walked in the direction of the kitchen.  He _looked_ like he had just finished having sex.  Clearly he was not trying to hide it.  His hair and clothes were in a mess.  I waited until he was some way ahead of me.  No need to look like I was waiting for him.  

I walked downstairs and down the hall to the kitchen.  Scott was there at table and Bobby was eating something by the counter.  Neither heard me come in.  I sat down across from Scott and he looked up.

"Hey," he said.  Bobby turned around wondering if Scott had addressed him, then turned around when he saw me.

"Hi," I replied remembering not to nod this time.

"Are you going to eat?" he asked.  Eat?  Food?  I stared at him with a blank expression for a moment before answering.  Do not nod.  I ignored the thought and nodded anyway.  I looked over at Bobby, who was still in the kitchen at the counter, wishing he would leave, then looked over my shoulder in the lounge.  Logan.  Jean.  Ororo.  Logan _and_ Jean.  Ororo.

"Has Logan bothered you lately?" I asked out of nowhere.

"He asked about us.  Actually it was more of a threat," he answered grinning.

"Yes, we're dating according to a rumor," I proclaimed.  Should I turn and give Bobby the 'I know it was you' look?

"Yeah, I heard," he laughed.

Bobby turned around and leaned back against the counter watching us with his drink in his hand.  I looked at Scott who looked at Bobby.

"Where are you sleeping?" Bobby suddenly asked.  I looked at him.  He was not asking Scott.

"Your room," I said.  Try again.

"In my bed?" he asked smirking.  'Yeah Bobby, cuz I can't get enough of you,' I thought sarcastically.

"John's," I stated.  The smirk disappeared.

"With John?" Bobby asked inquisitively, glaring at me.

"If that was the case, we wouldn't be _sleeping_, would we?" I reply getting aggravated at his attitude.  He looked the way I felt.  Pissed.  I could only guess what he was thinking.  What if he wanted to get back at me?  Another rumor?  Or worse, 'Tess, let's use _that_ bed.'  I could feel the panic swallowing me.  I turned to Scott who had been listening and watching.  He could probably taste the acrimony in that 'conversation'.  Bobby stood from the counter and started to leave.

"Don't use my bed," I could not help but saying as he walked pass me.  He stopped and looked me in the eye.  'Fear the wrath of Bobby,' I thought mockingly.

"But we already _did_," he stated with feigned innocence.  My mouth dropped open.  He walked away.  I could change the sheets… or sleep on the floor.  The latter would do.  There was a deafening silence.  I wanted Scott to say something but at the same time I did not.  Deafening silence.  Well, at least I could eat.

"Are he and Tess using your room?" Scott asked.  I nodded feeling distressed.  He looked as if he was about to say something else, but did not.  I went off into a daze, hoping that Bobby had not meant what he said.

"Rogue?" Scott asked.  Had he called my name more than once?

"Yes?" I said.

"Are you okay?" he inquired.  He had.

"Yes," I answered.  He paused a moment before asking me:

"Are you and Tess getting along?"

"Yes," I stated.  He looked disbelieving.

"Are you sleeping with John?" he asked.  What did he mean by that?  Had he not been here during the entire conversation with Bobby?

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, my eyes narrowing slightly.

"Do you have a place to sleep?" he asked concerned.  What did he _mean_ by that?  Kitty and Jubilee shrieking with joy popped up in my head.  I nodded.  He did not mean it that way anyway.  I remembered Kitty mixing her paste: 'Of course, he didn't.  He's a gentleman.'

"Okay," he said.  He looked at his watch and stood up.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" he questioned.  I nodded, and he walked away.  I got up and got some food and sat back down to eat it.  After I was done I turned around to the lounge again.  Jean and Logan.  They had not moved.  Jean was almost wrapped around Logan on the couch in the lounge watching TV… or not.  John came from the game room into the lounge walking in front of the couch pass the TV.  Logan narrowed his eyes and watched John as he came into the kitchen and sat down at the table grinning.

"Hey," he said. "Ready to go?"

I nodded my head and we stood up.  He walked to the lounge.  Why did he choose this way?  He walked pass the TV again in front of Logan.  I chose to walk _behind_ the couch.

"Hey," Logan said as I walked by.  No kid?

"Hi," I mumbled and kept walking.  Jean did not say anything, but looked over Logan's shoulder, which she was snuggled against, at me.  We walked through the game room.

"You should really come to the game room with me sometime," he stated.  With him?

We passed my room and unfortunately it was not quiet.  My mouth dropped open at what I heard.  John put his arm around my shoulder and sped up.

"I know it's disturbing, our roommates… Yeah, but let's not think about that," he said.  The paste memory flashed in my head.

That visit was going to haunt me for the _rest of my life_.

"No," I muttered and quickly added, "Let's not."

We got to his room and he let us in.  I looked at the clock; it was ten thirty three.

"Let me get you something to sleep in," he said.  He went to his dresser and pulled out some shorts and a shirt from separate drawers.  I took them, thanking him, and went into the bathroom.  When I came out, he had already changed and was in Bobby's bed.  I walked to his bed, dropped my clothes on the floor and got under the covers.  I had almost fallen asleep to John's scent on the bed when he called my name.

"Yes?" I answered.

"Have you talked to Logan lately?" he asked.

"No."

"You two were pretty close before he left."

"Yeah," I replied.

"Do you still have his dog tags?"

"Uh huh," I answered tiredly.  My mind traveled back to Logan in the lounge.

"You didn't give them back?"

"He didn't ask," I answered.  In fact, he had not said anything but 'hey kid' and 'hey' to me.

He was silent for a while and I thought he had fallen asleep.

"Night, Rogue," he said.

"Night," I replied.

I could tell when he was asleep when his breath became shallow.  I do not remember when I fell asleep, but I did, thinking about Logan and how we had drifted apart.

When I woke up it was seven thirty four.  John was already awake making Bobby's bed.

"Hey," he said grinning.

"Morning," I mumbled.  He walked into the bathroom and I shut my eyes.

I heard a door open and thought it was John coming out of the bathroom and paid no attention to it, but then another door opened.  I opened my eyes and sat up.  Bobby was standing in the doorway and John was in the middle of the room.  The tension was thick.  Time to go.  No one talked as I slid off the bed and grabbed my clothes off the floor.  

I looked at John, "Thanks."

He nodded.  Bobby moved to the side, staring at me like I had done something wrong as I walked out the room.  He slammed the door behind me, not breaking eye contact until the door had sharply cut us off.  I sighed in relief of being removed from the tension and walked to my room.

Tess was asleep in her bed, probably exhausted from yesterday.  I walked to my bed and scanned it; it _looked_ normal.  I realized how the situation had _looked_ in John and Bobby's room.  I had been laying in John's bed with my clothes sprawled on the floor while John, who had just come out of the bathroom, was shirtless and in boxers.  Bobby's bed had been made and looked as if it had not been touched.  I knew what was going on in Bobby's head.  I no longer trusted the way my bed looked.  I threw my clothes on the floor, went to my dresser, got some clean clothes and walked into the bathroom.  I stripped out of John's clothes and took a shower.  When I got out Tess was awake sitting on her bed with some clothes in her lap.  She stood up when I came out.  I went to my bed and sat down.  She smiled and thanked me for yesterday.

"You're welcome," I said pasting on a felicitous smile.  She smiled again and went into the bathroom.  That was our first conversation.  The beginning of a new friendship?  Most likely not.  I stayed on my bed for a while and heard the shower start running.  I sat thinking about the looks on Bobby and John's faces before I had left their room, and wandered what they were doing now.

A loud screeching noise suddenly knocked me out of my pensive daze and almost off my bed.  

Kitty?  No, the fire alarm. 

I jumped off my bed and ran to the door.  I opened it to see kids running down the hall.  I stepped out into the doorway.  Smoke was floating out of Bobby and John's room, but I could not tell if the door was open.  Some moments later Scott, Ororo, Jean and Logan all came running down the hall from different directions separately.  Scott was there first, he pressed in the emergency code and went in; a couple of seconds later the alarm went off.  I could see that Kitty and Jubilee were already apart of the crowd.  It reminded me off that night when I touched Logan.  I stayed in the doorway and watched from my distance.

Bobby and John came out coughing, followed by Scott.

"Are you both okay?" was the first thing Ororo asked.  Bobby nodded and looked at John.

"He did it," he said glaring at John.  Like a defensive three-year-old, trying not to get in trouble.  Tess came out of the bathroom in a towel.

"Is it an emergency?" she asked.  I shook my head and she went back into the bathroom.

"I wouldn't have had to, if you hadn't-" John started.

"What happened?" Scott asked.  Logan and Jean tried to shoo the kids away and did not have much luck.

"_Go.  Away_," Jean said finally.  The students _slowly_ retreated mumbling and giving groans of disappointment.

"Nice," Logan said grinning.  She flashed him a smile and turned towards John and Bobby.  Logan watched as the students left and then caught my eye.  We can have a staring contest later, Logan, I thought and I looked at John who had started talking.

"He got jealous when-," John said stopping when he looked in my direction and saw me.  Shit, I wanted to hear what had happened.  Jubilee and Kitty stopped in front of me.

"There was a hole in the door!" Kitty exclaimed.  They let themselves in.

"Where's Tess?" Jubilee asked looking around the room.

"Shower," I answered still looking at John who was still looking at me in return.  Bobby had said something about a fight.  Jean turned around and followed John's view to me, so did Scott and Ororo.  I quickly turned around and went back into my room closing the door behind me.

"Where'd you go yesterday?" Kitty asked from Tess's bed.

"Yeah, where'd you sleep?" Jubilee asked walking around the room and looking at my bed. "I'd change my sheets if I were you."

"I found a place," I replied. "I will."

"I wonder what happened," Kitty said.

"It's obvious that they got in a fight," Jubilee said mockingly.

"Scott was so cute," Kitty stated.  

"My hero," Jubilee stated cynically.  Tess walked out of the bathroom dressed this time.

"Tired?" Jubilee asked with a devious smile.  Tess grinned.

"Don't leave anything out," Jubilee demanded.  I literally disappeared.  I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway closing the door behind me.  I turned my head towards John and Bobby's room.  No one had left; they were still outside, and as soon as I had stepped out all eyes were on me.  Someone had mentioned my name.  I stared back for a moment and walked the other way.  I needed to get out of here.

II. Lately


	3. Inappropriate

Thank you very much for the reviews.  I figured I'll just post one chapter a week.  I don't want to post all four at the same time and then have you wait forever for the next one.  Suggestions are nice (thinking bout bringin remy into the story).  Thank you for the reviews (keep em comin).

Tuesday, 25 June 2002 - Wednesday, 10 July 2002

III. Inappropriate

The boy in the bright red shirt slid feet first against the ground into the base right before the catcher caught the ball. Another point for team two. I watched the game from my spot on one of the benches in the 'backyard' of Xavier's Institute. I needed the time to be alone. I bent forward, crossed my arms on top of my legs, rested my forehead on my forearms and closed my eyes. How everything had gone from normal to psychotic in five days had all started with two changes. Scott and Jean's breakup and Logan and Tess's arrival, and both had managed to strongly affect me. I signed realizing that just because I was out here did not change anything and everything would be waiting for me when I went back. I heard the grass shuffle and someone sat down next to me. Probably just some kid, I thought, which made me remember how I had become 'just some kid' to Logan so quickly. I sat up and looked at the person, and found myself staring at Logan. How typical it was of a man not to understand that I needed my space.

"Hey," he said. I leaned forward again folding my arms on top of my legs and then rested my top weight on them. I looked down at the grass between my feet.

"Hey," I replied. Silence.

"Are you and... Tess gettin' along?" he asked. I nodded. We were not fighting if that is what he meant. That had been a question better off being answered by Kitty or Jubilee.

"Marie," he started. He remembered my name. That is a way to get my attention, I thought as I looked up at him.

"When I left it might have taken a bigger toll on you than I thought, and when I came back with Tess, you might have taken it the wrong way, but the way you're handling your... feelings isn't exactly appropriate."

"What?" I asked confused.

"Your dating Scott... he's your teacher. And then... sleeping with John," he stated. I started to open my mouth. He cut me off.

"I talked to Kitty and Jubilee on my way down here; they told me about your being able to control your powers, but I think you should tone it down a little bit," he stated. I stared at him in disbelief. Of course, everything was about him. His leaving and his return had been the center and start of everything. Egotistical bastard. Yeah, go ahead and touch me, I thought. I glared at him, got up off the bench and walked away.

"Rogue," he called. Should have stuck with Marie. I kept walking and heard him following me. He grabbed my arm, which pulled me back off balance as I kept walking forward. And of course, he caught me. As soon as I could stand self sufficiently, I tried to pull away and received little success. I could not help the wetness in my eyes, but that is all it was, wetness. I avoided eye contact, keeping my back towards him.

"What?" I asked harshly.

"... Rogue," he said softly.

"_What_?" I asked again. I tried to pull away again. I sighed as I realized I was not going anywhere.

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but-" he started.

"Don't repeat yourself," I commanded facing him now and giving him a glower. How he had accepted those rumors as the truth pissed me off. Were Tess and Jean rubbing off on him?

"Do you have anything else to say?" I asked irately. He did not answer, just stared, then hesitated before speaking, "We need to talk."

We did, and it had been long awaited.

"Let me go," I demanded keeping my voice as calm as I could. He dropped his arm.

"Let's sit," he said. He stood in his spot until I moved ahead of him to the bench, and then he followed. I turned around stopping and he almost ran into me. I still needed my time alone.

"Let's not," I replied and immediately started walking away hoping he would not follow me. I went back inside and the hallway was empty and when I got back to my room, Tess, Jubilee and Kitty had gone. Most likely to Jubilee and Kitty's room. I spent the rest of the afternoon by myself. I laid on the side of my bed next to my dresser staring at the bottom drawer. I had anger and at the same time curiosity, so I pulled the drawer open and took the razor out. When I cut I always steer clear from my wrist. I am not suicidal and cutting is not my 'cry for help'; it is a way for me to let go. I cut lightly this time, grazing the skin and admiring the way the blood trickled over the well known scars for a while. I do not understand how some people cannot stand to see blood, much less their own. When I was done I wiped the razor and my arms, and pulled my sleeves down over them.

Dinner was starting and I did not want to stay in my room, so I left. I started walking down the hall taking the long way to the game room.

"Rogue," I turned around. Logan was going the opposite way, which was closer to the dining room. As much as I wanted to continue on the other way I did not. He came to me.

"You going to dinner?"

I shook my head.

"You eating with Scott?"

I shrugged.

"Where are you going?" he asked. I wanted to shrug and leave.

"Game room," I said. He looked confused.

"No one is down there," he stated. I nodded and looked at him.

"Did John say that we had sex?" I needed to know. He watched me for a second and shook his head.

"Bobby," he said.

"You heard both sides," I questioned.

He nodded.

"But you went with Bobby's?" I asked quietly.

Same response.

"Okay," I said and turned to leave.

"They got into a fight over you. You should give one of them a chance instead of Scott," he proclaimed. And what about him, did he not want a chance?

"I'm not dating Scott," I told him.

"Whatever you want to call it, it isn't appropriate," he stated.

"And why not?" I asked. Since when was he the tyrant of my life?

"He's your teacher," he stated. I knew the real reason had something to do with male dominance.

"It's only dinner. You do it every night with all the other students in this school," I replied. Why had I not kept walking?

"I wouldn't trust him. He and Jean just broke up and he's probably looking for a way to get some perverted revenge. You should stay away-" I interrupted his speech.

"I don't care! I don't care, _Logan_, whether you trust him or not. Other than Storm, I'm guessing that every female you've ever run into has been dependent on you or another man. I'm not one of those females looking for a male influence in anyway I can get it, so you don't have to worry about Scott using me for revenge sex! Or John!" I screamed at him letting all that anger out. "You're not my mentor, parent or guardian; you don't have to tell me what you think about everything I do, or anything you _think_ I did and I rather you didn't. You have someone new to do that to now, Logan."

This felt almost as good as cutting, "Next time you think I slept with someone or did something 'inappropriate' and you feel protective, remember, Logan, that _I_! CAN'T! TOUCH! PEOPLE!"

My hand came up so fast, I think we both thought I was going to slap him, but it reached around my neck and grabbed the dog tags. As I took them off he tried to stop me.

"Marie, don't," he said succinctly, taking my wrist in his hand before I could move it over my head with the tags.

"No Logan. I think you need to go give these to someone," I said. That wetness came back and I knew it was more than wetness this time; and I desperately wanted to leave, but could not while he still had my wrist in his hand.

"Let go of my wrist, Logan," I demanded.

"Let go of the tags, Marie," he demanded in a low voice.

"Calling me that isn't going to change anything," I stated. Tess came down the hall calling Logan's name. Was she always following him when Bobby was not around?

"I was wondering why you aren't at dinner," she stated. She saw him holding my wrist, which he refused to let go and in my hand, the tags that I refused to drop, and looked curious.

"What are you doing?" she asked prickishly. I started to say something, but he talked over me.

"Nothing Tess. Go back to dinner," he answered. Yes, now, good girl. She did not move.

"Not until you come with me," she stated stubbornly. That could be a while and I did not want to be here for a while. I promptly dropped the tags and put them back under my shirt with my other hand. He did not let my hand go, but loosened his grip and let me drop my arm to my side.

"Tess, go down-" he started.                                     

"No," she cut him off crossing her arms. "Are you trying to seduce him up here?"

What was I now, the school's slut? No that was Bobby. I glared back at her.

"Fuck off," I snapped back. Maybe she had not actually meant to be insulting. He eyes widened a bit, she uncrossed he arms, then looked at Logan, me, and back at Logan.

"Marie watch your mouth," Logan stated disapprovingly.

"Now that'd be impossible, Logan," I retorted.

"Marie?" Tess stated confused.

"Tessalyn?" I replied.

"Logan, what's going on?" Tess demanded.

"Look, Logan. I let them go, now you let me go," I demanded. He looked at me.

"We're not done talking," he stated.

"I think we are," I replied.

"Logan!" Tess called to get his attention.

"Tess, go back downstairs," he requested. She shook her head in disbelief, narrowed her eyes, turned and walked away.

"Let me go!" I repeated. "There's nothing left to say."

"I didn't forget about you," he said. "You and Tess were supposed to _like_ each other. She was running-"

"Logan, I'm over it. You don't have to look after me anymore," I told him.

"I wish you'd stop acting like this," he stated.

"Like what?" I asked taking umbrage.

"Stubborn," he replied.

"You should go, Logan. Go and eat. Tess seemed pissed. She's probably mad at you for ignoring her. You should try to break that annoying habit of yours," I proclaimed.

"I wasn't trying to ignore you. I don't know what the hell happened, but when I came back, you were different," he said. Oh, blame it on me. He let go of my wrist.

"Thank you," I replied harshly and turned to walk away. He stepped with me blocking my way. I started to say something.

"I'm not breaking that promise, Marie," he informed. How very sweet. I broke our eye contact and walked away. Maybe I did not have to be so bitter with him, but he did not have to be so aggressively persistent.

When I entered the game room it was empty. I remembered the last time I spent time in here was the day Logan left. I walked around for about ten minutes and slowly students started coming in. I walked into the kitchen and took a seat at one of the tables. Students taking the shortcut to the game room from the dining room walked through the kitchen and lounge. Bobby and Tess walked through and Tess gave me a skeptical look as she passed by. Jean and Logan came through and I looked away. When I thought all the students had left the dining room, I went in the dining room, got some food and came back to the empty kitchen and started eating. I had finished eating when Scott showed up.

He greeted me with a smile, "Hey."

"Hey," I said.

"I assume you've heard the new rumor?" he asked. I shrugged.

"You cheated on me with John," he stated grinning just as Jean walked in. She stopped walking.

"Yeah I'm sorry," I stated looking down at the table.

"It's okay, you can make it up to me," he stated catching on to my little game. "Tonight. Unless you prefer mornings or afternoons... or between classes."

I believe my mouth dropped as low as Jean's and my eyes went just as wide. Whoa, I did not know Scott had a perverted side; he was basically celibate in my mind. I got my act together quickly. Or tried.

"Um..." I started.

"I shouldn't be giving you a choice. _You_ cheated on _me_." He stated.

"When do you feel I should make it up to you?" I questioned. He sat forward in his chair on the table.

I was leaning towards between classes," Scott answered. I nodded in agreement.

Jean walked towards our table and placed her fingertips on the edge.

"You better be kidding," she stated adding a small laugh.

"What?" I asked. She narrowed her eyes.

"This _thing_ you do every night is not appropriate at all," she declared. "And is a very bad example on the students."

"Do not worry, Jean," I stated. "Scott's not using me for revenge sex."

She looked shocked then rather disgusted at Scott. Her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth opened slightly. That _was_ what she was thinking, right? Even Scott seemed a little surprised. Oops.

"I'm not," Scott proclaimed somewhat defensively when Jean looked at him. Logan walked in the doorway, probably wondering where his beer was. Jean walked to the refrigerator and got a beer and walked back and handed it to him. I do not see why he cold not have gotten it himself since he was in the room. No one said anything for awhile and Logan watched us. I was hoping someone would leave before Tess came in looking for Logan, and Bobby came trailing along after her.

"So what are we doing?" Kitty asked popping up from the lounge. Most likely she had been sent.

"Nothing, so you can go back to the game room," Jean said. Kitty glared at her.

"Actually, I came for a soda," she stated walking slowly to the refrigerator as if to taunt Jean. She looked at Scott and smiled. She got her soda and stood next to the refrigerator as she opened it. Jean was staring at her incredulously. Kitty moved from her spot and walked over to our table. She pulled a chair out between us and sat down smiling.

"What are you up to?" she asked.

"Not much," Scott answered looking at Jean and Logan. She nodded.

"It's probably hard to talk when you got your ex and her new bf hovering over you trying to show off," she proclaimed stridently glancing over at Jean and Logan and shaking her head. "Rogue, did you know that Tess didn't even know Logan brought you here until dinner tonight when Bobby told her."

I shook my head. That explained the sizing me up earlier. Kitty took a drink from her soda.

"You and John friends now?" she asked but did not give me a chance to answer. "Bobby's definitely jealous. He and John got in a fight, and he used his powers. Cheater. He punched a whole in the door today when you left! I guess he was mad cuz he's tried since you first came here to get with you but never could. And when he sent John to ask you some questions bout you and Scott all of a sudden you're sleeping over! But you remember what Jubilee said about Bobby, 'he's in everything for the sex.' And Tess only lasted a day. She'll be heart broken when he dumps her. Logan'll kill him."

But Logan had left when Kitty had mentioned Bobby using Tess. I wondered what he was going to do. Jean stayed.

"Kitty, you got your soda. You should go back to the game room _now_," Jean suggested.

"I'm not bothering you!" Kitty snapped back and turned to us. "What's her problem? Why'd you two break up? Did you get sick of her nagging?"

Scott looked amused. Jean looked as if she wanted to drag Kitty out by the hair and hear Scott's answer.

"Wait, you don't have to answer. There was an obvious answer in that last question. Rogue, I heard that earlier Logan cornered you against a wall and wouldn't let you go. That seems a little aggressive for trying to make up."

I thought so, too. Jean walked out.

"Do you still have those tags he gave you?" Kitty asked me. Scott looked curious. I nodded.

"That's cute," she said. Cute?

"Does Tess know about these?" Scott asked. Kitty shook her head.

"Have you heard any of the rumors about you, Mr. Summers?" she asked. He nodded.

"And you're not mad?" she questioned. He shook his head.

"Bobby started them all. It's weird because mostly girls gossip, but he's like that," she proclaimed. "Do you like him at all, Rogue? Because if he knew I think he'd stop, but then if he found out, he'd start a rumor about how you used him."

She looked at us both. Scott was sitting back in his chair arms crossed casually. I was quietly listening to her. She puffed up a cheek and slowly blew the air out of her mouth as if she was bored. 

"I'll see you later. Tomorrow," she grinned getting up and leaving with her soda. "Hope I don't run into Jean."

She disappeared around the doorway into the lounge. Back to Jubilee, Tess and Bobby to tell them what she had found out. I looked at Scott who was still sitting back with his arms crossed. We had spent a total of three minutes alone this time. He was watching me and being eerily quiet.  

I asked him for confirmation, "You were kidding about between classes, right?" 

A faint smile played on his lips.

III. Inappropriate


	4. Stupefied

A/N: Sorry took so look to post.  I had decided to rewrite this chapter, and then I realized that only the beginning and little things needed changing.  The chapter ended up being 11 pages and that's okay with me, except I want to have something to post next week, so I can catch up a little, and you won't have to wait for ever for the next chapter, so I split the chapter in two halves.  ~ I'll have to sneak on the computer now to type and post and with school about to start, I'll have less time to do either.  There'll be more typos, so no reviews about how grammatically incorrect the chapter was.  Hopefully, I won't get to far behind with the weeks, though.  Maybe every other week, hopefully not longer, or post when I'm done which could be less or more time.  Thanks again for the reviews and suggestions because they are my biggest inspiration.  Tell me what you think.  What kind of pairings would you like?  Is this chapter too ooc for rogue?  Oop for this story?

Friday, 2 August 2002 – Thursday, 08 August 2002

IV(i). Stupefied

'This _thing_ you do every night is not appropriate at all,' I remembered Jean saying earlier.  I secretly hoped Scott and I would not have to stop eating dinner together.  It was not like I was missed every night in the dining room anyway.  Maybe he was.  That look in Jean's eyes, a mixture of jealousy, anger and a need of control, showed that she clearly wanted us to stop.  That I was drowning out the effect of her retribution for Scott.  All she had to do was take a trip to the Professor and I had a feeling she would try to take away more than dinner.  If we were to have to stop eating together, I would not go back to dinners in the dining room with the other students and teachers.  I would eat by myself rather than sit and eat quietly pretending not to notice any of the stares or glances I received from those who _thought_ they knew, or answer a question and give gratitude for a comment to someone who felt sorry for me. Those dinners where I was isolated but surrounded and suffocated at a crowded dinner table.

I was first to leave from the table and kitchen this time.  I said goodbye, stood up and walked out into the lounge.  The lounge was strangely unoccupied by Logan or Jean.  Actually, no one was in it.  I turned my head towards the game room to see everyone quietly staring at something.  I heard Logan's voice.  It sounded like he was threatening someone.  I walked to the game room entrance way.  Tess, who was standing near Logan, was staring wide-eyed at him like everyone else.  Logan had Bobby by the shirt against the wall a few inches off the ground.

He finished what he started and let go of Bobby, who almost fell to the ground.  Kitty was wrong.  Logan did not kill him, but it looked like he embarrassed him and most likely busted his ego.  Logan turned around and everyone quickly went back to what they were doing to not look nosey.  Tess looked at Bobby then grabbed Logan's arm.

"What the fuck was that?" she yelled.  Logan looked back at her, obviously annoyed.

"I don't know what the hell you were thinkin' sleepin' with him right after you met him, but it's obvious you're looking for more than sex and he's not goin' to give it to you.  Try Cornball over there," he answered looking as if he wanted a beer.  Sam looked slightly offended.

"What!  You can't just do that!  You can't tell me who to date and-" she started.

"Look, _kid_, you should be _thanking_ me," he growled.

"My name's _Tess -_" she stated.

"I _know_ that," he interrupted.

"- And I'm anything _but_ a kid.  I don't appreciate you trying to run my life for me, " she stated. "Yeah, you might be trying to help, but I can _handle_ it."

The crowd was back at full attention.  Logan looked up and glared and once again everyone pretended not to be interested.

"You'll get over it," he told her walking away.  Jean was not that far ahead of me.

"Were you not listening?" Tess yelled.  He ignored her and walked to Jean, Tess glaring after him.  He slipped an arm around Jean's waist and they walked towards the lounge.

"Kitchen?" Jean asked.  He nodded and looked up to saw me in the lounge doorway.  I stood to the side of the entryway as they walked by.  Jean paid me no attention.  I was another admiring female student to her at the moment.  Logan raised an eyebrow curiously.  Must have been surprised I was anywhere near the game room while it was still crowded.  I looked in the game room as they walked towards the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked Bobby.  He nodded and looked up, catching my glance.

"I can't believe he did that.  Fucking asshole," Tess ranted.  Wow, her feelings changed quickly about Logan once he had stepped on her territory.

"Excuse me," I heard Jean say rather rudely.  I turned around to see Logan and Jean walk into the kitchen, and Scott walk into the lounge.

"Hey," I greeted him leaning against the wall.  He looked over at me.

"Hey," he replied. "Something happening?"

"Happened," I answered. "Logan made a scene."

Scott grinned and nodded. "He _looked_ smug."

"Yeah," I replied softly still leaning against the wall.  I was staring at him not knowing what else to say.  He stared back.  It was silent but it seemed that much was being said.

"Scott, co-" I started.  First time I called him by his first name and did not get very far.

"Hey," John greeted popping up from the game room, startling us both.  I quickly moved from the wall.  It felt as if we had done something wrong and had gotten caught.

"Hi," I stuttered.  Scott nodded and started leaving.  I watched him as he walked towards and pass us into the game room.  There was something different about him.  A change had occurred in those few seconds.

"Did I interrupt something?" John asked after Scott had left.  I looked at him and shook my head.

"There's still time to enjoy," he said motioning towards the game room with a grin.  I shook my head.

"No thank you," he looked confused. "Sorry, another time."

He nodded his head slowly, but he looked disappointed.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, I'm… just tired," I told him.

"Night," he said as I walked away through the game room.  I hope he did not think I was pushing him away; last thing I would do to a friend… really the only friend I had.

I wondered if there was any chance I could catch up with-

"Excuse me," someone had bumped into me as we both had tried to leave the game room.  I looked up.  The person looked down.  It was Bobby.  He opened his mouth to say something.  Nothing came out.  He glared at me and continued walking.  I followed.  We had to go the same way.  As we walked out of the game room, he stopped abruptly and turned around, and I walked straight into him.

"Sorry," I mumbled stumbling backwards.

"Followin' me?" he asked still glaring.

"I'm going up stairs," I told him.

"Did you tell him?" Bobby asked.

"Tell who what?" I asked.

"Logan.  That I was using Tess," he answered.

"I didn't talk to Logan," I replied.  He continued glaring at me.

"Are you going to start a rumor that I did?" I asked angrily.

"What would you do if I did… and what would you do to stop me?" he asked smirking.  My eyes widen a bit and I stopped myself before my mouth opened.  Pervert.  I started walking away.

"You don't seem to do much about them anyway," he said turning and walking along side of me.

"What am I _supposed_ to do?" I asked sardonically looking up at him.

"Deny them," he responded.  Like that would help.  That would probably make him start more, seeing that I responded so well to them.  And how would I deny them?  I had no one to tell that the rumors were false, other than those who already knew.

"I won't start a rumor," he said.  I did not care.  We walked farther down the hall nearing the stairs.

"Rogue," he called.  It sounded as if he was testing out my name.

"_What_?" I asked.

"Is your real name Marie?" he stopped.  That was the last thing I expected him to say.  Tess must have told him after she heard Logan call me that.  I nodded my head and he smiled.

"What?" I asked already annoyed with him.

"I like it.  Makes you seem more… reachable," he answered.

"Thank you?" I asked more than stated.  I had not completely understood what he meant.

"No prob," he replied still grinning. "Did you sleep with John?"

"Why does it matter?" I asked, looking at him.  He shrugged, looking away, his smirk gone now.  My turn to ask questions.

"What happened after I left?" I asked. "Other than the fire and the door?"

"We got a new door," he answered.

"Yes, and what happened before that?" I asked.

"Fight," he replied.

"How did you manage to punch a whole through the door, anyway?" I asked.

"Ice," he answered.  Clearly, from his one-word answers he did not want to talk about it.

"Do you know what you were wearing?" he asked.  What kind of a question was that?

"_Yes_," I answered.  I was wearing John's shirt and boxers….  

"You were practically naked… for you anyway," he replied.  He was right.  What had I been thinking?

"Shut up," I replied.  I looked up and he was grinning.  Was everything funny to him?

When we walked up the stairs, he softly pushed up against me with his side making me move to the side.

"What are you _doing_?" I asked irritated.  He shrugged.

"Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout," he answered simply.

"You keep-" never mind it was obvious he did know from the grin that played on his mouth.  We walked onto the second floor and he did the same thing.  I pushed him back using my hands instead of side.

"What was that?" he asked surprised as he stumbled into the wall.

"Don't know what you're talking about," I replied mockingly and all he did was smile again.  He did it again as we walked down the hall and I almost got walked into a door.  How could a seventeen year old be so childish?

"Stop doing that," I demanded.  

 "What?" I asked irately.  He had stopped with me when I reached my room.  He stood there just staring at me and shrugged.  I rolled my eyes and pressed in the code.  I opened the door and started to walk in.

"What, no goodnight kiss?" he asked grabbing my arm.  I looked at him confused and annoyed, not understanding why he would ask, especially when he had a girlfriend.  He pulled me closer, placed his other hand on my waist and kissed me above my hairline.  I quickly pulled away.  He grinned and brought his index finger up to his lips when I opened my mouth to tell him off; he started to walk away backward looking at me, then blew me a kiss and turned around, glancing over his shoulder a couple of times.  I walked into my room wondering how someone could be so trying, brazen and audacious, and slammed the door. 

"Rogue, I left my folder in the class room.  Could you go get it?" Jubes announced loudly as I walked out of Scott's class the next day.

"I'll go get it!" Kitty volunteered.

"No, it'll be obvious if you go in.  Tell us what you hear, Rogue," Jubilee said and threw her folder as far into the room and close to them as she could.  It landed near Scott's desk, not too far off from Tess and Bobby, who were the only ones in the room.  I looked at her as if she were crazy and started to turn away.

"Hurry!" Kitty demanded, grabbing me and shoving me into the room.  What was all the hype for and why the hell had she thrown her folder in the classroom?  Scott stared questioningly, and Tess and Bobby glanced at me as I stumbled, almost fell into the room.  Must have had something to do with Tess and Bobby.  I walked to Scott's desk, got on my knees in front of it and slowly picked up the folder's contents and stuffed them in.

"What are you trying to say?" I heard Bobby ask perplexed.  I stood up with Scott's eyes following me.  I gave him a weak smile; he raised an eyebrow.

"… Bye," I stated awkwardly.  He looked just as confused as before, and gave a little wave.  I turned and walked back.

"I don't want to date you anymore.  We're through," Tess stated callously as I walked back.  I glanced over my shoulder to see Bobby sitting there, looking stupefied.  So that was the reason.  Tess was dumping Bobby.  Wow, a first timer for Bobby.  Why did I need to go and listen for Jubilee and Kitty?  Tess would tell them everything afterwards.

"Rogue," I was almost to the door.  I turned around and saw Tess walking towards me.  She gave me the 'I'm glad that's over' look, quickly widening her eyes and blowing air out her mouth.  I was surprised and very confused when she linked her arm through mine and pulled me out of the classroom.  Almost as stupefied as Scott who was watching.  Was this the same Tess that hated me?__

_"What's this?" Tess asked curiously.  I looked down over the side of my bed at her.  She was on her knees in front of the dresser between our beds sorting through the top drawer, or so I thought.  She had wandered to the bottom drawer and was now holding up my razor._

_"It's a…" I started not knowing what to tell her.  What was she doing in the bottom drawer?_

_"I know what it is.  I mean what is it doing here?" she probed.  Was it really that important?_

_"I was going to kill you tonight.  Shove it into your jugular," I answered being mockingly ominous._

_"What?" she asked. "Juggler?"_

_I stared blankly at her; she rolled her eyes, put the razor back and closed the bottom drawer._

_"Whatever," she added. "No one will ever like you if you keep acting like such a little bitch."_

"What happened?" Jubilee asked immediately.  Tess motioned for them to keep walking.

"Come on, spill," Kitty demanded as we walked down the hall.

"It was like he didn't get it.  Like he didn't understand the words that I was saying," she replied.

"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Kitty giggled impersonating Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker from 'Rush Hour' movies. 

"Shut up," Jubilee commanded. "Continue."

Kitty scowled at her. 

"He asked what I meant and finally I said, 'we're through'," she concluded. "Thank goodness you came Rogue."

"… Welcome," I said.  She still had her arm linked through mine.  I handed Jubilee her folder.

"Thanks," she replied.

"Welcome," I said once again still a little dazed.

"Scott got hotter," Kitty updated as we walked into Jean's class.

"Shut.  Up," Jubilee snapped.

"You.  Shut.  Up," Kitty retorted as they sat down.

John had saved me a seat in Jean's class.  Tess unlinked my arm and sat next to Jubilee and Kitty, who were in front of us.

"Wow, I guess you don't need me anymore," John stated jokingly, commenting on Tess and my linked arms, as I sat down. I was about to respond when Jean came in.  Tess looked at Jean with strong repugnance as she walked by.  Now it was officially Jubilee, Kitty and Tess against Jean.  No sign of Bobby yet.

"You think Bobby took it badly?" Jubilee asked.

"Took what badly?" John asked.

"Tess just dumped Bobby," she answered. His eyes went wide with astonishment, and he smiled with amusement.

"Well then I think he's going to take it very badly, seeing that that is probably the first time he's ever been dumped, and he's still in aftershock from last night's event with Logan."

"There's a first time for everything," Tess replied.  She looked pass us then.  John and I turned around following her gaze.  Bobby walked into the classroom.  He looked displeased to put it at the least.  When Bobby looked at Tess I could swear he looked murderous.  Tess rolled her eyes at him, and she and John turned back around.  Then, Bobby looked at me and grinned.  I am pretty sure that was a sign of him being psychotic.  He walked to the table across from John and me and sat down. 

"Wei-eerrd," Kitty whispered and turned around.  Jubilee turned to me.

"You're next," she warned me quickly and turned back around.  She made him seem like he was Griffin from 'The Watcher'.  I glanced at Bobby, who was watching, and shuddered.

"Cold?" John asked not noticing Bobby.  I shook my head.

Kitty and Jubilee insisted on coming to our room after class and I battled on whether I should stay or not.

"You just broke up with your boyfriend.  You. Need. Us," Kitty said sitting on my bed.

"Yeah, whatever.  I heard Logan was going to start teaching a new class," Tess stated.  She and Jubilee were sitting on her bed.  I tuned in, interested, from my chair near the window. I could not picture Logan teaching.

"Really, what class?" Jubilee asked.

"Defense or something," Tess answered.

"Who'd you hear it from?  Cuz Bobby's a liar," Kitty informed Tess.

"Logan," Tess replied plainly.  

"Do we have to take it?" Jubilee asked.

"Unfortunately," she stated, visibly angry. "I hate him."

"You'll get over it," Jubilee started and to me. "You know you and John would make a cute couple."

"Oh my gawd, they would!" Kitty replied staring at me wide-mouthed.  Right…

"Well then, we'd get them together, cept there's Scott," Tess added.

A loud vibrating sound suddenly filled the house from outside.  Kitty, Jubilee and Tess all hopped off the beds and ran to the window.  I stood up, and could see a red light get smaller outside.

"Oh, the X-Men are just going on a mission," Jubilee replied dully, walking back to the bed followed by Kitty.  I sat back down, and Tess stayed at the window.

"How long will they be gone?" she asked curiously. "Who's going to watch us?"

"Not in time for dinner.  Xavier's still here, but we know what to do.  There's a seminar at the beginning of the semester, every year," Kitty stated looking at the clock. 

"Yeah, they just won't be at dinner," Jubilee said. "Speaking of which, it's time."

"Okay.  Rogue, you're coming.  Your boyfriend's not here anyway," Tess told me.

"Coming where?  Whose boyfriend?" I asked curiously.

"Scott.  I'm sure you can get through a dinner with out him.  Come on," she demanded, taking my arm and pulling me along as they walked out the room and to the dining room, "You're not that bad, and I sorta need you.  We're more alike than you think.  We are two of the few people Logan likes, and we both hate him."

IV(i). Stupefied


	5. Boxers

A/N: I just found out that Pyro's crossing over to 'the dark side' in X-Men 2.  Nightcrawler's going to be joining the cast, and Lady Deathstrike and General William Stryker, too.  I'm a little disappointed about John, but I'll try to finish this story before 2003 when the movie's due, so it'll make sense.

(Thursday, 11June 2002)Friday, 2 August 2002 –  Friday, 9 August 2002

V(IV, ii). Boxers

'You're not _that_ bad, and I sorta _need_ you.  We're more alike than you think.  We are two of the few people Logan _likes_, and we both hate him,' Tess had said.  Should I thank her for the compliment?  How did she assume I hated Logan?  I definitely disagreed about us being more alike than I thought.

We walked downstairs, through the halls, and into the dining room.  Almost everyone was at dinner.  It seemed unusual being down here going through the routine again.  It had seemed so long ago, even though it had not been.

"Rogue!" Kurt welcomed.

"Long time no see," Sam greeted as I sat down between John and Kitty and across from Tess and Jubilee.

"Four days," I said.  Tess looked Sam up and down.  I guess she never really paid attention to him when she was dating Bobby.

"Pass the salt, please," Kurt requested.

"Bobby, five o clock," Jubilee reported.

"Jubes… it's seven," Kitty stated looking at Jubilee, as if she was stupid.

"Shut up!" Jubilee yelled.

"You shut up!  You need an attitude change!" Kitty yelled back.

"I don't know what's _wrong_ with you, girl!" Jubilee responded.

"Girl?  That's _Misses_ Girl to you!" Kitty retorted, hopefully not realizing what she had said, and too caught up in the altercation.  Sam and I looked on amused.  Kurt was busy with his food, and Tess and John paid them no attention.

"Do they do this every night?" I asked turning to John.

"Usually," he said.  Bobby sat next to Jubilee.

"Misses _bit_-" Jubilee stopped and turned to look at Bobby slowly.

"Hey," he said casually.

"Hi," Kitty said quickly and turned back to Jubilee, "_What_ were you about to say?"

"Hi," Jubilee said and looked at Kitty, "Shut up!"

"Both of you _shut_ _up_," Tess snapped noticeably in a bad mood now that Bobby had showed up.

"Hey," John, Kurt and Sam all greeted.  I went back to my food.

"_Rogue_?" Bobby asked.  I looked up slowly.

"What made you lower yourself to eating dinner with _us_ tonight?" he asked.  I stared at him confused and somewhat angry.  Why the hell was he patronizing me?

"Cuz her boyfriend's on a mission," Kitty told him smugly apparently not catching the sarcasm of the statement.

"Don't even start picking on Rogue, Bobby," Jubilee warned him with a glower defending me.

"Yeah, be careful, she might rag you," John added jokingly.

"Boyfriend?" Sam asked.  I shrugged.

"Scott.  Don't worry, Rogue, if you and Scott get together I won't be mad," Kitty stated.  Was she always contradicting herself?  He was my boyfriend, but we weren't dating?

"So, I heard you've been dumped for the first time, Bobby," Kurt stated.  Jubilee cleared her throat loudly looked at Kurt wide-eyed.

"Something wrong with your eyes, Jubes?" Kurt asked.

"She's sitting at the table," John whispered to him.

"Oh, where?" Kurt asked looking around wildly.

"Right next to you!" Kitty yelled looking at him like he was extraterrestrial.  Kurt looked at Tess who was fiercely stabbing at her food.

"Oops," he laughed nervously.

"Obviously he didn't know they were _dating_, _Kitty_," Jubilee pointed out.

"How could he not?" she asked.

"So how bout those Lakers?" Sam asked changing the subject.

I looked at Bobby who caught my glance and stared back.  I went back to my food.

"How are you going to get into Logan's room?" Kitty asked.

"I know the code," Tess stated.

"Why do you want to get into Logan's room," Kurt asked.  Yes, why?

"To talk to him about last night," she stated.  Seven pairs of eyes landed on her.

"I don't want him to think he can control my life.  What?  He won't hurt me," she responded.

"You wish," Bobby commented.  Tess ignored him.

"Rogue, isn't Scott a little old to be your boyfriend?" Sam asked.

"No, actually he's almost twenty four," Kitty answered for me. "And she's almost seventeen, that's only six years.  My dad is , like, _ten_ years older than my mom."

"I'm not dating Scott," I said.  How did she know our birthdays?

"Oh yeah, I forgot.  Not yet," Kitty added. "You're waiting until he's not your teacher."

Where was this coming from?  Was she deciding this as she went along or had she planned out all our lives?

"Are you dating while you wait?" Bobby asked and added jokingly. "Cuz I'm free."

I looked at him, and then Kitty.

"I think it's time you shut up," I told Kitty.  She looked surprised.

"Or she'll rag you," John added.

"Why's everyone ganging up on me?!" Kitty asked.

"You shut up, too," Tess said scornfully to John.

"She can rag two people at a time," John replied teasingly.  I think.  She flicked him off.

"What's with the attitude?" Bobby asked Tess.  It was time for the sparks to start flying.

"Fuck you," she retorted glaring him in the eye, if you can say that.

"Don't think you could handle it," he replied.

"You shouldn't be talking about how _I _would handle a situation because if I'm not mistaken, Logan made you shit in your pants yesterday," Tess retorted nearly growling and still looking him in the eye.

"I don't know how he found out that I was using you for sex.  I was just about through with you anyway," he stated.

"So you could move on to who?  Everyone knows how you are now, if they didn't know before," she replied.

"Look I'm trying to eat, so if you two want to argue, do it over someone else, okay?" Jubilee said, interrupting them.  No one said anything for the next ten minutes, except Kurt occasionally asking for something to be passed to him.

"Rogue, are you done?" Tess asked looking at me.  I nodded.  She stood up and I took the hint that she wanted me to leave with her.

"Rogue's never going to come back," Kurt said as we left.

"I didn't know they were friends," I heard Sam say.

"Of course, they're bonded together by Logan," Kitty said.  I was not so sure about that.

"Come on, Kitty.  Let's go," Jubilee said.

"I'm not done," Kitty said.  I turned around to see Jubilee stand up and take Kitty's plate and her own before I rounded the doorway into the kitchen.  Tess took a seat at one of the tables.

"Are you okay?" I asked not knowing what to do.

"Of course.  It's not like _he_ dumped _me_," she stated.  I stood there awkwardly before taking a seat.  What was taking Jubilee and Kitty so long?  They knew how to handle this kind of stuff.

"Tess?" Jubilee said walking into the room. "Bobby was being totally heartless."

"Yes, very cold," she giggled at her pun. "How are we going to get revenge?"

"Revenge?" I asked.

"Shut up, Kitty," Jubilee said.  Kitty gave her a pathetic glower.

"I know what will cheer you up!" Kitty suddenly exclaimed.

"What? Peppermint face mask?" Tess asked.

"Na-_ooo_," Kitty said. "A trip to Logan's X-Men locker.  And Scott's, too, of course."

"That sounds fun!" Jubilee said. "I know the lockers are somewhere near the medical lab.  Let's go!"

"How's _that_ going to cheer me up?" she asked.

"Don't try to cover it up Tess.  You know deep down your still in love with Logan," Jubilee answered.  She and Kitty stood up.  Tess looked at me.  Was this my decision?  I nodded.  She stood up, I did the same and we started for our 'adventure'.

"This is gonna be so fun," Jubilee said as we stood in the elevator going down to the sub level floor.

"Are we allowed to be down here?" I asked as the door opened and we walked out.  What was I doing?  Why had I followed?

"There was no password," Jubilee answered. "And the medical lab's down here."

"Where do we go?" Tess asked.

"Um, that way," Jubilee answered pointing to the right.  We walked down a slightly curved hall and came to the medical lab.

"Oops, wrong way," Jubilee said turning around.

"Wait, I've never been in here before," Tess replied walking in.

"You've never been _down_ here before," Kitty stated.  We all followed her into the lab.  Jubilee walked over to a rack of test tubes.  Tess was by Jean's desk and computers.

"What's with the metallic theme?" Tess asked.

"What's this?" Kitty asked.  I walked over to her.

"A CAT scan I think," I replied, looking at the tunnel-like machine.

"_CAT_… _Kitty_," she said climbing in and sitting down. "Push a button."

I looked on the side of the machine, and pushed a button on a control panel.  The lights in the CAT scan started to come on in sets.

"Oh wow," Kitty stated sarcastically. "This is fun."

She climbed back out, and I pushed the button again, turning it off.

"Look at _this_," Tess stated smiling.  We walked over to her.

"Jean's birth control!" Jubilee exclaimed.

"Why does she keep that down here?" I asked.

"She's down here a lot.  Maybe she makes her own," Jubilee suggested.

"Let's flush it!" Kitty proposed.  They walked over to the restroom, and I followed.  Tess dropped the birth control container into the toilet and flushed it.  It spun around in circles, and then got stuck in the hole.  They burst out giggling, and I stared at them fairly scared.

"Come on.  We have tarried too long," she said with a fake English accent.  We left the lab, and headed back the same way we came.

"Wait!" Kitty said. "Look."

We looked to the right, and another hall that we had passed up extended farther than we could see.  We all walked that way.  There was a dead end.

"Okay, what's the point of this?" Jubilee asked.  I looked closely.

"I think it's a door," I stated.

"You think it's Xavier's loot?" Jubilee asked.

"There's some kind of scanner you have to use," Tess said, pointing at a panel next to the door.

"I'll check it out," Kitty stated, running through the door.  We heard a shriek.

"Uh oh," Jubilee said.

"I hope she's not dead," Tess said, starting to leave with Jubilee.  Kitty came running out.

"Where are you going?!" she screamed.

"Nowhere," Jubilee lied. "What was in there?"

"Nothing.  It was a big empty round room, with a computer and a helmet at the end.  The walkway was really narrow, too.  I thought I was going to fall when I ran in," she proclaimed.  The cerebro?

"Nothing _important_.  Let's go," Jubilee said.  We walked back out to the main hallway, and past the elevator.

"Yay!  We found them," Kitty exclaimed.  She ran to a locker and opened it.

"Storm's, I think," she replied, and moved to another.

"Here's Logan's," Jubilee stated, pulling Tess to it.  I stood there quietly.

"Come here, Rogue," Kitty said. "This is Scott's."

I walked over to her.

"I'm taking his glasses," she said. "Oh, you should take these!  No wait, you can see them when we get back upstairs."

She hid whatever it was behind her back, closed the locker and walked over to Jubilee and Tess.  Why had she called me again?

"Hand me those.  I'm giving these and those to Rogue when we get upstairs," she giggled.  There was a group of giggling.

"I want some," Tess said.  I waited patiently until they were done.  Had Kitty said she was taking Scott's glasses?

"Okay let's go," Jubilee said.  Kitty walked ahead of me wearing Scott's glasses, and hiding what she had in her hands, with a big grin on her face.  We walked back to the elevator just as we heard the jet landing.

"They're back!" Tess shrieked.  We all jetted into the elevator, and Tess quickly pressed the button.

"We made it," Kitty said, still wearing Scott's glasses as we stepped out.  The elevator closed behind us.  They burst out giggling and laughing once more as we stood in the hall.

"Everything's red.  Oh here!" Kitty said, handing me two pieces of cloth.  I shook them out.

"Oh my goodness…" I said.  I was holding two pairs of boxers.

"The red ones are Scott's, and the black are Logan's," Kitty stated grinning wildly.  I stared at the boxers in disbelief. 

"I got a pair of Logan's," Tess stated, hugging them against her face, and took a long and deep breath, then quickly brought them down from her face. "Oh course, right now, I'm still mad at him."

"Oh my-" I started.  The elevator started to open behind us.  Tess, Jubilee and Kitty screamed, and we all started running.

"What?" I heard Logan's voice ask as he came out wondering who had screamed.  We ran past some of the students leaving the game room on the way upstairs.

"Why are you running?" I heard Kurt ask, but we did not stop until we had made it upstairs.  We stopped in front of Kitty and Jubilee's room.  We were all panting like crazy, and once again they started giggling.  

"Please, stop that," I requested.  Tess walked with me to our room, changed into her pajamas (with Logan's boxers underneath) and left for Logan's room.

"You're going like that?" I asked.

"Yeah, taking the casual approach."

"Really, I recommend that you _don't_ go to his room at night, unless he knows you're coming.  I'm talking from experience," I advised.

"Bye," she said smiling.

"Bye," I replied, still high on adrenaline.  I sat down on my bed, and leaned back to lay on my back with the boxers still in my hand.  That had been actually fun.  I switched into my pajamas, and laid back down on the bed next to the boxers.  What was I going to do with them?

There was a knock at the door then.  Had we been caught?  I walked to the door with the boxers in my hand, and opened it.  John was standing there in Superman pajamas grinning.

"Hello," he stated.  My eyes widened, and then I laughed.

"What?" he asked defensively.  I shook my head.

"Those yours?" he said, looking at the boxers in my hand.

"No," I said, trying not to sound embarrassed.  I walked into the room, moving to the dresser with the boxers.

"Yeah they are," he said walking in, following me.

"_No_, they're _not_," I responded.  He came up behind me, and took them from my hand.

"A little too big for you don't you think," he stated, moving away from me as I tried to get them back.

"Are they…_Logan's_?" he asked teasingly.  I did not answer.

"Dude, they are, aren't they?" he called. "Wow, Roguey, are you turning into Kitty?"

"Shut up, I didn't take them.  Kitty gave them to me, and only one's Scott's.  I mean Logan's!" Too late, damage already done.  His eyes went wider than before.  He dodged my attempted to take them from him again.

"Scott's!" he proclaimed almost laughing. "You've been hanging around Kitty too long."

"Be quiet, and give them back!" I yelled.  There was a knock on the door.

"You should go see who that is.  It might be Scott wondering where his boxers are," he laughed teasingly still not giving me the boxers.

"Shut up, and give me the damn boxers!" I yelled.  The person knocking most likely heard.

"It's probably Tess," he said ignoring me, running to the wall beside the door, and getting ready to throw the boxers at her.  There was another knock.

"Open it," he whispered.  I glared at him and walked to the door, swinging it open with a scowl.  John jumped in front of the person, and threw the boxers.  We both gasped when we saw who it was.  Logan was standing there with the boxers covering his head, and with Tess behind him.  She started laughing, but stopped when he brought a hand up, and shot his claws out.  He picked the boxers from his face with them.  He looked at them, and then us.  John backed slowly away until he was behind me.  I bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing as I took the boxers from Logan.  

"Are those mine?" he asked, recognizing them somehow.  I handed the black pair back to him.  Tess burst out laughing.  He stared at me, surprised, as he took them.  He looked at the red pair.

"Scott's," John notified, stepping beside me.  My eyes went wide; I turned to him, and glared.

"Shut up!" I screamed.

"What?!" Logan growled. "Did he give them to you?  Fucking pervert!  Is that how he seduced you, Marie?!"

"No!  I was never seduced, and he didn't-" I said.

"Kitty gave them to her," Tess told him. "And yours, too."

"How did Kitty get them?  From Scott?  Did he tell her to give them to Marie?" he asked angrily taking the boxers away from me.  No one answered him.  Logan looked at John expecting an answer.

"I don't know!" he stated.  Logan looked at his pajamas, and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" John asked defensively.

"What are you doing here?" Logan asked.  He shrugged.

"Hanging out," John stated.  Logan looked at me.  I knew what he was thinking.

"John, go back to your room," Logan started. "You two want to 'hang out', do it downstairs in some clothes."

He walked away obviously satisfied that he had gotten his way with out any trouble (and his boxers).  I looked at Tess.

"He said I was 'inappropriately dressed'," she said sarcastically.

"I want my boxers back, Tess, and wash them," he added, not looking back as he walked away.  She scowled at him.

 "I think he used the 'inappropriately dressed' thing for an excuse to not talk to me because he was expecting a _certain_ _slut,_" Tess said fumingly, after he had left. "_Certain_ _slut_ known as Jean.  Can't keep the bitch waiting."

Well, at least I would not have to worry about what I would do with either of the boxers, but, shit, what if he told Scott?

V(IV, ii). Boxers


	6. Pajamas

A/N: Songs belong to Avril and Stroke 9.  What do you all (y'all) think about alternate endings? Huh, huh? 

I had a long somewhat bitter speech here, but I'm going to keep it short.  Sorry that you hated chapter 5. If you read properly, rogue did _not_ help kitty, Tess or jubilee steal the boxers.  Chapter seven won't be up for a while, cuz I'm grounded (using school comp. right now).  I need ideas for chapter 7, too.   Back off bobby lovers.  Some of you might know my first ff.net pen name was drakezgurl.  He's is one of my fav X-Men, but I can make bobby a fucking psycho killer if I _want_, and I expect to get no shit from it.  Know why?  Cuz it's _my_ story, and _I_ can write want _I_ want.  People who want _another_ iceman/rogue (not that they are bad) stop reading.  I realize that this isn't all that short and that it is bitter.  Thank you for you reviews, and thank _you_ Rio.

Friday, 9 August 2002 – Monday, 12 August 2002

VI. Pajamas

The boxers Kitty gave me were now in Logan's possession.  Not only was Logan convinced, now, that I liked Scott, he thought that Scott had mutual feelings, and had given me the boxers to show them.  No doubt in his mind, I was the naive teenage girl that craved the attention of the hot older guy, but how believable was that.  Why did this sound like I was describing a certain neighbor of mine?  The chances of him not paying Scott a visit were close to nothing.  I wondered if he would do it tonight or tomorrow.  Jean would be the first to know.  Either way, one thing would lead to another, and the trip down to the sublevel would be revealed.  Just two more reasons to visit the professor.  If Logan told Scott, not only would that be embarrassing, it would make things strange between Scott and me, but then again we had gotten pass the rumors of us dating each other.  But that was completely different.  He might think that the reason I hung around him was because I was obsessed with him, like I was… Kitty or something.  

"Rogue?" Tess called from her bed.  I turned in my bed towards her voice.

"Yes?" I answered groggily.

"Come with me downstairs, please?  No questions, right now," she asked.  Why did she want to go downstairs?  I thought about it.  Should I go with her, so she would not have to be alone in the dark, downstairs, or stay right where I was, in my warm comfortable bed.

"No," I answered, turning back around.

"Ouch, watch where you're going," Tess said, as she pulled me down the dimly lit hallway towards the stairs.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I replied sarcastically.

"I think these are the stairs," she said, holding my arm tighter as she tested them with one foot.

"Where are we _going_?" I asked.

"Shhhhh," she whispered.  We walked carefully down the stairs, and when we got to the bottom she stood there, silently.  I nudged her.

"This way," she said pulling me to the left, away from the dining room, lounge and kitchen towards the class rooms, the library and the front entrance.

"What do you and Scott usually talk about?" she asked me.  I shrugged, and realize she could not see.

"I don't know," I answered.

"How do you not know?"  Do you talk about school?" she asked.

"Not really," I answered.

"Logan and Jean?"

"Not really."

"Have you talked about why Scott broke up with Jean?" she asked curiously.

"No…."

"Sex?"

"No."

"Doesn't sound very exciting."

"We're not usually alone long enough to start a real conversation, with Logan, Jean, Bobby, Kitty and _you_ coming in all the time."

"Sorry for being thirsty."

"And trailing along after Logan, and sending people-"

"I do not _trail_."

"If saying that makes you feel better," I said.

"_Whatever_."

"Which way?" I asked.  She looked around.

"I think she said this way," she answered.

"Who?" I asked.

"Shhhhh.  Do you think I should date Sam?  He's sorta cute," she commented.

"If he wants to date you."

"What do you mean _if_?  Logan said he liked me, didn't he?"

"Yeah, okay, sure."

"Here we are."

"What do you need from the garage?" I asked when she opened the door.  We walked in, and she perused the key holder.

"Come on," she said grabbing one, and then pulling me through the garage.   A car beep and flashed its lights, startling me and making me scream.

"Calm down!"

"Sorry, I thought we got caught or something."

"I pushed the alarm, so I could find the car," we walked towards a SUV.

"What'd you forget in here?" I asked.  She opened the door, stepped on the car's footrest, sat down in the driver's seat and closed the door.

"What are you doing?" I whispered loudly.  It was dawning on me.  She started the engine.  I quickly ran to the other side of the car, opened the door and hoped in, closing the door behind me.

"What are you doing!" I yelled.

"Shhhhh," she pulled the visor down, revealing the garage opener.  She pushed the button, and the garage door opened, showing the pitch black sky twinkling with stars.

"It's so pretty.  There were never this many stars in Beverly Hills with all the light and pollution, which ever is the cause."

"That's nice!  What are you doing?!  I shouldn't have even gotten in. I'm leaving."  I told her trying to open the door.  She pushed the lock button, and started to pull out from the car's parking spot in the garage.

"Stop freaking out!  Don't you know that you're not supposed to jump out of moving vehicles!"

"Did you just _lock me in_?" I yelled. "What are you doing?  Is there something I should _know_ about you, Tess?" 

"Calm down!  We're going to the mall.  I saw one on the way down here with Logan.  It looked really big!"

"You forced me, against my will, out of me bed, in the middle of the night, to go to the _fucking mall_!" I screamed.  This is what I needed to know, that she was a fucking psychopath.

"Watch you language," she said, as we drove down the drive towards the gate.  I pulled my seatbelt on.

"Never again," I mumbled.  I could have killed her.

"Uh huh, sure."

"I hope we don't even make it out of the gate," I told her.

"Shut up!  So pessimistic!  That's bad luck." The gate opened as we pulled up to it.

"Haha, it opened!"  She revved the engine, and we pulled out of the drive, turning on the road that led us off of Xavier's property.  I looked out of the window, and saw the sleeping mansion get smaller and smaller.

"Don't be mad, Rogue," Tess said, as I ignored her, and glared straight ahead through the window.

"When did Logan bring you here?" she questioned.

"Three days before he left," I stated.

"Did he find you in Canada?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"Is that where you're from?"

"Mississippi," I answered. 

"You ran away?" she inquired.  I nodded.

"Me too," she said. "Do you like John?"

Well, I did not _not _like him.  I shrugged.

"Scott's sorta sexy in a non-Logan way," she added.

"Uh huh," I replied not paying her any attention now.

"I _knew_ you liked him," she added giggling.

"Did you?  I thought you knew I liked John?" I said mockingly.

"Oh yeah," she mumbled. "do you?"

"You'll be the last to know," I laughed, knowing it was torture for her.

"What?" she screamed. "After all we've been through?"

I rolled my eyes.  A trip to the sublevels and dinner, and we're soul sisters.

"Which one do you like better?" she asked.

"You can't ask that.  Two completely different types of relationships."

"Yeah, whatever.  I better be the _first_ to know when you and John get together."

"What are you going to buy?  Do you even have money?" I asked when we walked into the mall through the J.C. Penny's department store, down the aisle.

"Who says we have to buy anything?  Let's go upstairs," she said.  We kept walking and stepped onto the escalator.  Someone cleared his throat as we stepped onto the second floor.  We turned around and three guys were staring curiously at us.  I realized we were still in our pajamas.

"Midnight shopping?" a guy with blonde hair asked.

"Exactly," Tess answered pulling me towards them.  What the hell was she doing?  We did not even know these guys.  She started flirting with the blonde and one of the other guys.

"I'm Tess," she said. "This is R-Marie."

What was wrong with her?

"I'm Todd, this is Zack, and that's Ben," Todd, the blonde, said.  Tess released my arm.  Ben stood there, looking at me.

"Hi," I said.  He reached out.  I stepped back, but he took my arm anyway, pulled me over with him a couple of meters away from Tess, Todd and Zack.

"So what are you two doing out so late?" he asked.  I shrugged.  I really did not know.

"What are you doing out so late?" I asked him.  He smiled.

"Hoping to meet someone like you," he replied.  I could have walked away just then, after that cheesy line.

"Hold on," he told me, walking over behind one of the counters.  He picked up a perfume sample card that was laying around, and found a pen.  There was not a cashier in sight.  He came back around, leaned over the counter and started writing something.  I looked back at Tess, who was still flirting with the other two guys.  I swallowed nervously.  How long were we going to be here?  Ben finished his note and looked up.

"We'll be right back," he told Tess, Todd and Zack.  Who was we?  He walked over to me, turned me around and slipped an arm around my waist.

"What-" I tried pulling away.

"We're not going far," he said escorting me down the hall into a different section of the store.  He pulled me to the side, where we were hidden by racks of clothes.  He stood there, grinning at me, then put his hands on my waist.  I pushed his arms away.

"Shy?" he asked.  He pulled me back, closer this time.  The more I resisted, the harder his grip got.  It was starting to hurt.

"Did you want something," I told him, putting my hands against his stomach to push away.  He obviously took this the wrong way because he grinned, and leaned over me.

"No, wait!  I need to get back," I  told him, trying to push him away, unsuccessfully.

"We won't be long," he replied.  He pulled closer again, this time bringing both hands behind my back.  He raised my shirt a little, and slipped the card down the small of my back into the waistband of my pajamas.  I  pushed him away as hard as I could and pulled the card from my back and holding it in my hand.

"Don't look at it until you leave," he said.  I started walking away, back to Tess, as fast as I could.  He caught up with me.

"You don't have to play hard to get," he whispered as we walked back to Tess, Todd and Zack.  Tess was still flirting with them.

"Yeah, well, I have to go," I mumbled.

"Can I get a good-bye kiss?" he asked.  I tried to think of a way to get out of this.

"I don't kiss guys I just met," I said.

"Well, we didn't just meet," he said, grabbing my arm.  It reminded me the night Bobby asked, and I realized that he was going to kiss me whether I wanted him to or not.

I repressed my powers as best as I could when his lips landed on mine.  It was not that bad, and I wanted to kiss him back, until I remembered I barely knew him, and until he shoved his tongue down my throat.  He moaned in my mouth, kissing me harder and rested his free hand on my waist.  Was this guy trying to eat me?  What kind of a good-bye kiss was this?  How he expected me to make out with him after only knowing him for five minutes, was beyond my thought.  He let go of my arm, and brought it up to my chest, and then the asshole started to feel my breast through my shirt, _squeezing _andsuch.  I grabbed his hand and pushed it away, and then tried to push him away to keep from suffocating.  I would not be able to hold my powers back for very long, and I was not sure I wanted to.  He finally pulled back.  I do not know if he did it for air or because he felt me pushing him away, but I did not care.  He looked at my lips as he pulled up, and licked his.  I pushed him back harshly.

"Bye," I called quickly as I walked to Tess.  She was staring at me with her mouth open.

"We have to go, bye," she said as I came up to her.  She linked her arm through mine and we started walking away.

"Looks like you and Ben got along very well," Tess stated.  I glared at her.

"Shut up.  Remind me to wash my mouth, when we get back," I told her.

We walked towards the escalator, and sat down on the step as it carried us down.

"What's that?  His number?" she asked, looking at the card in my hand.  I handed it to her.  She read it, and her eyes widened.

"What's it say?" I asked.

"Wow, Roguey, you work quickly… or he does," she answered.  I snatched the card from her and read it.

'I hope this is what you always look like when you wake up, because I like what I see.  Let me find out sometime soon.  Call me babe, 555-1010. –Ben'

My mouth dropped open.  Slut.  We stood up, and stepped of the escalator just as someone stood in front of us.  We walked straight into his chest.

"Sor-" Tess started.  We looked up and saw Logan, staring angrily down at us.  Tess screamed loudly.

"Don't do that again," he growled.  He grabbed both of us by the arms, and pulled us down the hall.

"H-how'd you know left?" Tess stuttered.

"I _heard_ you," he answered. "Not the only one either."

Tess looked at me. "Did we disturb you and Jeannie?"

He glared at her. "What the hell were you thinking getting up in the middle of the night using one of the cars without askin' and coming to the mall, _in your pajamas_?"

"How'd you find us?" she asked.

"Had to wake Xavier up," he said. "to use the Cerebro.  We thought you were runnin'."

"We're going to be in a shit load of trouble," she stated.

"How'd you guess?" he asked sarcastically.  Tess gasped.  Todd, Zack and Ben were coming down the escalator.

"Logan let go of our arms," she demanded, trying to pull away unsuccessfully. "Oh no!"

"What?" Logan turned around. "You're not talking to those guys."

He looked at her, then me.

"Are you sniffing us?" Tess asked.  He looked at Zack, Todd and Ben.

"One of them was all over you," he told me. "Damn it, did he touch you?"

"Touch?" Tess laughed. "More like groped, petted, and some fondlation, too.  I thought he was checking her for breast cancer or sumthin."

"Fondlation is not even a word," I said.  Logan looked at them and yanked us towards them.

"Which one?" he asked.

"Ben, why?" Tess asked, then screamed as we started walking towards them.. "Noooooo!"

They looked at us, and she quickly straightened out her pajamas.  Logan pulled us to the bottom of the escalator to wait for them.

"Which one of you is Ben?" he asked.

"I am," Ben answered.

"How old are you?" Logan asked.

"Twenty-three," he answered.  My eyes widened.

"What?!  How old are you?" Tess asked the Zack and Todd.

"Twenty-two," they said.

"Yeah, well you just molested two sixteen year olds," he growled, "and I'd do something about it, if I wasn't sure that they'd run as soon as I let 'em go."

They all stepped back.

"You're so rude, Logan.  You're treating us like children," Tess told him as he pulled us off again.  I looked over my shoulder to see them staring after us.  Ben winked at me.  I turned back.  The pervert probably liked the idea of me being under eighteen.

"I'm not surprised the old one went after you, Rogue.  I mean you being involved with Scott and all," Tess stated as we walked outside.

"Scott's not old," I said.  Logan looked at me.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Marie?!" Logan yelled suddenly. "You didn't even know that asshole.  I'm not even going to start with Scott.  Were you expecting to meet him in the kitchen tonight?"

I shook my head. "He gets headaches sometimes from his mut-"

"Is that what he tells you to lure you down there?"

"Whoa, Logan calm down," Tess said quietly.  I felt sick, sick of everything.  Logan and Ben.

"You're not going to cry, are you?" Tess asked.  There must have been some tears because everything went blurry for a second, until I blinked.  I shook my head.  Logan sighed.

"How'd you get here?" Tess asked as we walked outside.

"Jean took the car back," he answered.  Tess scowled.

"Get in the front," he told me.  Tess opened the backdoor and got in.  He waited until I got in, before he went to driver's side.

We had been driving for twenty minutes and Tess had fallen asleep.  I was looking out my window, Ben's note crumpled in my hand.

"Marie," Logan called.  I did not move, and he was quiet for a while.

"Marie, that guy… was too old for you," he told me.  Was this supposed to be some sort of consolation or something?  I continued looking out the window.

"You'll probably never see him again," he continued.  Maybe, if I did not call him.  I fingered the note.

"You probably know this… is that why…."

"_He_ kissed _me_, Logan.  I didn't kiss him back and I tried to stop him, but he was too strong," I answered finally.  He did not say anything.

"Surprised?" I asked. "Not the little slut you thought I was?"

"I never said-"

"Doesn't matter."  I looked at the note in my hand.

"A note."

"From who?"  That guy?  Ben?"  I did not answer him. "Shit, Rogue, why-"

"He put it down the back of my pants.  He was sort of aggressive.  Caught me by surprise."

"What's it say?" he asked.

"What me to read it?"

"Yes," he answered.  I sighed.

"You can't take it away from me after I'm done," I said.

"_What's _it _say_?" he asked.

"Promise you won't or I won't read it," I demanded.

"I won't.  Read it," he replied.  I smiled.

"'I hope this is what you always look like when you wake up, because I like what I see.  Let me find out sometime soon.  Call me babe, 555-1010. –Ben'," I read laughing.  Logan's knuckles were white from griping the steering wheel to tight.

"You're not calling him?" he stated more than asked.

"I don't know," I said.  He looked at me.

"You're _not_ calling him," he growled.

"I _don't know_," I repeated, saying it just to play with him.

"Marie," he growled.

"Logan," I said, trying not to laugh.  I  went back to my window.

"Look, ki-Rogue… Marie, I'm sorry," he muttered.  I looked at him surprised.

"About before.  Yelling at you, and before that, back at the mansion.  Accusing you of doing those things Bobby said you did.

"And not exactly talking to you when I came back," he apologized. "Seems like you and Tess are-"

"Yes," I answered. "You're forgiven."

"Maybe the three of us could… do something."

"… Sure," I answered, looking out the window.

"Did something happen after I left?" he asked.

"… Another round of reality," I told him.  He nodded.

"Still have the tags?" he asked.  I smiled.

"Yes," I answered.

"Are you wearing them?" he asked.

"Yes, but… don't take it personally," I answered.  He grinned.

"You're teaching a class?" I asked smiling.

"Yeah, don't have much of a choice."

"Don't expect me to be teacher's pet."

"I'd rather you weren't… how's it goin' with John?"

"Fine.  Last time I was with John," I looked at the clock, "two hours ago, he was fine."

"About that last time.  'Hanging out' in your pajamas… playin' with boxers… _my_ boxers… and Sc-"

"We weren't 'playin' with boxers'.  He took them from me, and I was trying to get them back."

"Yes, I heard."

"Yeah, I know.  I'll watch my language."

"Are you two dating?" he asked.

"No… it would have been lees than a day and I cheated on him with Ben…"

"You're not calling him."

"I don't know… he sorta turned me on with his tongue being shoved down my throat, and his breast squeezing," I answered, teasing Logan.  He grabbed the note, and rolled down the window.

"No! I was just joking?" I tried snatching the note from him. "No, Logan, please, when's the next time I'll ever get a note like that?"

"I don't know," was he mocking me?

"Logan," I called.  He threw the note at me, and rolled up the window.  I grabbed it.

"Or the next time I go to the mall with Tess," I reached out and turned on the radio.

"_Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?/Right now I feel invisible to you like I'm not real/Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?/Why'd you turn away? Here's what I have to say/I was left to cry there/Waiting outside there/Grinning with a lost stare/That's when I decided…/**Why should I care?/Cause you weren't there/when I was scared I was so alone/You, you need listen/I'm starting to trip/I'm losing my grip/and I'm in this thing alone**_-" Logan reached out and changed the station.  Tess popped up between our seats.  The music must have woken her up.  She looked freaked out.

"Sorry," I said.  She nodded.

"_No…I just don't understand why/You won't talk to me/It hurts, I'm so unwanted from nothing/Don't talk words against me/I wanted to know you/I wanted to show you/**You don't know me Don't ignore me/You don't want me there you just shut me out/You don't know me, don't ignore/If you had your way you'd just shut me out/Make me go away/Make me go away**_-" he changed it once again.

"It sounds like you wrote those songs, Rogue," Tess said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"I don't know," she sat back, "for Logan.  Except for the holding part, of course.  You gonna call Ben?"

"I don't know," I answered.

"You should get to know him.  I thought was what you were doing when you went with him, but you came back too quick.  Zack and Todd weren't my type.  You always get the good ones.  Scott, John… it's not fair.  I'm stuck with Logan and Bobby.  Why didn't anyone tell me about Bobby?"

"What?" Logan asked. "Did you not hear anything I told you yesterday night?"

"Doesn't count.  It was after we started dating," she answered.

"The same day you meet him.  You're anything but _stuck_ with me."

"You're just like Bobby.  Using Jean.  She's probably using you, too.  To get back at Scott for dumping her.  He dumped her.  Jubilee said it was very risky for him to do that.  He risked his life to be with you, Rogue," she stated quickly.

"Yeah," I said.  Logan looked at me angrily.

"I was joking," I told him.  Tess sat up, and changed the station.

"**_I GET STUPEFIED! _**-" I changed the station.

"How'd you get the boxers?" Logan asked us. "I still want mine back, Tess."

"Kitty.  Just don't tell Scott," I said.

"Does he know you have his boxers?" Logan asked.  I shook my head.  He did not say anything.

"Is that an okay?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said.  I went back to my window, and Tess sat back.

"_Don't wanna talk about it I say why not? Don't wanna think about it I say there's got to be some good reason/ for your little black backpack, up smack/turn around he's on his back**/and don't wanna tangle with you/I'd rather tangle with him/I think I'm gonna bash his head in/And this shouldn't concern you, except that/just don't expect to get you bloody black backpack back/don't wanna tangle with you/I'd rather tangle with him/I think I'm gonna bash his head in/And this shouldn't concern you, except that/just don't expect to get you bloody black backpack back….**_"

"Sounds like John found out about Ben," Logan said.

"No, sounds like Tess doesn't want to give you your boxers back," I said.

VI Pajamas


	7. Fondalation

A/N: X-Men2- 05.02.03.  I realized that the title made sense with the first version of this story, but now it doesn't.  I only read over this once because I wanted to post it, so I hope you like typos.  I need IDEAS for chapter VIII.  Also, thanks Tatiana.  Refer back to this after you have read the chapter- don't panic Ryro lovers.  

Monday, 12 August 2002 –

VII. Fondalation

There was no waiting for the morning; our punishment did not need to wait according to Jean.  We had woken everyone anyway, she told us.  

"Sorry," Tess mumbled.  That sent Jean off like a firecracker.  She sure as hell was going to make us sorry.  We had ran away in the middle of the night-a school night- alone into the 'dangerous world' with out permission, stolen a car, and disturbed everyone else in the process.

"We didn't _run away_," Tess said correcting her. "We _went_ to the _mall_."

Nice excuse, but Jean already knew that because she was the one who had to get the professor in order for him to use the cerebro.

"You're teli.  Why couldn't you the thing," Tess replied.  Why? Because the _thing_ could kill this _teli_.  A risk she was not going to take for two rebellious teenage girls making stupid decisions.

"Who you callin' stupid?  You're the one being stupid, making such a big deal out of-" I nudged her.  Shut up, Tess.  She looked at me, and I shook my head, telling her that there was no need for her to continue.

"Cut to the punishment," Tess commanded.  As if this was not enough.  The punishment, that I had been forced into because Tess needed some 'more adventure' in her life, was a month of service to teach us respect.  To who?  Jean and anybody in authority.

"We're basically your bitches!" Tess screamed.  Jean raised an eyebrow challenging her to rebel.  She had, of course, asked for it.

"I didn't ask for shit!  This is-" _Shut up, Tess_.

"We're basically their bitches," Tess whispered fiercely. "What kind of punishment is this?  It's horrible.  Inhumane."

But that was what we got for being unreasonable, and what were we thinking going out in public in our pajamas?  Were we asking for attention?  Jean yelled all of this into our faces.

"Sure as hell got it," Logan mumbled.  What did he mean by that?  Jean wanted to know.

"Some guys were all over them," he stated.  Jean turned to us.  Were we happy?  We had found some guys to flirt with.

"They found us, and Rogue was the only one getting fondled," Tess told her.

"No one asked who was fondled," I told Tess, glaring at her.  Jean asked what the hell I was thinking fooling around with some guy?  Did he touch my skin?  Did anyone see?

"No," I answered.  

"Like I said before.  Touch?  No.  Fondalation?  Yes," Tess proclaimed.  Should I or should I not kill her?

"He kissed her," Logan stated.  What she did next was basically blame it on my hanging out with Scott.

"It has nothing to do with Scott," I told her.  Wrong answer.  She only got angrier at my calling him Scott.  When she decided she had had enough of us, she sent us to our room.

As soon as we walked upstairs I was ready for the rumors to start rolling.  Kitty and Jubilee were waiting in our room, sitting on our beds ready to greet us.

"How'd you get in here?" I asked.  Of course, they already knew the code.  They had acquired it from Tess a long time ago.

"Where'd you go?" Kitty asked excitedly.

"The mall," Tess answered.

"The mall?" Jubilee asked. "We could have gone tomorrow."

She looked at the clock. "Today."

Tess shrugged.

"What happened?" Kitty asked.  Tess smiled and looked at me.  I rolled my eyes at her immaturity.

"Rogue got some action," Tess explained.

"Who'd you fight?" Kitty asked eagerly.

"I didn't _fight_ anyone," I answered, insulted.

"She and some guy… well, fondalation," Tess responded.  How many times was she going to say that?

"Fondalation?" Jubilee asked.  Tess nodded elatedly.

"He gave her a goodnight kiss and his number," Tess replayed.  Kitty and Jubilee gasped, and then screamed with joy.  Kitty ran to me, and tried to hug me, but stopped when she saw the look on my face.

"Show them the note," Tess said.  Kitty snatched it from my hand before I had a chance to say no.  She and Jubilee read it, and then screamed again.

"Wow, this is so cool!" Kitty said.

"It's sweet," Jubilee replied.  Sweet?

"And guess what?" Tess asked.

"What?" they asked simultaneously.

"He was…_twenty-three_!" she exclaimed.  They shrieked again, and then giggled.

"Stop!  Do not scream again," I demanded.  There was a knock at the door.  They all went wide-eyed.

"Answer it!" Kitty whispered.  I was standing closest to the door.  Their screaming had probably disturbed someone.  I turned around, and headed for the door.  I slowly pulled it open.

"I came up here to check on you, and you're still making a racket," Logan said.

"We're fine, Logan.  Rogue's not traumatized or anything," Tess said.

"Was he hot?" Jubilee asked.

"Very," Tess answered.

"You're not-" Logan started.

"Talking about Ben?  No," Tess lied, giving away the truth.  He looked incredulous.   

"What are you two doing here?" Logan asked.  They got up, and giggled as they walked passed me.

"What's wrong with them?" Logan asked, after they left.  I shook my head.

"You always running people off?" Tess asked, walking towards us. "It's past your bedtime, Logan."

She closed the door, and I walked to my bed, and sat down.  The note was lying on my bed.

"Call him," Tess said.

"I don't really want to," I stated. "He was too aggressive."

"No, just experienced," she said, laying down.  I put the note in the top drawer, and turned off the light, and laid down.

"_You _can call him," I said.

"You went to the mall?" John asked, skeptically.

"I didn't have much of a choice," I told him.  Tess turned around and smiled.

"So are you ready and willing to _serve_?" Jubilee asked.

"Serve?" Bobby asked sitting down. "Who?"

"Scott," Kitty said.  I wish she would stop with her Scott obsessing.

"Serve Scott _how_?" he asked.

"Anyway he demands," Kitty answered.  He looked at Tess, then me.

"Not just Scott.  Jean, Logan, Ororo, the professor," Jubilee said. "Mostly Jean.

"No Bobby.  There's no sign up sheet," Tess said.  He glared at her.

"I wish they'd stop with the flirting," Jubilee said.  A rude comment, a glower… if that's what you wanted to call flirting.

"What'd you do at the mall?" John asked.  I bit my bottom lip.

"That where you went last night?" Bobby asked.  Kitty, Jubilee and Tess looked at each other and smiled.

"Fondalation."

"What?" Bobby and John both asked confused.

"Rogue got groped," Tess answered.  Did she have to explain what happened so loosely, as if to make it sound like I wanted it to happen?

"Ben was all over her.  He could probably identify her in the dark by touch," Tess explained.  I bit the inside of my cheek.  John and Bobby looked at me.  I tried to pretend not to notice.

"And there was a good-bye kiss, and he gave her his number," she continued.  No one asked for the details.  Why was she giving them out?

"The note said, 'I hope you always look like this.  Let me come over to your place-'," Kitty started.

"No, it didn't.  It said, 'I hope this is the way you always look when you wake up.  Come over to my place… we'll fuck, then find out," Jubilee interrupted.  John looked disturbed.  Bobby cleared his throat.

"You made out with this guy?"

"He was twenty three!"  Kitty exclaimed excitedly.

"I didn't make out with him.  He kissed me," I said.

"How'd you kiss him?" Bobby asked.  What kind of question was that?

"What do you mean?" Jubilee asked. "Their lips touched, and I'm guess their tongues did, too."

"_I_ didn't kiss him," I repeated. "He kissed me."

"And fondled," Tess added. "Breast fondalation."

"And you let him do this?" Bobby asked.  Like I had a choice.  Why was he so interested?

"I didn't let him do anything," I said.

"What's with the interrogation?" John asked, breaking his silence.

"Nothing," he shrugged, "just questions.  So you're not going to call him?"

"No…." I answered.

"Here comes Scott," Kitty proclaimed. "Nothing about his glasses yet."

"He probably has a whole drawer full," Jubilee stated

 "Did Logan find out about your boxers?" Jubilee asked Tess.  Tess nodded.

She nodded, "I'm not giving them back."

"Sorry bout yesterday.  Hope you don't miss the boxers too much," John said.

"It's okay.  I still have your to go flinging around at people," I replied.

"If that'll make you feel better," he laughed.

"You have his boxers?" Bobby asked. "How did you get his boxers?"

"Shut up, Bobby," Jubilee replied.  He sat back in his chair.

"I don't see how she kissed him," he mumbled. "How'd he get around her powers?"

"How _else_ did she sleep with John," Kitty asked, staring at Bobby, as if he was stupid.

"She didn't sleep with John," Bobby retorted.  Neither John nor I said anything.

"Told you he was a liar," Jubilee said.

"He was lying?" Kitty asked confused. "Why would he lie?"

"That's what I _said_, Miss ready and willing to serve," Jubilee answered.

"You're the one who said that," Kitty retorted.

"So what?" Jubilee answered.

"Do you _like_ Ben?" Bobby asked.

"Rogue would not go over with them, so I had to tell them her real name," Tess stated.

"How did he know you had just woken up?" Bobby asked.

"We were in our pajamas," Tess answered.

"Did he ever say he wanted her to come," when would he stop, "over to his place?"

Tess looked at me, "I'm not sure."

"Did he tell her to call?" she shrugged.

"Did he hug her?" he asked.

"No, but he held onto something else, if you _know what I mean_," Tess answered.

"I'm sorry.  I don't," Bobby said angrily.

"But I said it before.  Breast fondalation," Tess answered.

"And where were you?" John asked.

"I was talking with the other two, then they left for some privacy, and when they came back, he gave her a good-bye kiss and fondled," Tess explained.  Was that her favorite word, because she could not seem to say anything else?

"Privacy?" Bobby asked. "You left with some guy you just met?"

I was getting annoyed and pissed.  I raised my hand.  Jean looked up.

"Restroom," I said.  She narrowed her eyes, but nodded.  I stood up, and walked towards the door.

"You're not going to ask the same thing in five minutes, and meet her are you?" Jubilee asked John.  I walked out of the classroom with no intention of coming back.

"If I had known the questions were bothering you I wouldn't have answered any," Tess told me later.  She was facing me from her bed.

"I mean I didn't _know_ the questions were bothering you," she stated.  She had already said that, had she not?  I was working on a worksheet Jean had given us, sitting on my bed perpendicular from Tess.

"Cause I thought you didn't mind the questions until you never came back," she continued, "and then you never came back."

She had repeated herself again.  I looked up to see that her nails were distracting her.

"I think you got Jean mad, cuz she looked mad at the end of the period," Tess stated, still looking at her nails. "What if she's mad?  I wonder why she hasn't given us any work yet, cuz she hasn't given us any work yet, and she seemed really mad when we got her mad for leaving school.  Why was Bobby being so rude, and asking all those questions about last night?  Jerk.  He needs to learn some matter, and Jean, too.  They need to learn some matters together in a 'learn your matters' class or something.  I can't believe Ben kissed you like that, on the first date.  It wasn't even technically a date, and he kissed you.  And he must of thought you two were together, cuz he touched your breast."

As if I had not noticed.  I continued to work on my worksheet, while she talked and looked at her nails.

"Maybe you should call him, but then what about John!  I think you should forget about Ben, and get with John.  I mean you haven't even known Ben that long anyway, and he's a little old.  If you get together you have to tell me first, cuz I want to be first to know that you and John are dating.  You think Sam likes me?  I'd date him if he did, cuz he's cute, and I want to date him.  Maybe we could double date!  That would be so cool if jean will ever let us out the house again!  How can Logan like her?  I'd never double date with him, if he was dating her cause how can he like her?  I'm willing to bet on her hair dye, it's a relationship based off sex.  Why?  Why?  _Why_ would he date her?  When you and John get together, tell me first, cuz I want to be first to know when you and he get together.  Then we can double date.  You and him, and me and Sam.  When are you going to get together?  Jubilee could get you together.  She's really good at that kind of stuff.  Don't take forever okay, cuz if you do, I'll get Jubilee to get you together cuz you were taking so long to get together, and she's good at that stuff.  Then we could double date-" There was a knock at the door, and to my surprise she stopped talking.  She looked up from her nails, and glanced over her shoulder towards the door.  She sighed, and pushed herself off the bed.  The person's impatience showed when they knocked again.

"Coming!" she yelled, ambling slowly towards the door, bringing up her other hand to look at her nails.  She rolled her eyes when the person knocked again.

"I said I was coming," she said irately as she opened the door.  Bobby pushed passed her, stepping into the room.  He stood there, like he was waiting for a greeting.

"Excuse you," Tess said fumingly, and then mumbled. "You need some damn manners."

"I forgot something," he stated.  He walked towards me, staring me intensely in the eye, and then walked between our beds towards the dresser.

"Forgot what when?" she asked.  He did not answer instead he opened the top drawer, and started rummaging around, making a mess.  He made an ample amount of noise as he looked around the top drawer.  He closed it, and opened the bottom drawer.

"What are you doing?" I asked, getting ready to get off the bed, panic setting in my heart.  He closed the bottom drawer, and went back to the top.  He stopped for a moment, staring into the drawer, and closed it, holding a box of condoms in one hand, and something else in the other.  Tess rolled her eyes.

"Like you'll need those," she said sarcastically.

"And you will?" he asked.  She held the door open for him as he walked out, closing it after him also.

"He totally messed up that drawer, and didn't even fix it," she stated. "Like I said manners needed."

I went back to my worksheet as she looked throw the drawer.

"He took the note," she stated.  I glanced at the drawer.  Why would he take the note?  What would entice him to _take_ the _note_?  What would _induce_ him to-?

"Why would he take the note?!" she asked.  I shrugged.

"Maybe he wants to pretend it's for him," I stated, picturing Bobby reading the note over and over every night as a guilty pleasure.

"Huh? No, I think he going to start some rumors!"  She replied.  I looked up at her.  That _was_ a possibility considering it was most likely the truth.  A deep swell of regret for keeping the note, and not stopping Bobby inundated me, and then left.  I went back to the worksheet.

"You can't just let him run your life!" Tess exclaimed exuberantly.  That was the last thing he was doing.

"Okay," I mumbled erasing an answer from the worksheet.

"This would be so much easier if _you _were dating _JOHN!" _She yelled angrily. "It would put an end to Bobby and his crap because John could just beat him up! For talking shit about his girlfriend!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry.  It's all my fault," I replied sarcastically, rewriting the answer I had previously erased.

"Yeah, and it would be like a soap opera," she said, not paying me any attention, and sitting down, "and I could win the Academy Award for best supporting actress at sixteen."

Tess was gone finally.  She was downstairs eating dinner with everybody else, and her absence was much needed.  She had been spending a lot of time with me since we had gone down to the sublevels.  She was convinced that we had 'so much in common', and with her came Jubilee and Kitty.  They had all started to get on my nerves.  How much of them did they think I could take?  Then, there was Bobby and his fickleness that had decided that they owned me again.  What would induce him to take the note?  Was he going to call Ben?  And say what?  'Back off, she's my bitch.'  What did John think of all this?  He had not said much.  Did this lower his opinion of me?  His opinion, unlike the others, actually mattered to me.  Did he actually think I wanted to make out with Ben?

I laid sprawled over my bed, one arm hanging over the side making the blood trail into my hand to join the razor, the other beside me on the bed, bent at the elbow across my stomach.  I would have to change my shirt before I went to dinner.  I arched my back and neck, and tilted my head to the left a little to see the clock.  Dinner was almost over.  Back to the regular agenda, dinner after dinner with Scott in the kitchen.  I was not sure if I looked forward to it or not, considering that he knew about the mall incident.  Who did not, but did he know about the boxers and glasses?

I walked down the hall towards the stairs.  Someone was behind me.  I turned around, and Bobby stopped walking.

"Did I scare you?" he asked.  I turned back around, and started walking.

"I didn't think you were the type to kiss some guy you just met," he stated, following me.

"You were right," I responded.

"Why'd you keep the note then?" he asked. "Were you going to call him?"  I did not answer him, and kept walking.  I did not need to justify anything to him.  I did not _owe_ him any responses.

"I decided to call him.  See if you made him up," he replied.  Why would I make him up, and then write myself a note?  Or maybe the correct excuse Bobby was looking for was, 'I don't have a life.'

"Why'd you take the note?" I asked.

"Why did you _have_ the note?" he asked angrily.  I rolled my eyes.  He followed me down the stairs.

"He's a mutant," he said.  I stopped walking.  What kind of a sick joke was this?

"I told him about the school," he finished.  I turned around.

"You're lying," I said.  He raised an eyebrow.

"Bad mistakes come back to haunt you," he replied.  I narrowed my eyes.

"What is it that you want?" I asked angrily. "What happened a year ago that made you feel like you needed to patronize me to get revenge?"

"Nothing," he answered.

"Nothing?" I asked angrily.

"Nothing," he repeated, looking my in the eye.  I turned back around and started walking again.  He did the same, stepping beside me instead of behind.

"Why don't you eat dinner with the rest of us?" he asked changing the topic.

"Why aren't you eating with the rest of them?" I asked, wanting him to stop following me.  He shrugged.

"Let me eat with you tonight," he said.  Eat with whom?  I looked at him to find he was watching me.

"I'm booked," I answered, looking away.

"I don't think Scott will mind," Bobby replied.

"Maybe he would," I responded.

"Maybe he wouldn't," Bobby answered.

"Yeah, I think he would," I retorted.

"Why?  You're not dating or anything.  I wouldn't be interrupting something," he stated, and then looked at me. "Right."

What would he do if we were?  Tell Scott to back off 'his bitch'?  Maybe I should just tell Bobby how I felt.

"Because I don't want to eat with you, and truthfully I don't really like you," I proclaimed.  He did not say anything, and I did not look at him.

"Maybe _Scott_ does…." He said gravely.  Was that supposed to be a joke?

"Maybe not," I retorted quietly.  Sorry to have to throw it in his face like that.  Oh wait, no I was not.

Before we entered the kitchen, he took my arm.  I pulled back.  Why was it that guys tried grabbing your attention by grabbing your arm?

"R-Marie, um, I, uh…." he started.  Was he trying to communicate with me?

"Sorry," he muttered almost inaudibly.  My eyes went wide.

"What did you just say?" I asked, a smile coming to my mouth.  I knew just how hard this must have been, and how much it must have hurt his ego, and I loved it.  He looked around to see if anybody was around first.

"Sorry," he mumbled again quickly.

"You're just saying that so I'll let you eat lunch with me," I replied.  He smiled.

"Well, if that was a yes," he walked ahead of me into the kitchen.

"That wasn't a yes," I called after him.  I sighed, and walked after him.

VII. Fondalation


	8. Johnny

A/N: X2 - 05.02.03 (yeah, I already mentioned that in the last chapter).  Rio, if you don't continue 'no place to call home', (insert ominous threat that will make you want to finish it).  Thanks Tatiana for your help.  Saw _Swimf@n_ yesterday (by the time this is posted, it'll be last week).  Movie was good, funny.  Audience sucked, a bunch of horny teenagers.  I hate teenagers, so ignorant.  Most of them make me ashamed to be one.

I didn't really like last chapter, but it was needed.  I added a scene from the original version of this story.  I reread this, and I realize my overly strong concern for grammar is holding me back (comma, happy).  This chapter is a lot shorter than what my chapters usually are, but hopefully Ryro lovers will like it.  I hope it isn't a too fast paced, but if it is that just shows how dedicated I am to finishing this story. ; )  I thought that the song (my fav) at the end of the chapter went well with this chapter, though this isn't a song fic chapter.

Saturday, 07 September 2002 – Wednesday, 11 September 2002 (Thursday, 12 September 2002)

VIII. Johnny

"Where'd you find him?" Scott asked inquisitively.  How could this actually be taking place?  This had to be something that came with being a guy, like ignorance.  I looked back and forth between them eyebrows furrowed, and disbelieving what I was witnessing.  Bobby turned to me.

"Actually, he found Rogue.  At the mall," he answered. "He had an eye for her… or a hand.  Yeah, and I'm not sure I'd trust him here with Rogue."

"Why is trust an issue?" Scott asked.  I had been sitting here watching and listening to Scott and Bobby talk about a new mutant that might be coming here.  A certain mutant named Ben.  _Bobby_ and _Scott _sitting in front of _me_, talking about _Ben_, and how he could be coming _here_.

"How old did you say he was?  Twenty-four?" Bobby asked me.

"Twenty-three," I almost whispered, still in shock that they were having a conversation about this.  A _conversation_ about _Ben_ coming _here_ going on between _Scott_ and _Bobby_.

"Not that much younger than you, Mr. Summers.  Maybe he could teach, but after the way he treated Rogue, how could we trust him with the rest of our young beautiful female students?" Bobby replied.  I rolled my eyes.  He still had not answered Scott's question.  'Then why would you tell him to come here?!' I screamed in my head to Bobby.

"How did he _treat_ Rogue?" Scott asked.  Bobby's eyebrows furrowed.  I could tell it was forced.

"You haven't heard?" he asked, knowing the answer.  He looked at me, raising his eyebrows.  I narrowed my eyes slightly.  This is where he made me sound like a slut… unless he was actually sorry.

"Basically he forced her into a kiss, and… touched her…." he said, adding a fake sigh, and shaking his head slowly.  I rolled my eyes at his overdramatic behavior; at least he had not been lying when he told me he was sorry.

"Kissed?  Her-your lips?" I nodded. "You-"

"Can control her powers.  Yes, somewhat," Bobby answered for me, sitting back in his chair, and stretching his back.  Scott looked at me questioningly.

"Yeah, she can control her powers.  Nice and everything, but he touched her…" Bobby said louder, "I mean he touched her breast.  How demeaning."

I almost laughed at his agitation over Ben's fondling.

"Are you okay?  Does the Professor know about this?  He didn't try to hurt you or force anything else on-?" he asked concerned.  I shook my head.

"I'm fine," I replied cutting him off.

"Why didn't you tell any of this to the professor or Jean?" Scott asked.

"She wouldn't listen," I replied.  Bobby and Scott were talking and acting… parental.

"Jean hates her and Tess," Bobby stated.  Scott raised an eyebrow.  Bobby nodded.

"She feels that Tess is a threat to her relationship-if you can call se… intimacy a relationship- with Logan, and Rogue is basically making her revenge for you void."

"Revenge?" Scott asked.

"Jean's a _very_ vengeful person.  Jealous, too.  I mean Ms. Grey," he answered.  Scott sat back in his chair, amused.

"I would have dumped her, too.  She's not my type.  She would have seriously been cramping my style.  The way she acts like she owns her boyfriend.  I mean sometimes she can be a crazy bitc-" Bobby stopped talking, and cleared his throat. "Crazy.  Sometimes she's… crazy."

He sat silently for a moment while Scott and I stared at him.  He looked back and forth between us.

"Enough about her…." He started. "I think we should talk to the professor about Ben.  What do you think, Rogue?"

"Well if you don't like him, I'll be greeting him with open arms," he looked at me, confused.  Scott just grinned.

"Have you not heard anything I've said?  He'd probably use you until he found someone waiting for him with open _legs_."

"You're so vulgar.  You-" I started.

"When did he say he was coming?" Scott asked, precluding an altercation.

"He didn't say.  He's bad news.  The way he thinks of Rogue… judging from the note he gave her, and the conversation I had with him…" Bobby paused, and slowly turned to me. "…Maybe you should leave."

My eyes went wide.  He wanted _me_ to leave?  I am sure I could handle whatever he had to say about Ben.  I doubt he could say anything worse that what he already had.  Scott did not look like he disagreed.  I opened my mouth to remonstrance, and then changed my mind.  Pushing my chair back, I went along with it, and stood up.  Where was I supposed to go?  I felt so stupid being sent out of the room, like a child when the adult's conversation got over G-rating.  I pushed my chair in, looking at them once more, before I walked out of the kitchen into the lounge.  Logan sat on the couch watching TV, but Jean was nowhere in site.  Maybe she had found that her birth control pills were missing.  I looked at the game room entrance, and started towards it.  I did not want to disturb Logan while he was watching TV.  John was visible through the entrance.  This could be the day I took up his offer on joining him in the game room.

"Not even going to say hi?" Logan asked, turning to look at me over his shoulder.  Surprised, I stopped dead in my tracks.  I did not think he even knew I was in here.  He motioned for me to come over and join him, not taking his eyes off me.  I wrapped my arms across my stomach as I slowly walked towards him feeling awkward.  I walked around the front of the couch, and sat down on the far side.  He raised an eyebrow curiously, and I moved closer to him, scooting towards the middle of the couch.

"Hi," I finally replied.  He looked pass me into the lounge.

"What's Bobby up to?" he asked.  I looked into the kitchen to see they were still talking.

"He's trying to launch an anti-Ben campaign," I answered, noticing that Scott did not look too blithe.  Whatever he had said had gained him a vote.

"You against that?" he asked.

"Why would he call Ben, and tell him to come here if he doesn't want him to?" I asked, "...and he asked me to leave."

"Ben's coming here?" Logan asked, his voice getting low, and his countenance turning to stone.  I shrugged.

"Maybe, I hope not," I answered, looking behind me into the game room trying to spot John again.  When I turned back, Logan was grinning.

"What?" I asked, suspecting some sort of mischief.  He turned back to the TV, still grinning.  I turned glanced over my shoulder again, but could not see John anymore.  I turned back to Logan.

"All I did was turn around to look," I stated, watching him.  I rolled my eyes, and sat back turning to face the TV, ignoring my urge to turn around again.  I glanced at Logan who turned and caught my eye.

"All I did was turn around," I repeated.  He did not try hard to stifle his laugh.  I narrowed my eyes, glaring at him, and turned back to the TV.

"What did he say about Ben?" Logan asked.

"Who?" I asked.

"John," he replied, grinning and knowing that I was pretending not to know.  Of course, I knew whom he meant.

"Not nearly as much as Bobby," I said answering his question, still staring at the TV.

"Maybe you should make your feelings clear," he advised.  I turned to him.

"I did.  I told him I didn't like him," I answered.  He looked confused.

"You lied to him?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, and then turned towards the TV. "If that's how you play it."

"I'm not playing anything.  I _don't_ like him," I retorted.  What would make him think I liked Bobby?

"And yet, you _'hang out' _with him," he stated.  And then it dawned on me he was talking about John.

"Oh… John," I replied. "I'll make my feelings _clear_ when I feel they need to be _cleared_."

Wait, what?  What did that mean?  He turned and stared at me blankly.  I shrugged, not having a clue what I had meant by that, and started to turn towards the TV.  Next thing I knew someone plopped down in between us, even though there was not enough space for someone to sit there.  I could not see who it was, considering her hair flew into my face.  I spit the hair out my mouth, coughing, and swatting it out my eyes and face.  As soon as I got a clear view, I could not help but scowl at her.  If I had had a handful of her hair at that moment I would have detached it from her arrogant head.

"Excuse me," she said, glaring at me.

"You're excused," I replied, standing up, disgusted that an adult would act like such a child.  She flipped her flaming red hair over her shoulder where my face would have been, and turned towards Logan smiling.  Logan opened his mouth to say something as I walked away.  I waved to him as I walked into the game room.  Bitch.  Now, it was officially four against one.

The students' feelings about the game room where about the same as a child's feelings for sugar.  They swarmed around the room like bees in a hive.  I had forgotten how crowded it could get.  Jubilee, Kitty and Tess were nowhere in sight.  Thankfully.  I weaved between the students in and out to the door trying my hardest not to touch anyone; it was a struggle to keep myself from running towards the exit.  Maybe today would not be the day I joined John in the game room.  Relief inundated me as I walked out and down the hall.

"Rogue," I stopped in front of the stairs, and turned to see John coming to me.

"Why aren't you in the kitchen eating?" he asked.

"Bobby and Scott are having a private conversation," I answered.  He sat on the third step; I joined him on the stairs sitting on the second.

"Scott and who?" he asked just as skeptically as I had felt before.

"Bobby," I repeated.  He raised an eyebrow.

"Why?" he asked resting his arms on his knees.

"Bobby's telling Scott about Ben, and how he shouldn't come here," I answered spiritlessly.

"He's coming here?" he asked gravely.  I did not bother to respond.  The noise from the game room floated down the hall.  I turned slowly sideways on my step, facing and looking at him.  He lifted his eyes, watching me.

What Logan had said only a couple of minutes ago echoed in my head.  'Maybe you should make your feelings clear.' I looked away.  What feelings?  How is it that he knew I had feelings, but I did not?  Maybe he could smell it.  Logan and his senses.

"I don't know if he's coming, but Bobby definitely called him, and told him to come here," I answered looking at the wall now, "and now he's talking to Scott about why he shouldn't come."

"Maybe he shouldn't," John said, in a testing tone.  I looked at him, to see he was still watching me.  His eyes… suggested no sign that his closest companion was fire.  I gazed into his eyes taking in their pattern.  How could I make my feelings clear if I did not know if he shared them?  I could not just read his face like Jubilee or Tess could have.

"Rogue?" he called.  I snapped back into reality, realizing that I had been staring… staring was an understatement.  I had been gawking at him.  I bit my bottom lip, ashamed.  I shrugged nonchalantly, not really caring about Ben at the moment.  His eyes dropped from mine to the step his feet rested on next to me, breaking our eye contact.  He looked a little angry, and with his jaw clenched the way it was, he reminded me a little of Scott before he had dumped the bitch.  I had obviously said or did something wrong.  It must have been the ogling… or was it the shrug.  Did he think I wanted Ben to come here?  My hand involuntarily moved towards his head to brush his hair out his face.  He looked up at me, his countenance showing he was stunned.  I stopped in mid-brush realizing what I was doing.  He caught my wrist before I could pull my arm back, and lightly tugged at it.  What did that mean?  He scooted over.  I took the hint, and tentatively moved up a step joining him.  My hand had taken the place of my wrist in his hand.  He raised it up, and delicately started to pull my glove off.

"John…." I said in an almost whisper.  I had no idea what I was going to say, or if I needed to say anything.  I bit the inside of my cheek not knowing if I should let him take the glove off.  It slid over my palm, then my knuckles and my fingers until my hand had been completely revealed.  He took my hand back into his intertwining our fingers.  I was in complete shock.  Was this his was of 'making his feelings clear'?  What was I supposed to do?  Say something or do something back?  I just watched him hoping that this meant what I thought it meant.  I relaxed feeling my hand in his.  John's touch was nothing like Ben's.  I was not in any kind of pain, and there was no aggressive control.  I heard something down the hall.  It was getting late, and some of the students might have been leaving the game room.  I do not know why I panicked because they were nowhere near, nor could they see us.  Capriciously, I felt morose, and had a fear that my actions might resemble Ben's.  Then I saw myself holding and talking to… me?  And then, I began to envision myself leaning forward and kissing… myself.  I realized that these were not some erratic feelings of mine; they were John's thoughts flooding into my head.  I had lost control, and was absorbing his feelings… or desires, and his life.  I hastily pulled my hand out of his, and stood up.

"Are you okay?" I asked quickly.  Shit.  He tried to stand up, but sat back down, and nodded.

"John?" I asked.  He rose to his feet slowly holding the stair bar for support, and grinned.

"Perfect.  I feel fine," he said, his words were slurred.  He stood there, and blinked a couple of times.  I reached down, and took my glove from his hand, slipping it back on.  There were not any more voices coming from the hall.  Damn, why had I not been concentrating on repressing my powers?

"John, you should sit back down for a second," I proclaimed.  He shook his head.

"No, I feel okay," he protested. "I'll walk you to your room."

I nodded indecisively.  He took my hand again, and pulled me upstairs as if I needed the assistance instead of him.

"I'm really sorry about that," I apologized, and tried to pull my hand away.  He ignored the attempt, and kept a steady grip on it.

"Don't be," he said, trudging up the stairs like a hiker up a mountain.  The aftershock of me draining his energy must have been strong.  He turned back and gave me a lopsided grin.  Was this what melting felt like?  I could not help but smile back, but I managed not to laugh when he almost fell over the last step from looking back.

He glanced back, and loosened his death-gripped on my hand, as we stepped away from the stairs.

"Rogue," he said slowly, as we walked down the hall, "Can I call you Marie?"

"Yeah," I answered smiling.  He grinned again this time with more control.

"You can call me John," he said, not realizing what he had said.  Hopefully.

"What about Johnny?" I asked jokingly.  He nodded a little too vigorously for comfort.

"You should get some sleep," I advised.  He shook his head.

"Not until I'm finished walking you to your room," he stated.

"That's fine," I replied. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just a little dazed," he replied.  His words were still slurred.  I tried to sort through his thoughts and mine as we walked down the hall towards my bedroom.  I felt like a trespasser, knowing now exactly how he felt about me.

"Wait," I called, "this is it."

He was walking pass my room.  I turned to press in the code, but he pulled me back.

"What-" I started.  He wrapped his arms around me, and buried his face in my hair.  I had no idea he would dare to get so close to me or wanted to after I had drained him.  My face lay pressed against his shoulder, and I could feel his breathe through my hair against my neck and collarbone.  Well this was obviously a good sign.  My arms were bent at the elbow against his chest.  I was unsure of what to do with them.  I slowly moved them down and wrapped them around his lower back, hugging him back, and let my eyes close.  I liked the way this felt, being in his arms.  He mumbled something I could not understand.

"What?" I asked quietly against his shoulder.

"You like me better than Ben, right?" he asked into my hair.  I laughed, and nodded.

"Yes," I answered.

"Good," he replied. "Cause I like you better than Ben."

"I think you should go get some sleep now," I stated, smiling to myself.

"Okay," he replied, not making any moves to release me.  I waited for him to let me go, and opened my eyes when he did not.  I could see some people coming up the stairs.  I sighed and pulled away from him.  He resisted me, holding me tighter, but then went with it, and released me from his arms.  As soon as he stepped away, I regretted asking him to.

"Bye Marie," he said.  He stepped back, and turned towards his room.

"Night," I said, letting my arms fall to the side, and then smiling added, "…Johnny."

VIII. Johnny

~Things I'll Never Say~ (one of my favorite songs)

I'm tugging at my hair; I'm pulling at my clothes

I'm trying to keep my cool; I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet; my cheeks are turning red

I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth this, yeah

If I could say what I wanna say

I'd say I want to blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I can say what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good; It's just a waste of time

What use is it to you what's on my mind?

If it ain't comin' out; we're not going anywhere

So why can't I just tell you that I care?

Cause I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it, yeah

If I could say what I wanna say

I'd say I want to blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I can say what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishin' my life away

With these things I'll never say

What's wrong with my tongue?

These words keep slipping away

I stutter I stumble

Like I've got nothing to say

Cause I'm feeling nervous

Tryin' to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it, yeah

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I wanna say

I'd say I want to blow you away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight?

If I can say what I wanna see

I wanna see you go down on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishin' my life away

With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never say


	9. Rejection

A/N: YES!!  I GOT AN A ON MY CHEMISRTY TEST!  No nc-17?  Or Real-people fics?  I am very disappointed in FF.NET.  This is the third time that I have completely written a chapter.  I thought the original(chapter) was getting way too OOC/P(I'm sure RYRO lovers would have liked it).  Still RYRO though!  YEAH!  Sorry, I'm feeling Avril today.  Anyway because of my last minute decision (today on 20 Sept 2002), this story is taking a completely different (like whoa. Lol.) route.  Still RYRO though!  YEAH!!  That's right, Rio!  Great chapter!

WARNING (to all the little kids who are the reason NC-17 is gone!): This chapter, though the longest and _bestest_ so far, is a little emotionally unstable (LIKE GENE FORRESTER), and has masochism (ma-so-kiz-em) so don't read it if your under 13.  Also, RYRO lovers will be disappointed with Rogue and a little with John for the next couple of chapters, but don't worry too much.

Friday, 20 September 2002 – Friday, 27  September 2002 

IX. Rejection

Last night's events and John's thoughts were still fresh on my mind.  John's lack of tentativeness when removing my glove to take my hand in his, and the moment when he had pulled me back to encase me in his arms, burring his face in my hair against my neck were both clear images in my head.  And from what I had received from his thoughts, I knew exactly how he felt about me.  That he obviously wanted to be more than friends, but did not want to scare me away by being too open because he was not sure about how I felt about him, or by acting like Ben.  I knew from his thoughts that he hated Ben, and did not want him to come any where near this school or me.  What did all this imply?  That we were dating?  In a relationship? I had not given him any reason to believe I felt any different.  I was not so sure though.  I liked him, but was I ready to jump into a relationship?  Things like these needed to take more time, right?  How was I supposed to tell him this?  I did not want to make him feel rejected.

I stepped out of my room, closing the door behind me.

"Hey," I turned around, startled, to see John standing there.  He flashed me a grin.  Thoughts of last night resurfaced.  I forced myself to not start staring at his beautiful face again.

"Were you waiting for me?" I asked.  He nodded.

"I figured that you'd agree that we should talk," he stated.  I nodded.  I stood still until he motioned for me to start walking along with him.  Talk.  I wondered what he had to say.  Maybe if I were not such a social recluse this would not be so hard.  I would know what to say, and when to say it.  I looked up at him as we treaded down the hall.  No sign of him being nervous or uncomfortable was visible from his countenance.  He looked relaxed.  Of course he did, this was not really a big deal to him at all.  Just talking.  Right… just talking.  He turned catching my eye.

"About last night," he started. "I know I might not have seemed… sober, but I was, and I don't regret anything that I did."

I turned away from him.  What the hell was I to say to that? 'Sorry, but I _do_ regret everything you did last night'?  Maybe what he said was not too blunt, but it was not too _complicated _to figure out what he meant.  And he would not have said it if he did not think I somehow shared the feelings mutually.  There was no way that our friendship would not be affected now.  I desperately wished now that I knew what I was doing.  How to say what I wanted to say with out getting any negative effects.

"Marie?" he asked, confused by my silence. "You feel the same way, right?"

I was a little taken aback by his calling me Marie, but after all I had told him he could.  Come on, Marie say something.…  What was I supposed to say!  I was supposed to be sure of what I was doing, was I not?  I looked up, but I could not look him in the eye, and looked back ahead of me down the hall.

"I don't _regret_ anything, but… I don't think I could be in a relationship right now," I answered.  That had not been as hard as I thought it would be.  It was not too harsh, nor was it confusing.  It was the truth, I think.  That was what I should have said, right?  He stopped walking and stared at me.  What was he thinking?  It was not too harsh, right?  It _could not_ have been too harsh.

"Are you joking?" he asked.  Joking?  Why would I joke about something like this?  I shook my head.  Why did he think I was joking?

"But yesterday you-you acted like you…." he stopped angrily.  Like salt on a cut.  Acted.

"I wasn't act-" I started.  I did not want him to think I was acting.  So what did I want him to think, that I was _using_ him?  He interrupted me.

"You just want to be friends, right?" he asked, the anger still in his voice.  I did not want him to be angry with me.

"N-Yes… I mean-" I started.  _Of_ _course_, I wanted to still be friends, but I did not want to… 'just be friends'.  Not in that sense anyway.  People were never friends after they said that.  Unless they wanted to count an awkward, uncomfortable relationship as a friendship.  

"You don't have to explain," he replied irately.  No, please do not take it the wrong way.  He looked at me for a second before he started walking again.  What was happening?

"John," I called.  He ignored me and continued walking.  I had a feeling that he did not want me to walk with him this time.  So I did not, I stayed where I was.  The feeling of numbness holding me down in my spot.  I had done the right thing, right?  I pictured John's face as he walked away.  It was the same angry look from last night.  The same clenched jaw and the same narrowed eyes.  I blinked away the wetness in my eyes.  Part of me wanted to retreat back to my room and hide.  To crawl back into the fucking hole I had crawled out of.  This was not how it was supposed to end.

When I walked into Jean's class- late- there was an empty seat next to John.  A little surprised, I took the seat next to him.  He glanced at me, but did not say anything.  Like I was a stranger or just another student sitting next to him.  It felt like I had just received a hard blow to the stomach.  Is this how he had felt?  This could not be happening.  What did this mean?  Okay, I would happily take 'just being friends' over this.

  "John?" I asked.  He looked me in the eye.  It was not the same though.  He eyes were cold and hard.  There was no warmth, just indifference.  I could not speak for a second; I was so surprised at his apathetic expression.  He seemed like a completely different person… that wanted nothing to do with me.  Who could _find_ better things to do than listen to me.

"I didn't mean to- last night- to… lead you on," I apologized pathetically.  Lead him on?  That was what I had done, but I had not meant to.  I hope I had gotten that across to him because I _really_ had not meant to.  He had to understand where I was coming from.  I was not ready to be in a relationship yet, and if I had told him that I was, I would have been lying.  Please, say something, I thought desperately.

"Okay," he said and turned away from me.  I do not know which hurt worse.  His aloofness, or the fact that it was real.  That he actually _did not_ want anything to do with me.  I looked down at my things.  It was hell getting through that class, and afterwards Jean told Tess and me to stay after.  There was only one reason she could want us to stay.  It was time for our punishment.  I wondered what she had in mind.  Something most likely inhumane, pitiless, odious, malevolent, bellicose, spiteful, vindictive and cruel.  Tess kissed Sam goodbye, and took a seat next to me.  She turned and smiled.

"We're dating," she explained, smiling ear to ear.  I nodded, and pasted on a contrived smile.  They must have gotten together last night at dinner. Well at least Tess knew exactly how she felt about a relationship with Sam.  That was more than what I could say about myself and about a relationship with John.  Jean came to us, and stood in front of the table.  She just stood there, and sort of stared at us.  What was she trying to do, make us twitch?  I cleared my throat.

"Hi… could you speed this up.  I don't want to be late," Tess said.  Jean furrowed her eyebrows, annoyed, and flipped her hair over her shoulder as if she had better things to do than talk to two girls that proved to be constant nuisances to her.  What was her motivation?  Why was she so arrogant?  She was beautiful and she knew it, and she would flaunt it anyway and everyway she could to anyone and everyone.

"I have some work for you to do," she started. "Go to the library storage room.  There are about 500 new books that need to be put on the shelves.  I'll give you two weeks."

She turned her back to us, walking away to her desk.  To my surprise Tess kept silent.  No remonstrance came from her mouth.  Was she okay?  Was there something wrong with her?  She just sat there quietly looking at Jean.  She looked pale though.  Five hundred books.  Had I even _read_ five hundred books?  Inhumane, pitiless, odious, malevolent, bellicose, spiteful, vindictive and cruel.

"_How_ many books?" Tess asked me as we walked slowly to Scott's class.  Neither of us quite believing what Jean had just said.  I would willingly trade the trip to the mall in for freedom from Jean and her evil wrath.  More than evil.  I had a feeling this was just the beginning of her vindictive punishments.

"Five hundred," I answered.  Should not I be able to plea on 'I had no choice, she forced me'?  Not that it would matter.  Not with Jean.  Scott and Jean had switched hours for some weird reason.  So we had Jean's class first now.  We walked into Scott's class- late- and she took her seat next to Sam.  John was sitting next to Bobby.  I was on my own.  I sat down in the back of the class, alone.  It was not so bad.  Reminded me of how things were before Scott had ever broken up with Jean, and Logan and Tess had never come.  The odd familiarity was welcoming.  It was a good thing too, because I would have to get reacquainted with it anyway.

I stayed after class, watching everybody walk out, and paying special attention to John, who did not even glance at me as he left talking to Bobby.  Jubilee and Kitty followed Tess and Sam out the room.  Why did I feel like ephemeral entertainment again?  That feeling that I had become the forgotten Project Hope again?

"Rogue?" Scott called.  I looked up feeling more futile and pathetic than I had ever felt before.  He was sitting back in his chair at his desk.

"Something wrong?" he asked, concerned.  I shook my head, standing up and picking up my things, and walking toward the door.

"See you tonight?" he asked.  I stopped at the door.  Tonight.  Dinner.  Yeah, dinner with Scott.  Something to look forward to.  I nodded, and walked out the classroom.

"This is going to be so boring," Tess said, as we brought the books out of the storage room to be stacked.  We took ten books each at a time.  Of course, this was going to be boring.  We were going to be shelving five hundred books.  I nodded.

"Is there something wrong, Rogue?" Tess asked.  I shook my head.

"Yeah, let's get this over with," she said.

I sighed and rolled over onto my back in my bed.  Tess and I had stacked away a hundred books.  We expected to be done by next Wednesday.  She was away with Kitty, Jubilee and Sam, any maybe Bobby and John, while I was in our room drowning myself in self-pity, and waiting for dinner to start so I could leave this pool of wretchedness for some fresh air and food.  I guess I was in shock from being dropped so quickly, but I had complete faith that I would get over it.  I had already used my razor, and while it had not been a complete failure, it had not finished the job, and that was not good enough.  I could still feel the traces of moroseness and futility and guilt.  So I gave it another round, cutting deeper this time, but not just cutting my arms, which I could not see any longer under the blood.  I experimented on my legs, my stomach... anywhere my anger led me.  And it helped.  I could feel myself getting closer to where I wanted to be.

I rolled out of bed, and walked into the bathroom leaving my bloody razor on the bloody sheets.  I reached into the shower, and turned it on, then discarded my clothes leaving my underwear on, and stepped into the shower.  I really did not have any energy to do anything else except sink to my knees, but even that was too strenuous, so I sat down.  I could not do cry or anything.  Just think as the close to scalding water streamed over me.  I stared at the drain as the diluted blood whirled around and finally down it.  It felt like I was discarding more than just dried blood.  Maybe this fake act I had been putting on.  I did not even know if it was an act.  I could not tell.  Sad, but I did not know _myself_.  I stretched out laying down on the bathtub floor feeling tired and hoping it would help me relax.  It was mostly from the loss of blood, but I dozed off in the shower.  A peaceful dream of void and nothing.  A scream woke me from my sleep.  A loud, _deafening_ scream.  What the hell was Kitty doing here, I thought.  I moaned and got onto my knees and hands.  My muscles felt like they would give out in any second, but they had, after all, been _cut_ into.  Thankfully I was taking a shower and not a bath, because the water had still been running while I was asleep.  Though I would have woken up anyway if I were drowning.  The once hot, now freezing water flowed over my body, around and in my cuts and down my scars.  Most of the cuts were healing, but some, the deeper ones, were still bleeding a little.

"OH MY GOD!  ROGUE!  WHERE ARE YOU?!" Tess screamed.  Shit, the sheets.  The razor.  I had obviously taken a _very_ long shower.  She banged on the bathroom door.

"What?" I asked.  Stupid thing to ask, but I had lost a lot of blood, even though the sleep had restored most of my energy.  I turned the shower off, and stood up using the handles as support.  I stepped out of the shower slowly and grabbed a towel.

"ROGUE?!  Are you okay?  There's blood everywhere!" she screamed.  I nodded, and then remembered she could not see me.  I wish she would stop screaming.

"I'm fine," I lied.  I felt like shit, but it did not matter because I was used to the feeling being that I was.  I wrapped the towel around my body.

"Rogue, come out of the bathroom," Tess demanded.  If I put my clothes back on, she would see the blood on them, but if I walked out like this, she would see almost every incision.

"I'm not dressed," I said, walking to the door.  The water, some mixed with blood, falling off my body was absorbed by the rug in streams and drops.

"I don't care.  I'll close my eyes, just come out," she pleaded.  Well, at least she cared, but that would not be happening.

"Bring me some clothes, please," I mumbled, leaning against the door now for support.

"Okay... Here," I open the door and almost stuck my arm out, then remembered that if she saw my arm that would defeat the purpose of my even refusing to come out.  She handed me the clothes through the opening.

"Thanks," I said, taking the clothes from her hand, and closing the door.  I put the pants on the bathroom counter.  My underwear was still wet, but I did not care at the moment.  I slipped the shirt over my head, and then pulled the pants on.  The material of each scraping and rubbing against my cuts.  But pain is what being a masochist is about, I thought bitterly.  I picked up my discarded clothes, and threw them into the dirty clothes hamper where they would not give Tess a heart attack, then opened the door and stepped out.

"Are you okay?" Tess yelled, taking me by the shoulders. "Where's that blood from?  Are you on your period?  That's a lot of blood though."

I shook her hands off, and walked over to the bed.  The razor was laying on the sheets, barely visibly among the crimson.  She obviously had not seen it, thankfully.  I picked it up, encasing it in my hand, then slipping it in my pocket.

"Um… sure," I lied.  That _was_ a lot of blood.  Too much to blame on my period, but the excuse would do.  I pulled the sheets off my bed, and threw them on the floor in a pile.  The blood was dry, no need to worry about the carpet.  Tess stared anxiously at the pile.  Had she never seen blood before?

"Are you okay?" she asked.  Maybe I should ask her the same.  I nodded and glanced at the clock.  Time for dinner.  I was tired.  I needed more sleep, but I probably would not wake up in time for dinner with Scott if I went to sleep now.

"Are you going downstairs?" I asked.  She nodded.

"I'll walk you," I proposed.

"Okay.  I didn't want to leave you up here anyway," she replied.  Afraid I would be attacked by the dried-up blood?

"I hope I don't get in trouble 'cause I think the water bill is going to be high," I said.

"Did something happen between you and John?  You didn't sit by him after Jean's class.  It didn't seem weird until he didn't talk to you at all after that," Tess asked as we walked down the hall.  I shrugged.  I really did not want to talk about what had happened between John and me at all.  Maybe forget it and get over it.  Because I do not think John would be forgiving me anytime soon.

"If you don't want to tell me, I'll get Jubilee to pry it out of Bobby, who'll pry it out of John," she threatened.  I rolled my eyes.  Was I supposed to feel intimidated?  Because I was not.

Tess left me in the kitchen on her way to the dining room.  I laid my head down on my folded arms on the kitchen table knowing I would fall asleep at any moment.  I did not care though.  Scott could wake me up when he got here.  After all, I told him I would be here, and I was.  When I was woken up, dinner was over, but it was not Scott who woke me up.

"Rogue.  Look, you gotta go see Jean," Tess called.  I lifted my head up to see her standing there.  I rubbed my eyes.

"Why?" I asked.  I sat back in my chair, still looking at her.  She looked terrified, mortified, petrified… stupefied by _me_… I looked at the table.  Okay not by _me_.  She was looking at the crimson puddle on the table.  It did not feel like I was bleeding… _that_ much.

"Shit," I mumbled. "Look, it's nothing, so don't worry."

"Don't worry!  You're FUCKING BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!" she screamed.  I stood up and walked to the counter to get some paper towels and wetting some of them.  Jubilee and Kitty walked in as I was cleaning the table.

"I _said_ I'm fine," I told her angrily.  I walked to the trashcan, and threw the napkins away.

"Are you fighting?" Kitty asked wide-eyed.

"Lemme alone," I mumbled, sitting back down.  I looked at my arms.  I could not do any thing about my sleeves.  You could barely see the blood anyway. 

"I am not going anywhere!  I don't know what the hell happened in that room, but YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY HURT!" she screamed.  Hurt?  I was not hurt, and I was not in any pain, and if I had been it would have been what I was after anyway.

"Thanks for caring, but I'm _fine_," I replied, getting very annoyed and incensed.  Incensed by her _concern_ for me?  What the hell was wrong with me?

"What happened in what room?" Jubilee asked curiously.

"I will _drag_ you down to the lab!  I know Jean is not a very likable person, but-!" she started.  She sounded like a parent.

"Leave me alone," I interrupted, not really yelling, but getting my point across.  Rude, yes, but I did not care.  I wanted- needed- her to leave me alone.

"You know you're being pretty loud," Bobby said, walking in.  The way he looked at me told me that he knew every thing.  Of course, he was obviously the best friend of John.  He sort of glared at me.  One of those 'if thoughts could kill' looks.  He was not alone.  John walked in behind him.  He looked at me, I looked at him.  He did not look so angry, his expression was no longer irate, probably because I had not been around all afternoon.  I turned back to Tess.

"I'll go later," I told her quietly, negotiating.  Or never.  She hesitated before nodding.

"Bye," I said and laid my head back down on my arms; I could maybe get another ten minutes in before Scott came.  I heard someone, most likely her, start walking, and the rest of them shuffling out after her.  I closed my eyes, not really sleeping, but thinking of John.  Was he still angry with me?  How much did he hate me?

"Rogue?" I looked up.  Finally, the right person had made it to the kitchen.  There was Scott.  He sat down across from me at the table.  

"Hi," I greeted, sitting up.  I swallowed and hoped I would not start bleeding again.  How many people had to think 'I hope I don't start bleeding again'?  Hopefully my skin and sleeves would hold out long enough to get me through dinner.

"Scott?  Can I call you Scott?  Outside of class," I asked.  Of course, calling him that in class would not be a good idea, nor would it launch any good rumors.  He looked confused.

"Isn't that what you usually call me?" he asked.  I thought about when I had ever called him Scott when he was around … 'Don't worry Jean, Scott's not using me for revenge sex.'

"Yeah," I answered.  Just needed permission.  I put my elbows on the table, not caring if it was rude or not, and rested my head in my hands. 

"Tired?" he asked.  He had no _idea_ how tired I was.  I had to shoo Tess and her friends away, and I had been steadily losing blood for who knows how long.  I nodded.

"Are you okay?  Did something happen?" he asked casually.  Yeah, a little something.  A little mistake, and my version of getting over it.  Too bad, it took so much out of me.  No pun intended.  I stared at the table, trying to keep my eyes open.

"A little vigorous activity," I mumbled.  'Vigorous activity'?

"What?" he asked.  I would have explained if I myself had understood what I meant, but I had no clue to what I was referring to.  I shrugged at my incoherence.

"I was confused," I uttered.  I gave up on keeping my eyes open, and closed them.  Now all I had to worry about was my arms giving out below me.

"About?" he asked.  What about what?

"Yes," I answered.  I think I was falling asleep.  Right in the middle of our conversation.  If you could call his asking questions and my senseless ramblings a conversation.  Maybe I should have opened my eyes.  He did not say anything for couple of seconds.  Had he fallen asleep to?  I would check later.

"Rogue, do you need me to walk you to your room?" he asked finally, breaking the silence that I had almost fallen asleep to.  My room?  What was wrong with my room?

"Why would she need you to walk her to her room?" I heard Logan ask.  I opened my eyes and turned around, looking at him.  His eyes were narrowed slightly.  I wanted to tell him that Scott had not meant it in a perverse way.  Most likely he knew that and did not care.

"She needs some sleep," he stated.

"Maybe you're just boring her," Logan proposed, as he proceeded to the refrigerator.  Was that necessary?  Were they always going at the male preeminence thing?  Neither of them owned me, though they were acting otherwise.

"You're not boring," I mumbled, facing Scott.  Logan turned around.  I thought at first it was because I had backed Scott, but it must have been the way I sounded.

"You been drinking?" he asked me.  I shook my head.  I looked at Scott.  Is that what he had been thinking, also, earlier during that silence?  They were both watching me now.  I did not drink, and they knew that.  I lowered my arms, crossing them on top of the table.  I stared at Logan for a good five seconds before turning to Scott to do the same, and then Logan again.  A strange thought crossed my mind.

"Are you two related?" I asked.  For some reason when I had looked back and forth the images of their faces had blurred together in my head.  They looked at each other- freaked out, confused, skeptical or disgusted, I could not tell.  Then Logan placed his beer on the counter, and treaded over to me.  Where was he going?  What was he doing?  What did I do wrong?  He walked behind my chair, out of my sight.  I looked to my left and right.  Damn, he could not have just evanesced into thin air.

"Logan?  Where-?" my chair was pulled back from behind me.  Logan grabbed my arm before I lost my balance and fell out the chair on the floor- where I most likely would have landed on my face-, and pulled me up onto my legs.

"There you are," I stated, now looking at him.  He hauled me out the kitchen towards the lounge.  Where were we going?  Could this wait?  I had to say bye to Scott if we were not coming back.  We had not even finished our conversation.  Maybe tomorrow.  I turned and waved to Scott as we left the kitchen.  I wondered what Logan wanted.

"What did you take?" he asked, angrily, pulling me in front of him as we stood in the middle of the lounge.  I looked around me and behind him.  I did not see Jean.  Why was she not with him?

"Where's Jean?" I asked.  He must have thought I was being caustic because he narrowed his eyes.  All I wanted to know was where Jean was?  I stepped back, but he stepped forward.

"Take what?" I asked, changing the subject.  Why was he angry?  What did I take?  I did not remember ever taking anything.  What did he want me to take?  _Why_ did he want me to take it?  Maybe it was important.

"Rogue, what did you drink?  You're not on… drugs?" he asked.  I did not remember drinking anything.  Was I supposed to drink something?  What if I was supposed to drink something, and I had forgotten, and died because I forgot?  Did he say drugs?  Where would _I_ get drugs?  Me?  On drugs?  Ha, ha…. What if I needed these drugs?  Did he mean medicine?  What if it was the medicine and not the drink I needed to stay alive?  This was getting too complicated, and I was getting dizzy.

"I don't have any.  Do you have some I could borrow?" I asked panicking. "… Are you sniffing me again?"

He had stopped listening to me, and he had that look on his face.  The look that one got when one realized something.  What had he realized?

"Did you cut yourself?  Were you bleeding?" he asked.  My eyes went wide.  How the hell did he know?  I was not bleeding again, was I?  I did not feel my self bleeding.  I could not check while he was standing right here in front of me.  Had he smelt it?  How much blood could he smell on me?  I should have bandaged my cuts, but then I would be walking around in a body cast.  Maybe I should lay off on the full coverage cutting for a while.  I shook my head quickly, and then answered with an contradicting excuse.

"Paper cut," I said quickly, still shaking my head.  He narrowed his eyes and raised an eyebrow.  Did he not believe me?  Please do not be able to smell my fear or panic.  _Please, Please_.  Instinct is something one should be able to trust, something you're born with, so I followed mine.  I fled, or tried to.  Did not get very far.  Logan caught my wrist even before I had even gained enough momentum to completely turn around.  I had gotten maybe an inch away from him.  Not only had it been a bad idea because it would launch more suspicion from him, but moving quickly in general after I had lost so much blood had not made me feel any better.  I felt light headed and faint.

"Did Scott give you anything to drink?" I shook my head.  Why would Scott give me something to drink?  I was fully capable of getting my on drinks with out Scott or anyone's help.

"Could you let go of my arm, Logan?" I asked politely.  He still had my wrist in his hand.  If he held it any tighter, I would start bleeding.  Again.  Would this take the same turn as our meeting in the hall last week had?  I did not have the patience, attention span or energy for another meeting like that.  He ignored my plea, and kept his grip on my wrist.

"I'm just really tired," I said.  No way I could be so tired without a cause, but he could not smell lies, could he?  Come on Logan, respond…. 

"I need to go tell Scott I need him to walk me to my room," I proclaimed, when he did not move or let me go.  I started to turn as if I were going back to the kitchen.

"I'll take you," he said abruptly.  Oh so smooth.  I knew mentioning Scott would take the attention off me, and it did.  He hauled me along after him through the lounge and into the game room.

"Can't we take the other way?  Through the kitchen," I asked.  He did not answer, instead he just kept pulling me along through the students.  So many students.  I stared at his back to keep from making any unnecessary eye contact with some certain people I did not want to see.  But ignorance would tell you that you do not need to see someone for him or her to see you.

"Rogue," Tess called.  She ran to catch up with Logan and me.  What did she want?  I was not going to argue with her again about some blood.  I did not have the energy or attention span for that either.  Nor would I ever.

"Logan, wait," she said.  He stopped walking and turned around to look at Tess, who had caught up with us now.

"She in trouble?" Tess asked inquisitively.  He gave a curt shake of his head.

"She needs help getting to her room," he said.  I thought it sounded a bit caustic.  Why was he angry?  Maybe it was Scott.  No matter how many times I told him he would never believe that Scott and I were only friends….  Oh my goodness… everything slowly dawned on me.  I think understood why he was angry.  He had even asked about it.  'Did Scott give you anything to drink?' 

"I need to talk to her really quickly," she said.  He looked hesitant, but let go of my wrist.

"_Alone_.  You know like in _private_," Tess said, when he stayed in his spot standing next to us.  He raised an eyebrow.

"Go wait by the entrance.  I'll send her over there when I'm done," Tess said.  She did not wait for him to move, but pulled me along farther from him.  I did not need to be sent.

"Tess, Logan thinks Scott-" I said quickly.

"Rogue, I know about John-," she started to say at the same exact moment.  We both stopped and did not say anything for a moment.  I decided to go first.

"He thinks that Scott drugged me cause he thinks I'm acting weird or something.  When he walked in Scott asked me if I wanted to go to my room, cause he thought I needed help getting to my room, but Logan did not know that, and now he thinks Scott _is_ using me for revenge sex," I said quickly, making a record of about five seconds, "I think."

"Maybe he did because you sure are _acting_ drugged," she replied.  How could she say that about Scott?  How could anyone?  How could that even be a thought to anyone or her?  He would never do that?  He would never do something so _pathetic_.  I could not believe her.  After all her all her nonsense about my being lucky for having Scott, she went and accused him of doing something so abysmal.  I could have punched her, or slapped her.

But instead I blacked out.

Not for long though.  Maybe it was the blow to my head from it slamming against the floor or maybe it was Tess's strident, piercing scream that opened my eyes.  I tried to get up quickly, but that caused too much pain, and I fell back onto my back.  I put my hands on my head, and tried again slower this time.  A headache would not help me in my condition.  The whole time Tess was panicking.  I would not want her around in an emergency.  She was causing such a fucking scene.  Just what I _did_ _not_ need, more attention drawn to me when I could start bleeding again at any time.  I rose onto my knees leisurely, and tried to stand up.  

"Logan!" she screamed.  I grabbed the side of my throbbing head, covering my ears desperately, and dropped back to my knees.

"Stop screaming," I yelled, which only caused me more pain from hearing my own loud command.  It did not take Logan that long to get here.  The crowd parted for him as always.  He hastily pulled me to my feet.  I could have screamed at him if I had not been so busy suffering from the pain of the motion.  Did you yank someone to their feet after they had undergone a spinal injury or a broken neck?!  Was I dying?  Was this what dying felt like?  I kept my arms clamped on the side of my head wanting the pain to go away.

"Marie," he called, holding onto my arms near my shoulders.  I could not answer.  They could not find out.  I could not let them.  Not now, not ever.  They would make me stop.  All of them.  They would say they knew what was good for me.  Shit, they did not know anything about me!  They would not understand that I was _not_ trying to commit suicide.  That it helped me more than they ever could.  They would _not_ understand.  They would reject me even worse then they did now.  These freaks would treat me like a freak.  They would pity me.  I did not want their FUCKING PITY!  I wanted to be left alone.  Could not I do something with out worrying about what other people felt about it!  They did not know shit.  I did not want their rejection.  Their pity.  They would try to take what was mine away from me.  I fought hard against the tears, using my eyelids as bulwarks.

"Marie," Logan called again, louder this time.  I could feel the tears escaping.  Why could I not stop them?!  Why were they yelling so loudly?  Tess called my name.  Someone asked if I was okay.  John, I think.  I could not think over the pain.  I clench the side of my head harder.  I did not want to hear their screams.

"Please, stop," I whispered inaudibly.  Logan heard.  He has great hearing, and he heard me.  He told them to stop yelling, and they listened.

"I promise he didn't do anything.  I'm just tired," I told Logan.  He let out a low growl. Did not he believe me?  He had to believe me.  Why would I lie to him?

"I'm not trying to cover for Scott.  He didn't do anything.  I would have known.  I can get my own drinks.  I haven't eaten or drank anything anyway.  Logan, I'm not lying," I repeated.  The pain was subsiding but my head still hurt.  I could not let go of my ears, or open my eyes, even as the tears spilled out silently.  The best I could do was not sob.

"I promise.  I didn't take anything.  I didn't drink anything.  I'm not on drugs or medicine," I mumbled quietly.  He told everyone to go back to what they were doing.

"Rogue," Tess called quietly. "What's going on?"

"I'm just tired.  I haven't eaten anything all day," I answered.  Saved by the truth.  I truly had not eaten much today.  I had skipped breakfast after talking to John, had not gotten around to lunch, and could not make it through dinner.  It was a decent excuse, and they had to believe it because it was true.  Logan let go of my arms, but he did not move.  I opened my eyes.  He looked angry.  I did not know with whom.  Was he angry with me or Scott or no one in general?  Why did not he believe me?  What was he thinking?  I lowered my hands from my head, and wiped the tears away.

"Sorry," I apologized.  I realized that he had accepted my excuse, and there was nothing to cry about.  I remembered my razor in my pocket.  They were not taking anything away.  I took the chance to walk away, and neither of them tried to stop me.  I do not think either of them had seen me in such a phase, or anyone here in that case.  I felt for my razor as I walked through the crowd.  They parted for me, and that was fine, except they could not keep their probing eyes off me.  I saw John.  He looked confused and concerned.  I turned away and tried to ignore everyone, but it was impossible.  How could I ignore a whole room full of people.  I did not need this.  I did not _want_ this.  I did not need nor want their fucking pity _or_ rejection.

IV. Rejection


	10. Censures

About the characters:  Tess has never heard of cutting.  The thought has never passes through her mind, so she's a little ignorant about Rogue's problem.  I'd like to think that I made it seem like the stick was removed from Scott's ass when he dumped Jean.  I don't really hate Jean, but she makes a good bitch.  Logan- I sort to want to stick to the non- Logan/Marie for _this_ story, same for the Scogue and Bobby/Marie.  I love all those pairings, it's just I want to write a Ryro right now.  I mean it was practically love at first sight in the book.  Look, here are two quotes- "Rogue smiled at another boy who sat in front of her.  His name was John.  He was the cutest boy she had seen in a long, long time."; "John glanced back and smile at Rogue.  Right then and there, she knew she was really going to like this place."  ::sighs::.  I can't even think of future stories, I'm so tied up on this one.  This is the farthest I've ever gotten into a story.  Wow.  It's scary.  I'm scared.  P.s. This falls under no category, but where have all the good X-Men: movie stories gone?  No one is updating all at the same time.

A/N: I'd like to announce that I have washed my mouth out with soap (not the whole bar though).  The last chapter sucked all the creativity out of my body, which is why this one took me so long (fourth rewrite).  Thank you **Bobbie** for your ideas (they rock, I _will_ use them), and for making what could have been a two-week wait a one and a half (such a big gap) week wait.  Thanks **Tatiana** for your everlasting help.  Lol and thanks **Randi** for taking the time to review AND ADDING ME TO YOUR FAVS!  Uh huh and thanks **ilovetidus** (finish your story, or start a new one _please_).  Thanks **rogue-x-men** (waiting for an update on Leaving).  Thank you **Lucky439** for _always_ reviewing.  And lastly, **saskia** (even though you don't like RYRO) thanks for your input (don't diss her for having an opinion and showing it). 

(Saturday, 28 September 2002) 06 October 2002 – Wednesday, 09 October 20002 

X. Censures

I made sure to carefully bandage my deeper cuts to prevent anymore spontaneously leaking, which meant that I would not be able to use the razor for a while.  That would not be a problem considering how close I had come last night to being caught.  I just hoped I would not be faced with something incredibly distressful any time soon.  I had no idea what I would do not if I was unable to turn to my razor.  Seriously, seeing as how I had freaked out last night over nothing, I think I would not hesitate to lock myself in the bathroom, rip the bandages off, and have a session in the shower until Tess found a way to force me out.  It would not be the best idea.  That was obvious, now that Tess, Logan and Scott would probably start paying more attention, and that was definitely something I did not need more of.

I was well wrapped today in clothes.  Something nobody would notice as unusual, hopefully.  I wondered when- cause I new it would come- I would have to talk to Logan about last night, or even Scott and Tess.  I had completely avoided my roommate last night and this morning.  It had not been as hard last night as it had been this morning.  I had dropped dead on my bed, and immediately fallen asleep, probably in mid air, but this morning she took her time getting ready and leaving.  I had had to pretend to sleep as she took forty pain-staking minutes to get ready for classes.  I wondered how long her death scene would take.  I know she had taken her time on purpose though, so she could talk to me.  A version of talking that would basically only consist of inquiring questions.  Finally, she had left and I could change out of these clothes and take a shower.

And be late to Scott's class.  Not one second, one minute or even five minutes late.  Because she had taken so long- and I am sure she had barely made it by the bell-, I was twenty minutes late.  Yeah, way to keep a low profile after last night.  Of course, these entertainment-deprived children had nothing better to do than stare.  More than usual (last night's episode obviously playing its role), nothing more than I expected.  I ignored it, as I had learned to do after the night I had fatally touched Logan, for the first ten minutes.

"Rogue?" Scott called.

"I overslept," I answered, turning to look at Tess who quickly turned around, most likely from guilt.  I looked at Scott, who had not said anything.  He obviously needed a better explanation.

"I was tired last night," I continued.  Not only did that work, it turned a couple of heads.  He looked at me for a second before nodding slowly.  Strange, could he have thought that I was evasively accusing him of having drugged me last night?  I bit my bottom lip.  Maybe I should stay after class and talk to him.  It was indubitable that Logan had talked to him.  I looked around the classroom, and those first ten minutes had just about passed.  Maybe they needed a couple of lessons in self-control, but one would think that these students, as mutants, would be the people who knew how it felt to be stared at.  How irritable it was, and how irate it made one feel.  I started back at them, narrowing my eyes at some.  I managed to freak some of them out, making them turn around.  If coming off as a bitch was what I had to do then a bitch I would be.  Someone whispered my name.  I turned toward them.

"Here," a student to the right in front of me handed me a note.  I took the note from him.  My name was written on the cover in the feminine script I knew as Tess's.  I hesitated to open it.  Had she written her interview out?  I looked up at her.  She was turned around looking at me.  She raised her eyebrows in anticipation for me to open it.  I let out a tired sign and went back to the note.  Another piece of paper fell out onto my desk.  I left it there and continued with the first one.  The first part of the note consisted of a two-sentence apology for not waking me up (she did not think I was going to be so late).  Then there was a paragraph about her being worried about my bleeding, and my passing out.  Blah.  Blah.  I skimmed over it.

'_Jubilee asked Bobby about John and I know about everything.  What I don't know is why you turned him down!  I would be so mad at you if you hadn't of passed out yesterday.  Maybe that affected your judgment or whatever.  I really thought you liked John.  I even wrote a note (look at it).  I forgot to give it to you before.  Look, here's a warning.  I think Bobby's mad or something.  I don't know why exactly.   Stay away from him for a while._

_~Tess_

_P.S. Who WILL Sam and I double date with now?? Huh? Huh?'_

I rolled my eyes.  I hope I had not traumatically changed her life with her not being able to double date.  I folded the note back up, and picked up the second one, the one she had previously forgotten to give to me, and opened it.  I stared at what was written.  Okay maybe she had really had high hopes about John and I being to together, but this… this was disturbing.

'_St. John & Marie Allerdyce.  Mrs. Marie Allerdyce.  Mrs. John Allerdyce.  Mrs. St. John Allerdyce.  John and Marie Allerdyce.  Pyro and Rogue.  St. Marie Allerdyce.  John and Marie.'_

I could not believe she had wasted her time writing this.  There was a whole page of this.  The entire page was full of… _it_.  And how had she assumed that John and I would be getting married?  I placed the paper face down on the desk.  I would not be surprised if she had one titled Mrs. Tess Guthrie.  I wondered if she had planned the wedding or decided our children's names, also.  I looked up at Tess, who had turned around already.  I really wished she had not given me this note.  The notes crushed under the pressure in my hand.

I turned to look at John.  He and Bobby were talking.  I noticed that they were color coordinated today in a red and ice blue shirt.  It looked like an intense conversation.  I watched as John repeatedly shook his head in disagreement to whatever Bobby was telling or asking him.  Whatever it was, Bobby was not giving up.  He turned around and glanced at me.  When he saw I was looking, his glance turned into a glare.  He turned back to John.  What did that mean?  Had they been talking about me?  Bobby said something else and John looked at me and then back at Bobby and replied.  When John and I had talked yesterday, I had not expected this type of reaction.  I had not expected him to be completely blithe about it, but I did not have being shunned in mind.

I watched as the students filed out of the room, which discouraged them from watching me.  After they had all left, I picked up my things and walked to Scott's desk.  I stood in front of him for a second thinking of what I needed to say.  He looked up from his desk.  Damn glasses, I could not tell what he was thinking.

"Yesterday… sorry about last night and whatever Logan might have said to you," I proclaimed.  He sat up in his chair.

"I don't know why he would accuse you of doing something like that- if he did," I said.

"It's okay, and you don't need to apologize for him.  You shouldn't," Scott answered.  I stared at the crumbled paper in my hand, and nodded.

"What was wrong last night?" he asked.

"I hadn't eaten all day," I answered, looking up.

"And you passed out?" he questioned.  I stared at him blankly?  He did not buy my excuse?  He had to.  I did not have another.

"Rogue?" he called.  I blinked.  Why could he not have just said: 'Bye.  Have a nice day!'?  Then again, I had been the one who came up here and made myself susceptible to questions.  

"… Yes?" I responded.

"What happened?" he asked.  I tried to think of something to say as quickly as I could.  I had not expected this at all.  Why could he not be as naïve as everyone else in this school?

The bell for the next class rang.  Saved by the bell.  I shrugged.

"I don't really know why I passed out," I lied.  I said goodbye, and turned around.  It took a lot of self-control to keep myself from running as fast as I could out of that room, but I did not want Scott to be even more suspicious than he already was.  I silently cursed myself for having even stayed after.  I tossed Tess's notes in the trash can as I walked out the door and looked over my shoulder at Scott as I rounded the corner to see him staring after me.

So I was late to Jean's class.  She was not in a good mood.  I could tell as soon as I walked into the classroom.  She glared up at me as I walked to my seat.  I really did not want to deal with her or have her chew me out for whatever reason she was mad.

"Why are you late?" she asked me.  The students took this as an opportunity to stare.  I decided to ignore them for now.

"I stayed after class," I answered.  She obviously did not like that answer.  She narrowed her eyes and gave me one of her death glowers.

"Why?" she asked.  No one else was talking.

"So I could talk to Mr. Summers," I answered, remembering not to call him Scott.

"Yes, _obviously_, Rogue," she responded rudely.  What we had talked about was really none of her business.

"Stay after class," she said.  Stay after class for being late?  Why?  So she could give me another lecture about how inappropriate it was for Scott and I to be friends.  She was obviously satisfied because she did not say anything else.  Kitty and Jubilee were sitting in front of me, and turned around.

"Rogue, what happened last night?  Are you like going through a break down?" Jubilee asked.

"You should really eat breakfast.  It's the most important meal of the day," Kitty added.

"Okay, thank you," I said.

"I heard about the John thing," Jubilee started.

"Oh my gawd.  Rogue, why?  You two could have been, like, so perfecto!" Kitty exclaimed, a little two loudly.  Jean looked up.  They both turned around quickly.  She narrowed her eyes and went back to her previous activity.  They turned back around.

"Why did you turn him down, Rogue?  Tess was _really_ looking forward to double dating with you two," Jubilee proclaimed.

"I think you, like, broke her heart or something," Kitty added, shaking her head. "This is why you should always eat breakfast."

"Forget Tess's heart!  What about John's?  You could have had him _so_ whipped!  I swear.  He was a good piece of meat," Jubilee proclaimed.  A whipped piece of meat?  I guess Tess was not the only one disappointed in my turning John down.  Okay, this was also a reaction I had not been expected nor thought about.

"So does this mean Scott's mine or not!" Kitty said suddenly.  I was taken aback by her abrupt aggressiveness.  I was silenced by shock for a second.

"I still have his glasses, and I can tell you right now he's not getting them back," she added.  "Not that he's showed any signs of wanting them back."

"She wears them everyday in the room," Jubilee informed me.  Had I wanted to hear that?

"I should have got a pair of boxers, too," Kitty stated.  Too much information.  It reminded me of Tess and Logan's boxers.  Tess had never given them back to him and still wore them.  It was highly dubious that she had bothered to wash them.

"Gawd, I need a boyfriend," Jubilee said, changing the subject and turning around.  I was not sure under which topic they had brought up that fell under.

"So is he? Is he, like, mine now?" Kitty asked.  I nodded.  All hers to play with- in her mind.  She turned around, grinning wildly now.

"Finally!" she said.  Jean looked up inquisitively.

"Shut up," Jubilee demanded.

"You're just jealous," Kitty replied, her grin faded now.

"Of what?  Your stupid little fantasies?" Jubilee asked, rolling her eyes.

"Like, _whatever_," Kitty retorted.  Nice come back.  Something caught my eye and I turned around to see Bobby getting up from his seat.  I looked at Jean.  She was too busy to notice.  I turned back to Bobby to see him walking towards me.  He was giving me a hard stare.  What did he want?  I hoped it had nothing to do with John.  Bobby pulled the chair out from next to me and sat down.

"If what happened last night had anything to do with John, you should know you brought it on yourself," he started, "I don't know if you were playing with him so you could get back at me for dating Tess, but you shouldn't have done it.  I don't know what you were thinking, but you obviously didn't know what you were getting yourself into.  I'd recommend that you don't do it again.  Not to anyone, not to John, not that you'll get another chance, and especially not to someone who has- something you wouldn't know about- _friends_."

He pushed his chair out, just as the bell dismissed the class, and left.  Had he just threaten and tried to insult me?  Playing?  I had not been playing with John.  Had I?  Getting myself into?  Trying to get back at Bobby?  For dating Tess?!  Did he really think he played that big of a role in my life?  Narcissistic, conceited… _hypocrite_.  Was he really one to accuse me of _playing_ with someone?  And a personal threat.  What they hell was he implying?  That he was going to beat me up?  And his last comment: 'something you wouldn't know about- _friends_.'  Was I supposed to be heart broken?  It was obvious that what was common and normal to him was obviously the way things had to be.  Maybe the word loner scared him, intimidated him or freaked him out, but it obviously was not what was usual to him.  That had not been an insult at all, but what had been was his coming over to censure me over something that had nothing to do with him.  And why the hell had everyone and anyone been giving me his or her damn opinions?

They all gathered their things and rushed out of the room.  I just about did the same, but remember Jean had condemned me with the displeasure of having to stay after class.  I turned and watched as they all left the classroom, and turned back to see Jean standing in front of my desk.  I jumped back in my chair, startled.  She was staring me right in the eye, and cleavage was all but hanging out.  It exceedingly disturbing because it stirred up some the old desires I had absorbed form touching Logan.  I desperately tried thinking of something else.  What did she want with me now?  More punishment?  I shuddered.  Thinking of punishments had not helped any.

"There's a new student," she started. "He claims to have met you before, so you can show him around the school."

I had no idea who this student could be.  I had to show him around?  Oh joy.

"Who is it?" I asked.  She motioned to the door, turned around and strutted back to her desk.  I looked over my shoulder to see a boy walking towards me.  He grinned when I turned around.  Bloody fucking hell.  I turned back around.  I had to be seeing things.  Maybe I had not looked correctly because I obviously had not _seen_ correctly.

"Miss me?" he asked, standing next to my desk.  I knew ignoring the problem would not help, but it was worth a try.  I pushed my chair out, picked up my books and stood up.  I think he thought I wanted to hug him because he stepped closer to me.

"I have to go to library, sorry I'll have to show you around later," I told him, starting to leave.  Or never.

"You should show him around, Rogue," Jean said from her desk, grinning like the evil bitch she was.  I stopped in my tracks.  The tone of her voice… Had she been in my head?  Had she used her ESP?  I thought she had a strict moral code to follow on using her telepathy.  I turned.

"What _about_ the _books_?" I asked, sternly.  Maybe she had forgotten.

"You've done enough.  It would actually be a good idea to socialize, especially with someone you know, instead spending your time alone, as you usually do," like she gave a damn.  Her sudden interest in my personal life was all but credible.  I narrowed my eyes.  What the hell was she doing?  She had no right to be doing whatever it was.

"What about Tess?" I asked.  Tess could not finish all those books by herself.

"I'll inform her.  You can show Ben around," Jean replied, smiling with feigned enthusiasm.   Could I hate her any more?  I shoved my chair in the desk, and started walking towards the door.  Bitch.  And I hoped she had caught that.

"Where are we going?" Ben asked, as we walked towards the door. "Your room?"

I rolled my eyes.  He wished.  It seemed he had not changed at all from… three days ago.

"You're _twenty_-_three_," I stated.  That enough said.  What the hell was a twenty-three year old doing here anyway?  I knew he was not teaching.  How many times had he flunked kindergarten?

"No, I'm seventeen.  My fake I.D. says I'm twenty-three," he corrected.  So he had lied?  _Another_ liar?  And this _liar_ had actually taken up on the other _liar's_ notice and came here.  Could things get any worse.  And what was I supposed to do with him.  I stepped out the classroom first and almost walked into Logan.  I looked up into his face.

"Hi," I said, he looked pass me at Ben.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he growled.

"Nothing," Ben answered.  I rolled my eyes.  What kind of an answer was that?

"He's a new student.  I have to show him around," I answered.  If Logan wanted to kill Ben he could do it later.

"Logan, you wasting our time.  Threaten him or something, so I can get this over with," I said. "Come _on, _Ben."

Ben used me as a guard, placing me between himself and Logan as we walked pass him and out of the classroom.  I did not very much appreciate it.  Lucky him, he had escaped with his life.  I do not know why Logan did not pursue us.  Maybe he had caught sight of Jean's cleavage.

"I forgot about him," Ben said, still looking a little frightened and holding onto my arm.  Well, Logan had not forgotten about him.  I tried to shake him off.  I did not want to get back into this routine of his grabbing me whenever he felt.

"Yeah, okay," I replied, trying to pull my arm away unsuccessfully.

"Got a boyfriend?" Ben asked, ignoring my attempts to free my arm.

"No, let go of my arm," I answered.

"Good," he answered.  Good?  What did he think he would automatically fill the spot?

"Hold my books," I told him in an attempt to get him to free my arm. I passed them to him hoping he would let me got to take them, but he only used one hand to receive them.  Damn.

"Let go of my arm," I repeated.

"Where are we going?" Ben asked, sliding his hand down my arm to my hand.

"Come on, Ben, let go of my hand," I repeated, glaring up at him.

"Show me your room first," he ordered.  I tried just yanking my hand away.  Did not work.  What was his mutation?  Superhuman strength?

"What's your mutation?" I inquired.

"I don't know exactly.  I can make some kind of force field," he answered.  Okay, so maybe he just worked out.  I could not think of another way to free myself, so I succumbed to his demands and showed him upstairs to my room.  At least I did not have to carry my books.

"Those were the stairs and this is the hallway," I said dryly, looking around to make sure no one was around to see Ben holding my hand.

"Where would I be without your help," Ben replied sarcastically.

"You want me to show you around then not?" I asked, irately.

"Yeah," he answered, staring at me.  His eyes dropped to my lips for a second.

"Then keep your comments to yourself," I instructed.  He nodded.  I had expected him to say something sarcastic, not nod like a child.  Was that what Jubilee had meant by a good piece of whipped meat?  I smiled to myself.

"Why do you wear so many clothes?" he asked, looking me up and down.

"My mutation," I answered.

"What's it?" he asked curiously.

"I have the ability to absorb a person's memories and abilities, leaving the victim unconscious until the transfer wears off," I stated, reciting the Professor Xavier version of my mutation like it had come from a dictionary.

"But you can control it," he stated.

"Only recently," I answered.

"Oh," he said, "…So you don't have a better wardrobe?"

"Shut up," I demanded angrily.  There was nothing wrong with my wardrobe.  I quickly looked down at what I was wearing, and then glared at him.

"Do you have anything that's not black?" he asked.  I shrugged, turning away.  If I did, I had not bothered to dig it out the back of the closet or wear it.  Plus, I think I was allergic to bright colors.

"So if you only just recently learned to control your powers, does that mean I was the first person you've kissed?" he asked, getting cocky again.

"No," I answered simply.

"Are you lying?" he asked.

"No, I'm not," I answered, annoyed.

"I think you are," he answered.

"I don't care.  This is my room now let me go," I said stopping.  He released me hand.  I grabbed my books from him, and turned to punch in the code.  I made sure to close the door right behind me, when I stepped in.  I did not want him to think he was invited at anytime.  I looked around the room.  There were no signs that Tess had been here.

"Dude, are you ditching me?" he asked, yelling through the door.

"Like yeah dude," I yelled, answering him mockingly.  Maybe I could hook him up with Kitty, but did she really deserve that kind of punishment?  I put my stuff up and walked back to the door and stepped out, closing the door behind me.  I could not ditch him.  Not yet.  I had nothing better to do and basically no choice.

"What's your room number?" I asked.

"Forty," he answered.

"What?" I asked shocked.

"Four-T," he repeated.

"Damn," I mumbled.  I looked down the empty hall.  That was one room across the hall from room number thirty-eight- John and Bobby's room.  I looked up at him.

"What?" he asked curiously.

"Nothing," I uttered.  Why did I have to be the one put in this position?  I started for his room hoping neither Bobby nor John were anywhere near theirs.  He followed me down the hall, catching up with me and placing his arm around my shoulder.  I glared up at him and pushed his arm off my shoulder.  Yeah I was stuck with him.  Could I hate this place anymore?

X. Censures

SUGGESTIONS  PUHLEASE


	11. Erratic

A/N:  Sorry this took so long.  To make it up to you, it's twice as long as my chapters usually are.  Thanks Tatiana and Radha and reviewers for actually taking the time to push that little go button and typing a few words if there (and suggestions (sorry didn't use any. : D)).  I consider this the second transition chapter (1st.ch.9).  Ryro lovers refer to last chapter's a/n if you get worried.  WARNING: nope, no masochism, just Ben.  And _that_ is self-explanatory.

XI. Erratic

There was no one in my view, left or right, so I took the chance, before it evanesced, to quickly enter the library.  I perused the place carefully.  It was short of a crowd, there being only a few people scattered around.  Thankfully none of those people happened to be Ben.

Or Tess, Bobby, Kitty, Jubilee, Logan, Scott, Jean or John.  Yes, I was basically evading everyone I had come to be acquainted with in this school except maybe Storm or the Professor, but no one was essentially "top A" on the list of people I sought to see.  That would be, if I had possessed a list of the sort.

I spotted the empty couch across the room.  Empty and vacant unlike every other inch of the mansion.  I took a seat at one of the ends of the couch.  I used one foot to push the black clunker shoe off my other foot.  It fell with a thud on its side to the ground.  I repeated the action, removing the other shoe from my foot with my other foot, and watched as it toppled over the other shoe to the floor.  I thought it would have been rude if I had not taken my shoes off before I brought my feet up onto the couch.

I sighed and sat back against the couch.  My thoughts were apathetically focused on what everybody's responses would be toward Ben's arrival.  Witnessing Logan's reaction had been nothing unexpected.  If only I could be so lucky as to be able to shorten Tess's reaction to a similar length.

I had dropped Ben off in the dining room, and then fled as fast as I could, leaving him there to take care of his own introductions.  Tess would solely recognize him.  When his identity was revealed Jubilee and Kitty would make or ask an inadvertently bawdy comment or question, Bobby would be shocked that Ben had taken up on his notice, and the others would ask for an explanation.  I deliberately eluded my thoughts from John's reaction.  I had no idea how he would react to the guy's he hated living here, and I did not want to think about it.

The fact, that Ben was here, had finally sunken into my consciousness.  This was no visit; he would be residing here permanently, for just as long as I would be, in this same building, floor and hall as me.  Leaving the mall would no longer be an escape from him.  Could things get any more complicated with him around?

But were things automatically worse with his living here?  It was almost like a clean new slate with Ben.  He held no biased judgment against me, not that he worshiped me, but damn, I was sure he would do anything to try to get between my legs, and it was actually vaguely amusing.  I wondered how much I could milk from his desire.  I dissected and bisected what I had just suggested to myself….  That would be using him.  

Someone jumped over the back of the couch, landing next to me.  My thoughts scattered now, I looked up, started, to see Ben grinning down at me.  Oh, great.

"Hey, babe," he greeted me.  It would not be like using him would not be mutual, like he would not enjoy it.  In fact, I knew he would.  The fact that it would be a relationship going nowhere would not be significant.  Not to him.  As long as he was getting what he wanted out of it.  

"Why aren't you at dinner?" I asked, moreover, how the hell had he known to find me here?  Dinner was nowhere near over, and here he was ready to harass me.

"'Cause I'd rather be with you," He licked his bottom lip.  My countenance was indifferent.  And he had planning how long on using that one, and how many of those cheesy lines did he have in stock?  His smile broadened.

"They wouldn't stop asking questions once they found out I was 'Ben'," he stated, adding hand quotations, "How much did you tell about me?"

I hope he was not flattering himself.  He was not the highlight of my life. "I didn't tell them anything.  Tess did."

"Tess didn't seem to happy that I was here," he added.  And he assumed I was?  Tess, most likely, was _not_ happy that he was here, seeing how he had not been incorporated into her overall plans for me.  

I dropped my feet to the floor, and stared at my shoes, deciding to let that awkward silence spread its roots.  Using Ben, or it would be maybe more of a friends-with-benefits thing.  Damn, that sounded so tacky and even more pathetic.  We were not even friends.

I kicked my shoe- the one that was on its side- flipping it onto its sole.  Lots of people did it though, did they not?  It's all been done before.  Nothing to really worry about, I doubt he would complain.  I kicked my shoe angrily, making it topple back onto its side.  Everyone?  Everyone I _despised_?  Since when had I started to use bandwagon as an excuse?  I slapped myself mentally for trying to reason with myself with propaganda.  Since when did I _slap_?

"Why don' you eat with everyone else," Ben asked, breaking the silence.  He did not even bother to look above my neck.  I crossed my arms over my chest and shrugged, glaring at my shoe.  I pulled it back using my toes.  When had my shoe taken the place of my razor in dealing with my anger?  Well, there was less blood.

Ben took one of my hands, suddenly and pulled it towards him.  Raising my head to follow our hands, I noticed that he had his other hand lifting his shirt up.

"What are you doing?" I asked frantically.  Toward where was he bringing my hand?  His pants?  And why was this necessary?

"Feel my abs," he stated.  Feel his abs….  I gaped at him uncomprehendingly.  Could this be his alternative to small talk?  I searched myself, but could not manage to find any desire to… feel his abs.  Goodness, what had made him think I would?  I tugged my arm back, refusing to 'stroke' his abs.

"Dude, I have better abs than that Logan guy," he stated.  Logan.  Why was Logan the motive behind this, and how did he know what kind of abs Logan had?  Had he already started competing in that pathetic contest otherwise known as male pre-eminence?  This was unbelievably pathetic.  He wanted me to grope him, so he could convince me his abs were better than Logan's?  And it was important how?  My eyebrows were furrowed.  Would he stop calling me dude?

"I've never touched Logan's abs," I replied.  He hesitated for a second before shrugging.  Damn it, I had just negated the competitiveness, yet he was still trying to bring my hand to his stomach.

"Come on.  You'll like what you feel," he proclaimed.  Oh, how wrong that had sounded.  Not to mention, it probably looked even worse to anyone who was watching.

"No!" I stated.  Were we arguing over me touching his stomach?  This was unbelievable.  These 'ideas' of his, where they the only thing that ran through his mind?  I looked around, wondering if anyone was viewing this little scene.

"Just feel it," he responded, pulling at my arm.  Was this fun to him or something?  He continued to ignore my demands to let my wrist go.  I could feel my anger rising.  Goodness, I wondered how good it would feel to use my mutation on him right now?  He obviously was not processing my answer.  It clearly was not getting across to him.

"I DON'T _WANT_ TO TOUCH IT!" I yelled.  Too loud, or not.  Heads rose, bodies turned to scope out the cause of the outbreak.  And their answer was a startled Ben holding my hand near his 'abs'.  I _knew_ how this looked.  Of course, I do not think 'oh, she's just touching his abs' had crossed anyone's mind.  He dropped my hand, and pulled his shirt back down.

"What?" he asked them defensively.  They all went back to their previous activities.  I could have avowed I had heard someone tell us to get a room.  He looked somewhat angry, frustrated.  I shrugged nonchalantly.  What had he expected me to do, bend over and start giving him head?  He narrowed his eyes.

"So you want to touch my abs or not?" he asked, staring me down.  I thought we had already covered that.  Was he really that dense of just stubborn?  I looked into his eyes; he really thought that I wanted to touch his abs.  Maybe he thought I was playing hard to get, or maybe he just thought he was too hot for me to resist?  I shook my head.

"Your loss," he mumbled.  I rolled my eyes.  My loss?  Not a very significant one.  And he knew he would rip his shirt off and anything else, if I asked him to.  It was that conceit of his that negated his looks.

"When are you going to eat?" he asked, examining my profile now like nothing had happened.  His tendency to talk to a part of my body that could no respond also served as a factor that negated his looks.  

"I eat with Scott after dinner," I answered.  He raised an eyebrow curiously.  Scott had not yet had to have the inconvenience of meeting Ben.  Lucky him.

"You said you didn't have a boyfriend," he stated.  Was that jealousy I heard?  No, it could not be because that would mean his interest in me went beyond my physical appearance.  And what about me?  Did I have any interest in Ben?  If I had had any beyond his looks, it would have surfaced by now, and so far none had, and most likely none would.

"I don't, Scott's a X-Men, and he teaches," I responded.  Ben nodded slowly, still perusing me.  Did he have to make so blatantly obvious what he wanted?  I guess his view had landed on my hands.

"Why are you still wearing your gloves?" he asked. I shrugged, and looked down at my shoes.  Some habits were tenacious.  He moved closer to me, moving himself across the couch.  Too close for comfort.  He was practically hovering over me.  I started to state something when he leaned closer, brushing his face against my hair.  I could feel his breath flow against my neck.  I felt the sudden urge to arch my neck and close my eyes as thoughts of his lips playing on my neck raced through my head.  It would be a first, and I had a craving to know how it felt.  Damn, it was only warm, I thought as I regained control of my thoughts.  And Ben, it was only Ben.  I placed a hand on his chest and reluctantly pushed him back.

"Marie, come on.  You don't have to act anymore," he whispered, leaning against my hand.  I looked up meeting his gaze.  His face was about half an inch from mine.  Why was every male at this school so beautiful?  He leaned forwarded teasingly, and his eyes dropped from mine to my lips.  Should I be letting him do this?  Would he think I was interested?  'Cause I was not even sure.  It would be sort of hard to be with him and his ever-changing attitudes.  Knowing him, if I allowed him to manipulate me like this he would believe he owned me. 

"Rogue," I stated calmly, staring him challengingly in the eye.  Had he forgotten or had it been a part of his plan?

"What?  Oh yeah...  Right," he leaned closer, this time coming in for a kiss.  A _kiss_, which entirely meant he thought I wanted him.

"Ben, it's called personal space," I stated, finally not able to stand the lack of it.  He sat back against the back of the couch, and sighed, maybe frustrated or tired of my resistance to his seductive advances.  Had he given up _that_ easily?  Wow, maybe I should sound the trumpets.  He took one of my hands again.  Okay, maybe not just yet.  Were we going to go through the 'abs' thing again?  He pulled my glove off, then took the other hand and repeated the action.  I do not know why I sat there like an idiot and let him.  This would lead him to assume I shared some mutual feelings with him… and I knew it, and was just letting it happen.  Would this be taking a familiar turn?  Goodness, I had not meant to with John, but now I was fully conscious of what kind of messages I was sending by not protesting to his advances.  I was deliberately leading him on….  He would not care if he knew, I reminded myself.  It was mutual.  He only wanted me to want him, or let him use my body.  He would not care….

He took one of my hands and brought it up to his mouth to kiss it.  I knew I would be able to control my mutation, I had been gaining more control by the day, and if I could not, Ben would not be a tragic loss to anyone. 

"You still have too much on.  You're overdressed," he said, his strategy now taking a perverse turn from his seductiveness.

"And I'm gonna stay that way," I answered, annoyed.  His previous tactic had actually been working, but his new one would get him back where he had started.  Goodness, did he really think he could talk me out of my clothes?  I hastily pulled my hand back.  He could keep the damn gloves.

"Where we going?" Ben asked, following me again.  My attempt to ditch him in the library had gone amiss wretchedly.  I had not obtained the chance at all with my having to put my shoes back on.  He had only to stand up from the couch, watch me put the shoes on and wait for me to lead the way, which subsequently he had.  But what had I expected, him to stay in the library and check out a few books?

"Dinner," I answered.  He turned and watched me as we walked down the hall.  His silence led me to believe he was waiting for me to return the gaze.  I turned and glanced at him expecting him to say something.  His mouth parted slightly, but nothing audible came out.  I turned back and looked ahead of me into the empty hallway.  Maybe he was thinking.  I was going to dinner to eat with Scott _after_ I left Ben in the game room.  Why did that sound like I was a mother dropping her child off at day care, and why was he still staring at me?  I clandestinely hoped he would walk into a wall or something.

"What?" I asked finally vexed at his staring.  I turned and glared at him, silently demanding an answer.  Someone needed to tell him that it was rude to stare… and grab, ogle, and all the other annoying things he had managed to do in the short time of his stay.  He narrowed his eyes curiously, only intensifying his stare.

"With Scott?" he asked.  I rolled my eyes and turned back ahead, nodding as a response.  Was I to be faced with inquiries about my relationship with Scott?  My _friendship_ with Scott?  Or one of the most popular questions: _What do you guys talk about?_  Nosiness: The true sign of to what degree these students were depraved of entertainment.  It was like they did not notice that they ate dinner with the teachers, also.

"Am I invited?" Ben asked with a grin.  I shook my head in response.  No, he was not going to get the opportunity to bother me during dinner.  He would go to the game room and get bothered.  I wanted to keep dinners with Scott they way they were.  And rid him of some of his suspicion about last night.  The grin on Ben's face was replaced with a look of surprise and inquisition at my response.

"You're going to the game room," I stated.  I would spare Scott the nuisance of having to meet Ben for a little while longer.  Ben would have to hang out with Tess, Jubilee, Kitty and the others for a while.  Answer some more questions and learn simultaneously who to avoid if he wanted to be left alone and some of the other essentials, such as not saying too much to Kitty because she would think you were one of her best friends, and essentially not to start a conversation with Jubilee _or_ Kitty, if you wanted to end it somewhere near the hour you started it.  Unfortunately, I had learned those the hard ways when I had first come to this school.

"Trying to get rid of me?" he asked, stepping closer to me so that we were touching.  A shiver of nervousness of excitement traveled through my body.  I could not tell which; there was no clear distinction.  Resisting the urge to push him away, I turned to meet his gaze.  I was not shocked to recognize an expression of want on his face, and wondered if I was becoming conceited.  No, he probably gave that look to every female he decided he wanted to fuck.  Not bothering to answer him, I broke the gaze as we stepped into the kitchen.

"Where's this room full of games?" Ben asked indifferently.  I showed him through the lounge to the game room entrance, where he stopped and gazed around the room.  These were a majority of the students he would now be living with.  Impressed or not, I did not care.  I wanted to get back to the kitchen.  He turned and looked at me, ready to say something.

"Enjoy," I said before he could and pushed him out into the room.  It was not that I hated him or could not stand him, but I seriously needed him to not be around while I thought about what I felt for him, or what I did not feel for him, and about John, too.  Was Ben worth the emotional turmoil I had been willing to go through just to _decide_ if I wanted to even try to be with him?  It had been completely different with John.  I was asking myself a completely different question here.  I think the thought of dating John scared me.  But dating Ben did not?  Maybe it was the fact that I knew exactly what kind of relationship Ben and I would be in?  And that it would probably never last.  It would be experimental to some extent.  I could screw up in anyway possible and not have anything to lose.  Plus, I did not even have John to lose anymore.

"Rogue," I looked up out of my pensive daze to see Scott standing next to the table.  He did not look like he was going to be sitting down anytime soon, and I wondered why.  Something must have been up.  Was it another X-Men mission?  I dropped my hands onto the table waiting for him to speak.

"I'm not going to be able to eat with you tonight.  I have some work to do, but I want you to eat something.  No replays from last night," he proclaimed.  I nodded wonder what kind of work he had to do.  He bid me goodbye and then left.  No replays from last night, huh?  I wondered if he had just accepted my excuse and would drop with the questions. Or maybe he had not brought them up because he had not had the time.

I ate my dinner listlessly, debating over what I should do after.  Make an appearance in the game room and maybe see what Ben was up to or dodge everyone and go to bed?  I choose the former and left the kitchen toward the lounge.  There was no one was in the lounge tonight.  Maybe Scott's work included Logan and Jean.  I laughed at the thought- maybe they were prepping him for his class.  I stepped into the game room doorway and watched the students.  Watched everyone walk around, participate and socialize.  But I was in no way philanthropic.  I started to turn around and go back into the lounge, having had suddenly changed my mind and wanting to go straight to my room.

"Decided to join me?" I jumped, startled and looked to see Ben grinning in front of me.  Damn, he had scared the crap out of me.  I stared speechlessly at him still recovering.  He peered down at me with an alluring look on his face.  I nodded going somewhat into a daze, and let him take my hand and pulled me into the game room.

"This place isn't that bad," he commented.  I nodded again grasping his hand, and wondering where he was taking me as he pulled me through the crowd.  The room did not seem as crowded as it had yesterday.  Maybe it had been all my imagination.  I started to ask Ben where he was headed when he turned to apologize to someone he had accidentally brushed into.

"-if you can," Bobby finished as he turned around to see who had brushed against him.  When he saw us, he glared at Ben and gave me a look of disgust.  I rolled my eyes not at all phased by his attitude.  John was across from him at the foosball table.  He looked up returning my gaze, and looked like he was about to nod in recognition when he noticed Ben.  It did not help the situation any that Ben was still holding my hand.  John looked disbelieving at first like maybe he had not seen correctly, then looked away indubitably somewhat angry.  I slipped my hand from Ben's and placed my hands against his lower back, nudging him forward and telling him to keep moving.  Enough damage was already done.

"Slut," Bobby mumbled, as we walked away.  It, of course, was too loud to be considered a mumble.  I was pretty sure all four of us and maybe some others had heard it.  And even as much as Bobby's opinion of me did not matter to me, that had still stung.  I wanted to turn around slug him, but I decided to be the bigger person and ignore him.  But Ben had decided differently.

"Bobby," John called, noting his out-of-lineness- because he sure as hell was.  Bobby shrugged nonchalantly, knowing most likely I would not respond to his insult, and gaining pleasure from that.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Ben asked.  He shrugged off my attempt to keep us moving and stepping around me towards Bobby.  I wanted so desperately for Bobby to wimp out and say 'nothing', so we could avoid this whole cliché scene and the attention that would come with it.  But instead he looked straight at me.

"She's a slut, and you probably are, too," he repeated.  That was so contradictory from what I knew about Bobby.  He had not the right with his reputation to call someone a slut.

"Maybe you should shut the fuck up," Ben stated ominously, giving Bobby a hard death glare.  You would think I was his girlfriend.  I stepped back to the side to avoid what I knew would come.  Why did guys, moreover Bobby, have to be like this?

"Maybe you should _get_ _out of_ _my_ _face_," Bobby retorted.  He pushed Ben back away from him, officially starting the fight.  Goodness, I could just hear the students chanting fight, fight.  No one's attention had been caught though.  That was until Ben pushed Bobby back into the foosball table.

"Could you stop making a scene?" John asked irately, as he stepped towards them.  Ben turned and pushed him away, turning his glare on him.  I have to admit did not like what he had just done, at all.  This was getting out of hand.  The students were gathering now.  Not many, but quite a few stopped what they were doing and turned around to watch.

"Ben?" I called surprised, that he had pushed John.  Bobby came back and swung at Ben, hitting him in the jaw.  I cringed at that, and blood started to trickle down Ben's lip, but he wasted no time before swinging back and hitting Bobby in the eye.  Ben obviously had done this before because it took him almost no time take advantage of Bobby's state of dizziness and strike Bobby again, this time hitting the other eye.  The attention was all on them now, as Bobby stumbled back.  And the noise level was also rising.  This had to stop or there would be unwanted attention from the teachers soon.  

I decided to interfere when John pulled Bobby back.  I could see the disappointment on the students' faces as I stepped in front of Ben, and pushed him back away from the original scene.

"He's-," Ben started.  I knew what he was going to say.  Goodness, everybody in the school knew that Bobby was-

"An asshole," I interrupted.  Ben exhaled nodding and brought the back of his hand up and across his bleeding lip.  He lowered his gaze away from Bobby to meet mine and licked his bottom lip, clearing from his cut the blood that had started seeping again.  There was obviously something wrong with _me_ because I had become erratically aroused from looking at him.  I bit my bottom lip, but did not drop my gaze from his.  Goodness, I hoped he could not catch on to anything I was thinking right now.  I knew he would be grinning at what he learned if he could.

"Ice?" I asked, receiving a nod in response.  I let my thoughts fade as I led the way through the already disappearing crowd through the game room.  Ben glared at Bobby as we walked pass him, not that Bobby was watching.  He needed more ice than anyone with a busted lip ever would.

"How's my lip look?" Ben asked, removing the ice pack from his mouth, scooting forward in his chair.  I leaned forward in my chair to examine it.  How much complexity was there to a busted lip?  He would not need the ice for much longer.  The bleeding had long ago stopped.

"Busted," I replied ingenuously leaning back into my chair.  He grinned sitting back again in chair and watching me.  I sighed, bored, and ready to go to bed.  I had never had anybody fight to HIS defend me like that, okay except the X-Men and the Brotherhood, but not like before, and I was somewhat oddly flattered.  Ben was still grinning at I do not know what.

"I definitely won that fight," he said.  I should have guessed that the reason involved testosterone.  I responded with an uninterested 'uh-huh' and slid down some in my seat.  I would let him drone on for a couple of minutes, come up with an excuse and then leave.

"…You're not mad, are you?" he asked hesitantly.  I looked up, inquisitive if he even cared, and was stunned to see that clearly from his expression he did.  This was awkward, I thought.  I straightened up in my chair and shook my head.

"I'm not mad," I added redundantly, and received a tentative nod.  I managed to mumble out an audible thanks of appreciation for his standing up for me, and moreover slugging Bobby twice.

"No problem," he grinned, bringing down the ice pack from his mouth.  You could hardly call that a bonding moment, but that was what it felt like, and I could not help but grin back.  But Ben could screw up any moment.  He raised his eyebrows a couple of times evocatively, and motioned to his right.  I raised an eyebrow curiously, as he lowered the ice pack once again.

"Upstairs… _or_ _the_ _table_?" he asked provocatively.  I stared at him blankly trying figure out if he was joking or not.  He lifted his eyebrows suggestively again.  I was sure he was joking, but there was no doubt that he take either.  I narrowed my eyes warningly, tacitly telling him to stop.  He chuckled and lowered the ice from his lip and placed it on the table.  I think he left it on for too long because his lip looked a little blue.  He brought his hand up to his mouth brushing his thumb over his lip.

"I can't feel it," he stated.  I could feel the smile taking over my mouth at that.  He dropped hid hand, and licked his lick, and then looked up at me and raised an eyebrow seductively at me again, still grinning also.  His repeatedly doing that was getting bothersome.

"Maybe you could kiss me until I regain feeling it again," he suggested, patting his hand with a lap and evocatively raising his eyebrows again.  Damn, he was bold, and obviously daring.  I turned his suggestion down nicely before I stood up, replying that I could but would not.  I was ready to leave, and it was getting late.  Tomorrow was Saturday, and I had the usually early Saturday morning meeting with the Professor.  He stood up with me, asking me if I was going to bed.  I nodded and started for the exit.  When I did not hear him following me, I stopped and looked over my shoulder curiously.  Had he decided to stop following me?  I turned around completely to see him standing there awkwardly.  I stretched a hand out to him and watched a grin replace the futility on his face as he took it and treaded beside me.

"You didn't have to push John," I stated out of the blue as we walked up the stairs replaying the fight over in my head.  Thankfully it had been a short one, and no one had gotten in trouble.  Ben raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"No, I didn't, but I did," he stated, watching me now.  He looked as if he was searching for something in my expression?  I hope there had not been too much emotion in that statement about John.  He was not going to start prying me about John, was he?  I nodded deciding I wanted to now drop the subject before it could go any further.

"So what do you feel you owe me?" he asked, grinning and exasperatingly raising his eyebrows reminiscently again.  I rolled my eyes.  Owed?  I did not owe him anything, and I truly hoped he knew that.  It had been his decision to fight Bobby.

"I know.  How about you spent the whole day tomorrow with me?  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea, and if you're busy… you could just spent the night," he proposed.  How did he truly think I would react to that?  He did not think that a busted lip would get me in bed with him, did he?

"Shut up," I responded, somewhat lightheartedly, but nonetheless annoyed.  Could he take a break any longer than five minutes from being perverse?  Maybe the adrenaline or the androgen from the fight had only now just kicked in, and he was only just now experiencing the rush, which was causing him to act so… perverse.  He had a personality beneath this all though, right?  Maybe I would just have to find it.

"I was thinking more along the lines of 'Yeah, that's a great idea. Thank _you_, _Ben_ for coming up with such a great idea.'," he responded.  I did not bother to reply for something else had caught my eye as we walked down the hall.  Tess was waiting outside our room leaning against the door and talking to Sam.  I moaned inwardly.  Why had I not gotten here earlier so that I could at least pretend to be sleeping when she came?  I had been ready to turn around and retreat back downstairs, but she turned and saw us first.  I could see the shock on her face at seeing Ben and me together.  I turned and looked up at Ben who had also spotted them.  Sam kissed Tess before he gave us a glance and walked away.

"Rogue, I _need_ to talk to you," she demanded as we walked up to her.  I tentatively stepped closer to her.  She took my arm, not acknowledging Ben at all, and pulled me further down the hall.  Did she not want to wait until we got into the room?  She stopped 'him' as if she was talking of the vilest thing living on this earth.  I glanced at Ben who was waiting for me and watching us, and nodded.  What did she have against Ben, other than his not being John.  Three days ago, she had been advising me to call him.  Not that I was surprised that she was acting capricious.

"_Why_?  What about John?  Don't tell me you just… forgot about him?" she asked. "Rogue, Ben is not- he's not… right for you.  You saw how he acted in the game room.  I wish I had flicked him off instead of John."

"Yes, and I also saw how Bobby acted.  I haven't forgotten about John, but… it's not going to happen.  Tess, you wouldn't understand," and I was not going to explain.  She looked frustrated and kept turning and glaring at Ben.

"Whatever.  Go ahead and hang out with him, and forget about John.  You haven't even talked to him!  I don't know how you choose your guys, but your system is seriously screwed.  Ben is _just_ like Bobby, and he's only using you!" she stated, looking seriously pissed off.  Well, he was not technically using me if I was using him.  She did not give me a chance to respond before she walked away.  Ben had started walking towards us, and she bumped into his shoulder as she walked to our room.  Goodness, she could act so childish when she did not get her way.  That was exactly why I had not explained to her about my choosing Ben over John; her maturity level would not allow her to understand.  And forgetting about John was the last thing I could do.  He freaking lived here.  I turned to face Ben who raised an eyebrow curiously as he walked over.

"What's her problem?" he asked.  It was obvious what her problem was.  She was spoiled and could not stay out of my business.  I shrugged wanting to forget the whole conversation.  Hopefully she would sleep of some of her prickishness and that bitchiness, too.  I looked passed Ben just in time to see the door being slammed shut.

"…Is she going to let you in?" he asked.  I really did not care because I did not want to go in anytime soon.  I told him this irately, and he stared down at me curiously and asked: "Then where are you going?"

I bit my bottom lip thoughtfully and nervously at the same time as I stared at my door.  This had never actually happened before.  Where had I to go?  I looked up at Ben. "Your room?"

His eyebrows shot up at that.  Something he had never expected to hear from me, but I did not want to aimlessly wander around the mansion at night.  He opened his mouth to say something.  Maybe I should not have said that, I thought when I he did not say anything at all.  I started to throw down the suggestion when he took my hand and started pulling me down the hall.

"Never ever hesitate to ask that.  Never," he proclaimed grinning down at me.  We were at his door in no time, and it did not take him long to get the door open and let us in.  I hope he was not assuming the wrong thing by my suggesting his room.  It was looking as if he had.  I watched as he closed the door behind him, and then step closer to me.  I was not going to make the same mistake twice, and let him believe something false.  He needed to know that I was not in here to have sex with him.

"Ben, I'm not in-" I started.  He took my face in his hands and brought his mouth to mine in a hungry kiss.  My eyes flew wide open in shock.  I had not even had the chance to finish my sentence before he had jumped me.  He parted my lips with his tongue gaining access to my entire mouth, which he practically searched with his tongue.  I blinked still startled and stunned at how fast it had happened and stumbled back a stepped.  He took it the wrong way and wasted no time in trying to remove the space between his bed and us.

"Ben!" I called, trying to pull away.  It came out as muffled nonsense in his mouth.  I tried again and he stopped to listen to what I had to say.  I could not manage to get anything to come out, and he leaned forward again to continue the kiss.

"No, Ben.  I don't want to do… _this_," I told him, taking his hands in mine and removing them from my face.  He looked confused.  I was trembling nervously, scared.  Afraid of his sudden advance and of his lack of tentativeness when pushing me towards his bed.  How could he rush this like that?  He did not even know me; nonetheless know if I even wanted him in that way.  I stepped back from him, putting some space between us.

"Something wrong?  Don't worry, I have condoms," he asked.  Of course, he did.  My not wanting to have sex with him did not comprehend with him.  He placed his hands on the side of my arms for comfort.  Lust tempted me step closer, but fear held me back.  I shrugged his grip off.  I did not want to sleep with him.

"I didn't mean I wanted to sleep with you when I said 'your room'," I stated.  He stared at me blankly.  He understood _that_ right?  He had to.  I waited for him to kick me out his room expecting him to be mad, but he did not make any move towards the action.  Well, maybe he was not mad.

"Ben…?" I called out his name.  What was he thinking?  My shaking had now faded, and I was feeling a little more comfortable.  He ran his tongue over his cut.

"What _else_ is there to _do_?" he asked.  I could have laughed being that I was amused at his perplexity, but I had no idea of how to answer his question.  Figured that I would not know what to say to that.  I did not very much 'do' things with other people.  I shrugged, staring at his busted lip.  It was on the verge of bleeding again from his previous roughness.

"Oh yeah, here's your gloves," he stated, taking them from his pocket and handing them to me.  It hit me hard suddenly that I had been barehanded the entire time and had not known or noticed it.  I could barely hide my shock.  Did he know what this meant?  I was still comprehending it.  And then the sudden realization of what had happened in our previous scene open the doors even wider.  I had been touching Ben-or rather he had been touch me- without even thinking about repressing my mutation.

"What did I do now?" Ben asked.  My mouth had been hanging open.  I closed it quickly, looked up and shook my head.  Maybe it had something to do with my subconscious.  I tried to think of other reasons this could be happening.  This was unbelievably awesome and unexpected. Ben looked unbelievably _impatient_.  I pushed the gloves into my back pocket.

"Nothing.  What do you want to do?" he grinned and evocatively repeatedly raised his eyebrows.  Of course, he wanted to continue what he had started.  I sighed and sat on his bed.  It would be hell getting through his perverseness.

"No," I answered. "Look, I'll just stay here from another fifteen minutes until Tess falls asleep and then I'm leaving."

"I can _do_ fifteen minutes!" Ben proclaimed.  I laughed at that.  Goodness, he was getting desperate now, which only reassured me in my refusing his offer.  Maybe he would sleep this behavior off.

"I'm sure you could," I repeated.  He looked like he had taken umbrage from that.  Well, he had said it.  Maybe I could sleep here tonight, I thought.  Or not.  I think I could and would rather deal with Tess.  He shifted uncomfortably in his spot in front of me, and then sat down very close next to me and turned and told me-

"This is what you do to me," I was confused at first.  I did not remember doing anything to him, but then I let my eyes travel tentatively down this body to his crotch.  My eyes flew wide open at what I saw.  His erection, in full bloom, was pressed against his pants.  I regained control of myself before my mouth dropped too far.

"You can make it go away.  All you gotta do is gimme your hand, or if you want we can-" I was off the bed and to the door in a second, and he did not follow me or protest seeing as he was too busy pulling his pants down.  I opened the door hastily and slammed it close behind me.  I had all but panicked.  I stood still with my back to it for a long while trying to gather my wits and listening to him moaning from self-pleasure.  Why was he doing what he was doing?  Had any of this been normal?  This could not be how relationships were supposed to start.  There had been too much drama in this one day.  I needed my bed and my razor and my solitude.  I started promptly for my room when the door to room number thirty-eight open, and I flew right into John.  We both stumbled back.

"Sorr-" he stopped in mid-word at the sight of me.  I apologized quickly, and started forward one step but then dropped back.  I was unsure of what to do, the franticness still having hold of my body.  I heard Ben moan again, being that we were only one door away from his, and froze.  I was in complete paralysis.

"Something wrong with-," John started to ask just as Ben called out my name, obviously having reached his level of satisfaction.  John looked at me eyebrows raised in shock, and then turned away mumbling something inaudible.  I could not stay any longer and all but sprinted to my room.

I sighed as I closed the door behind me and leaned back against it catching my breath and my composure.  I reeked of trepidation, confusion, embarrassment and rage.  I was _definitely _going to kill Ben tomorrow.

XI. Erratic


	12. Inquisition

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They really do help. Especially in figuring out if I left any open ends and because I love feedback. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" Saskia, tu revista me recuerda de la canción 'aserejé' por las Ketchup. _Aserejé ja deje / dejebe tu dejebe / deseri iowa a mavy / an de bugi an de güidibidi_. Ojalá que tú no odias esa canción. Thanks Tatiana and Radha (again and forever). I should thank W.Hist. for the title. Is 'The Limited' ® or ™ or ©? 

(Monday, 11 November 2002 – Saturday, 23 November 2002)

XII. Inquisition

No sound other than my spoon clanking against my bowl disturbed the stillness of the kitchen. Saturday morning remained one of the few times of the day when one could rove through the mansion and not run into someone every few feet. My excuse for being up at such a time was the meetings I continued to have with the Professor. He had decided it would be a good idea if we continued having them for a while despite my recent discovery.

I stood up taking the bowl with me over to the sink to rinse it out. I was dreading going back upstairs fearing what waited for me, so I stayed in the kitchen for another five minutes before I figured it was useless and that I was more susceptible to being found down here in the open than in my room. Especially, since the students would start waking up soon, and this was the first place the might come. I looked ahead of me, then behind debating on whether I should take the dining room or lounge-game room exit. There was a fifty-fifty chance I could walk into someone. But before I could run through the facts and decide which way to leave, Logan strolled in from the lounge. It seemed to me when he saw me he took a glance and a sniff at the room.

"He's not in here," I stated knowing it was Ben he was expecting to find in here with me. Of course, by the time I had said it, he already knew. I stared at him as he walked pass me to the refrigerator. No 'good morning' or 'hey, kid'? I turned and watched him open the fridge and search around, and then decided to leave.

"Wait, kid. We need to talk," he proclaimed pulling a beer out of the refrigerator and then turning to watch at me. I stopped in the doorway and turned to face him. What would he want to talk about? I had not given him any reason to want to talk to me, had I?

"The other night, Thursday…." Damn it. I did not like where this was heading, at all. What had his suspicion developed from? He paused making sure I was listening. "I smelt some blood on you. You said something about a paper cut, but-"

I knew what he would say. A paper cut would not produce as much blood as he had smelt. I do not know why I had expected him to be satisfied with that lullaby, but I had, especially, since he had not brought it up earlier. Why had he waited so long to confront me about it?

"What are you getting at?" I asked interrupting him. Why make what could be short long? I leaned back against the doorway waiting for him to continue. He opened his drink and took a sip. Was he stalling because he sure as hell was taking his time? I looked behind me into the lounge. No sign of anyone else's being awake yet.

"Where'd the blood come from and what was really going on?" he asked. I was guessing he would not take 'I hadn't eaten all day' as an excuse. And no way in hell would my being on my period roll over with him. I was stuck, trapped and could not find anyway out this time. He looked aggravated at my silence.

"You'll tell Cyke everything, but you won't tell me shit," he spit out. My eyes widened at that. He thought I was holding out on him for Scott. Would he believe me if I said I was not? I pushed myself from the wall, supporting myself on my own two feet and opened my mouth to counter him, but he continued.

"Look, Marie. You can tell Scooter all your little secrets, but I don't think this should qualify as one of them. When there's blood and your acting drugged involved-" He made it seem as if Scott and I gossiped together like Kitty and Jubilee. I knew he was worried, but I seriously hoped he did not think Scott had drugged me. If he did, where did he think the blood came from?

"Scott didn't drug me," I stated. He looked as if he was having a hard time accepting that one. I do not know why. He knew Scott just as well as I did, if not better from being in the X-Men. It should not have even been a possibility to him.

"Logan, I don't think you should worry about last Thursday anymore. It won't happen again. Ever," I told him. I would make sure of that. If this was the consequence, then Thursday's series of events would never take place again. I really had not meant for it to go as far as my needing escorting or for there to have been a scene or for there to be this much suspicion.

"That wasn't the first time. When I came back here you had a different smell. I never put two and two together until Thursday. Blood. There was just never enough until Thursday," I had not started cutting until after Logan left which would explain my smelling different to him. I could not believe this. In one night I had managed to screw everything up. I knew this meant that he would be keeping a closer eye on me until he figured out what was wrong with me. And I did not want that. Damn it, I did not want that. I shook my head, denying everything he had just said. I was being backed farther and farther into the corner, and I was ready to lash out. I turned and walked out the entrance.

"Marie," he called catching up with me. He grabbed my arm whipping me around. I instinctively tried to shove him away, but he only tightened his grip and grabbed my other arm. I did not know what the hell was I doing. I knew I was only making things worse. But I could not stay. It was too much of a risk.

"You're just going to leave like that in the middle of the conversation? What's wrong with you? What the hell are you hiding?" he growled. I shrunk back letting myself go limp in his grip. I had no chance of escaping anyway. I brought my gaze to his and shook my head and barely managed to murmur out a 'nothing'.

"I-If it was important I'd tell you, Logan. I'd tell you _first_, okay?" I informed him quietly and somewhat angrily. That was after all what he would what to hear. I dropped my gaze from his to his chest. Regret about Thursday fully set in. I had seriously screwed everything up, and this would not be the last meeting I had about Thursday. It was inevitable. He loosened his grip from my arms. I did not budge an inch. He sighed maybe realizing he would get nothing out of me now, maybe later, and dropped his hands from my arms completely. I stood there until he left into the kitchen.

I released my grasp from the side bar as I stumbled up the last step of the stairs. I was going to go to my room and go straight to sleep. I prayed that Tess would still be sleeping when I got back or at least be gone. I keep thoughts of my bed in my mind as I walked down the hall head down staring at the floor. 

"Move," someone said as they bumped into my shoulder. It had been purposely because I had been walking along the wall of one side of the hall. I looked up pissed to see Bobby and groaned inwardly. What the hell did he want? How would he antagonize me now? I rolled my eyes and continued down the hall.

"Why are you up so early?" he asked, walking behind me now. He wanted to start a conversation? Did he want to act as if we were friends? I remembered the apology he had once offered me and cursed myself for having ever believed him. I ignored him and continued walking. Was it too much to ask him to never speak, look or make contact with me? He grabbed my arm and pushed me forcefully against the wall.

"I ask you a fucking question and you act like a bitch in return," he stated wrathfully. I looked down at his hand on my arm. Had he just thrown me up against the wall? I tried to pull from the wall and his grip only to be pushed back against the wall and have his grip tighten.

"Fuck off," I retorted. His seeking of violence seemed to me a bit over reactive. I noticed the two black eyes that Ben had given him, and I let a small smile crept onto my face. He looked confused at my insulting him and then smiling.

"I'd watch what I said if I were you. Your new boyfriend isn't here to save you," he responded letting my arm go. He was looking for revenge on Ben? Was he was going to try to get his revenge against Ben on me? I rolled my eyes again knowing most likely he was.

"I guess not. Lucky you," I replied turning to walk away. His antics were getting tiring, and I was getting annoyed. And my bed awaited me. He could find a way to deal with his anger and embarrassment in another way or on someone else. "Asshole."

He grabbed my arm suddenly, pulling me back and twisting me around and then roughly shoving me back. I tripped over my twisted feet and fell backwards straight on my butt and hands. I looked up at Bobby with my mouth hanging open, astonished that at his sudden outburst of violent aggression. He looked exceedingly incensed as he glowered down at me. My thoughts were centered on what he was trying to do. My astonished look faded into an equally irate glare. I tried to stand up quickly, but my effort was received with a swift kick to my arm, which knocked it from under me and landed me on my back.

"What do you what?" I asked fumingly. What was happening? Never in any of his fits of rage had Bobby ever gone so far as to forcefully jostle me to the ground. He narrowed his eyes as he hovered over me, and took a step with one foot over me. He presently had one foot on each side of me. He obviously thought he was in full control by the sneer on his face. He had better had a point in all his antics for wasting me time like this. His stare was cold and apathetic but concurrently riled.

"You wanna know what _I_ want? I wanna know why you'd choose him over me," he requested dropping roughly to his knees. He looked at me with a face that clearly expected a full-out explanation. He had an almost anxious expression, but it remained still above all an infuriated one. He was doing _this_ now and was asking me _why_ I would choose Ben over him? I took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. I could have been in the bed by now or close to it. He leaned forward now bringing his head into my line of sight and raised an eyebrow demandingly. What had ever given him reason to believe he had ever been in the selection?

"Get OFF me!" I screamed stridently trying to sit up. He raised an eyebrow challengingly, and then spread his legs farther apart so that he was presently straddling me. He had forced me back down and had me pinned to the floor with his weight on my abdomen, which had made struggling incredulously arduous, but I did not waste any time hesitating.

"What did he do? What'd he say?" he asked me. Would this be some kind of closure, my telling him why I had chosen Ben over him? I stared at him disbelievingly. The look on his face told me he expected a full-out explanation. He perused my face, waiting for his answer. I sent him a glower unwilling to answer his questions. I tried to push him away, but he just leaned forward against my force, grinning evilly. He brought his hands up and placed them over mine, covering them on his chest. He looked down at our hands suddenly and brought them out in front of him. I tried to pull them away from him, but he had realized that he was holding my bare hands in his and maintained his grasp.

"You can control it?" he stated more than questioned, his sentence faded. He grinned and entwining his fingers with mine. He could be as surprised as he wanted, but what the hell did he think was happening? A bonding? I tugged my arms back trying to break from his clasp. He opened his mouth to say something, but I did not give him the chance.

"GET OFF ME!" I screamed. What was his purpose in doing this? Torture? Kicking did not help any, which made my legs absolutely futile. I was partially immobilized beneath him, and he had seized my hands. The part of me that had wanted to avoid Ben forever now desperately wanted his help. Bobby shifted atop of me, grinding into me, causing a groan of pain to escape my mouth.

"And what I don't understand is how you had him but you let him go… for Ben," he divulged. His tongue made a short appearance over his bottom lip, and never did he remove his eyes from mine. My eyebrows rose in shock, and my mouth parted as I had started to say something but forgot. What had he just said? He had not been talking about Ben at all. He had meant John the entire time. He wanted to know why I had chosen his best friend over him. Everything had suddenly taken an interesting turn, but I was nonetheless pissed.

"Don't you think it's _obvious_ why I would never choose you?" I asked in a callous, stoic voice intended to hurt. His eyes were fixed on mine, his eyebrows furrowed slightly with perplexity. He was searching for sympathy, and I meet his gaze with an expression that matched my voice. He leaned down and I thought maybe he would threaten or spit on me, but then he closed his eyes and he kissed me. It was not long or ardent; In contrast, it was soft and undemanding. There was no tongue. It had not even been open mouth. In fact, everything about it opposed his persona. He pulled up, and I stared at him wordless. For a moment I felt true empathy towards him, and then that moment passed. He had long ago crossed the fucking line. I do not know what he had expected me to do. Hug him, pull him back down into a fervid kiss, tell him I loved him, but he sure as hell had not expected-

"I still don't like you, and I don't think I ever will," and I did not give a damn if that had been ruthless. I did not care if he had changed in that moment, and most likely he had _not_. Did he not remember the apology he had once taken and had so quickly thrust aside? He had forcefully thrown me against a wall, flung me to the ground, straddled me, kissed me and expect me to what- fall right in love with him? His eyebrows furrowed at my response. He was perplexed at first, then ireful at my response. He cursed under his breath glaring at me.

"God, I hate you," he told me, flinging my hands to the floor. Did he think I cared or had not already figured out his love-hate feelings for me? He stood up from his straddling position and stepped from over me. I pushed myself up with my arms only to again have them kicked from under me and to experience falling onto my back once again. He hovered over me for a moment looking down into my eyes before he walked away. How else had I expected him to handle his anger? Asshole.

I closed the drawer and sat on the side of my bed, my razor encased in my hand. Opening my hand, I stared at the metal that lay in it. I do not know why I had taken it out. I would only be tempted to use it. I was torturing myself having it out in my hand because there was no way I could possibly use it after today's run in with Logan. I could not risk it. I would not risk it. But damn it I needed it. I continued staring at the razor in my hand. This could be called a test of my self-restraint. The door burst open and Kitty, Tess and Jubilee entered the room. I jumped up from my bed startled.

"Hello," Tess greeted me with a smile. I pasted on a feigned grin that did not stay on my face for long. Kitty and Jubilee gave me their greetings as they walked to Tess's bed sat down. I sat back down on my bed and slide my hand under the pillow leaving my razor there before I removed my hand. Tess came and sat next to me. A little too close, I thought as she turned and smiled at me. They were all silently staring at me.

"What do you want?" I asked. Tess looked offended. They were in here staring at me obviously for a reason, and if they were trying to keep it a secret they were doing a horrible job. I raised my eyebrows questioningly waiting for my answer. I repeated my question, and Tess answered.

"We're gonna spend the whole day with you, so you don't have to be under the bad influence of Ben. I heard about his little… '_outburst'_ last night, and I think- we think that you should spent less time with him and more time with us," Kitty and Jubilee nodded supportively. "I'm pretty sure we could get Logan to take us to the mall. Oh wait, no. Jean will probably want to come. She probably won't even let us go if we asked. She's still not over Tuesday. At least Ben did one good thing and got us out of library duty. Scott! Scott could take us!"

"Yes! That's like the greatest idea I've ever heard," Kitty commented grinning wildly. That had been predictable. I rolled my eyes. Ben might not be the best influence, but they were not any better. And they thought they knew what was best for me?

"I don't want to go to the mall, and that's where I met Ben anyway," I stated. What would be the point of going to the mall to keep me away from a guy I had met there? Could they not just go to Jubilee and Kitty's room and watch TV? I scooted over a little from Tess.

"Fine, we'll stay here. And talk," Tess replied to Jubilee and Kitty's dismay. I bit my bottom lip. Was 'talking' the code for Britney and peppermint facemask? I looked at Jubilee and Kitty. The both stared at me pleadingly. At least at the mall I would not always have to be in the same room with all three of them. I could avoid Ben and Bobby a lot better if I was not in the same building as them, and I would not be tempted to play with my razor. They all squealed and grinned wildly when I gave in. We walked down to the game room, Tess, Kitty and Jubilee leading the way as I followed.

"I'll go find him," Tess said, as she left the room. There were a couple of other students in the room. Apparently, Kitty and Jubilee knew some of them because they left me to go talk to them. I could do without. I walked into the lounge, grabbed the remote control and sat down the couch. How would I get Tess to keep her nose out of my business? She obviously thought it belonged there and had no problem showing it. Maybe I could hit her with the same exact speech she gave Logan. I heard someone walk up behind the couch, but paid him no attention.

"What are you watching?" a familiar voice questioned. A familiar voice I thought I would never hear speak to me again. I turned around gaping at John surprised and nervous. My mouth had decided to shut down and stop working, so I shrugged as an answer. He looked down from the TV to watch me silently. I tried to read his face, figure out if he had any idea about my recent encounter with Bobby, but I could not handle being under his perusal and instead turned around pretending to watch the TV. I heard him move and I thought he had been leaving, but to my astonishment he walked around the couch. I scooted over to make room for him, trying to keep my eyes locked on the TV the entire time.

"Is this a good commercial?" I shrugged, turning to him confused, "It's just that you're staring intensely at the TV."

Where the hell was Tess? It did not take forever to find a person in this house. I looked at him wanting to actually say something instead of shrug to find he was watching me. I handed him the remote control. He took it from my hand and started surfing through the channels, stopping at some sports channel with an acronym for a name.

"Can I still call you Marie?" he asked unexpectedly. I opened my mouth, surprised, and hoping something explicable would come out. Did that mean he had actually forgiven me? _He_ was talking to _me_ and there was no acrimony or insensitivity in his voice. I closed my mouth when I realized nothing was coming and nodded.

"He said YES, and he's waiting out in the car now! Jubilee and Kitty are already…." Tess had run into the lounge and practically right over the couch. Her sentence had stopped abruptly when she saw John and her mouth was hanging wide open. I stood up from the couch, gave John a quick good-bye and left for the garage.

Tess had asked that we take the explorer-the same car she had stolen, kidnapped me in, and driven to the mall. I glared at her remembering how that night had gone. Kitty and Jubilee were already in the back of the car and Tess joined them. I was forced to take the front seat, not that I minded. It would not take me long to decide whose company I would preferred.

"I didn't think you were coming," Scott greeted. He had good reason not to considering how much I hated malls now more than ever. I looked into the back seat. Jubilee, Kitty and Tess were already deep into their conversation. I turned back to Scott and shrugged.

"Neither did I," I answered. I could not figure out why John had decided to talk to me. He had obviously forgiven me, but why? I had not given him any reason to. Maybe he just wanted to be friends again. I relaxed in my chair expecting the ride to the mall and back to be the only times I would enjoy. That was until a song came on the radio that caught Kitty and Jubilee and Tess's attention. Jubilee started singing and was soon joined by Tess and Kitty. I jumped, startled, in my seat at how strident their voices were. I could swear that Scott had swerved the car in alarm.

"I LOVE ROCK 'N' ROLL! SO COME AND TAKE SOME TIME AND DANCE WITH ME!" Tess, Jubilee and Kitty all sang simultaneously. I exhaled in relief as I realized that to my delight the song had ended. I now officially hated the song and would be exhilarated to never hear it again. Was there _supposed_ to be a dull ringing in my ear? Torment was what this ride had been so far. They had decided to _sing_ on the way to the mall. Not talk or be _quiet_ but _sing_. Not just to that first song that had long ago ended, but also to every other song they knew the words to which had so far been every _freaking_ _song_. Scott did not seem to mind though. I think he had trained himself to block them out and go into his own peaceful world. I envied him now. If only I could do the same, and damn I tried. But every time their voices managed to break into my head and ruin my attempt.

"Yes! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" I whispered as they settled down. I decided to make my move and promptly turned off the radio before another song could come on. They could deal and would have to. Who's damn idea had the radio been anyway? Piece of trash. I sat back in my seat enjoying the silence while I could.

"Oh, do you remember Duck Tales?" Jubilee asked. I could practically hear their nods of excitement. There was talk about how they all had loved the show when they were younger. Watched it everyday, blah, blah. I did not care as long as they were not singing. I myself vaguely remembered the title and characters and the… theme song.

"Life is like a hurricane / Here in Duckburg / Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes / It's a duck-blur / Might solve a mystery / Or rewrite history / **DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ **Everyday they're out there making **/ **DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** Tales of daring do bad and good **/ **LuckTales (oooh ooooh)**," I slid down in my seat wishing I were dead or deaf swearing I would kill all three of them when we stepped out of this car. Could they not find anything better to do? I groaned wanting to scream in pain. I could feel a headache coming on and tried to let my thoughts wander to different things.

"When it seems they're heading for the / Final curtain / Cool deduction never fails / That's for certain / The worst of messes / Become successes / **DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ **Everyday they're out there making **/ **DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ **Tales of daring do bad and good **/ **LuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you/There's a stranger out to find you/What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales," I slid farther into my seat and brought my hands up to my head cover my ears as I slid _farther_ down in my seat, "**DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ **Everyday they're out there making**/**DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** Tales of daring do bad and good **/ **LuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you / There's a stranger out to find you / What to do? Just grab on to some ..."

I could finally see the mall coming into view. I sat up in my seat and my face practically flew to the window. My face was pressed up against the window, and my breath was fogging it. I now, more than I had ever in my life, wanted to be inside that building, out of this car and away from their voices.

"**DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** Everyday they're out there making **/ **DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ **Tales of daring do bad and good **/** LuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** Everyday they're out there making **/** DuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/** Tales of daring do bad and good **/** LuckTales (oooh ooooh) **/ Not pony tales or cotton tales, no DuckTales (ooh ooooh)," I thought the song had ended but every couple of seconds they 'oooh ooooh'ed. I turned around facing them.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. They all jumped back eyes wide, but more importantly, mouths _shut_. I turned back around the death glower still lingering along with my bad mood. My screaming had brought Scott out of his trance. He looked at me startled. I narrowed my eyes warningly and slumped back down in my seat, annoyed that I had to even go through that. Why had I not done that earlier? I scolded myself for not stopping before they had gotten through the first song. The ride on the way back would include no music. I would make sure of that.

"We were done _anyway_," Tess mumbled crossly. I rolled my eyes and decided that she would be the first to die for talking to me in that tone of voice. Could she not tell how irritated I was with her and her voice? I was tempted to turn around and tell her off, but I was too lazy, and I did not want to start anything. The car turned and entered the parking lot. Time to walk around the fucking mall and look at all the fucking stuff. How fun. Scott cleared his throat.

"Am I staying or dropping you off?" he asked after he parked the explorer. There was silence for a moment until Tess and I answered simultaneously and contrastingly. There was another silence. He still had not been answered correctly. She reiterated that he was dropping us off. I told him that he was staying. I would not be left alone with them in the mall. Damn it, what was I _doing_ at the mall?

"You're supposed to be spending time with _us_," Tess stated. No, I was supposed to be spending time away from Ben, and I was here was I not? That should be enough for her. I was nowhere near Ben. My mood must have carried over to her because she sounded how I felt. She should be scolding _herself_ if anybody. She wanted me with John, and he had been talking to me, and now I was _here_. Kitty and Jubilee opened the doors and stepped out of the car. I sat up and turned around facing her.

"We're going to _be_ in the same building," I pointed out before I opened the door and hopped out of the car. She stepped out of the car, slammed the door and sent me a glower, and I sent her one right back.

"You're not even near him and he has an affect on you," she mumbled. She had not just pulled that card. I rolled my eyes. Ben had nothing to do with her not being able to sing, and I told her this. She decided to pretend she had not heard that and catch up with Kitty and Jubilee instead.

"Thanks," I told Scott as we followed Kitty, Tess and Jubilee into the mall, "for not making me suffer alone."

"You're welcome. How long do you think we'll be here? Thirty minutes, an hour?" he asked curiously. I turned to him trying to figure out if he was joking. Jubilee turned around and nodded not really paying attention to what he had asked. Scott turned to me as we followed them.

"Are you going to buy anything?" Scott asked me. I had not thought about buying anything, only being dragged around the mall all day. What could I buy at the mall? I did not need anything. I remembered suddenly what had Ben had said about my clothes. Did my wardrobe really need to be improved? I thought about it for a second and realized that I was asking myself if I needed to buy new clothes because a guy had criticized my style.

"No," I answered. What the hell did Ben know about clothes anyway, other than how to take them off? He gave new meaning to 'it's what's inside that's important'. The mall was not that crowded, but it was nowhere near as empty as it hand been Tuesday night. Jubilee, Kitty and Tess walked into The Limited®™©, and Scott and I sat on one of the benches in the middle of the walkway. I watched the people walk by as we waited for Tess, Kitty and Jubilee. I was not surprised to find that a couple of people were staring at Scott and me. His glasses and the impression of gothic prudence that my clothes gave off made us a very conspicuous couple. Not to mention that Tess, Jubilee and Kitty were especially easy on the eyes. At least I did not have to wear my gloves anymore.

"How'd your meeting go with the professor go?" Scott asked grabbing my attention. I willed my eyes away from the crowd. My meeting with the Professor had been the same as always. Though the exercises had been much easier. They would not have to continue for too much longer. I answered that it had gone well. 

"Did he ask you about Thursday?" he asked. The Professor did not know about Thursday, and that's the way it would stay. He did not need to know what was not important, and I did not need any more eyes watching everything I did. I shook my head.

"Logan did," I answered recalling breakfast. He had basically told me he was on me. There was not much he did not know. He needed only one hint before he could figure it out. He had only to talk to Tess, and if he ever did, I hoped that she would give nothing away. I turned back to observing the crowd.

"He thinks I tell you everything," I informed Scott. Logan had not said it, but it was obvious he still did not like my relationship with Scott. He probably would get over it on day. A guy walked by flagrantly staring at me. I turned away and looked for Jubilee, Kitty and Tess to come out of the store.

"They're not all staring at you because of your clothes or your hair," Scott said. Was that some kind of condolence? I shrugged, not really caring anymore. It did not bother me much any more anyway. I had been stared at before and I knew how to ignore it now.

"I'll be right back," he stood up and walked into The Limited®™©. Why was he leaving me here alone? I stared anxiously at the entrance waiting for him to come back out. People walked in and people walked out, but I did not see Scott. He could not have and better not have been shopping with them. Finally, he walked out of the store over to me.

"Come on, we'll come back later," he stated motioning for me to get up. Did that mean we were leaving the mall and would come back later to pick Tess, Jubilee and Kitty up? I stood up following him through the crowd, praying that he was not just dragging me along while he shopped also. That did not seem like something he would do though.

"Where are we going?" I asked finally in the car as he started the ignition. I had obediently followed him through the crowd, out of the mall, into the parking lot and in the car, the whole time not knowing what to expect. And when I had finally figured that luck was with me and we were leaving the mall, I could only wonder how had he gotten Tess to agree to my leaving. Maybe he had used a lie. Or maybe Tess had been caught at a very vulnerable time. Neither made a difference to me, and I was grateful that I did not have to stay.

"When's the last time you ate?" Scott asked, turning to look at me. It seemed a little erratic seeing as my question had not been answered, but his expression explained it all. Thursday and my excuse were back to hunt me. Weird because I thought he had not accepted my pretext. I answered that I had eaten breakfast this morning after meeting with the Professor. He nodded and looked at the car clock, which showed it was twelve fifty.

"You want to get some food?" he asked. Not that I was not hungry, but I did not really have a choice considering the current circumstances. I nodded approvingly. I wondered were we could go because I had not seen many restaurants on the way. But Scott had lived in Westchester a lot longer than I had, and I trusted him not to take me to some black-tie restaurant. We ended up going to a place in North Salem. It was a casual bar& grill restaurant, and to my satisfaction, it was not very crowded. I looked around and saw that a couple of TV's were suspended above, on the walls. This was someplace I might actually go if I ever bothered to leave the mansion.

I chose a table and sat down while Scott ordered. Looking around, I saw that the place was almost empty. I wondered what kind of traffic they normally received around lunch. It did not take long for us to get our food, seeing as Scott had been the only one in line. I looked up at the TV as I chewed my food. There was some hockey game playing. I turned and looked at another TV to see a baseball game. I was interested in neither and turned in my chair to look behind me at the last TV. To my dismay a soap opera was on. I turned back around, defeated, to find that Scott had finished eating and was watching me. I swallowed my last bite and looked at him questioningly.

"What?" I asked awkwardly. He had been unusually unvoiced the whole time, and I had not really noticed it until now. It was obvious that he had something on his mind whether he wanted to share it or not. He shook his head. Any other time I would have let it go, but I was feeling somewhat annoyed and oddly bold.

"I ate everything. You saw. And I'll eat again tomorrow and the day after," I stated. I knew though, that he still had not accepted my old excuse. It was evident to me from just looking at him now. And he made it more evident when he nodded and said-

"Are you hiding something? I'd maybe believe you if you said 'nothing' except you've been acting… different since Thursday, and Logan came to me yesterday after dinner and asked if you'd told me anything important recently," Scott stated. I blinked, dumbfounded. I could now feel every drop of boldness drain out of my body. Damn it, why did I not know when to keep my fucking mouth shut? Maybe now was the time to say something, but I did not. Instead I occupied myself with a fry.

"Rogue, you and Logan are obviously close. I know he's in your head and," Close? Since when were Logan and I close? What was his evidence for that? When was our last _decent_ conversation? When was the last time we had hung out? And as for him being in my head, he did not bother me nearly as much as he once did, "for him to come to me and ask if you'd told me anything is-"

"He's paranoid," I stated before eating another fry. Maybe that hockey game could be of some interest to me. I looked up to see someone get slammed into the wall. Oh how nice. Scott obviously had expected some kind of denial.

"Even so, I'm the last person he would _chose_ to come to," he informed me. Logan did not hate Scott as much as he might have thought he did. And he had not had any reason to after he and Jean got together until Scott and I started eating dinner together. I shrugged wanting this conversation to end. 

"Maybe he thought I was telling you all my '_little secrets_'," I stated, bitterly reciting Logan's exact words. He dropped the conversation, seeing as it was not going anywhere, and asked if I was done eating. I nodded, now unable to look him in the face. The ride to the mall started off silently, which made me intolerably uncomfortable.

"Have you met Ben yet?" I asked, wanting to break the silence. It was the first thing that had popped into my mind that had nothing to do with Thursday, and had seemed like a legitimate convo starter _before_ it left my mouth. I turned to Scott waiting for his answer and saw that he was starting to grin. What the hell did that mean?

"Not yet…Tess mentioned something about him," He answered. Tess had mentioned Ben? When had this happened? I was curious to know what she had said. Had she ranted to Scott about Ben when she was trying to get him to take us to the mall? I immediately asked what she had mentioned. He cleared his throat and was silent for a moment.

"… She basically said he was a bad influence on you, which is why you're here. He's using you… physically, and she's trying to get you to break up with him. And then she'll try to get you and Roberto together," he recited. She had told him all this when she was convincing him to drive us. I rolled my eyes. I picture her rambling and ranting on. She really was a control freak, and hearing that had only given me the desire to prove her 'fears' right. Physically. That no doubt meant sexually. I tried to think where she had gotten the idea that we had already had sex. This was only his second day here. Tess determination showed in her planning to get Roberto and I together. I did not even know Roberto that well. What I did know was his name and face.

"We're not dating, we're not having sex, and she's definitely _not_ hooking me up with anybody," I told him. He seemed a little uncomfortable with the subject, so I turned the radio on, and we rode in silence with an exception of the radio, but this silence was comfortably accepted. When we arrived at the mall Tess, Jubilee and Kitty were amazingly ready to leave.

"There were, like, no cute guys anywhere," Jubilee told us as she got into the car. Tess indubitably agreed with her. I could here their bags as they settled into their seats. I did not bother turning around to see how many they had. I turned off the radio, unwilling to give opportunity a chance. They did not notice.

"That's so not, like, true. There was one," Kitty stated factually, and then giggled. We pulled out of the parking lot and headed back for the mansion. I had a feeling she meant Scott, and could practically hear Jubilee roll her eyes. It _was_ getting somewhat annoying. Obsession itself was irritating.

"…Oh my gawd, shut up! Stupid girl," Jubilee demanded. I sat low in my seat still able to see over the dashboard and trying to get used to the loss of peace for shallow conversation. Tess had not exactly caught on. She asked if they had talked to him. I stopped listening somewhere around there, and I let their voices fade out.

"Rogue… Rogue," Scott called. I sat up in my seat and blinked a couple of times. I saw that we were parked in the garage again and realized that we were back at the mansion. The back door shut as Tess, Jubilee and Kitty had stepped out of the car, and I thanked Scott for lunch.

"You're welcome," he replied. I stepped out of the car, and followed the girls into the entrance feeling suddenly tired. I realized that I had never gotten the sleep I had intended to have. I resolved that it was the first thing I would do. Tess stopped me in front of Kitty and Jubilee's room, and held out a bag. What, did she want me to put it in the closet for her? I took it from her hand.

"Your wel-_come_," she said. I looked up at her, eyebrows raised. It was for me? She had actually bought me something? I mumbled a thank you and continued down the hall. Wondering what it was, I looked down into the bag as I walked to my room. An outfit. How _thoughtful_ of her. It looked like something I would not wear. I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Where have you _been_ all day?" I looked up to see Ben standing outside my room, leaning against the wall. I had enough sympathy for him to hope that he had not stood out there all day. I walked up to him, hoping he did not want me to spend time with him _now_. I hoped he would not limit himself to only hanging out with me, also, for his sake. And mine.

"Out," I answered, punching in my code. I was incredibly enervated. I wondered if he had seen Bobby today. I hoped he had not, for I would have missed truly missed all the fun. I had to admit I had enjoyed their going at each other the other day before they had started fighting. Maybe it was because I was just as depraved of entertainment as the rest of the students were. But was that my fault? He did not say anything as he watched. I placed my hand on the knob.

"Can I come in?" he asked. I stopped in mid-twist and stared down at my hand. I think he had gotten the idea yesterday that we would not be having sex. If he had not, I could always remind him. I looked up, and handed him the bag. He looked down at it confused.

"… Sure."

XII. Inquisition

AA/N: ::infomercial voice:: Do _you_ want to get notified when I update?  Send me your email address today!


	13. Addiction

A/N: Thanks Lucky and Saskia and iris for your reviews and thanks randi for your advice.  You have no idea how much you helped me.  And thank you Kalen and Tatiana and chiang for the support.  Come on people, FOUR more reviews! Stop teasing me! Please! PLEASE! ::cries:: Please with applesauce and sprite on top?  This chapter is pretty short I should have posted it a while ago, but I thought I would add sooner or later.  Next chapter won't be up probably for another two-three weeks with finals coming up and all.  So thanks for the reviews and keep reviewing please.

(Sunday, 24 November 2002 – Saturday, 27 November 2002)

XIII. Addiction

"What's this?" Ben asked, opening and looking into the bag.  He reached in and pulled out the clothes and let the bag drop to the floor.  I turned, curious also to see what kind of outfit Tess had gotten me.  He shook the clothes out, raising his eyebrows in incredulity and amusement.

"Sic," I whispered to myself.  The outfit was not that bad.  Not inappropriate, even.  Just something I would never wear.  I could tell the shirt would expose my mid-drift, stopping well above my bellybutton, and the pants- they would be tight, practically painted on.  If I did not know better, I would think Tess did not know my clothes size.

"You gonna put this on?" Ben asked, smiling.  He would enjoy the sight no doubt, but it was not going to happen.  Why was Tess going out of her way to change me anyway?  I personally was starting to find it insulting.  I shook my head.

"Why not?  That's what you bought it for," he responded. "I personally wanna see you in this."

"I don't care," I answered.  I really did not give a fuck what he wanted.  He could want all he wanted, but that did not mean he would get it.  I could feel myself getting angry at I do not know what.  I started thinking about how I would tell Tess I did not want the outfit.  I did not think I could give it away to someone.  She might recognize it.  Maybe I could burn it, and say I had lost it.  Or I could just tell her I did not want the shit.  I rubbed my eyes tiredly, and stretched out my arms above my head, turning to face my bed.  I could now tell that the source of my aggravation was from sleep deprivation.  I thought about saying sorry to Ben, but decided against it.

"Tired?" he asked.  I could not tell if that was concern I had heard in his voice.  Maybe he was worried that he would have no one to hang around.  That was more the reason to go to sleep.  It would be a push; a good push in the right direction towards the door.  He needed to make some friends.

"Did you want something?" I asked, turning around to look at him.  He had been waiting outside my door; maybe he had something to share.  He tossed the outfit towards me, and I stepped aside, dodging it.  He looked at it on the floor.

"You're supposed to catch it," I shrugged. "I wanted to know where you were 'cause as you know, I couldn't find you.  So you go to the mall or something?  Why didn't you tell me?  I would have gone."

There were so many ways I could tell him why Tess had dragged me along to the mall, "You weren't wanted."

He stared mutely at me, and I turned away again.  I do not where my surge of wanting to hurt came from.  Maybe it was left over from Bobby.  I had not really gotten to do much on him.  I think maybe I was irritated with Ben for even starting with Bobby.  None of the earlier events with Bobby would have happened if he had not fought Ben.  He might have glared and kept walking giving me no bruises.  No kiss.  I could only guess what kind of new mixed signals I would be getting from Bobby later.  I sighed frustrated, reminding myself of how much I did not like him.  I could not blame Ben for any of the shit that had happened no matter how much I tried.  It was not his fault Bobby was an ignorant asshole.

"Tess has forbidden me from hanging out with you," I explained.  It was the best thing I could choke out.  I did not think he needed an apology, and I could not give him one on account of my pride.  

I knew I would have to start watching what I said.  Not just around him, but Tess, Logan everyone.  I could not let my anger start talking for me, not if I wanted there to be a chance for everything to be normal again.  I gritted my teeth.  Everything to be normal?  Who the fuck was I trying to fool?  I knew the chances of that happening _here_ had the same chances of Tess going Goth.

"Forbidden?" I shrugged. "You're seeing me now."  I shrugged again.  I had never said I would comply.  She was not my goddamn mother.  I would have to put more thought into what I would say to Tess later.  Maybe it would turn out better if I went impromptu.  I could figure she would be mad, but could not predict her full out reaction.  I finally turned back to him.

"I forgot what you wanted," I said.  I was tired, not wanting to pay much attention to this conversation.  _He_ looked sort of confused, nervous, intimidated for a change as he stared at me.  I stared back impassively.

"I could come back later," he suggested.  I could feel the corners of my mouth raising as I turned towards my bed.  That was a good idea.  Give me some time to sleep, and hopefully give him some time to make some friends.  I kicked off my shoes and pulled back the comforter only. "If you want to."

"Damn, you're so confusing.  You keep giving away all these mixed signals." Had I been?  I could not help it that I was confused.  Mixed signals.  Damn, I hoped I was not acting like Bobby.  He stepped closer to me. "You keep looking at the bed and then at me, but yesterday after I… you left.  And you seemed angry just a minute ago.  And now you're gonna get in your bed, and you're telling me I can leave if I _want_."

I had _meant_ he could come back if he wanted.  I thought about it and he was right, maybe I was sending off mixed signals like a screwed-up radio-- including the entire time I had been asking myself if I wanted anything to do with him--, but he had always seemed to want to move too fast when I showed him I had any interest in him.  So how was I to get want I wanted to say across to him without him misinterpreting anything?  Without sending any mixed signals?

I dropped my gaze from his.  Why was I even stressing myself out over this?  Over him?  I did not have the energy to 'unmix' any of the signals I had sent him right now, and I could be doing better things.  Maybe not what others would call better but at least less stressful things.  No, I remembered, I could not.  Not any time soon anyways, unless I got lucky, and the Professor found another lead for Logan to follow.  Then, he would be gone, and I could stop worrying about smelling like blood.  But I was not sure I wanted that.  For Logan to leave again.  Even though we did not talk that much, I did not think I wanted that.  This distressful thinking was bringing back my fatigue.  I could be sleeping, and sleeping was always good, but damn, I wanted to extinguish all this anxiousness with my razor.  Use the metal to release these feelings I dreaded having.  My memories-- the old memories I had of how good it felt to be touch willing-- were fading ,and I did know how much longer I could-.  My thoughts stopped abruptly as I noticed a hand sweeping a strand of hair from my face and stopping on my check.  I thought maybe it was John returning an old gesture and turned my head, leaning into the palm.  I had almost turned to press my lips into the hand when I remembered where I was and whom I was with.

I looked up and suddenly became aware of how close his face was to mine.  I scanned his face quickly, and my eyes shifted involuntarily to his lips for a moment.  As I opened my mouth to say something- I do not remember what-, I was stopped by his lips on mine.  

My mouth opened in a small gasp, but I did not try to stop him.  I did not want to stop him, and I could not.  Not now, not when the sensations were just starting. Not when there was electricity running through every nerve in my body.  He started varying the pressure of the kiss before he slipped me the tongue.  Not when his skin- his lips felt so good.  I closed my eyes for the first time in a kiss since Cody's.  And, damn, _did_ it feel good.  He placed his hand on my waist and tugged me closer towards him, removing the gap that lay between us, and started nibbling on my lower lip a little, and it was nice.  It was _more_ than nice.  Even though he had kissed me twice and Bobby had kissed me, too, it felt like the first time in years.  The smile came involuntarily.  I could not stop it.  All these feelings had started surfacing, and I was guiltlessly enjoying them.

I moaned into his mouth, and he took it as encouragement, pulling me tighter to him and kissing me harder, not nearly as tender as he had started.  I did not care at the moment that this was Ben and not John, or that this seemed remotely wrong.  I caught myself thinking that this felt too good to be wrong and started laughing.  He started to pull away, but I did not let him.  Not now, I thought.  _Please_, not now.  This felt almost as good as cutting.  He ran his hand up my back and then down, and it seemed his hand paused near my side, but he seemed to forget that when I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck, but a second later he started talking into the kiss.  I ignored him-- I did not want to talk, I did not want to listen--, and he did not say anything again until he ran his hand up my back again.

"Rogue, what's-?" he spun me swiftly to the side, not bothering to finish his sentence.  Raising my shirt up, he ran his hand over the bandage that I had placed over one of the larger cuts on my side.  I pulled away hastily and pulled my shirt down before he got a better look at what he did not need to see.  I had not covered every single cut.  I stepped back placing that space back in between us again.

"What was that?" he asked.  I stared at him mutely, but inside my mind I was panicking and cursing myself vociferously.  This would not have happened if I had not kissed him back.  I had done more than kiss him back- I tempted him, I encouraged him, I forced him.  I had _allowed_ him to kiss and touch me, and now.  Now he still did not know, but almost did!

"Hello?" he waved his hands in front of me.  His eyebrows were raised questioningly as he continued waiting for my answer.  I waited a moment until I was sure I would not stutter and stumble over my words.

"I, uh, cut myself on… something and went to Jean and she patched it up," I lied.  'I cut myself on something'?  Where had that come from?  I mentally shook my head in shame.  I seriously had anticipated for something more gullible to come out of my mouth.  I looked up, awaiting his response- hopefully an acceptance of the alibi.

"Really?  Let me see," he asked a little too eagerly, stepping closer and reaching out for the bandage.  I pulled back hurriedly, not willing to let him see anything.  I had not expected such an excited response, but then again was it really all that surprising?  Bad boy.  I shook my head and told him no and received a disappointed expression, almost a pout on the sorts.  It seemed he had let it go though when stepped closer to me, and wrapped an arm around my back again.  I caught his other hand as he brought it towards my waist.

"Um... you said you could come back later?" I stated more than questioned as he leaned forward for a kiss.  He stopped, taking in what I had just suggested, and then nodded.  I could see some of his disappointment, and felt guilty for a second.  But he would get over.  After all, I had asked him to come back.

"… Sure," he answered.  He leaned forward and kissed me anyway.  A goodbye kiss that left me thinking about our first… the memorable aggressiveness and the familiarity that had been tacit, at the time forced.  But it had been presently nonetheless satisfying.  No doubt for him, also, the kiss and the acceptance.  I ran my thumb over my lips as he closed the door behind him.  He was now gone, and yet he was the only thing on my mind.  I tried willing myself to think of other things, such as John, my razor, Logan, in a desperate attempt- Duck Tales, but they were only fleeting thoughts.  I was thinking I had found one more addiction.

XIII. Addiction


	14. Used

A/N: read and review this awesome story by kalen http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=525419. Yes! Thank you ilovetidus for updating http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=799737 !!! (Sorry babe, I didn't make the deadline. Ha! Not even by a freakin day. Sad.). I changed Johnnie to Johnny (slight technicality)… and I think I'm becoming shipper of St. John and Bobby (not for this story) thanks to Jenn's writings. Thanks Tatiana for the help with this chapter and Chiang, Bobbie, Kalen, ilovetidus and Bunny Angel for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(etc!) Thanks to all those who reviewed and whoever recc'ed, I love you! There's a quote you'll probably never recognize that I need to give _The Smiths_ crediting for. Credit to _Smiths_ for quote. Okay there.

Yeah, I know this is the longest you've been without, but Christmas break didn't count (ellipsis points) Okay, so I was just being lazy (and not to mention that I was never the type to finish a chapter very quickly). But I have every intension of _finishing_ this story, and hey the chapter's really long (nothing like 'erratic' though. I hope this is a good long cuz I didn't make it long on purpose) and there's some RYRO ::Screams, shouts and yells::!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me if I don't update as quickly as you would like me to. It's sort of hard to keep a story going and keep up my grades (i guess that 60 negates that 105 in Chemistry) at the same time due to my stupidity in course selecting (it's gonna be worse junior year, which is why this story will be finished by summer or in summer. Man, but not before the 2nd movie ::cries, sobs and … something::). Also, if you don't want to have to keep checking for **updates** and continuously be disappointed, write and tell me in a **review or** in an **email** your **email address **and I'll inform you when I update (yeah like a **mailing list**). 

Warning: There is lots of snogging and some **_serious_** fondalation but not _too_ serious, if you know what I mean, but serious, but not- also there's some coughnonryrostuffcough and um… lots of it, so forgive me… and excuse my use of the word snogging. Lol. Rolling on the linoleum (Lol Randi.) Yay, on to the chapter, finally, and then the **_REVIEWING_**! Awesome, my favorite part!

(Saturday, 29 December 2002 – Friday, February 07 2003) (told ya I'ma slow writer)

XIV. Used

The sound of the running shower leaked out from under the bathroom door along with a tolerable song and the horrible voice that was butchering it. The blanket, my pillows nor my attempt to mentally ignore it helped drone out the voice. At all. Sitting up hastily, I threw the covers and my pillows from my head, pushed myself off the bed and stood up. She must have entered the room while I had been sleeping. I noticed that the outfit she had given me was no longer sprawled across the floor; in contrast it had been carefully folded and positioned on the dresser. I thought about how she would indubitably scold me about its being thrown on the floor, which reminded me how it got there. I felt somewhat aghast with myself for the events that had followed the shirts landing. Damn, was I desperate enough to overlook everything I knew of Ben for a kiss? It _had_ been a good kiss though, a _really_ good kiss, and he was a _really_ good kisser. Okay so maybe from judging my thoughts, I _was_ desperate, but what I had was not bad.

I grabbed one of my black hoodies and all but slammed the door behind me as I rushed out of the room. So where was I to go now? I pulled the jacket on over my head and then turned and looked down the hallway and spotted a couple of students lingering around talking. Being that it was a Saturday afternoon, I assumed that most of the students would be active outside in the 'backyard' or in the game room. I turned and headed the usual way to the stairs, one hand in my jacket pocket, the other trailing along the wall as I walked down the hall.

"Hey," I looked up just in time to see Roberto walk pass me with an acknowledging nod. I managed to mutter a weak hey as I turned my head following him. Had Tess already talked to him? Did he know of her plans to try to hook us up? I turned back around with a glare on my face. Tess and I would definitely be talking _soon_. Or maybe it was a possibility that he was just saying hi? When I turned back around to glance at him, I found that he had done the same. I turned back around hurriedly embarrassed at being caught even though technically I had caught him. He had to know, I thought as I walked down the stairs. He had to be in on it. Tess would definitely face the consequences. Later anyway.

Students were walking in and out of the game room as I approached it. It would not be excessively crowded I hoped. As I walked in, I noticed that it had half the occupants it normally did, which by my standards was good enough for a visit. I stepped into the game room and stopped in the entrance as a sudden deluge of panic inundated over me. I stared blankly ahead of me at the students socializing.

"Excuse me," I turned around sharply, almost hitting the person behind me, who happened to be patiently waiting to try to get through the doorway. Mumbling out an apology, I stepped to the side of the doorway to let her walk through, then moved over farther from the entrance and took a seat on the floor out of the way and unnoticed. I studied the room of students, and the first thing I noticed was John and Bobby playing foosball across the room. I remembered playing with them the day Logan left for Canada and actually having fun.

I observed John as he played and mused over why I had turned him down last Thursday. It was clearly perceptible to me now that I had made a mistake. I had not even thoroughly thought my decision over or told him how I had felt. Why had I not just contemplated asking him if we could take things unhurriedly? If I had not panicked at the thought of being committed in a serious relationship- that would be my first- I would not have become maniac-depressed. Therefore I would not have tried to rid myself of self-pity with my razor and scared the hell out of Tess. I definitely would not have acted like an idiot on Thursday, Logan would have never smelled my blood, and he could go back to ignoring me rather than being on alert ever time I came near like Scott.

Just then, John hurriedly spun the handles and scored a goal. His look of determination quickly turned into a grin. If I had not turned him down, he would not hate me, Bobby would stop patronizing me and I would never have got involved with Ben. And although, I secretly found Ben attractive, I strongly disbelieved that he was right for me.

Not like I had choice anymore. John was unmistakably over being turned down, but piteously I was not. I sighed and perused the rest of the room, spotting Ben among the crowd playing air hockey. Well it was nice to see that he was socializing. Apparently he was finished with the game. He left the table and walked around the game room, stopping at random games and watching people play them. Maybe it was better that I was involved with Ben now rather than with John where I might have screwed everything up, which I doubt would have been good for my health. I mean there was virtually no chance of my messing anything up with Ben. At all. I knew for what reasons he was in, and clandestinely I knew they were the same as mine.

He stopped at the foosball table watching John and Bobby play. John glanced up to see who was hovering over him as he played and then hastily took a double take. Ben had by then caught Bobby's attention, and Bobby's expression swiftly changed to a hostile one, and both he and John stopped playing and stared at Ben, who looked back at both of them blankly. I would not have been astonished if he had forgotten the little quarrel they had had yesterday. It seemed Bobby asked him something because Ben nodded. He stepped closer and John reluctantly moved over, not looking too blithe. Apparently Ben was joining the game. My eyebrows shot up in shock that Bobby had asked him to join, and that he had accepted. Bobby was going to play with the boy who had given him two black eyes and a swift kick to his pride.

They started the game back up again, John and Ben against Bobby. It was not hard for me to choose a side to silently cheer on. I watched them play from my spot, staring at John and Ben, and then John, and Ben again, incessantly comparing the two and what I could have with either. The game was not that exciting from my spot and I had tired of regretting my decisions, so I decided to leave. I stood up, breaking my stare from the foosball table, walked the small distance to the door and left.

Differing from my normal aspirations, I actually hoped that Tess would be present when I entered our room. I was yearning to have our long awaited talk especially after having seen Roberto. I opened the door to my room and stepped in. Tess looked up at me from her bed.

"Where'd you go?" Tess inquired. She was sitting on the edge of her bed. What did it matter where I had been? Had she been expecting to talk to me, too? About Roberto? I responded that I had been to the game room. Her eyes widened in wonder, and then they narrowed in suspicion. I rolled my eyes already knowing what she was suspecting and waited for her to say it.

"Ben?" she asked, appalled. It pissed me off that she actually thought she had the right to know my motive for every thing. And _what_ _if_ I had been with Ben? I could spend every single second with him if I wanted, and she would have no say in it. I responded negatively.

"Tess, we need to talk," I stated. I walked over to my bed, her eyes following me, and sat down placing my hands back in my hoodie pocket. I took in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh. She raised an eyebrow inquisitively. How was I to do this? She had no idea what I was about to say, so I wanted to keep it short to avoid any problems, but I definitely did not want to forget anything.

"_Aboouut_?" she asked impatiently. I ran through the list in my head: John, Ben, clothes, my business, her business, her attitude. That seemed about right.

"I think you should mind your own business and stay outa mine. _Stop_ bugging me about John and stop bitchin' about Ben. Nothing you can say will change the way things are. Don't ever buy me an outfit again, please, but thanks for the one you got me," I proclaim as rapidly as I could. I looked at Tess waiting for my answer. She stared at me stolidly. What was she thinking? She shifted on her bed, I think processing everything I had just said. Then her expression unexpectedly went from an impassive one to an enraged one.

"WHAT?!" she yelled. I recoiled fearfully as she jumped up from her bed. "You want me to just stand back while you cluelessly let Ben use you when you could be with someone SO much better?"

"Who? Roberto!" I questioned angrily regaining my composure. She looked surprised at my mentioning his name. Had I been right? "Look Tess, it's just like what you said to Logan. I do _not_ appreciate your trying to run everything for me even if you are trying to help because I don't _need_ help!"

"That's not what I said," she replied prickishly. "And anyway I should have listened to Logan! Ben is just like Bobby, and he doesn't really like you!"

I clenched my jaw so extremely tightly that it felt as if my teeth would crack if I did not let off on some of the pressure soon. "Maybe I don't care! Maybe I _want_ to be used!" I shouted back at her standing up now to face her. Her brows knitted in uncertainty at the thought of my wanting to be used. She probably did not understand that at all, did not think it could be a possibility that I could be experimenting or just desperate for touch, for anything.

"What do you mean by that? You want him to use you until he's tired with you," I responded with an apathetic 'maybe', "That doesn't even make sense!" I shrugged. "Can't you see that Ben is an asshole? I would never date someone like him, he's-," she started. Did she think that we were so alike as to date the same type of guys? Or did she think I had to have her approval of who to date?

"I don't care Tess! I'll date whoever the _fuck_ I want, and if I _feel_ like it I'll _fuck_ whoever I want!" I screamed wrathfully. "And I don't expect to get any _shit_ from you!"

"You know what? Fine. I don't CARE anymore! Do whatever the hell you want! Obviously you're stupid enough to chose the wrong guy and not care that he just wants to see how far he can get with you!" she turned and walked around her bed away from me.

"Or maybe _I'm_ just with him to see how far I can get with _him_," I enunciated in a calm, settled, indifferent voice and taking some few steps closer as she neared the door. I just wanted to fucking kill her! Why was she so stubborn! They were my decisions, my consequences, and it was my life!

"Well then you're just right for each other!" she yelled irately opening the door to leave.

"Go to hell!" I shouted just before she slammed the door. The rage was radiating off me in waves, and I was trembling just the slightest. Well so much for not having any problems. I was elated that she was gone seeing as she had pissed me off enough for the day. I turned, stalked the few stepped to bed and dropped down onto the edge, my hands shoved deeply in my pocket. At least I had gotten what I wanted across to her. I sighed and lay back on my bed for a few minutes to cool off. Where was my razor when I needed it? Or better yet Ben? Our argument had only made me want him more, only motivated me to give in a little more to him just to spite her. Where had she gone? To Kitty and Jubilee's? The game room? What about Logan, would she dare to try to get him on her side? I shot up, and pushed myself off the bed once more and started for the door once more. I swiftly yanked it open and took a step forward only to end up being blocked by Ben. I stared at him somewhat shocked at his timing. Was he telekinetic, too?

"Hey… what are you doing here?" I questioned. He greeted me with a small grin and invited himself in. I stumbled to the side and closed the door behind him. I felt extremely awkward now after having the fight with Tess where he had been the subject of discussion, and I could not shake the feeling that he somehow knew about it.

"To see you. Saw you leave the game room. Thought maybe you came from the lounge or something," he answered. I debated over whether I should ask him about the game and decided against it. It would seem like I had been watching him, which was what I had been doing. When he grasped my forearms, pulled me towards him and leaned down to captured my lips in a kiss, I met him halfway, wrapping my arms around his back with newfound incentive.

"Why didn't you come over?" he asked breaking the kiss. I shrugged. Should I tell him about the incident Bobby and I had had earlier or keep it covert? He would want to leave to confront Bobby if I told him, and then they would get in trouble if they were caught, and the three of us would be called to the Professor's office, which was exactly what I did not need on a Saturday, especially after having it out with Tess. I egocentrically needed him to be here to help me get my mind of the fight and, additionally, off my desiring to use my razor. In a way he was its replacement covering for the tension, the conflicting emotions, and damn, the touch and the feel that I needed so much, at least until Logan and Scott were off my back, and the great thing about that was that he would not mind being used. This time I took the initiative and leaned forward to kiss him. He accepted and wrapped his arms around my back again and leaned forward into the kiss. Could anything feel better than this? Was it possible that something could surpass this feeling?

"Are you cold?" he inquired. I told him no and leaned forward to again to persist. "Then why are you wearing this jacket?" Was that his way of trying to get me out of my clothes? I felt myself almost starting to get angry with him, but managed to allay it. I did not really have on much under this jacket: an undershirt. The hoodie was not coming off.

"Does it matter?" I asked. He hesitated before shaking his head and mumbled out a 'guess not' before continuing the kiss. Good to know he was not going to be persistent about it, I thought as he slipped his tongue in my mouth. He was beginning to let his hands wander a little. I knew that he was a touchy person from our first encounter, but I was tentative to let him. As the kissing got more demanding, he let his hands slip under the jacket, and he ran his fingers up my back discovering how little I had on under the jacket. I fidgeted a little uncomfortable with his hands being where they were and brought my arms from around him, placed them on his, and pushed them back down to my waist. He did not move them again for a while until he grabbed the bottom of the jacket and started pulling it up.

"What are you doing?" I asked pulling away from him, breaking the kiss once more and pushing the jacket back down. He watched me obviously disappointed with my reaction. "Can't you just take it off?" I shook my head in the negative. Not only would I be then practically topless, but also the bandages and the scars were still there.

"Why? Your bandages?" he asked. My eyebrows shot up in alarm. "What the hell did you cut yourself on to have to have those bandages?" Oh shit. I had no idea what to tell him. Could I even trust him with a secret so big as this? I doubted he would tell anyone, especially if I asked him not to, and I would have to tell him sooner or later if I wanted this to go any farther. I started to say something but decided to just show him. I walked past him over to my bed, and he turned watching me. I stopped myself examining what I was about to do once more before I reached under the pillow and pulled out the razor. It was there where I had last left it before going to the mall with Tess and ready to be used. I walked back and handed it to him. He took the razor from my hand and examined it.

"Why do you have this?" he questioned, puzzled. I bit my lip, but it was not out of nervousness. I do not know why, but I felt I could trust him with what I had to tell him. I explained that I cut myself with it. "Why are you keeping it then?"

"It was not an accident," I replied staring at it in his hand rather than his face. He looked from the razor down to me with no certain expression really on his face. I stared at him waiting for his response. When I did not get one, I pulled back one of my sleeves showing him more of the bandages. I pulled the bandage tape up from the end and slowly unwrapped the end, in a way unwrapping the bandages from my secret, and showed him the still very raw, but healing cuts.

"Shit," he mumbled, taking a step back. I glanced at my arm and perused the old scars, and the swollen not yet healed deep incisions for myself. I realized that it did look scary, creepy even, and I accepted his reaction fully, knowing I would see it again one day. I wrapped the bandages back around my arm and taped the end back down before I pulled my sleeve back down. My sleeves had always enshrouded my scars. Hiding what _needed_ to be hidden. Ben just stared at me, and I reached out towards him, wanting my razor back. He placed it my palm, but kept hold of my hand. I raised my head to look my hand in his.

"Why?" I did not answer. " You cut yourself… on purpose. Those scars, Marie, it looks like someone took a butcher knife to your arm." He should see the rest of my body. I looked up at his face, and clutched the razor tighter.

"Who are you going to tell?" I asked suddenly. He could not tell anyone. He would not leave this room if he had any intentions of telling anyone. That could not happen. I would not let it. 

"No one if you don't want me to," I told him I did not want him to. "I won't then. It's your… thing."

As stupid as that had sounded, it was closely what I wanted to hear. I uttered out a quiet thanks, and looked down at his chest wanting to avoid his face at all cost. He tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me closer toward him, then slipped his other hand around my waist, his face now dangerously close to mine.

"Don't worry, I said I won't tell," he avowed before leaning over and pressing his lips to mine again. I was unresponsive at first. The fact that I was not the only one who knew about my masochist tendencies still made me extremely fretful and apprehensive, but I allowed myself to begin to relax into the kiss. Right, I thought as I closed my eyes, my secret was safe. I had nothing to worry about because no one was going to find out.

"So am I eating with you tonight?" Ben questioned when we were walking downstairs later. Dinner was about halfway through, and I had been walking with him downstairs. I did not think that dinner would be the same if he were to join Scott and me. It might be awkward and uncomfortable. Though the last time I had eaten with Scott, Thursday, it had not been the 'same'. Yeah, acting like a drunken idiot was not the usual. I turned and looked up at Ben, and he was already looking down at me. I shook my head.

"It would be weird…." I started. "And Scott and I… I don't know. I think we need to talk."

"About?" he inquired. We needed to talk about our conversation earlier today. I had not really thought about what had been said until recently. He had said something about Logan coming to him about me. Was Logan really that suspicious of me? I had not seen him since this morning, and I wondered what I would do if I encountered him later.

"Stuff," I answered. I did not exactly want Ben to know about Thursday. He might then feel compelled to tell someone about my masochist tendencies, and everything would be over- for me anyway. Fortunately, he did not push on the subject. Instead he nodded solemnly.

"I'll leave early and meet you or something," I proclaimed trying to assuage the rejection. I was definitely learning to hate him a little less now that he was not so straightforwardly perverse. A little more time and I might be willing to take a step up from the kissing partners status. Maybe.

"Alright," he responded, as we neared the dining room entrance. Before he entered, he pulled me to the side and gave me a lengthy kiss, and it was not the kind of kiss I wanted someone to just walk away from.

Seeing as dinner was only halfway over, I walked down the hallway to the empty game room and made my way into the lounge. I picked the remote control up from the table as I rounded the couch, and sat down. Would dinner be awkward even without Ben? I wanted to ask Scott about Logan, but would he be willing to talk about it? I could not very much force him to tell me anything. What if instead he wanted to question me, and the dinner turned into an inquiry? What would I do, get up and walk away from the table? That would only be rude and launch more suspicions. What if he came after me? Then what would I do? Shut down as I had done on Logan. I was not so sure now that I wanted to eat with Scott tonight. Ben's joining us seemed more and more like a good idea.

I sighed and sank down on the couch. What if Logan came in during dinner again? What if he stayed? What if he wanted to talk? What if he and Scott decided that the Professor needed to be brought in on the situation? There would be no way I could preclude any on these events, and all because I had made the mistake of coming downstairs on Thursday. The feeling of helplessness engulfed me. There had to be something I could do to keep any of that from happening. I would have to convince Scott that nothing was wrong with me, and then Logan.

I thought I felt the presence of someone watching me, and found my intuition correct when I turned my head towards the kitchen and saw John staring at me. I sat up promptly when he started for the couch. Was he coming to talk to me, and if so, what about? Maybe he wanted to finish our last conversation. 

"Hey," he said as he neared me. I wondered how long he had been standing there watching. He took a seat next to me on the couch. No one else seemed to be coming from the dining room.

"Hey," I greeted him somewhat nervously. I guess this meant he was actually willing to become 'just friends' again or just talk. "… Is dinner over yet?"

He looked at me and shook his head. "I just had to leave…."

What did that mean? Did it have anything to do with Ben? Had Ben said something about us? I wanted to ask, but it did not seem like he wanted to talk about it. He was staring at the TV now, and I noticed I had never turned it on and decided to give him the remote control. He took it, turned on the TV, started flipping through the stations and stopped on a channel he seemed satisfied with.

When I turned and looked at him again, he looked relaxed like nothing had ever happened, like there had never been a Wednesday night or a Thursday. And for a second Ben had never come here; we were friends again; he still saved a seat for me everyday in class… I had said yes on Thursday; and we were just hanging out together downstairs. And then he turned at meet my gaze, raising an eyebrow in question, and I snapped out of my reverie and turned back to the TV.

Dreaming would not change anything, but something told me that I could. I shoved that contemplation to the back of my head. It was too late to change anything. There was no way John would be willing to be in a relationship with me after all that had happened. After I had said what I had, and then hooked up with Ben not a day later. Damn, I did not think even _I_ would if I were him. That had been a big insult, and what would I tell him: 'No, Johnny, I didn't mean it that way! I'm just afraid of committing to the right person, so I decided to settle for Ben!' And was I to expect him to believe or even _understand_ that? I sighed quietly, frustrated with myself.

But I could see out of the corner of my eye that he had not turned back right away, and maybe that meant something. Or maybe not. I stared listlessly at the television ahead of me. None of the images making it quite past my eyes, the audio flowing in one ear and seeping out the other. At least, he was sitting here next to me, and that was one huge step towards a friendship renewed, right? And then there was talking. Could I initiate a conversation though without having it emulate the earlier one this morning.

"… I still have your boxers and shirt," I stated. Okay maybe not the best choice one could have selected with the given conditions, but was that a smile on his lips? I was pretty sure that it was. He turned and glanced at me.

"Have you… done any flinging yet?" he asked grinning now. Wow, not exactly what I expected for starters, but I would unreservedly take it. Take anything to be on good terms with him again. To take a step towards normality.

"No," I replied with pristine levity. Laughter was a great sign, and that was what I was getting. Nor had I washed them, I remembered. Which reminded me of Tess with Logan's boxers and Logan with Scott's. Thankfully, Logan had never talked to Scott about my having them, or maybe Scott had just never mentioned it. Though that was not something I wanted to consider. I pushed that unpleasant train of thoughts away and focused on what was occurring right now- my socializing with John.

"What happened with Logan and the other boxers?" he asked turning to look at me. Eye contact without tension or indifference behind it. Another step. I shrugged having not a clue to what had really happened.

"He never mentioned it again," I answered. "Neither did Scott."

He nodded, the grin still playing on his lips as he turned back to the television, and I remembered suddenly how earlier he had asked if could call me by my real name. He had not addressed me by it yet, though he had not addressed me by anything yet. I had a feeling hearing him say it would change everything. Maybe clarify some things. I finally turned back towards the TV, grinning, and again not taking anything in, instead running over in my head the conversation that had just taken place. How there had been no edginess or tentativeness at all in our voices. How it had been so natural, and there had been no acrimony present. John turned back towards me.

"Are you dating Ben?" my eyebrows raised in shock. I turned to him to see that he now had a serious expression on his face. _Was_ I dating Ben? Could you call my using him for gratification dating? _Did_ I want to call gratification dating? I took my time answering him.

"… I like your accent," I declared thoughtlessly. It was only seldom that I could hear the traces of his Australian accent. When I heard what I had said, I did not know whether to burst out laughing or get up and run away, but it seemed to me that running was too often my first impulse. How many times had I heard that running from my problems would never help, I thought. Yeah, that was my problem. That was the reason why everything was the way it was now. John looked disconcerted to say at the least, and he did not respond right away.

"… I like yours, too," he replied. I bit my lip as I stared back at him hoping he would not repeat his previous question. He stared back mutely, and I wondered if he was debating on whether to ask again or not, but he did not make any move to say anything and that made me particularly uneasy.

He started to lean forward, and my eyes widened slightly when I realized what he was doing. Had I been wrong about his feelings? This was more than a step unexpected, this was… I did not know, but I had to decide quickly if I wanted to stop him or let him kiss me, and I suddenly knew how much I wanted him to, and I felt myself pushing my body up in my seat. I reminded myself that I was not dating Ben, and that I was allowed to do this before I leaned forward somewhat hastily and let my lips meet his halfway. As I closed my eyes and leaned forward into the kiss more, there was more than just electricity running through every nerve in my body. I literally felt the mansion and everyone in it evanesce, and my fingers tightened on the couch for the reassurance that it was still there. It was amazing how the feel of a kiss could change when you really liked someone for more than their physical appearance, I thought as I opened my mouth to his. I scooted myself closer to him, and raised my hand up, but then having no idea what to do with it let it drop. He placed the remote control on the seat where it toppled off onto the floor.

"Yeah, I was like- 'WOW! How very surprising!'" someone said. We swiftly broke the kiss and moved from each other. We both glanced at the doorway fearing that we had been seen. The two people continued walking into the game room, ignoring us, and leading the mass of students out of the kitchen behind them. I could feel the newfound tension building up between us as soon as the panic had drained. John picked up the remote control, stood up and dropped it on the couch where he had been sitting.

"I'll see you later…." He said tensely, walking away when I had nodded. I sat back against the couch as what had just happened sunk into my consciousness. Damn, it had felt so much different from kissing Ben; it had been on an entirely different level, and it definitely had not been the type of kiss I had wanted him to walk away from. I let out a deep sigh, as I sank down in my seat. I bit my bottom lip and ran my tongue over it not wanting his taste to fade away.

A couple of minutes later, I stood up from the couch and made my way toward the kitchen, and walked by Tess. She looked at me but did not say anything and continued behind Sam toward the game room. Odd how for once she actually managed to keep her mouth shut. When I walked into the kitchen, I coincidently met up with Ben who had been leaving the dining room. All I could think about was John and the kiss when I looked at him. Would I ever experience that again? I undeniably could not tell Ben what had happened, though something told me he would presumably be the open relationship type.

I was tempted to ask him though if anything had happened during dinner; maybe why John had left. Not that I had a chance before he had leaned forward and kissed me, parting my lips with his tongue and shoving it in my mouth. Wow, what had happened to turn him on like this? Not that I did not appreciate it, being somewhat aroused from the kiss with John. I was disappointed though at the lack of similarity between the two kisses, and that only highlighted the fact that I had made a huge mistake. I had been so misguided when I had thought I had been getting the ultimate replacement for cutting from kissing Ben, and I knew _now_ that every time that I kissed him, I _would _care that it would be Ben and not John.

I thought I heard Jubilee and Kitty arguing from in the dining room, and tried to pull away from an unwilling Ben. He pulled me closer as he deepened the kiss. Oh crap! What if they came in and saw us, I thought as my eyes flew open in trepidation when Ben would not let me go. I could hear them nearing the kitchen. I pulled away again, this time hitting him until I finally managed to break away as they entered the kitchen.

"What?" Ben asked disgruntled, as they both walked in. I watched them walk by not noticing Ben or me as they continued arguing. It seemed like I was having lots of luck in the not-being-seen-department. Good, I would not have to suffer through a tedious conversation, nor would the whole school know in the next ten minutes that we had been making out in the kitchen.

"Nothing," I answered as the rest of the dining room occupants filed out. He narrowed his eyes in skepticism. He obviously did not know the damage that Kitty and Jubilee were capable of. Or maybe he did not see our making out as damaging. Of course not because he was okay with public display of affection, and more over he was not ashamed of me. I grimaced at that thought. It was too close to home and too near the bone. Was I ashamed of him? I looked back up at him. No, I was just being careful, I told myself.

"I'll see you… later," I told him mimicking John and then pulled away from him completely. I did not want to take any more chances at being caught, and I needed to eat. He said bye tentatively and walked away into the lounge, and I went to the refrigerator, got some food and came back to the empty kitchen and started eating. I ate speedily wanting to finish before Scott appeared so I could leave early if I needed to, which most likely I would unless things went the way I hoped they would-normally. When I was done, I waited apprehensively for him to arrive. I could only image how our conversation would go. Damn, should I be worried, because I was more than nervous. I was beginning to feel the initial stages of the tendrils of anguish. What if when Logan had gone to him, they had had an actual two-sided conversation? I shuddered at that possibility and more prominently what the consequences of it could be.

"Hey," I looked up, half-startled, at Scott, as he took his usual seat in front of me. Stay calm, I told myself. No need to screw things up especially if they were already fine, and furthermore I was not planning on doing so. Even though it had only been two days since we had eaten dinner together (and this morning that we had eaten breakfast together), contrastingly it felt as if a week had passed by. I cleared my throat and greeted him with a 'hi', deciding that I should initiate the conversation.

"I'm sorry about earlier today," I started. My behavior at lunch had not been the best. I had allowed my ire from the talk with Logan get to me and he had been there for me to take it out on. Not to mention Bobby's little torture session or my lack of sleep at the time. He raised an eyebrow inquiringly.

"For what?" he asked. What did he mean 'for what'? Did he not remember how our conversation had gone? It had seemed to me in the car that maybe things had changed. Maybe he had played it off as a mood swing.

"Getting angry with you for nothing," I answered. "… At the restaurant." 

"It's okay. I shouldn't have tried to push an answer out of you. I was just wondering why Logan came to me about you," he replied. I nodded agreeing with him that he should not have tried to push an answer out of me. Taking a moment to pause, he continued: "But I still don't think he would have approached me the way he did, if it was not serious."

Crap, oh crap. I did not want to start back into that conversation. "Um… yeah, I think I just need to talk to him. We haven't… in a while." Decently anyway, I was tempted to add.

"If there is something, Rogue… don't-"

"Yeah, I know I can tell you," I interrupted. And I definitely would if I could if there was something that did not need to be hidden, or that I thought was a problem. "But there's nothing that you should be worried about."

Was I actually getting used to hearing these lies come out my mouth? I bit my lip, mentally prompting myself to not be so hasty, which was what I had basically just apologized for. Rather than saying so, he nodded in acknowledgement. Okay so what was next? I sat silently in my seat waiting for him to initiate another conversation, which thankfully he did.

"How are things with Ben?" he asked. My eyes widened slightly. What did he mean by that and where had that come from? He did not think that Ben and I were dating did he, and did _that_ mean other people thought we were dating?

"Um… fine," I replied. What had he meant by asking me that? "I guess… they're good." That answer had not implied that we were dating, did it? I hoped that I had had not just confirmed that we were because we were not dating. We were friends with benefits. No, I did not think that if Ben and I were not 'together' we would be friends. What did that make us then, strangers with benefits? No, we were just 'together'. And who cared that together and dating could be taken to mean the same thing. I did not, and if I said they did not, they did not.

"I overheard Tess mention at dinner that there was a fight between the two of you. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but it was nothing serious was it?" he asked. Tess had told everyone about the fight at dinner? Kept her mouth shut my ass. Obviously I had been wrong about her silence, and right in my worrying. Had she revealed that Ben had been the reason of the fight? And if so, had she told Ben? No, I could not imagine Tess talking Ben unless she was in someway blaming or insulting him; likewise I doubted she sat close enough to him for him to have heard her talking. Wait, Scott had just said dinner. How was it that he could he have heard them during dinner?

"Dinner?" I asked. He would have had to eaten in the dining room to have heard them, unless Scott had some weird fetish for hiding near the door or under the tables to eavesdrop. I almost laughed at the thought until I realized what this could mean. This could be his way into subtly ceasing our after dinner dinners. _Did_ he want to go back to eating with everyone else, his acquaintances? Had he tired of my company?

"Yes… I've started eating in the dining room again, but that doesn't mean that we have to stop meeting afterwards. I thought that as a teacher I should resume eating with the students," he stated. Had this been his first night back in the dining room, or had he long ago started easing back into eating at the scheduled dinners? Moreover, did Jean or the Professor have any influence in his decision 'as a teacher'? Damn it, I was a student was I not, I thought self-indulgently. I had no right to feel thwarted, but I did. I was now accordingly the only person in the mansion who did not eat in the dining room. And what did that make me, a sore loser? I tried to keep how I felt off my face, biting down on my tongue in an endeavor to allay my emotions, which only averted my attention to my aching tongue in my mouth which in return only reminded me that a short while before, Johnny's lips had been on mine.

"It was nothing serious. Nothing you should worry about… She- It was about Ben," and how she disapproved of my being with him. As if her opinion meant anything to me. Not when she was being so dogmatically insistent on pushing it on me. Her inclination towards the subject had only been annoying at first, but it had become exasperating.

"Ben? Did he do something?" Scott asked. I suddenly remembered Wednesday when Bobby had been sitting here complaining about Ben to Scott about how he had touched me.

"She just doesn't like him," I explained. And now she does not like me. Maybe I could be so lucky as to have her give me the silent treatment.

"I got that from her tone," he mentioned. Maybe she and Bobby had finally found their reason to come together as friends. I wondered how many followers they had gained tonight in their anti-Ben propaganda. How many more people hated him?

Maybe we _should_ stop eating together seeing as I would be the only one eating. Was it really necessary for him to stay here while I did? I could only see our meeting in the future as being in vain. A weak attempt in maybe trying not to hurt my feelings until one day I was forced to rejoin regularly scheduled dinners. So maybe I would miss it, but we had not been doing it for that long, and besides I would not have to worry about Scott or his suspicions as much as I had recently, and I could completely avoid another 'Thursday' as well. Also, maybe it was inappropriate.

"We don't have to keep meeting, Scott. It's fine. Maybe we should have stopped these before they started. I mean… it's inappropriate," I stated, not wholly believing anything I had just said, and not knowing if I had meant it. He remained silent. Had I stunned him? Had he not expected that or something of the like?

"… I'm not-You want to eat alone?" he questioned. Not exactly what I would call a remonstration. Plus, who had said I would eat alone. I could just go back to eating dinner with everyone else. Or maybe I could just eat with Ben. I shrugged.

"I don't have to eat alone… I could-" We both turned and watched as Logan, Jean and Bobby walked out of the dining room late. Logan turned and nodded in acknowledgement towards Scott, I turned with slightly furrowed eyebrows and watched Scott greet him back. Had my eyes just cheated me? Okay what had happened at this dinner that I had missed? Though Logan had not actually beamed and waved at Scott, he had just _greeted_ him- more or less. I realized that as I considered the talk Logan had had with Scott, it had to be the reason. The reason they were not… acting normal. They were on the same plane here, which was trying to figure out what I was 'hiding'.

"I could eat in the dining room…." I mumbled, not knowing if I would or would not. I heard someone stop, and turned to see that Logan had dropped behind Jean and Bobby and was listening to us now. That would satisfy him, would it not? Whether he and Scott were… consorters or not, our ceasing of dinners together would be of his liking. I turned back to Scott, who nodded.

"That would be the best thing," he answered. I could hear Logan nearing the table. What, did he have something to add to the conversation he was not included in? Was he aware that he was being rude by listening in on our conversation like this? Did Scott even care? He sure as hell did not seem to. Were they actually _working_ _together_? Jean and Bobby walked out of the kitchen into the lounge talking, while Logan stayed and listened. I suddenly got the urge to leave. I did _not_ want to be here anymore.

"You're coming back to dinner?" Logan asked. I knew he was not asking Scott. I shrugged not bothering to turn around and look at him. I was not entirely prepared to talk to Logan just yet; similarly I still did not want to be here.

"What made you… change your mind?" Not what I would call a change of mind. It was more of a not-wanting-to-pitied decision. I glanced at Scott, whose expression I could not figure out, and shrugged.

"You gonna eat with us tomorrow?" he asked. Damn, would he not just back off! Why was it so important anyway? However, I knew the answer to that. It was just that- did he have to make it so transparent what he was trying to do? And Scott? Like his sitting there being quiet was so fucking normal. I felt like a freaking target with both their eyes burning into me, and I wanted now more that ever to be out of here. I shrugged again trying to devise a plan quickly. Dinner had ended somewhat late tonight. I could use that as an excuse to leave.

"I don't know," I pushed my chair back and stood up, "It's late… Bye."

Oh wow, way to be articulate. I turned and hurriedly walked towards the exit. If they wanted to know if I was going to eat with them tomorrow, they could just attend dinner and find out. As I neared Logan, he grabbed my arm, throwing me off balance and also stopping me before I could make it to the door. I looked down at his hand wrapped around my arm, and then up at him, my eyebrows furrowed somewhat angrily.

"Something wrong?" he asked. Why would something be wrong, Logan? I asked myself sarcastically. I had only just found out that the chances for everything to return to normal had been utterly obliterated now that you and Scott were getting along, and forget the fact that I would probably be eating alone soon, and who cared that practically no one liked the boy I was snogging (and I was not so clear on the subject myself).

"No," I said somewhat bitterly. What was he expecting me to do, blurt out that I was a masochist? I added carefully 'nothing' and waited for him to let my arm go. When he did, I sped out of the kitchen with out so much as a backwards glance towards either of them. I did not know how much more I could take of their suspicions. Especially, now since they were not even trying to hide them. They had 'partners' written all over them. This was all my fault. Under normal circumstances this would be fine, shocking, even amusing, but this was just trouble.

I walked out into the game room stopping at the entrance, and took a deep breath, and then shakily let it out. At least my joining them at dinner would allay some of their suspicions, I hoped. Ben. Ben. Where was he? I had some serious distress to get rid of. I looked around examining the room. Damn, I really needed him right now, especially since the razor was completely ruled out.

"Looking for me?" I jumped back into the lounge, startled- terrified, as someone literally emerged right in front of me. Bobby. I was surprised he was not playing at the foosball table with Johnny. I sent him an annoyed glower and looked around again. Was not looking for Ben this time. What was wrong with this boy? He spread rumors about me, patronized me, apologized to me, patronized me some more the next day, _jumped_ me, and now he wanted to be… playful? I was not in the mood for another one of his mood swings. Not to mention I was still _a bit_ irate with him for mauling me to the ground this morning.

"Seen Ben?" I asked turning to look him straight in the eye. You know the boy who I chose over _you_, I told him in my head. I was feeling exceedingly spiteful, but I was not in the disposition to start anything. He shrugged off my question indifferently, but I could see that he was indubitably bothered with my mentioning Ben.

"You're in the game room…. Why aren't you having a panic attack?" he asked. Oh how fucking funny. I scowled at him for his weak joke alluding to my little scene in the game room last Thursday before I turned to peruse the room once more. I wanted to so desperately to scream 'SCREW YOU, BOBBY!', but I did not have the energy to finish what it would start.

There was Ben… and there was Tess glaring at him as he watched her play ice hockey with Sam, who seemed only a _little_ uncomfortable. It seemed to me the more I watched him the more I saw that Ben was actually the observant type. Well in one sense only. He did not seem to notice that Tess hated him. I moved forward, ignoring Bobby's question, and he took a step near me. What? Was he going to try to stop me? I pushed past him with my forearm and drifted towards Ben going over my options in my head. I guess jumping him would not be the smartest thing to do seeing as he would definitely go along with it, and where would that lead us… other than the floor… or the hockey table?

"Are we gonna go through another episode of that?" Bobby asked from behind me as I neared Ben a few seconds later after he had recovered from the shock of my pushing him and caught up with me. Ben looked up at us from Tess and Sam's hockey game at hearing Bobby. Hell, I hoped we would not. It definitely would not go the way he thought it would if there was a second time.

"Of what?" asked Ben. Nothing he needed to know of, nothing I was going to talk about and nothing Bobby would mention to Ben while he still had the birthright of the Fifth Amendment.

"A little confrontation we had… on the hallway floor," he answered provokingly looking me straight in the eye. Okay I had been wrong, but had he just made that sound like I thought he had made it sound? My mouth dropped open at his managing to make our anything but sexual encounter perverse.

"It was nothing like that," I protested to Ben, but glaring at Bobby. Ben did not have a chance to answer because Tess had slammed her air hockey piece down on the puck stopping the game, and turned to glare at all three of us.

"Take your argument elsewhere… and don't forget your _dog_, Rogue," she demanded, turning to look at Ben. I raised my eyebrows shocked. Had she just called Ben a dog? If anyone was the dog it was Bobby. I still could not believe he had tried to play that card. I was tempted to sic Ben on him.

"It's over," I commented. I rolled my eyes at Tess, glared at Bobby and removed the space between Ben and I, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the table. He looked stupefied as he turned around and started walking with me.

"Did she just call me a dog?" he asked. I nodded. "Why'd she call me a dog?"

"You're not a dog," I stated annoyed with the whole situation. I could not believe Bobby had even decided to follow me in the first place. What made him think I had wanted to talk to him? And Tess. Tess needed to grow up, and get over the fight we had had. I had only told her the truth, and what she had needed to hear. "Let's leave."

"Okay. Where to? Your room?" Remembering that he had asked me that when he had first arrived at the school, I promptly ruled out either of our rooms. I shook my head. "Where then?"

"I don't know. Anywhere except here."

"Alright," he pulled his arm from my grip and grabbed my hand. When he started navigating us through the students towards the exit, I tightened my grasp on his hand. So he had a place in mind already? I did not ask where we were going; instead I just followed along as we walked out of the game room. I was relieved that we would not be staying. There were too many hostile vibes in there, and I did not want John to see us because as I knew tension was a bitch.

Ben pulled me down the hall, and I was really starting to wonder where he was taking us, but I figured I find out soon enough. We turned down the hall that led towards the library. We were going to the library? Ben looked down at me grinning, and I raised an eyebrow curiously.

"We going in?" I asked when he slowed us to a stop as we neared the entrance. He turned and stepped in front of me, placing his hands on my waist.

"No," he answered pushing me back until my back came in contact with the wall. We were going to stay out here in the hall? And do what? My question was answered as soon as he burrowed his face into my hair against my neck, exhaling deeply, and then brought a hand up from my waist to brush my hair back before he brought his mouth back down on my neck, blowing gently on my neck before he started sucking, nipping with his teeth, licking with his tongue. I closed my eyes and could barely repress my moan and failed to hold back a shiver.

"Ben," I murmured, loving the feeling that was surging through my body. If only he was Johnny, I thought. But just because he was not did not mean I could not pretend. He pulled his head up, and I opened my eyes, startled at the sudden ceasing of pleasure, to see him gazing at me. Why had he stopped when it had felt so good? The feeling was starting to fade so quickly, and I shivered again involuntarily as I looked in his eyes. They were not Johnny's, but I could imagine.

"You want me to stop?" he asked, not waiting for my answer before going back to my neck- the other side this time-, hand tightening on my waist. I gasped again at the feeling, and tried desperately to hold back a giggle I knew would make me sick and ruin the mood. It was still a shock at how good it felt again. Touch was something I would be totally fine with not getting used to. The surprise got better with each touch.

"No…." I whispered, my voice descending to a whimper. Definitely not. He brought his mouth up to mine then, and I brought my arms up and around his neck. He leaned forward pressing his body against mine and pushing me into the wall. His grip on my waist tightening, his other hand exploring my butt. I jumped, a squeal or shriek of the sorts escaping my mouth when he gave it a firm squeeze. I tried opening my mouth, which was useless because he only shoved his tongue in deeper.

"Relax," he said breaking the kiss for less than a second. I was trying to think of John when Ben decided to explore some more. This time up my shirt. Something told me he had been in this position before, particularly the part where he snaked his hand between my back and the wall and unhooked my bra. My image of John in my head was shattered completely. He was not acting like Johnny. I grabbed his arm managing to break the kiss and hastily pushed it away, then immediately reached up to rehook it, stopping only when he forced me to by grabbing grabbed my arms.

"You're not relaxed," he commented. I could not. I could not let him touch me like that. Not while I still had John buried deep in my head. Locked away or not, he was not forgotten, especially now when I was picturing him in my head. I was actually starting to feel guilty.

"Ben, don't-don't touch me like that," I stuttered trying to sound dignified; however it came out as a shaky plead. I wanted him, but not like that, especially after only a day. I could not do that. I was not Tess. I grimaced at my previous thought. It was harsh, but it was the truth. He sighed and brought his hand to my hair.

"Fine," he replied before leaning down to kiss me again. I wanted to rehook my bra, but he had me against the wall again. I could hear the mass of students down the hall, around the corner leaving the game room to go upstairs. I was not worried about anyone coming down this hallway. There was nothing interesting down here, and no one came to the library after dinner.

I was still a bit nervous, when he placed his hands on my waist, but he had not moved yet. I was stiff, but trying to loosen up. Bringing my arms back around his neck, I resolved that I would try to enjoy this again. There was no reason I should not be, I told myself. Especially when this was so… pleasing.

Ben pushed into me again, this time sliding a leg between mine and pulling me closer. I was not really sure what the point of that had been until he started grinding against me. I was startled straight back into my stiffness again. This was… different, but as he did it I realized it was not… displeasing. I tried grinding back, and that won me a nice groan. This was new, and I liked it. He was moaning now, and I was not exactly being silent. I bit my lip in fear of calling out the wrong name. I could presently feel his hard-on rubbing against me as he grinded harder- thrusting in a way, pushing me repeatedly against the wall as the kiss became more aggressive, and his breath became heavier- rougher, and his hands tightened in a death grip on my waist as he broke away from the kiss and buried his face into my hair and started groaning loudly, and mumbling out my name followed by something else incoherent.

"What?" I asked. He continued to lean on me as he shook head against my neck and pulled his leg from between mine, sliding me off. He brought his hand up to the side of my face before he captured my lips again. I did not want to stay here much longer, exhaustion was starting to set in, and the students had long ago disappeared upstairs. Ben removed his hand from my waist, and I could not tell where he had put it, but I did not care. I did not care when he started shifting around, or when he grabbed my hand. I did not care; that was until he wrapped my hand around his penis and slid it down, gathering the cum in my palm.

"What-!" I yelled, yanking my hand back and shoving him backwards with my other hand. He stumbled back and I noticed presently that his pants were unzipped and falling down. I looked down aghast at my hand. Well there was no longer any question now where his hand had gone, or what the purpose of his grinding against me was.

"Wanna taste it?" he asked, noticing I was staring at the white mess in my hand. Taste it?! Did I _look_ like I wanted to taste it?! Did I look like I even wanted to have it in my hand? I looked up at him even more appalled then before, yet nothing would come out my mouth. It was as if my vocal chords had been frozen. I turned ready to fly down the hall when Ben grabbed my arm and gave me a disconcerted expression. I hated him. DAMNIT, I _HATED_ HIM! He did not know when to fucking stop, which was when he had cum in his pants, or when he was crossing the damn line, which was putting it in my hand. 

"Wait! Where are -?" I yanked my arm out of his grip harshly, and ran hastily down the hallway. He called out my name, but I ignored him and continued running, wishing I had never come here with him. If anyone deserved my hate, it was myself. I could not believe I had actually allowed him touch me that way, how easily I had pushed John to the back of my head to give in to lust, how stupid I had been to not notice what Ben had been doing when he had me against the wall like another one of his slut girlfriends because after all, I had said I wanted to be used, and Bobby had long ago called it out, Ben was a slut and so was I. I rounded the corner dangerously fast as the tears started burning in my eyes. My bra was still unhooked, and it was now more than ever that I noticed, but I could not stop now to reclasp it.

Oh no, please, no. There was Logan near the steps from the opposite direction, but I could not stop now. There would only be hell if he knew what had been happening. I tried to ignore him as I neared the steps.

"Rogue? What are you doing down here?" I prayed that he could not smell my trepidation or Ben in my hand and all over my body. I turned at the steps, and he when reached for me, I hastily twisted away from his hand and continued flying up the steps, the tears making their way down my cheeks in streams now as I repeated over and over in my head how I had acted and what that made me.

"Rogue? Marie! What the hell happened?" But I could not stop now. "Fuck!"

He had started to follow I knew that, but when I turned and looked behind me down the stairs, he was irefully making his way down the hall, and I stopped. He had caught scent of my trail, which would lead him down the hall and around the corner. Around the corner where he would find Ben. Where Ben would be standing with his pants falling down and covered in my scent and his. Not my problem. I started running again.

Down the hall in ten seconds, and in my room in four. I stopped myself at the last second from slamming the door. Tess could be in here. I could not see, and I did not want to wake her up, I did not want her to see me like this, I did not want to here her voice- her 'I told you so's. I closed it as softly as my unsteady hand would allow me, and then headed to the bathroom.

When I scanned myself in the mirror my hair and clothes were a mess: my pants wrinkled on one leg, my shirt tousled with my bra visible starting to rise up. My lips were swollen, hickey starting to show and I was trembling, shaking, but my sobs had died down. If Ben told Logan what had happened, it _would_ be my problem. I doubted that Logan even needed Ben to tell him what had happened. All he had to do was look at me, look at Ben and our scents would give everything away.

Sick bastard came in his pants. I looked down at my hand recalling the… stuff in my hand, and reached out for a knob on the sink and twisted it, summoning the water to come out. I slowly emerged my hand into the stream of water, watching as some of it rinsed off my hand into the sink and down the drain. 

I turned the water off, and stared at the remains and the water in my hand. As I raised my unstable hand slowly, it wavered slightly as it neared my mouth. What the hell was I doing, I thought as I brought my tongue across my hand. Ben's voice rang in my head asking if I wanted to taste it, as I took it into my mouth. It was creamy, salty, and it was Bobby's voice that was now reiterating in my head, telling me what I was.

It only took a second to register that that I did not like the taste. At all. And two seconds later, my knuckles were white, tightly clenched around the seat, whilst I shared my dinner and my tears with the toilet.

XIV. Used

A/N Dos: Oh wow, I hope I didn't work myself into a corner with this chapter. I have some idea where to go after this, suggestions if you want. And forgive me if I don't know how cum taste… cuz I don't. Did I forget to mention in my first a/n that I want to start a mailing list?? What about Kalen's story The Foundation, or ilovetidus's I knew I loved you before I met you? No, I don't think I did… send me your email addresses in a review or in an email (I won't send any SPAM, I hate SPAM (not the story by jjblazer)) and read kalen and ilovetidus's stories please!!! : D ^_^


	15. Loathed

A/N: Okay big mistake in last A/N, this story will be finished before John goes to the dark side in X2.  Awesome blossom.  Oh crap, this story will be coming to an end soon.  I'll be so depressed. ::sigh::  I swear it took everything in me to limit Drake's Draco-badboy-evilness.  He was grabbing more than just hands before I changed my mind.  Did you know there's a University in Iowa called Drake University!  Also, I swear those were some really, really, really awesome writing-inspiring reviews.  Thank you so freaking much!  And looks like someone found the freaking lyric, Randi.  Guess what, I started next chapter!  ::squeals::

Warning: Like chapter 9, this chapter is a little emotionally unstable (still like Gene Forrester) and hardcore masochism.

Wednesday, 12 February 2003 – Tuesday, 25  February 2003

XV. Loathed

"I'll go downstairs and wait for you.  Sam and Jubilee are downstairs, and I think Bobby is, like, down there, too, which means John is," Kitty lowered her voice to a whisper. "Did you, like, see Ben?  I heard that Logan…"

She stopped, and I was pretty sure she had turned to look at me.  I stayed motionless and kept my back towards her.  I had not moved from my bed all morning, not even to change out of the outfit I had resigned to fall asleep in, and Kitty's gossip would not change that, though her presence had indubitably added to annoying atmosphere Tess had long ago created while primping herself to go downstairs.  I did not know what they were going to do, probably just hang out, but she and the 'gang' were meeting downstairs, which was good because I wanted to have the room to myself while I lay in bed and sulked and occasionally reminded myself how much I hated Ben and wanted to kill myself.

"She's sleep.  I don't know _when_ she came in last night- probably really late- cause she's been, like, passed out.  Probably messing around with Ben.  He's totally turning her around for the worse.  Yesterday, she, like, told me she likes the way he uses her, and then she told me to go to hell," Tess commented.  I narrowed my eyes.  Had she screwed up everything I had said?  'Like the way he used me'?  I had not said that.  Though Ben had _definitely_ picked up the experimenting vibe last night.  My fault for being naive, not truly knowing anything about what it was like to be used when I had said it.  My screwed up version of being used, which in reality had been a relationship.

"Yeah, you, like, told me that yesterday," Kitty responded.  Yeah, yesterday at dinner when she had told everyone else, too, I thought bitterly.

"So!" I heard someone, Kitty most likely, jump on Tess's bed. "What are you doing?"

"I might as well take a freakin' nap!  You're taking forever!" Kitty exclaimed and added in a whisper. "As always."

"Why don't you go downstairs then!" Tess snapped flashing her temper.

"Watch it, girl!  I don't have to take your yelling if I don't want to," Kitty retorted. "And don't think I won't because I _will_!"

"…What?" Tess asked.  Could they not leave already, and what was taking Tess so long?  Kitty had already been here for fifteen minutes, and according to her, everyone was waiting downstairs for them.  I shifted onto my stomach, still facing the other way, wanting to push the covers down past my legs or maybe even off.  Mostly I wanted to take a shower and change clothes.  A weak attempt to wash Ben off my body and mind.  Then, I did not know what I would do, but I definitely would not be leaving this room.

"Anyway before I was so _rudely_ interrupted-"

"I didn't interrupt you.  You stopped talking," Tess objected.

"Well, you just did it now!  Anyway, I heard Logan like did something to Ben," My thoughts roamed back to last night when I had seen Logan stalk off down the hall.  I wondered what had happened after I had receded to my room.  I wondered if Ben did not want to come out his room either.  I held in a sigh as I realized Logan would most definitely want to talk to me, and that he would probably come up here if I did not go down there.

"Who cares?  Logan should have talked to Rogue about Ben a long time ago, but he's too worried about her and Scott to care, which was why I stepped in, and look where _that_ got me," Tess stated.  But of course, I would not find out from them if anything had happened.  I was pretty sure that Scott was no longer on the top of Logan's hit list either from what I had found out yesterday.

"I wonder why Scott came back to eating with us?" Kitty pondered out loud.  According to last night, it was the sudden calling from the teacher within because, Kitty, he _did_ care for you.

"She probably ditched him," Tess answered.  Yes, because in this conversation, I was the Ben-crazy, evil bitch who could be expected to do the worst.

"Well, I hope he doesn't get back with Jean now that Logan dumped her," she replied. "And I hope times two she's not the reason he's back!"

"Who cares?  You think I have a chance with Logan now?" Tess asked, the hope in her voice exceedingly evident.  Logan had broken up with Jean?  Where did Kitty, Jubilee and Tess get their info?  Was that why he had been in the hallway after everyone had gone to bed, because he had been just broken up with her?  But that was not why Scott had gone back to the regular dinners was it?  Had I been discarded?  Probably.  I almost could not believe it.  It would not have been that hard of a decision for him either.  Rogue or Jean?  Right, I doubted I had even been in the mix, and why should I be when he had been with Jean longer than he had know me.

"No.  Are you gonna wake Rogue up, so she can _hang_ with us, too?  Without Ben of course," Kitty questioned.  Yeah right.  I did not want to 'hang' with her or anybody right now regardless of whether Ben was there or not.  What I did want was Tess to stop primping, take Kitty and leave.

"No," Tess answered simply. "She's probably gonna met up with him anyway.  If you haven't noticed it's not Rogue anymore.  It's _Ben_ and Rogue.  Plus, I don't wanna be around her."  The feeling was mutual, I thought as I narrowed my eyes.

"You're around her now… you know, Jubilee says if that if they did it, it was yesterday before dinner or after they left the game room, and he _did_ come to dinner late, and they _did_ leave the game room together, so maybe they did, and maybe that's why she's so tired…." Kitty mentioned.  I closed my eyes.  There had been no sex.  Only kissing.  It was nothing.  It was a _mistake_.  And I found it _extremely_ disturbing that Jubilee had been discussing when Ben and I could have had sex?  Why would I have sex with him after one day anyway?  I was not so desperate for touch as to throw myself at the first-- second boy who came around.

"Jubilee has got too much time on her hands, and _who_ _cares_?" Tess answered. "Okay, let's go."

She was doing an awful lot of _not_ caring for someone who could not mind her own business.  I heard Kitty get off Tess's bed, and then I assumed that when the door opened it was the two of them leaving.

"So whatarewe-?"Kitty stopped talking, and it was silent for a second.

"Come on, let's go," I heard Tess say her voice reeking with disgust and irritation. "Probably already has the code anyway."

"You think so?" Kitty asked inquisitively.  What the hell were they talking about?  The door closed.  Right, now all I had to do was will myself out of the bed… I managed to muster enough energy to turn my head the other way.  Well, it was the first-.  Ben was standing in front of the door.

"Hey," he said.  How had he gotten into the room without my hearing him?  Tess must have let him in, but why would she have done that?  It was _Ben_, and she hated him.  I tried to gather my composure and say something.

"How'd you get in here?" I asked, pushing myself up in my bed.  He made his way from the door towards me, never breaking his stare.  Why was he not answering me?  I debated over whether or not to jump off the bed.

"I just want to talk… about last night," Ben announced at seeing my uneasiness.  He came to the side of my bed. "What happened?"

What did he mean 'what happened'?  He was there; he _did_ 'what happened'!  I glared up at him from my bed as he dropped to his knees.  He looked troubled.  Was he really that clueless?  When he reached for me, I snatched my arm away.

"Get out," I answered.  I did not want to talk, I did not want him to touch me, and I sure as hell I did not want him here, and this time I would make sure I got that across.  He furrowed his eyebrows.

"What?" he asked.  Was he hard of hearing?  Why could he not just get the message, stop trying and leave me alone?  I needed to be _alone_.

"Get out," I reiterated.  I started to get out of the bed.  Maybe open the door for him.

"Tell me what the fuck I did!" he demanded, grabbing my arm.  I was too angry to be startled.  I almost growled as I grabbed his arm and tried to rip it from mine.  He only tightened his hold and seized my other arm, standing up as he did so.  This would _not_ resemble Bobby and my meeting yesterday.  It would not.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "Marie, what happened last night?"

"Rogue!  _It's_ Rogue!  Let me go, Ben!  It's over!  It was great while it lasted.  _You_ were great, but we were a mistake.  One I wish I had never made, and it's over.  I'm sorry, I shouldn't- I shouldn't have done that to you, but I did, and I said I'm sorry…. Ben, let me go!"

"You're breaking up with me?  For what?!" Because we were not compatible, we were nothing alike, because he probably had no idea what I was like, because I did not care what he was like, because I had only been using him, and he me… because he was not John, and there was no way for me to get around that no matter how hard I had tried, because he was so great at-

"For being you!" I screamed, yanking my arms away, or rather having him release them.  He had made this so much easier than it could have been.  He had saved me a guilt trip, saved me from hating myself just by being himself.  He stared at me disbelievingly, incredulously.

"Sorry," I uttered.  And I was.  I had been so selfish, so wrapped in my own problems, and I had candy coated what I was doing, and no matter how much I justified it, it had been wrong, vindictive and heartless.  But there was nothing I could do about now.  I could not change how I felt about him or John.

"M-Rogue," he started.  When I moved toward him on the bed and pushed him backwards, he winced and grabbed my hands from his chest.  I furrowed my eyebrows confused, and then I thought about last night.  He did not try to stop me when I moved forward again, raising on my knees and reached for his shirt and pulled it up, exposing the bruises on his chest.  Logan.  He had not beat Ben up, but I was willing to bet Ben had been pushed-maybe thrown against a wall.  I ran my fingers over the purple-bluish bruises, holding the shirt up with my other hand.  Damn, Logan must have been fuming.

"I forgot my lipstick!" Tess pronounced as she burst into the room.  I jerked my hands away from Ben's shirt hastily, and moved back from him.  Tess rolled her eyes, snatched her lipstick off her bed and headed back for the door.  Shit, I knew what she was thinking.  What if she went downstairs and… told him.  We had not been doing anything.  I had only been looking at Ben's fucking bruises!  I leaped off the bed and flew after Tess.

"Tess!" I called down the hallway.  She ignored me and continued walking down the hall.  I cursed under my breath as I ran and caught up with her, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her round.  She looked angry, but I was not in the mood to deal with one of her scenes.

"Tess, nothing was happening.  _Nothing_ was happening.  And last night-" I started.  I prayed she would listen to me and not go downstairs and tell John what she thought she had seen.

"You were taking off his shirt!  I think that's qualifies as _something_!" Tess exclaimed turning around.  I grabbed her shoulder again and reiterated what I had said before.

"Shut up!  I know what I fucking saw," she shoved my hand off her shoulder.

"Tess, don't go downstairs and tell everyone what you _think _happened_,_" I started.  Why did she have to choose now to be stubborn?  Would she stop trying to fill in the blanks?

"Oh, I think I will, and I'm pretty sure Logan will be _oh-so-happy_ to hear about it, too, as soon as he comes out of the danger room!"  FUCK!  She was really going to screw me over. "Oh yeah… go to hell."

She turned and continued down the hall towards the stairs.  I stood in my spot shocked as hell to what had just happened.  I knew if I pursued I would only make things worse, but shit, if she went downstairs now, she would ruin everything I could possible have with John!  I willed my mouth shut only as Bobby came up the stairs, and I watched as Tess turned to look at me before she started talking to him.  Was she-?  My mouth dropped open again, as I realized she had already begun spreading the rumor.  Oh shit, there was no way Johnny would not find out now.

Bobby looked up, and Tess walked past him and down the stairs.  He stood staring at me, and I turned facing the wall, not wanting to deal with his smoldering stare.  I did not want to go back to my room, and down stairs was out of the choice.  I brought my hand up to my face, as I cursed once again under my breath.  Why, why, WHY was this happening?  I blinked back the tears, and clenched my jaw.  They would have to wait until I got Ben out of my room to be shed.  I dropped my hands, and Bobby walked around in front of me.  I backed up, startled that I had not been able to hear him coming.  Shit, I did not want to be bothered by him right now!  I did not want _any_ of this right now.

"So you lasted a day, too, huh?" he stated. My eyes narrowed in disgusted shock.  I wanted to slug him so freaking hard right now. "So I guess I was wrong, you're not a slut… you're a whore.  You meet a guy at the mall, lure him here, and then sleep with him the next day.  That's worse than Tess."

"Shut the _fuck _UP!" I demanded.  I would not let him do this.  I would not let him affront me or even Tess like that, in spite of all the shit she was about to cause for me.

"Why don't you make me?  I still don't understand what he did to get you to sleep with him.  I mean come on Rogue, you've had to notice that I've been trying at this for a while-for months!  And you stayed as prude as ever, but then some guy comes along from the mall, and you put out a day later.  What the fuck did he do?" I turned and started back down the hall, trying harder than ever to will my tears back, and to keep myself from turning around and striking Bobby.

"Come on, Rogue.  Why don't you share some of this new you?" He grabbed my hand and twisted me around, and leaned forward - to what seemed to me - to kiss me.  He wanted me to share a piece of myself?  Fine, _then_ I _would_ share; I would share my fucking knuckles with him!  I shoved him away and yanked my hand back, before I threw it forward in a punch to his stomach.  Maybe, I should have directed it to his face.  No, I thought as I watched him wrench over pain, it was just fine, and saved me from any broken fingers.  I turned back around and walked to my room.

"You fucking bitch!" he yelled to my back, voice still soaking with pain.

I ignored his weak cry for attention, ignored my want to scream, 'Your mom!' and stopped in front of Ben who had walked to the doorway.  Oh crap.  Ben.  Would I still have to deal with him?  He stared down at me, and I meet his gaze, staring back.  He steadily perused my face, and I wondered what he was he thinking and if he would say it.  He stepped aside to let me in my room.  I guessed it was over then.  Finally finished.  He got it.  I entered my room and turned to watch him exit into the hallway.

"Bobby, I think we need to talk about the words I just heard coming out of your mouth," he stated as he stepped into the hallway.  I felt a sudden deluge of unmistakable guilt and gratefulness inundate over me.  He was still going to defend me after what I had done?  It was more than I deserved.  Damn it, just what I needed- to be made to feel even shittier by Ben's change of character.  I closed the door, as I finally left the tears spill out.

I ran toward my bed, turning and dropping onto my knees before the nightstand, and ripped the bottom drawer open savagely, yanking my razor out.  I could not do this anymore!  I could not shun my razor any longer.  I had been stupid to believe I could replace it with Ben, and now here I was again ready to surrender to it.  My 'counselor' was back, and we had a few sessions to catch up on.

I rose off the ground, tossing my razor on my bed, before I stripped down to my underwear and undershirt. I would be going full body again.  I sat down on my bed and started removing each bandage I had placed over my cuts.  How long had I lasted?  Three days?  And every moment had felt like famine.  I unwrapped my arms and tossed the bandage to the floor.  It had needed to be changed a day ago, but I had taken neither the time nor effort to do so.  I yanked a bandage off my calf, my thigh, and then my undershirt to go at this topless, the shirt would only cause me more trouble, before I yanked more bandages from my side, my stomach, my calf again, my side nearing my back before I moved towards the center of my bed and picked my razor up again.  Ben would have loved to see me like this, no doubt.

I sliced at my arms first.  Viscously giving them all my self-disgust.  I despised myself for all I had done.  For everything I had put John, Ben, Tess, Logan, Scott _and_ myself through.  For all this shit that had happened for my not thinking, for my not caring.  And I let the sobs out, making it the first time I had cried, not counting last night, in months, but was letting out more than tears.  I slashed deeper, harder over the older cuts, ripping the sore, unhealed skin apart again and unleashing the blood.  I slashed at my thighs, my calf.  Hard, deep, angry slices and stabs.  My stomach.  I did not care if I slashed too deep; my razor was too short to hit anything.  I cut across and down and up, stopping at my breast.  I went back to my arms hoping maybe that if I cut deep enough, I would strike upon a well of satisfaction, some justification.  Something and anything to make me feel better.  I paused and shakily brought the razor to my neck, and made a shallow slice across my lower throat.  Deep enough to start to bleed, too shallow to gush.  For the first time in doing this, I wanted to die.  I half-heartedly wanted to not wake up when I was done.  Another sob wracked my body, and I went about gashing at the old cuts and scars, making new ones on my legs.

When had I changed to the person I was now?  When I had run away, on top of the statue and when Logan had left?  I had not the slightest idea; I could not remember when it had started.  And I slashed at my calves in bitterness of my not knowing.  My stomach again, and I was thinking maybe I had covered too much area in too little time.  My side, chest, shoulder, what I could reach of my back, slashing and gashing wildly at whatever piece of skin I could get to.  I had to get this feeling out of my body.  I had to go back to the first me: the innocent girl who would never dream of doing this to her body.  And finally I returned to my arms before I felt a sickening wave of vertigo deluged through me.  I slowed down trying- waiting for it to pass before I reached over the side of my bed and grabbed my undershirt.  If Tess was to burst in again with anybody, I would not want them to see more of me than they needed to.  I collapsed onto my back, not able to sit up any longer, but I was in no way handicap from using my razor.  I continued to hack away ruthlessly at my body until my arm drop to my side in fatigue and from blood loss, and I could no longer see straight.  My sight blurred from tears and dizziness.  I rolled finally over onto my stomach, completely surrounded in my own blood on my bed, still gripping my razor tightly.  I was no longer able to keep my eyelids open, and I resigned to letting them close tiredly.

I lay calmly in my bed, thinking I would get up in any second to clean up, but knowing in the back of my head, I had just dug the last foot of my grave, and thrown myself in.  Tess would find me, or someone would _before_ I would have a chance to rid of all evidence of what I had been doing, and I would be caught, and this would have been the last time I ever released myself through my razor.  The last time I would ever use my counselor, the last time I would ever be completely satisfied.  I was starting to drift into a deep sleep or maybe out of consciousness when I thought I heard a voice. It sounded like Logan.  No, he was in the danger room.  It was nothing.  Stuff like that happened after I cut, I thought as I dropped into my black abyss.

Logan ambled down the hall through the students scattered around.  Having left the showers and deciding he would finally talk to Rogue, he made his way toward the stairs.  He would have to take a chance at having the conversation go like their last, but that would not stop him.  Particularly, after the encounter he had had last night after breaking up with Jean.  A scowl crossed his face as remember the smell that had reeked off both Rogue and Ben.  The smell of smell Ben's semen, his lust, his marking of her that he had managed to catch hold of under all the trepidation, fear and anxiousness that had been radiating off her body as she ran past him.  The same smell coming off Ben that had almost made Logan kill him last night.

He spotted Tess coming down the hall toward him.  She looked determined, and as she neared him, he could sense her anger.

"Logan," she started when she had come to stand in front of him. "Look, you _really_, need to talk to Rogue.  She and Ben were like going at it like rabbits in her bed, and she's just totally gone bad."

"What? Going at it?" he started.  What the fuck did that mean?  Ben was in Rogue's bed after their little talk last night?  Did the have a death wish?  Tess nodded matter-of-factly.  From her lack of detail, she obviously wanted him to see this for himself.  He walked past her, mumbling out a 'talk to you later, kid' before heading up the stairs, two at a time.

When he reached the top, not only did he see Ben, but Bobby was present, too, and it looked like the two of them were fighting.  As he neared them, he dodged last minute as a sharp spike of ice flew past him.  What the hell were they thinking using their powers ruthlessly inside the mansion?

"Would you like to explain what the fuck you're doing?" he stated as he came upon them.  Another spike of ice flew past him before the two broke apart immediately at hearing his voice.

"Nothing, sir," Bobby stated. "Playing-er-joking around." It looked like he would have a couple more bruises to accompany those two black eyes.  Ben was holding an already melting chunk of ice in his hand.  He shot Ben a gut-wrenching glare before he threatened them with expulsion and told them to go outside if they wanted to play.

"Right, like I give a fuck," Ben answered throwing the ice at Bobby and walking past him down the hallway towards his room tossing a grave glance at Rogue's door.  Bobby turned to watch before he made his way, walking against the wall to evade Logan.  Logan watched as Ben walked into his room, slamming the door, and then as Bobby disappeared limping slightly down the stairs.  He had a feeling that that fight might have had something to do with Rogue.

He walked to her room and knocked on her door, called out her name, told her it was he, Logan.  He did not hear any movement coming from inside her room, but he was starting to catch a smell.  A memorable smell he hoped as hell he was imagining.  The same one he thought he had smelt on Rogue long ago was seeping out of her room.  Refraining from banging the door down, he punched in the emergency code and burst into her room.  There she was… on her bed covered in blood and dressed in a blood soaked undershirt and her underwear.  Her pants and shirt were scattered on the floor near her bed along with a couple of blood stained bandages.

"Marie!" he yelled.  He could still see her breathing, and ran over to her as quick as Kurt to the toilet after eating one of Kitty's muffins and turned her over onto her back.  She rolled almost lifelessly onto her back, and he could she now the deep incisions on what looked like most her body.  There among her body, wounds covered her legs.  He raised her shirt up quickly spotting the wounds that covered her stomach, stretching upwards onto her chest, fuck one shallow slice that crossed her lower neck, and her arms... They looked skinless, he was not sure if there was any unshredded skin on them.

What the fuck had happened here! There were no new scents present, except Ben's (and he would worry about that later), but her blood was too fresh to consider him.  Grateful he had decided to wear his gloves for her, he slid his arms under her body, and scooped her up.  Shit, he had to get her down to the sublevels now!  He exited the room and turned, deciding that it would be better if he took the backstairs.  It would be quicker, having less turns, and few or no students.  He only hoped there were not any kids lingering around to see this.  He knew it would scare the shit out of them to see a fellow student like this.  Half naked, skin that looked as if someone had been carving into it, and covered in blood and still bleeding, leaving a trail of blood behind them.  Shit!  She had better make it through this.  He needed her to make it through this.  He had finally decided to talk to her after last night, and, damn it, he did not want it to be too late.  He wondered how much blood she lost, and mentally started calling out for Jean and the Professor to meet him in the med lab as he sped out her room into the hallway.  When he heard the Professor and Jean in his mind asking what was wrong, he sent them the image, and told them he knew just as much as they did.

He kicked the elevator button, as he came upon it, not caring if he had crushed it or not.  Damnit, what was taking this damned thing so long!  Finally, it opened and he walked in, the door closing behind.  He lowered onto a knee as the door shut completely, resting her on his leg, and supporting her back with and arm, the other reaching across her chest to hold her head up.

"Come on, Marie," he murmured.  She was not showing any signs of being conscious.  Damnit how much blood had she lost?  He lowered his head to try to hear her heartbeat over the one thrashing in his chest.  It was nowhere near as strong as it should be.

Something shiny caught his sight, and when he looked down onto the floor he saw a razor soaked in Marie's blood.  It looked like it might have fallen from her hand.  Had she done this purposely?  Why?  What would drive her to do this to herself?  He cursed under his breath as he realized that this was his fucking fault; he had not been there for her to keep her from going to a piece of metal for release.  He readjusted her in his arms and stood up as the door opened and took her down the hall hurriedly to the med lab.  It was fucking empty!  He placed her on one of the tables.  What the hell was he supposed to do now?  He could not just stand here and watch her bleed to death!  Especially, when he was not even sure she could make it through the wait.  Fuck this!  He snapped, ripped off both his gloves, and raised his hands to hover above her face.  That had not been a tremble had it?  No, he did not fucking tremble.  What the hell was he waiting for then?  He had to do this.  He brought his hands down to the side of her face waiting.  He hoped her mutation was not turned off or whatever it could be.  Shit, this had to work, this was- he felt the sudden pull whip through him like inferno melting every one of his vessels, like there was a glacial wind slashing at each and every nerve in his body.  He could hear Jean yelling, but his vision had already reduced anything more than five feet away to black blur.  His knees buckled and he managed to see Marie's eyes open as she gasped as if breathing for the first time, before everything was encompassed by black, before the monotonous beep took over and he dropped into a black abyss, landing on the floor.

XV. Loathed


	16. Revelations

A/N: You know the drill.  _Sentences in italics, such as this, are inside-her-head conversations._  Sorry for the wait.  I had to take a week off from this story, and I managed to find seven really good teen fiction books in the school library to read which ultimately really helped me finish basically the last two page of this chapter (teen books-good?  I know I'm as shocked as you.)  Thanks, thanks Tatiana. Let's just hope I can get another chapter done this week with a new baby sister in the house.  If Johnny seems a little ooc, it's because I figured because of the given circumstances they'd be automatically closer, YA KNOW!!   Interesting fact: My pre-title for the last couple (and future) chapters has been: It's like having Stuart little shoved in my ear.  Tell me what you think about the revelations in this chapter- all tenish of them, please (code for review please).

Friday, 28 February 2003 - Saturday, 15 March 2003

XVI. Revelations

I GASPED for air as I was thrust into consciousness.  Logan plunged into my head, his mutation surging through me like a torrent, healing every one of my wounds.  The feeling was that of someone bludgeoning me awake, and the headache was quick in coming as he swam around filling my brain.  I intuitively tried desperately pushing him down and shutting him off and managed to get a modicum of him down under the mental blocks I was endeavoring to set up in the place of the ones that had inexplicably disappeared, but it felt as if there was too much of him, and it was not making him any more contented.

_Marie! Why the fuck did you do this to yourself?  How long have you been doing this? _His voice ripped irately through my mind as he effortlessly knocked down the weak blocks I had tried to place up.

I could feel him searching through my mind, getting his answer less than a millisecond later, and I pushed harder, struggling to concentrate harder on my task, striving to ignore the pain throbbing through my head like a jackhammer to my scull, wanting him out as soon as I could make it happen and ignoring the fact that he knew about my masochism.  What the hell had happened?  I tried grasping on to what was going on, starting with the facts, as I coincidently tried to rid of him.  He knew about my cutting, he was in my head, and my cuts were healing.  Easy, he had touched me, but why the fuck could I not feel my body and where were my blocks, and why could I not feel my body?  No sound, nothing to look at but the perpetual black void that encased me.  No sign that I came with anything but a head for the ache.  Nothing.  Was I dead?  

_No, but when I found you, you nearly were.  You were in your bed covered in blood and with cuts all over your body._

He had found me in my bed?  Then I must have never woken to clean after myself, and that meant it _had_ been his voice that I thought I had been hearing before the last of my consciousness had slip away from me.

_And now I find out you've done this more than once?  Wanna explain why?_

No, I did not.  I did not want to do any explaining.  What I wanted was an explanation of what I was experiencing.  I called out mentally to the Professor for help.  I could not figure why I was having such a difficult time attempting to push Logan down.  He was not even fading the slightest bit.  The blocks were going down hard, shattering like glass against my will and at his.  He almost felt… permanent, but he could not be.  From what I could tell from the memories that had flooded in, he had not held on for any longer than he had when he was saving my life up on the statue, and I managed then, with the Professor's help, to push him down along with Magneto.  So why was this any different?

_That's right, darlin'.  I'm not shutting up anytime soon until you tell me why the fuck you did this to yourself._

I could not hear the Professor answer and resigned to try to adjust to Logan's presence in my head, hoping it would somehow alleviate the headache.  Was he aware that he was causing me pain?  He felt like an information overload, like an everlasting brain-freeze.

_You're in my head.  Find out yourself, _I answered getting irritated with his unremitting attitude, his alien existence, the pain he was still causing me.__

_Good idea,_ he retorted, and I felt him again searching my thoughts.  I did not want him searching through my head like this.  I did not want him _in my head_.__

_PROFESSOR! _I screamed hoping he, Jean or any damned telepath would catch my cry.  I did not even think I was even conscious anymore.  It was the only reason I could think of for why the Professor was not answering me.__

_Watch your language, Marie!_ Could he hear every freaking thing I thought?  Where had all my mental strength gone?  If I had lost control, then where were Eric, Cody, and John?__

_Shut up, _I retorted. _You curse like a… person who curses a lot…_

_I think you mean a sailor,_ John answered.  Oh fuck.  John?  Right well, there was the answer to my question, but I did not want another addition in my head, particularly when I had no idea what I was going through or where I was.  When would I know what the hell was happening!__

_How'd you get in her head?_ Logan questioned confused.  I remembered when I had absorbed Johnny I had immediately locked him away, not giving myself any time to get used to his presence at all.  Having him here in my head after all that had happened since that Wednesday night would just be extremely weird.  I only hoped that because the Professor had done the work that Eric and Cody were still locked away for good.

_I touched him,_ I answered quickly, not wanting to go into that right now.  My mind was gradually adjusting to having them both present.__

_Yeah, we'll talk about it later.  I think you're startin' to wake up,_ Logan pointed out.__

"She will no longer be able to control her mutation.  I'm not certain if this is permanent or temporary.  Most likely we will have to start at step one again in our Saturday sessions.  It seems she went through a mental break down," I heard the Professor's distant voice say.  Start at step one?  I would have to start over in the sessions again?  But I had almost been done!  I thought about before and wondered how it qualified as a mental breakdown.  How I must have lost all control when I had picked up my razor.  It was why I had failed to repress Logan and why John was back.  I had destroyed everything I had learned, everything I had gained, everything I had worked so fucking hard for in less than one day, less than one hour.  I had lost all control while I had been cutting.  I had screwed up again.

_Then it's good thing I got my kiss in before hand, _Johnny answered.  How did he know about the kiss, I had absorbed him before that?  My attention was dragged back to the levity in the rest of his statement.  Wait, had he just said that?

_You're not a screw up, Marie.  You just continuously make the wrong decisions… Kiss??  Is that how you absorbed him?_

_No.  I never _said_ I was a screw-up,_ I answered.  I did not want to talk about this now.  I wanted to regain control over my body, my senses, my mutation and my brain.  I wanted to hear the rest of this conversation.  I wanted to now how long I would not be able to touch?

"I can't believe she would do that to herself," I heard Jean's voice say.  Well then, I must have tripped and fallen on the razor, I thought bitterly.  She sounded closer, less distant.  Maybe they were actually just standing farther away.

"I wish I had sensed this before.  My fear of invading her personal thoughts held me back."  Luckily for me, but it did not matter any more.  Logan said he had found me in my bed where I had apparently passed out.  I could feel the emotions that had run through him at seeing me like that as his memories flashed through my head.

_We did kiss right?  It wasn't a dream or something, was it? _Johnny asked.  Was that the case?  Were my thoughts just like an open bank or something that they had free-anytime access to?__

_Pretty much, _Johnny answered.  Having my mind open to others like that, to John and Logan, was not something I wanted.  There were some things I did not want them to know whether they technically could not find out or not, specifically, the whole situation with Ben.

_How is it that you chose to tell _him_ what you do to yourself?  He fucking _kissed_ you after you told him, didn't that say a damn thing about him? _I could feel Logan's anger starting to flare again.  It had not at the time, and it did now, but that did not matter now.  It was over.  Everything was fucking over.  Johnny stayed particularly silent, probably receiving the full update of what our status was.

"How are we going to explain Rogue and Logan to the students?" Jean asked.  The students?

_We're not the only people in this mansion, Marie._ Right, and they would want some sort of explanation.

"We will not disclose Rogue's situation for her own well-being.  We will release it as an 'accident'."  I was not sure if I cared whether the students knew or not about my masochism.  It would just be another unproven rumor for Tess to spread.

"Scott and Ororo will handle the trail of blood that was made when Logan brought her down here.  It won't be gone before a few of the students have a chance to see it first though… Scott found her razor in the elevator." I had left a trail?  How nice.  The thought sickened me, and I could only imagine what seeing my crimson trail would do to the students, Scott and Ororo.  She had said Scott had found my razor; it must have still been in my hand when Logan had carried me here.

_You're not getting it back,_ Logan stated.

_Thanks for the update, Logan, _I responded bitterly.  Maybe I was a little misguided, and even a little naive, but I was not stupid.  I was fully aware of the fact that I would never get my razor back.

Judging by the hairs sticking up on my body as the rest of the feeling in my body returned, I figured I was still dressed in my bloody undershirt and knickers on top of one of the cold, MediLab tables.  I tried opening my eyes, only to have them blinded by the piercing light.  Great, I thought as I wrenched them shut and turned my head.  I knew where I was, what had happened and partially what was going on.  I looked down at my body reaffirming that I was still half naked and cover in blood… and all my scars were gone.  Every single one had disappeared, even the old ones.  There was no evidence on my body that I had ever been a masochist.

_You sliced up your entire body, including your old scars, darlin'._ They were all gone.  I had nothing now.  No razor, no scars, and no one, except Logan and Johnny in my head, and most likely the real Logan, who would not let me out of his sight after I was released.  Great, I was sure I would _love_ having two of them around.

I tried moving my legs.  Yeah, I had control again, but my arms would not budge from over my head.  I tried again to pull them down.  I could feel them, and they were moving, but-

_They're tied back_, _darlin'_, Logan told me.__

_Tied back?  THEY TIED ME UP?_ What was I, their freaking prisoner?  I arched my back sharply trying to see what they were tied to.  All I could see was my fingers as I flexed them. 

_Just to be careful_, Logan answered.  I slumped back down feeling violated and incensed.  What was this, some kind of erotic fantasy scene?

_Do they think I'll jump the next sharp object I see?_ I asked bitterly.  I was pissed.  Pissed at their ignorance.  I was still Rogue, not some out of control girl with a fetish.  Yes, I had lost control and used my razor, but it had not been because I had some weird obsession with sharp objects; it was because I had nothing else to turn when the worst came!  I could not believe they had tied me up like this.  I yanked and pulled ferociously at what ever was restraining me.  Some kind of straps or something tied to the table somewhere.

"She's awake," Jean declared.  No _shit_.  I heard her walk over as I yanked at my arms again.  I opened my eyes again, coming to glare at her as they adjusted to the light again.  She leaned over, staring down at me.  I wanted to jump up and bite her or something for doing this.  In the mist of all the chaos that had been happening, Jean had managed to think to tie my _unconscious_ and _bloody_ body down to the table!  I felt so _safe_ under her judgment.

_Calm down, Marie,_ Logan demanded, sensing the resentment and hate running through my body.  Yeah, like I was going to be listening to him anytime soon.

_You want to bite her?_ Johnny asked.  Maybe that had not been the best way to say… to think my feelings.  I resolved to ignore him anyway.

"I had to press you into your subconscious so I could get Logan onto one of the platforms, and make sure he was okay," My mouthed parted in shock at the tone of voice she was using.  I was not a freaking three-year old, she could at least acknowledge that in her tone of voice.  I rolled my eyes and turned to see Logan, still unconscious, lying on a table.  He _was_ okay, right?  I prayed that I had not killed him, and that I did not now hold the complete persona of Logan in my head.

"You tied me up," I stated fumingly after I had turned back to her_._  I wanted her reason.  Yeah, let her tell me-us-_me_ what rationale she had had for this.

_Why am I shirtless?_ Logan asked.  I turned and looked back at Logan's body lying limply on the table and noticed this time that he was shirtless and in his boxers.  Maybe it was standard.__

_Or maybe she couldn't wait to get your shirt off again, _I was amazed at how in the middle of all this shit Johnny was still managing to joke around.

_You reading my thoughts?_ Logan asked fumingly.

_No, I can't read what you think,_ John answered defensively.

"I'm sorry, Rogue," _Liar_, "but I had to.  It's only until we figure out how to deal with your situation."  My situation.  Right, right, I should just get _used_ to them thinking the worst for now because that _would_ be what they thought.

"So what, am I in trouble?" I asked still angry.

"No," the Professor answered, coming into my view.  Damnit, did they not have something down here that I could put on.  I did not want to talk to the Professor in my underwear. "You will, of course, attend counseling meetings, along with your Saturday sessions."

"I already have a counselor," I answered.  Jean turned to look at the Xavier, uncertainly.  No, I did not mean my razor.  Not anymore anyway. "I mean Logan-I-he's in my head, now, and…." He would not shut up.

_Is that what your razor was to you?_ John asked.  I nodded, forgetting that it had been and inner-mind conversation.

_Yeah, it was,_ I answered.  I noticed that Logan had not made one of his comments.  Did that mean something- good or bad- or did he just have nothing to say?

"We'll have to set up your mental blocks again.  They-," the Professor proclaimed.

"No!  I mean don't lock them up," A look of skepticism crossed his face at my almost desperate plea.  Yeah, I wanted to keep them, and I had no idea why.  

"You want to keep him in your head?" Jean asked.  And Johnny.  I nodded, and the Professor did the same.

"I think Logan will insist on counseling you when awakes." Of course, he would.  I turned looking at him again and asked how much damage I had done.

"He should be waking up very soon," Jean answered, walking away with the Professor.  I did not remember ever seeing Logan so vulnerable aside from after having come in contact with my skin.  I almost felt proud in a perverse way.  He was going to kill me when he woke up.

_Stop staring, _Logan commanded.  I looked away.  He was so freaking egotistical at times.  I had not been staring; even if I had it had not been in the way he might have been thinking.  I turned back to Jean, who was presently escorting Xavier out of the room.  I let my eyes follow them as they neared the exit talking, but too far away for me to hear what they were saying.  I watched as they evanesced around the corner, leaving me in solitude.  I tried to enjoy it, knowing it would be the only solitude I would get for awhile, but I could not, not while everything was still fresh on my mind.  I turned again to examine Logan to find him taking his last step towards my table.  I jumped, startled, having heard nothing but silence while he had been advancing towards me.

"Damn, Logan, don't do that," I commanded, glaring at him, almost gritting my teeth.  I was not presently in the best of moods.  How did he manage to do that anyway?  He was not the most light-footed looking of people.  He looked down at me with an expression resembling one of being pissed.  Nice to see that we were on the same level.

"Calm down, Marie... You know where my clothes are?" He rotated looking around the MediLab for is clothes.  I wondered if it had really been necessary for Jean to undress him.  It seemed a bit overboard to me for her to have stripped him down to his boxers when he had no wounds that needed to be tended to.  He walked away from me searching around the MediLab for his clothes, and I almost snickered seeing him play hide and seek for his clothes in his boxers, but I figured I was probably already in enough trouble with him as it was.

_Could you change the view? _Johnny asked as Logan bent over looking under one of Jean's lab tables for his belongings.  Okay, maybe now I was staring.  Not like I could help it.  I mean there was not much to look at in here.  He let out a low growl as he failed to find them there.

"Logan?" He turned to me. "Could you untie me? … I'll help you find your clothes."

"Sure.  You wanna explain why the fuck you did that to yourself?" he asked, walking over to me, letting a claw slide out.  I almost cringed at the sight, but then mused at the thought of having my own.  As I watched it extend to its full length, I felt my fingers twitch from the burning-itching sensation in my knuckles.  I wondered if I _did_ have my own.

_That would be awesome,_ Johnny commented.  I found myself agreeing, but wondering what I would do with claws?  Gut Tess?  No, of course, not, I told myself.  Even if she did deserve it, I would never… touch her insides.  I kept my mouth shut as Logan sliced through the bonds like they were paper.  Fascinating.

Would I get double doses of questions from the Logans- and so far it sounded that way- or would Inner-Logan let Logan take over on the majority of the harassment?  I sat up and pulled myself to the edge of the table instinctively scratching my knuckles, as I watched more or less obsequiously as his claw slid back in between his knuckles.

"… I slipped and fell," I answered nervously throwing the joke out.  He did not look amused, and I dropped my eyes from his.  Evading eye contact seemed like a good idea.  Especially when he had that look on his face.  His seriously pissed expression that had originated from worry and told me I was in trouble.  I let my eyes fall to his chest.  Seemed like a safe spot.  Having him in my head where there was no chance of my avoiding him at all was enough to deal with already.  

"Could we talk about it later… I was hoping I could go upstairs and take a shower," I pronounced looking down at my body, which was covered in _mostly_ dry blood. "You're clothes are over there."

I pointed to Jean's desk where I had last seen them when I had been watching Jean and Xavier talk.  He walked around my table towards her desk to retrieve his clothes, and I twisted watching him.  I had never noticed it before, but Logan had an especially distinctive walk- Okay, maybe I had noticed it before, but-

"Stop staring," he commanded.  Clenching my jaw, I slowly twisted back around.  I resolved to be the better person and suppress any caustic comment I had had.  I pushed myself forward and slid off the table, feet landing on the artic cold floor and shivered wanting to jump back onto the table presently warm with my body heat.  This was not the place to be without socks.

Logan returned pulling his shirt down completely over his head.  I steered my eyes clear of him until he had the shirt on completely.  No need to initiate his egoism.

"Come on, we'll go upstairs, you'll do what you need, and then we're gonna talk," he announced.  So he had it all planned out now?  I had not done any real 'talking' with Logan- that did not include me lying through my teeth about my masochism- since the time I had tried to give him back his dog tags.  I was not so sure how it would go.  Definitely iffy on if I even wanted to.  Maybe I could stake out in the shower for… ever.

_I don't think so._  Ugh, I had almost forgotten about inner-Logan.  I was literally trapped.  There was no way I could get out of this.

"I can't go upstairs like this, Logan.  They'll freak especially since you've got blood on your clothes, too." Either that or be stunned by my half-nakedness.  Something they would talk about for months.  Wrenching the juice out of it until it was dead and forgotten or replaced by another gossip topic.  Speaking of gossip topics. The trail of blood I could see running from my table to the exit would definitely serve as one.  And plus, my skin's threat to the student's safety had returned.  I did not need another personality in here.

"Yeah, I know.  I'll get you something to put on. Come on." What about him?  He had blood smeared over the front of his clothes.  He started walking, leading the way, and I followed him out the MediLab, down the hall, past the elevator where my gaze finally broke from my trail of blood as it curve into the elevator.  We stopped at his locker, and a sense of dread flowed through me as I remember the last trip I had made down here.  There would be no stealing of boxers this time, I reminded myself.  Did he know Kitty had gotten them from down here?

_Does Tess still have his boxers? _Johnny asked.  Logan's boxers were her long lost treasure.

_Yeah, _I replied._ Probably still wearing them, too._

_Tell her I still want those back. _Sure thing.  Because you know Tess and I talked _all_ _the_ _time_.  I could just slip it in during one of our woman-to-woman convos.

"Here," He threw a pair of sweatpants at me as he rummaged through his locker.  Slipping them on, I realized that they were just a _little_ too big as I stood up.  They slid back down my butt, and I grabbed them, wrenching my hand around the waist to hold them up.  The jacket landed over my head while I wrestled with the pants, and I grabbed it trying to yank it over my head as speedily as I could before my-his pants fell down again.  The jacket was not any smaller.  I could deal though.  The pants on the other hand… He closed his locker and turned to face me.  I looked up at him, jacket reaching half way down my thighs, and pants bunched down around my ankles.  This was _not_ happening.

_Don't you look so cute? _Johnny commented.  I rolled my eyes and clenched my jaw (his attribute I think, or maybe I had just picked it up from Scott) angrily.  Wow, what a comedian, I thought sarcastically.  Damn, was he _asking_ for a beating?

"A little big," Logan stated.  Really, I had not noticed.  I reached down, snatched the pants and pulled them back up, twisting the waistband tight around above my hips and keeping a death grip on it.

_What are you gonna do?  Knock your head against the wall?_ Johnny was laughing at me now, amused by his own sick sense of humor.  I let out an irritated growl that shut him up and raised Logan's eyebrows.  Damnit, had I just growled?  I muttered out an apology, and he nodded reluctantly.

"Forgot about that," he mumbled.  Forgot about what?

_That you start acting like me.  _Oh.  I had noticed it too, specifically, the new tendency I had to curse during every other sentence.  Yeah, well he would have to get used to having a miniature him walking around the school.  Especially, since now I had an excuse to be a bitch to any and everybody.

_You're just in a bad mood, _Johnny remarked.  And I wondered why?

I followed Logan down the hall again, back to the elevator and my trail.  I guess he was going to go upstairs like that anyway.  Logan pressed the button, glancing back at me with an amused grin.  I did not know, but maybe he could smell my frustration.

_Yeah.  It's reeking off you in waves, Marie. _Another fact to add to the 'nice to know' list, I thought as the elevator door opened.  Maybe I did need to calm down, but it felt like all of this was swiftly rushing down upon me.  And it was.  The measure of what I had done, and the consequences I would have to go through for the next… damn, part of my life here at the mansion _without my razor_ slammed down on me like a brick, and I felt myself choke on my breath as we entered the elevator.

I stepped forward tremulously following Logan and tripped on the leg of my pants.  I was falling forward fast and knew my landing would be hard.  I reached out frantically grabbing at the air in front of me for invisible support.  And it happened in slow motion like a melodramatic scene from a movie.  It happened to be that Logan was in front of me entering the elevator, and I caught onto the back of him hoping that he would stop my fall.  Instead, I ended up pushing him roughly face-first into the wall, and I slammed down onto the floor on my face.

"Ow," I mumbled painfully into the ground.  Logan cursed irefully in his low menacing voice from the wall, and I wondered if he was going to hurt me.  No, sensibly not.  That was not a possibility.  Damn, my face freaking hurt.  I hoped I had not lost any teeth.  I wanted my teeth- all of them.  I loved my teeth; I did not want to part with any of them.

_Stop rambling.  What's that in your hands?_ Johnny asked.  What?  There was something about the way he had said it that made me think he was amused by the whole situation.  Typical of him to laugh when I fell.  Immature jerk.

_You know you love me,_ Yeah, whatever_.  Actually, judging by what you felt during that kiss, I don't understand why you just don't walk up to me and tell me.  Oh, and I forgive you for letting Ben give you a hickey._  Ignore, ignore, ignore.__

_You told him _no_?_ Logan asked disbelievingly.  Was he talking about Thursday?  And what was with his random questioning?

_She told me no, _Johnny reiterated factually. They continued to refer to me in the third person and reproachfully discuss my love life, while I decided to pretend I could not hear them.  I raised my head from the floor, ready to experience Logan's reaction, and my mouth dropped to the floor at what I saw.  Either they both noticed it, too, or my shock was overwhelming, but they shut up.

"Oh my God," I gasped.  My razor!  No, my fingers clamped around Logan's pants pulled down around his ankles.  Just like mine had been before except… his boxers were pulled down along with them.

_Do _NOT_ look up!_ Logan demanded.  I winced as his strident yell pierced through my head.  I was still adjusting to his presence and yelling had not helped any.  Any anyway indubitably I was going to look up.  Logan was half-naked- not meaning his shirt-_,_ and this was one of those once-in-a-lifetime events that I was not going to miss.  I did not waste anytime; my head shot up like a bullet, and…

_Wow, Logan.  _He did not answer; maybe he was angry at me for ignoring his demand, or maybe he was just embarrassed that I had seen his family jewels, but, shit, talk about a marvel!

_Perve, _Johnny disapproved of my absorption with the view.  How could I not gape?  He was Logan, and he was half-naked.  I mean damn and wow!

Should I pull his pants back up for him? I asked them.  I wondered what his reaction would be if I did. 

_No,_ was Logan's curt answer. _Don't make it any worse._

Logan bent down and quickly snatched his pants and boxers from my hands and back up around his waist.  It took me a moment to recover, and when I did I hurried to my knees, stood hastily, and tried to take another step into the elevator.  My pants plummeted to my ankles again, and I tripped over them once more, taking a nose-dive into the elevator wall.  Fuck, my face was going to hurt like hell.  I dropped to the floor on my back like a sack of potatoes and found myself looking up at Logan, who was presently past shocked.

"These pants… They're not working for me," I stated.  Johnny was laughing like a maniac, and I wanted so much to block him out or just knock him out.

"Take 'em off," I raised my eyebrows curiously. "Take them off or just deal, but do _not_ do that again, and keep your mouth shut about it.  I don't my-I don't wanna hear any students talking about any part of my body."

_Yes, sir.  I promise I won't spread word about your-er… genitals._  I refrained myself from using the appropriate adjective.

I nodded and pushed myself up as the door closed, and a few moments later opened.  He had taken that better than I had expected.  I was pretty sure we would have both been busting our guts laughing if his boxers had not joined his pants, and I had not exposed his privates.  Instead the ride had been unnervingly soundless.  Logan walked out first, leading the way again, and I took careful steps behind him, clutching at the waist of my pants like my life depended on it.  I would not be falling anytime soon- or again if I could help it because I valued my life and dignity, and I did not know how much more damage my face could take.  I raised a hand, running it over my face feeling for bumps and bruises.  None, so far, but we still had the stairs.  I sighed, and my eyes were moved to my trail as we continued following it.

'_Your'_ _trail?  What's your obsession over this thing, Marie?  If anything you should be cringing at the sight,_ Logan proclaimed.  Yeah, I _should_ be, but I was not.  And how could I when making myself bleed was a hobby. 

_You know nothing about masochism,_ I retorted.  I did not see how see my own blood should make me cringe.  It was a little too late for cringing.

_I know enough from you,_ he replied.  And so he would.

I trailed up the back stairs after Logan feeling like his puppy, Tess.  As we reached the top, the group of students scattered along the hall was exposed to my view.  I guess my trail had gathered and audience, and it looked like we would have one, too.  I _knew_ it had been a bad idea for Logan to come upstairs in his bloodstained outfit, and my being in his oversized clothes was not exactly an inconspicuous.  Thankfully, most the blood on my body was covered because practically all the students started ogling us as we neared my room, and I tried desperately to ignore their raised eyebrows, skeptical looks and frighten glances.

_Just ignore them, Marie,_ Johnny advised, voice full of fortification.  And I felt the smile tug at the corner of my lips as I became conscious of the fact that he had called me Marie, and the tone that had been in his voice had sounded protective almost- Okay, so maybe I did love him.  I bit my lip roughly trying to will the smile down until we at least got to my room.

"Go downstairs now," Logan commanded peremptorily, and the students obeyed like startled little puppies moving away at the sound of their master's livid voice, and I almost laughed.

_Don't get egotistical, _inner_-_Logan said as Logan punched in the code to my room and opened the door.  How did he know the code?  From Tess maybe?  He held it open for me, glaring around at the slowly dispersing students behind us as I entered my room and then followed me into the room closing the door behind him.  I sighed and walked over to the side of my bed and stared down at the literally soaked sheets, figuring I would not have been surprised if the mattress was, too.  Oh crap, what a fucking mess.

_And you're cleaning it up, too_, Logan proclaimed, much to my annoyance.  Yeah, yeah, later anyway.  I let Logan's pants drop to my ankles, and kicked them off to the side, and then stripped the jacket off over my head, and threw it in the same pile with the pants.  I stopped abruptly realizing that Logan was still in here.  I turned around, probably blending in very well with the bloody bed and raised an eyebrow at Logan questioningly.  He was standing there nonchalantly as if it would be normal.  He did not think he was going to stand there and watch, did he?  Whether things were strictly paternal or not, it was not going to happen.

_You know what they say- show me yours, and I'll show you mine, and, well, you did see his…_Did he not know when to shut up?

_Shut up, John, _Logan responded for me.

"Hurry up," Logan declared.  If he had not noticed I was covered in blood, not to mention I was dirty as well.  I narrowed my eyes menacingly.  He was not going _rush_ me and watch.  I was going to take as much time as I needed, and I would do it in private.__

"Logan, I want to shower and change.  Could you go stand outside?" I asked, resolving to ignore his last demand and replying with as much patience I could dredge up from my subconscious.  He stood there unresponding and unreasoning at first and then rigidly turned around to face the wall.  That was not unerringly what I had had in mind.

_It's the best you'll get, darlin'._ And if anyone knew that, it would be him.  I sighed feeling somewhat defeated and turned around to proceed to undress.

_"Don't_ turn around," I demanded.

"Don't worry," he retorted.  I rolled my eyes.

_Close your eyes or sumthin_, I demanded to John and Logan, who had already seemed to do so.  Good boys.  Now I would only have to partially worry about Logan.  I did not think he would be a problem though if I did not make any sudden movements.  I proceeded to wearily pull my shirt up.

"Oh my Gawd!  What happened!  I came in here and there was like blood everywhere again.  Rogue, you better not tell me that it's '_the_ _curse'_ because there was like 50 tons of blood on your bed, and I forgive you for what you said to me yesterday.  Logan?" Tess exclaimed bursting into the room, her rapid succession of words barely comprehensible.  I instinctively yanked my shirt back down and turned around to face Tess.  The curse?  Oh, yes, the menstrual cycle.  _She_ forgave _me_?  Oh, please, I thought astringently.

_What's with her choice of appearances? _Johnny asked reappearing.  I almost shrugged, agreeing with him that she did have a tendency to burst into places.  I could see Jubilee and Kitty trying to squeeze in from behind her, pushing her forward through the doorway.  Like rats, I thought, rushing forward to their food.

_Interesting analogy.  Cruel nonetheless,_ Johnny commented.  Did he come with a comment for everything?  That was what Kitty, Jubilee and Tess looked like as they stumbled into the room searching for gossip topics.

"Hey, what's, like, up?"  Kitty asked.  I removed my hands from my shirt and let my gaze fall beyond them in the hall.  Damn it, was that Bobby in the hall?  Wondered if that meant John or Ben were outside, too.

_There goes your bestest friend, _I announced acrimoniously.  Bobby had seriously worked up a vast amount of repugnance in me for him.  I was beyond tired of forgiving the unrelenting bastard.

_Sorry Marie, I did not think he would ever do those things to you-_ Yeah, whatever.  I zoned him out.  I did not care to engage in a conversation about him at the moment.  I glared at Bobby and brought my eyes back onto Tess, Kitty and Jubilee trying to ignore the returning tingling sensation in my knuckles.  Logan was trying to herd them out as they continued to ask questions.  Kitty took one good look at Logan, my bed and then me, all three of us covered in blood, and screamed.

The slowly dispersing students were hasty to their return.  I brought my arms up across my chest to cover what skin I could.  Not that it helped.  I was still half naked, and they could still see that.  Logan harshly shoved Jubilee, Kitty and Tess out stumbling into the hallway into the rest of the students and slammed the door furiously.  _That_ had been a scene if I had ever seen one… no pun intended.

"Okay….  I'll take my shower now," I said ineptly staring at Logan who I could actually… smell the irritation flowing off of.  He grunted in response, this time not bothering to turn back around.  I did not care.  I would be in the bathroom anyway.

_Logan your mutation is awesome,_ Johnny stated.  It was.  Smelling his emotion was… weird- in a useful kind of way.  _Now you'll know when to stay away._  I walked to my dresser and pulled out a clean pair of clothes, ready to peel the clothes off my encrusted my body and jump into the shower.

The door slammed open again, startling both Logan and me.  My clothes dropped out of my hand, and I turned to see a seething Tess- Jubilee and Kitty behind her- and a few students, including Bobby, watching from the hallway.

"This is _MY_ room, and if I want to come in… I WILL!" Tess screamed at Logan.  Oh fuck, would she not just give it up!  Logan was going to kill her, and I was going to have no problem watching.  Bobby stepped up closer to the door, pushing Jubilee out the way and leaning in to look at me.  I reached down and grabbed my clothes from the ground, raising them up to cover my body.  He looked at Logan, sizing up his clothes and my bed, and then me again, eyebrows raised.

"Damn, you _literally_ really fucked her up bad," he commented.  I stepped forward in rage, Logan simultaneously doing the same.  My hands started to go numb.  The feeling reached up into my wrist.  I did not care, I was too anger to even fully notice.  How long did Bobby think I would put up with his shit?  Forever?  Because I was thinking I had finally had enough.  Logan got to him first, and I heard what I thought was a growl from him as he yanked Bobby, who had tried to back away, by his collar off the ground a couple of inches… feet.  Kitty, Jubilee and Tess retreated cravenly into the hallway, and the rest of the students did not hesitate this time to start moving away.  They moved back from Logan and Bobby like timorous sheep from a ravenous wolf.

_Doesn't this look familiar,_ Logan noted.  Yeah it did, a couple of nights back when Logan had threatened him about hurting Tess.  You would think Bobby would freaking learn.  The numbness had transformed to burning in my hands, and I disregarded it gritting my teeth irately as I watched Logan hold a pusillanimous Bobby in the air wishing I were the one doing the threatening, making Bobby cringe like the dismal dog he was.  And wishing I had been the one closest to Bobby, so I could have been the one sending him plummeting into the hallway on the floor afterwards.

"Let me give you a little hint," he orated this to everyone in the hall, "don't _ask_ to come in, don't _burst_ in, don't even fucking _knock_, and maybe I'll get over the fact that I told you go downstairs five minutes ago."

The door slammed violently into the frame with a thud that had to mean it was in someway broken.  Logan turned around again fury flowing off in waves again, and I realized felt the same way.  His expression changed though and so did the scent coming off him. I tried to read his expression, his new scent.

_Shock, _Logan announced expertly knowing what it was.  Shock?  I did not understand.  That I felt the same way?  Bobby's statement had been directed to me as much as it had been toward him.  I was just as angry.

_You're bleeding again, _Johnny pointed out, his voice eerily low.  What?  No, I had stopped bleeding a long time ago.  Damnit.  What did Logan and John know that they were not telling me?

"Marie…." Logan was staring at me, but his eyes were not directed toward mine.  They were aimed lower.  I looked down wanting to desperately know what was going on.  There was blood dripping onto the floor on both sides of me.  And the fiery feeling in my hands was suddenly brought to my awareness as I raised them in front of me and stared at them in revelation as the blood trailed down my wrist from the wounds caused by the six bone claws that had punctured through the skin between my knuckles.

XVI. Revelations


	17. Therapy

A/N: I'm going by 'origin' for Logan's/Rogue's claws.  In the book, the claws are over the index, middle and ring fingers.  In the movie, the claws are between the knuckles.  Seeing as that is nothing but trivial, I'm not even going to mention where they are except on her hands.  Also, I'm borrowing Jenn's … thing and making Johnny a pyrotechnic- instead of having to start the flame with a flame starter or a lighter (which is useless if there aren't any) he can mentally create his own.  Thanks for the reviews.  I'm going to miss checking for them every day and rereading them every second when this story ends in the next chapter.  Oh and I don't have a poster of Orlando Bloom above my bed that I kiss to sleep every night, not that I wouldn't like one.

(Saturday, 15 March 2003) Saturday, 22 March 2003 – Friday, 28 March 2003

XVII. Therapy

"Where should I start?" I asked jadedly staring down at my feet as I sat knees together, feet spread like timorous little girl and occasionally threw a glance towards the claws I had not yet summoned the strength or concentration to retract.  My hands gripped the edge of the bed on either side of me making the claws protrude into the air.  Three on each hand—all made of an ivory bone that left the skin around them jaggedly torn from the slightly round tips and the uneven surfaces and exposed the claret underside that reminded me of my skin the first time I had cut it open—serrated and messy.  The six claws that extended almost an inch past my middle finger, having made their appearance for the sole rationale of tearing into Bobby's flesh.   The bleeding had stopped almost the instant when Logan's mutation had kicked in and started the rapid coagulation as what little blood—compared to that which already covered my body—had dripped slowly down my skin, running into friction with dried blood on my arms.  My incredulous stares, trembling and recurrent blinking had reduced to nothing but infrequent glances and shivers from my state of dress, and with that my grasping of the fact that I had Logan's claws had taken place.  I now had Logan's characteristics, healing-factor, a replica of his personality and his claws—better enjoy them while I could, who knew how long they would last.  I felt like such a leech, but could not help but wonder intriguingly if I was also a pyrokinetic.  _You are now more scary than cute,_ Johnny had commented.  I had yet to thank him on the compliment.__

"The beginning," Logan answered merely.  He had been just as mystified, shocked and taken aback at the sight of my claws as I had, but not so much for the reason that I had them, but the fact that they were bone and not metal disclosed a piece of the past he was searching for.  I had realized that he must have been thinking the same thing as he held my hands by my wrists with his gloved hands,—I had had to remind that the hazard was back—that these claws were apart of his mutation, not some additions given to him by some experimentalist scientists.  I was sure that he would go to the Professor later, and my claws would open some doors to his past.  Nice to know I had been a help to someone, I had thought to myself.

The beginning?  That had been a while ago.  I would have to dig back almost five months.  The beginning of my stay at this school, the beginning of Logan's journey, the beginning of my masochism.  The beginning of what would end in hell five months later.  The beginning of a succession of serious mistakes I would forever regret.  And he wanted to know it all.  Then this would be a long talk I guessed, and I still had not taken my shower.  I squeezed the bed under my hands anxiously and started.

"I started after you left," I began slowly.  "I- I didn't know what to do.  Shit, I had no idea what to do, and I hadn't really planned that far ahead when I left home."  I paused and looked up to see what he was doing.  He was watching me carefully and listening, sitting across from me on Tess's bed.  Why did this feel like a therapy session all of a sudden?  I lowered my eyes resignedly back to my feet, stopping my view at my claws again on the way.  I cleared my throat.

"I hated it here afterwards.  They were all afraid of me so no one really wanted to talk to me except the adults until finally Jubilee and Kitty decided they needed entertainment, and I even hated them.  And I hated you most of all for picking me up and dropping me off here.  I hadn't planned on running away to a school, Logan," I spit out heatedly. "And I sure as hell didn't need the school to be made to feel like shit.  I had that pretty much covered on the road…. I didn't need to be brought here for that."  I stopped, acknowledging that I had gone to far back.  He wanted to know when I had started cutting myself, not my life story.  I needed to skip ahead a couple of weeks.  Where had inner Logan and Johnny evanesced to suddenly?  They bothered me every other moment, but now when what I had to say involved them they could not stay around?  I clenched my jaw irefully.

"Eric-Magneto-I still had a lot of him in my head.  I think maybe it was his mutation that got me started.  I had a new fascination with metal, and it was only so long until I cut myself with a piece.  At first, you stopped me," I looked up at Logan, who still had his eyes on me. "Your memories, anyway, of the lab.  You didn't like the cutting, but then later the Professor helped me lock you all up, and there was no one to stop me.  I got over the pain pretty easily.  So I had found my new outlet… and it worked, so I kept it…." That was it.  There was nothing more to it—nothing I wanted to add or say.  He did not looked satisfied as he took it all in; he stayed silent for what seemed like an hour.

"What about Tess and when I came back.  Why didn't you stop then?" he asked.  I stared indifferently at Logan.  Right, he wanted to know everything.  He wanted to know how I felt about his bringing Tess back.  How I felt about being replaced by a rich valley-girl from Beverly Hills.  This _was_ a therapy session.  Too bad I just could not give him a memory transfer or use telepathy to let him and inner-Logan talk.  I had truthfully been hurt at first, but then I had accepted it, realized where Logan and I were on the relationship scale and gotten over it. Why should I have jealous?  It had not been like he was my father or boyfriend.  

"We had _nothing_ when you came back, Logan.  You were just another teacher whose face I had just happened to see before I got here.  After, Xavier blocked you out; that was it.  You were a guy I had known for four days, and then you were gone for five months….  Of course, I didn't fully realize that until you and Tess came back.  You know, I thought we'd be the best of friends," I stopped, looking up but not at him, turning to stare at the new Orlando Bloom poster above Tess's bed.  The poster Tess now so dearly called Orli and Lando and other sick nicknames before she gave it a kiss goodnight.  I really did not want to do this: tell him everything, but inner-Logan already knew, and something told me the real Logan had a right to know, also.  I turned back to my feet with a solemn sigh before I continued to drop wearily to my back on the bed.  Figured I might as well get comfortable.  Thankfully it was mostly dry, thought just a little damp, still covered in blood.

"And when I saw you, you looked shocked at seeing me, so that proved we had both changed.  You didn't know me, and I didn't know you.  And when you said 'hey kid,' that annoyed me more than it ever had, so I ignored you.  And _Tess_.  Look, I said 'Hi', and we didn't click, so you can't blame that for me.  And why _should_ I have stopped cutting?  Because I had _you_?  Yeah, you were there for the fights, and we just so _fucking_ close weren't we?" My tone had transformed to a bitter growl. "Yeah, Logan, because I knew I could come to you to be accused of having sex with both a teacher and a student within two days.  Everything was just so damned _fine_.  So why the _FUCK_ DID I NEED MY RAZOR!"

"Marie, -" Logan interrupted.  Okay, I was fuming now, but at least I was lying down.  At least I could not see him, so I would not be tempted to try out these new claws.  The first time I had yelled at him in the hallway, it had felt good.  Now, I just felt like I had when all the shit I was screaming about had happened.  My fingers clenched around the sheets firmly, and I told him to shut up.  I did not _want_ to _hear_ his excuses; I had already heard them once.  Never did I glance up to look him in the face.  I did not want to see his expression; I could already smell it.

"Sorry, Logan, but you already explained that one.  You know Tess found my razor once, and she's seen my bed covered in blood before?  I had nothing to worry about though.  I gave her the excuse, and she took it…. Look, Logan, I thought this was supposed to be a talk.  Why am I the only one talking?"

"Because I need to hear where it all went wrong-where I screwed up with you, Marie."

"This isn't about you Logan." I sat up straight and looked him in the eye. "I didn't start cutting because you said or did something that made me angry or sad.  Don't try to put it all on your back.  It was my choice that came from my decisions and my motives."

"I could have stopped you." Could he have?  Did he think he could he have said or done something to change everything-to what-save the fucking day?  What made him think that he had had that kind of influence on me?  We had not had a relationship after he had returned—there had always been that façade of one since he had come back, but I would not have given up my razor for that—for that excuse for a relationship with Logan.  Not when I had needed my razor so much and when it had done so much for me.

"No, you couldn't have.  Because you didn't know, and I wasn't going to tell you."

"Why didn't you tell the Professor?  You met with him every Saturday.  What about Scott?  You could have told him during your dinners, Marie.  Why didn't you talk to anyone?" he asked.  Why had I not told Scott?  Because I liked Scott well enough not to place him in that position.  The position where he had to chose either my trust and right to privacy or what he would think was my well-being.

"Why would I tell, Logan?  So they could make me stop?  And who could I have _talked_ to?  Kitty?  Jubilee?  Why waste my breath telling them how I felt.  I wasn't going to tell them when they would never understand.  All they would do is tell a teacher that I needed help or laugh behind my back at my '_issues'_.  And I was fine with keeping it to myself.  I was _doing_ _fine_ using my razor."

"Really?  Because it seemed to me like you were isolating yourself from everyone and taking to a piece of _metal_ for release.  What?  Do you think that's natural?  You think hurting yourself affects only you?"

"Nothing about me is _natural,_ Logan!  You obviously have experienced that for yourself.  I'm sorry if I hurt you by not telling you, but I was not doing it for anyone other than myself.  It was supposed to only affect me.  What else do you want me say?  I _won't_ do it again.  That's a given.   What left is there to say?"

"That you'll come to me next time.  That you won't keep all this shit buried on the inside.  You'll talk to someone."

"… Fine.  But you need to pick your choice, Logan.  You have to be in my life or not.  You can't teeter on the edge anymore.  You can't come in occasionally to boss me around and then disappear until you feel like you want to boss me around again.  I'm not going to let you.  Our only conversations cannot consist of us fighting, or you telling me what to do.  I'll just—I'll never talk to you again if that's how it's going to be."

_Don't worry Darlin', we'll be talking nonstop from now on, _Inner-Logan announced, finally making his appearance.  His way of telling me that he was going to put every effort into not letting anything like this ever happen again.  And I hoped that he would mean it this time because maybe it would be better this way—my having an actual person to go to in place of my razor.__

"No problem, baby.  Go take your shower.  I'll be gone by the time you get out," he responded simply.  I raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"That's it?  We're done?  You don't want to know about-?" I ceased abruptly as I realized I was about to say a certain male's name. "-anything else?"  He shook his head, and I was thankful because I really did not think I wanted to talk anymore.

"Not unless you want to, Marie…" I started to shake my head, but realized that though I had told him everything I had felt like telling and that he may have been satisfied with what all he had heard, there were still some things I was curious about.

"Scott."  He looked up inquisitively almost confused. "What exactly went on between the two of you?  Did you… did you know the whole time?  Did you have a plan?  Yesterday, you were practically shoving it in my face that you were working together?  Were you?"  I looked to him anxiously awaiting the answers.

"…We talked a couple of times, Marie.  I was trying to find out what was going on.  I-He didn't know it was like this.  I didn't tell him about the blood I smelt.  I don't think he knew it was this serious." I nodded.  Of course he did not because the Rogue everyone knew was weird, creepy, but not capable of such a morbid act of slicing herself open for indulgence, fulfillment.  A loner, a lost girl, but still too innocent to ever purposely even dream of hurting herself.  So when Scott had agreed to help Logan get to the bottom of this case, he had not expected there to be a razor lying in a pool of blood in an elevator waiting there for him.  I wondered now that this was over if Scott and Logan would go back to their initial status or let their partnership grow into a companionship.  The latter would be nice as well as beneficial.  And I wondered if Scott—now that he had gone back to attending the regular dinners—would be up to an occasional student-teacher lunch because I did not want to lose what we had and especially when we had only just started to develop it.

"Anything else?" That was all I needed to know.  About Scott anyway.

"Could you talk to Bobby? …  Tell him to leave me alone?" I asked.  So maybe I was acting craven by not doing the telling myself, but it was evident that Logan would have the superior effect on Bobby—more than I would than I would.  I did not need Bobby torturing and tormenting me.  Not now and not really ever again.  He needed to get over his issues with me.  So I had hurt his pride once or twice, and maybe he liked me, but he would have to put that behind him.

_Especially since we're going to be dating,_ Johnny added, voice full of reassurance, not a modicum of uncertainty.  I wished I could be as assure as him, especially on that topic, but I was sure about nothing now.

"There's definitely going to be some… talking to Bobby and Ben," he answered.  Ben?  Why had Ben surfaced in this conversation?  I raised an eyebrow questioningly and asked him why.

"They were fighting earlier… you going to take your shower?" I recalled Ben leaving my room this morning talking to Bobby.  So they had gotten into a fight, and I had missed Bobby's ass-whooping?  What was I supposed to be feeling towards Ben now anyway?  I did not feel any anger, hate or resentment towards him, but the attraction there had once been was gone as well.  There was nothing but remorse that he had waited so long to change—to show me who he really could be.  But there was gratefulness, also, that he had because for once—well almost—was nothing standing between me and the relationship with Johnny that was waiting to happen.  Maybe Ben and I could be friends someday; maybe after things died down.

"If you see Tess could you tell her…" What did I want him to say to her?  I was not ready to talk to Tess myself yet—not in a real, serious conversation anyway.  Not so soon after her chosen actions.  'Going at it?', 'Like rabbits'?  What the hell was that supposed to have meant?  It could wait. "…that I'm sorry."

He nodded, and our conversation was over.  I stood up and then receded to the pile I had left my clothes in near the bathroom door before Logan had dragged me to the bed.

_You _do_ realize that you told Logan to shut up, right_? Johnny asked me.  I went stiff for a moment.  Shit, I had, had I not?  _Yeah_, I had.  I only hoped he had forgotten.  Picking my clothes up, I proceeded to the bathroom.  I twisted the knob, cracking it open and placed my forearm on the door easing it open a little before I stopped and turned back to Logan.

"How do I get rid of these?" I asked raising the hand holding my clothes to show him my claws.  He looked up, taking an extended glance at my claws again.  Searching for memories, maybe?

_Yeah, _Inner-Logan answered before Logan looked up at me.

"Looks like I'll be giving my first lesson," he proclaimed grinning before he stood up.

I stepped out of the shower wrapping a towel around me and sighed in gratification.  The last of the blood on my body had swirled down the drain.  I wished I could have coincidently washed away the last five months just as easily as I though back on them.  But the worst was over.  Or so I hoped.  I did not think though that life had any shit left to throw at me.

_Nothing you could not take, _Logan stated.  What the hell was he doing talking to me while I was naked?  Had I not told I him to close his eyes while I was unclothed and still dressing?  So why was he commenting on my self- fortification while I was wet and nude.

_Don't communicate with me while I'm naked! _I screamed wrenching my eyes shut harshly.  What if I had been looking in the mirror while he had said that or if I had glanced at a part of my body Logan or Johnny were not allowed to see?

_I didn't-, _he started.

_Did I stutter?!_ I asked.  He stopped talking and I waited a couple a seconds until I felt somewhat sure that he had repressed himself to open my eyes.  When I had dried myself off, running the towel awkwardly over my scarless and seeming foreign body and dressed in my clean clothes, I opened the bathroom door and stepped into the void of my room.  Logan was gone as he said he would be, and I could tell—thanks to his senses—he had left about fifteen minutes ago.  I looked to my bed to find my bed was sheetless.  He must have had taken the sheets.

_I thought you said I had to clean it up myself?_ I asked Logan fairly amused.  I did not wait for his answer and instead went to the closet to retrieve a new set of sheets for my bed.  Might as well make it now, I thought as I flipped the sheets over my bed.  Afterwards, I sat down not knowing what I was to do next.  What was going to happen after this; what if I only thought the worst had come except in the future I would find that it had only to come?  I sighed at the morbid thought and looked down at my clawless hands.  It had not taken Logan that long to teach me to resheath them.  Was not much to it, but I had found that because they were not coated in adamantium they had not quite made the same *sing* sound going in.

_You gonna pout over that, too, Darlin'? _Logan questioned sarcastically and somewhat annoyed.

_I'm not pouting, _I retorted.  So I was a little disappointed by the sound, but that was not the main source of my sorrow_.  I'm just discouraged by the future, and can you blame me?  No, exactly, you can't.  So shut up… please._

_Go talk to me.  We need to talk, _Johnny interrupted factually.

_About what? _ I asked.  Was John even an alternative here?

_Go tell me you like me.  It's time you let me know.  You still like me right? _That was a given yes, but what about him?  And what if he did not like me anymore.  What if he had moved on?  How would I know?  Though the worst he could tell me was that he was over me—that was everything.  I would not set myself up for that kind of disappointment.

_What?  Where were you yesterday when I kissed you! _Johnny exclaimed. _Look, Marie, I definitely like you.  Stop stalling and go tell me you feel the same this time._

This time.  I sighed resignedly.  This time, not like the last, he wanted me to get it right.  What if I could not though?  I had not done much right in a while.  I leaned back ready to let myself fall onto my back on the bed to contemplate more about it.

_What are you doing?  Don't lie down.  Get up on your feet, open the door and go to my room, _Whoa.  I sat up straight, somewhat startled.  Johnny had never used that tone with me before. _Look, Marie you can fix this.  You can fix us._

_…Okay, _I answered, still shocked.  I snapped back to reality.  Okay, not everything would go the worst way possible, right?  So maybe I should just stop being so pessimistic.  I stood up and headed for the door.  I was going to go talk to Johnny.  I had screwed up once, but this time I would get it right.  I hoped.  I closed the door behind me and stood still outside my room staring down the hall.

_One foot in front of the other Darlin', _Logan instructed.  Easy for him to say.  But this should not be hard, so why was I making it so?  It was only my going to talk to the boy I liked who supposedly liked me.  And he had told me himself he would say yes…

_Because you're scared,_ Logan answered.  But I could _do_ this.

_I was asking myself, _I told him.  I walked down the hall, watching Johnny's door get nearer and nearer with a sense of trepidation running through me.  There was no one in the hall at all as I walked through it.  Logan had done a good job of ridding of the wandering students.  My trail on the other hand was still present, but I doubted that Scott and Ororo were to do the cleaning themselves.  I stopped and stood inert in front of his door for a good five seconds before I knocked lightly on the door hoping Bobby would not answer it.  Damn, if Bobby answered I would turn right back around and go to my room—'Sorry Johnny, maybe another time'.  A couple of seconds later the door opened, and there was Johnny on the other side.  I started to open my mouth to say something, but it would not obey and nothing happened.

"Hey… you okay?  I thought I- Tess said something was going on, but she didn't say what…" he proclaimed, his discomfiture audible in his voice.  Well, Tess did not _know_ what was going on, but knowing her she had probably acted like she had. 

_What do I say? _ I could not start off with telling him what had happened.  That was not why I was here, and the conversation could not begin with blood.

_Fling yourself at me. _Did he actually think this was funny?  Here I was trying to '_fix us_' as he had put it, and he was making jokes? _Just trying to lighten up the mood._  I refrained from rolling my eyes. _Just tell me how you feel._

"I have to tell you something… Can I come in?" He nodded and slowly moved to the side, pulling the door open with him, to let me in.  I stepped in and tentatively took a few steps to stand a few feet from him.  I had initially wanted to go sit down on his bed, but I figured that would send across the wrong signal.  He stayed at the door, his hand on the knob, and I wondered if that was a bad sign.  And did his reluctance to remove his hand from the doorknob mean he did not trust me?  Maybe he was expecting to ask me to leave soon.  I looked down at the carpet, eyes narrowed slightly as I thought of what to say.

"…You wanted to tell me something?" he asked inquisitively.

I took a deep breath, looked up from the carpet into his eyes and told him the truth. "I've missed you, Johnny."

XVII. Therapy

A/N 2: Wow, did you see that X-Men 2 preview?  The one with JOHNNY and ROGUE and Wolvie and Bobby and the cops and Bobby's family?  That is going to be the best movie ever even if it is Iceman/Rogue (which isn't always bad)!  Anyway, there's going to be one more chapter to make this an official RYRO.  Even though I would love to leave you hanging right here, and believe me I thought about it.  Oh and are there any major loose ends I didn't close yet that I should next chapter or if need be chapters?  Tell me, please.


	18. Johnny 2

Author's note:  Okay, I listened to Christy Sand read the novelization of X2 yesterday (04.05), and it was an awesome book/movie.

Feel free to IM me.  I love talking to other writers and X-Men fans.  My AOL/AIM screen name is 'Sindarin Legolas'.   My MSN Passport is 'ebony@linkinpark.com'.  I'm thinking next story Drake won't be so bad, probably not at all, same for Jean.  That is if I can somehow find a plot opening in X2 to write about John or Rogue or Scott.  ::sighs::  suggestions anytime of the year, month, week… day.  This chapter is short, but to the point.  Thanks Mystery girl for asking to archive.  Glad to know there will finally be a RYRO site out there!  www . geocities. Com/ likeabadstar23/.  **Please review**, and thanks to those who did.  Swifty1125, _believe_ me I _so_ thought about it.  TIME FOR SOME RYRO ACTION!!!

Friday, 28 March 2003 (Friday, 04 April 2003)

XVIII. Johnny II

He stared back at me blankly.  Terror ran through me as he stood there, hand still on the doorknob, eyes scrutinizing me, but still not responding.  I felt he was going to start laughing or throw me out in any second.  I swallowed just as he removed his hand from the doorknob, wetting his lips with his tongue.  He looked as if he wanted to say something as he lifted his eyes to mine and parted his lips only to close them again.

_You're going to have to give him more ground than that,_ I was too encased in trepidation to recognize who had said it, too anxious to care, but I wished whoever had said it, had given me an example of what to say, a little help maybe.  I was going to have to take this on by myself.  Tell him what he needed to hear, what I needed to say by myself.  Right.  So why could I not say it, or even think of what it was that needed to be said?

_Just take it slow, Marie.  Calm down and don't rush it,_ Logan advised.  Right, right, calm down.  I was always getting worked up and freaked out about everything.  I could not rush this; I could expect this to happen in a second or two. I needed to take this slowly and make sure I got it right because I knew how much this meant to me now—being with Johnny.  

_Thanks, _I replied.  Take my time and _not_ screw this up.  I should just take a deep breath or something, but fear held me back from even doing that.  What if I did something stupid like hiccup or choke on the air?

_We'd try not to laugh,_ Johnny answered.  I could sense the jocularity from him and even Logan, ignored them both and decided to just go with it.  I lifted my eyes to his and saw the mirror of my uncertainty in them.

"I … didn't…." this was already hard as hell, and I had barely said anything yet.  I tried searching through my head, wanting to find something to say.  What was I supposed to say to him?  How should I start?  Should I be blunt? "I'm so sorry for–for Thursday, for choosing Ben.  I don't know why I told you no….  I didn't realize-I'm sorry.  I was an idiot."  Shit.  This was not coming out the way I had wanted it to.  I _sounded_ like an idiot.  I was stuttering on ever word that came out of my mouth, talking in phrases and none of it was making sense.  Had I even been comprehensible?  Had I said everything I needed to say?  This was not how it was supposed to come out.  It was supposed to have been articulate and _better_.  I could feel my throat clamming up, and it felt like Thursday morning all over again.  I tried opening my mouth to say something that would compensate for my rambling and stuttering only to find that I had no words to do so and closed my mouth again from fear of having the trepidation that sheathed me crawl into my body through it.  Damnit, where was this going?

"…Happens to the best of us," he answered so low I could barely hear him. "Making mistakes, I mean." I swallowed again not knowing if I should be jubilant at hearing that or despondent.  Was this his way of saying that it was okay and that he understood or that I should get over it and accept my losses?  I looked to him for the elucidation, trying to read his body language as an alternative, my anxiousness evident.  The beginnings of a grin showed on his face as he relaxed slightly, maybe sensing my uncertainty, and I still was not sure how I should feel. "… It's not something I'd hold against you." I could feel my hopes taking off.  _Please, please, let them not have to crash_, I thought pleadingly.  Then he added, his tone testing. "It's something I might even be willing to forget."

_He wants confirmation, baby, _Logan announced.

_Let me know you want more than a friendship, _Johnny instructed.  Confirmation for what I wanted, of course.  He was not sure what I was here for, so if he needed blunt then that was what I would give him.

"I want _you, _Johnny … not Ben," I responded readily, unconsciously taking a step towards him.  I wanted so much for this to be Wednesday night again.  To have another chance.  I wanted to be in his arms again.  I stopped abruptly realizing the ball was no longer in my court.  It was not my turn to choose anymore.  It was his.  His grin grew wider, and he took the initiative and stepped towards me.  That was all I needed, and I met him halfway hastily wrapping my arms around his back tightly as he pulled me into his arms, embracing and holding me with acceptance.  I swallowed back a sob and tried forcing the tears away as I laid my head on his chest, and he rested his head on mine.  It was Wednesday night all over again, but this time I would not be pulling away.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled again from his shoulder.  He nodded quietly hushing me, and I closed my eyes not wanting the tears to be absorbed by his shirt as I tightened my grasp on him almost pleadingly.

"It's fine," he told me rising his head from mine.  I brought a hand from his back and used it to wipe the tears from my face before I turned and slowly raised my head to meet his intense gaze.  He promptly unwrapped his arms from around me, bringing them to my shoulders and narrowed his eyes at seeing the tears in my eyes.  He asked if I was okay, and I nodded, looking away to conceal my disappointment from his breaking our embrace and answering that I was fine.  I apologized as I sniffed one last time, knowing it must have seemed as if there _was_ something wrong with me for crying.

"Stop apologizing," he answered as I raised my eyes back to his again.  He brought his arms from my shoulders back to around me, inspecting my face once again for tears.  I returned his stare, gazing back into his eyes for what seemed like forever, and I knew I was not afraid anymore of what they held for me.  I knew that I wanted what he had to offer to me, what we could have.  My eyes faltered and lowered to his lips for a moment, and as I brought them back to his, he leaned forward, and I did the same wanting now more than ever to feel him as mine; I closed my eyes as I felt his breath brush against my face, our noses centimeters from touching.  I wanted him for myself.

_What are you doing, Marie? _Logan asked.  My eyes flew open abruptly as I recalled that I could not kiss him now and probably could not for a while.  And as I acknowledged how close I had come to actually kissing him, our mouths no more than three inches apart, a small gasp of surprise escaped my mouth at how hastily I had forgotten that I was again untouchable.

"John," I called out stopping him, too, "I can't."

I lowered my head back onto his chest again closing my eyes, trying to avoid viewing the rejected look on his face and making sure not to loosen my grip on him and explained in a despondent whisper, "It's not because I don't want to... It's just-because of earlier.  " He sighed and pressed his face into my hair, and I could feel his breath warm as it flowed down my neck, sending a shiver down my back.

"Do you… wanna talk about it?" he asked, his voice vibrating soothingly through his chest against my head and feeling somehow familiar, or at least I wanted it to become so.  Did I want to talk about it?  Finally talk and tell him everything about my cutting, why I turned him down on Thursday, about Ben _and_ Bobby?  I really wanted him to know, and I wanted to tell him, but I did not want him to let me go; I was not ready to unwrap my arms from around him, to release him yet.

_We're going to have to do it sooner or later, _Johnny responded.  And sooner was always better than later.  I lifted my head from his chest and nodded listlessly.  He sighed again as he gradually loosened his arms from around me, staring down into my eyes the entire time.  I looked down to his shirt trying not to show my embarrassed, yet pleased countenance at how similar his reaction to letting me go had been to mine.

"So what happened?" he asked, after I had seated myself on his bed, and he had sat down into the chair he had pulled in front of me.  I looked to him, missing his touch already, to see that he was watching me the very same way Logan had been earlier during our talk—with the same curious, concerned expression in his eyes and manner.  I guess I was in for a second round of therapy.  But this time I would be disclosing more, actually telling him about Bobby and Ben and Tess everything I had not exactly wanted to tell Logan all at once.

_Just think of me as the replacement for your razor,_ Johnny commented.  I agreed silently, knowing that that was what I wanted, and started again from the beginning.__

XVIII. Johnny II


	19. Pajamas II

A/N: Thanks to Tatiana (**_MiraiXenia_**), Chiang,****Kumiko Eharu and rivaran for the ideas.  I want to thank all the reviewers and those who emailed, it took awhile, but you got me moving _and_ left me in shock.  I'm sorry for the wait.  The reasons, Gub-man, actually ranged from both typing/writing block and laziness.  I've had the chapter planned since chapter eighteen was posted, but it wouldn't come out.  I kind of gave up.  It was the curse of the black pearl (great movie).  And the worst part is that it struck me at the end of the story.  THE VERY END!  And it made me almost stop liking Ryro.  Oh, it's evil, very evil.  But my senses came back.  How could I abandon Ryro when I came up with the name (with Rio's help)?  If you have questions about the whole Logan topic, go to the bookstore and read Origin.  Epilogue will be up soon.  You'll hate me for it.  I reread it and wanted to slap myself.  I'm excited.  I feel accomplished.

Friday, 25 April 2003, Wednesday, 07 May 2003, Sunday, 06 July 2003, Sunday-Tuesday, 21-23 December 2003 (I said I'M SORRY!)

XIX. Pajamas II

I leaned back against the headboard of my bed, pulled my legs up along the new set of clean sheets and crossed my legs, sliding my feet under my thighs as I listened to Logan finish informing me of my consequences.  He was standing at the front edge of my bed, his feet slowly moving him around every once and a while as he spoke.

"-his office three times a week and again on Saturdays.  I offered, but… he said you'd need 'professional' help for your, uh, disorder.  That doesn't-"

My brows shot up.  Disorder?  Had I just heard him correctly or had my ears hopefully deceived me?  He must have made a mistake, misheard the professor because I could not deem what I had just heard.  I waited for him to correct himself.  He continued to shift around in front of me no correction coming from his mouth.  My brows furrowed in confusion.  So now, I had a _mental disorder _and needed_ 'professional help'_?  The Professor could not be serious about this.  So, since my cutting did not classify with them as acceptable, then I was _crazy_?  I tried to take in a calming breathe as the thoughts blazing of rancor swelled in my head.  This was twice as much crap as I was expecting to get from anyone, much less the professor.

_It's probably not as bad as it sounds, Marie, _Logan commented calmly.  Mental disorder: probably not as bad as it sounds, needing 'professional help' from the Professor: not as bad as it sounds.  I let out my breath irefully, stopping Logan's speech.  I averted my eyes from him and crossed my arms, slightly pissed off.

_Maybe, he meant mentally unstable_, Johnny suggested.  As if that was any better.  I did not answer him, but that definitely made more sense than what Logan said the Professor had told him the more I dwelled on it.  I did after all have four full-blown personas in my head—two of which were not locked away in my subconscious and with whom I frequently talked to and relied on advice from.  Mentally unstable indubitably covered that.

_Or maybe he got the idea that you couldn't cope with certain emotions without hurting yourself, _Logan interjected sharply_.  Maybe, Marie, what you do _is _actually a disorder._

_Maybe not_, I responded not wanting to accept that at all.  So what, was I threat to the other students, also?  I scoffed at the thought and the probability.  Mentally unstable.  I let the words roll off my tongue as the words sank in.  Logan had stopped pacing and stepped in front of my bed and was now watching me, and I stared at his shirt because I did not want to see the guilt that I knew was in his eyes for his not being able to help me.

"It's not-" he started.  He did not know what to say, and I did not need his senses to decipher that.  What could he say to a mentally ill person?

_Maybe you're taking this too far, Marie, _Johnny commented.  _It's not like they're going to put you into an insane asylum.  He said you have a mental disorder.  He didn't say it was schizophrenia._

"What kind?"  I asked Logan, cutting him off.  If I was going to be getting 'professional help', I wanted to know why.  I personally did not think I _needed_ any more help.  I had been caught and stopped.  What more help was there to be done other than keeping me from doing it again?  "What's the name?"

He sighed, and I would not have known it if I had not been staring at his chest to see the motion.  Funny, I did not take Logan for the sighing type.  I raised my eyes to meet his; only he was looking down now.  He looked weary and jaded.  It was a wonder he had not passed out yet.  He could not have gotten more than five minutes of rest in the Medilab to recover from my touch.  Not to mention, this was the second time I had died on him, and I had yet to prove that I had been a reliable investment.

"Self-mutilation.  He said you were the using the physical pain to block and get rid of the emotional pain," he lifted his gaze to me as he spoke the term.  Self-mutilation.  That was the official name.  So cutting was a disorder.  I wondered how that worked.  And where did masochism come in?  Masochism was the seeking pain for and as pleasure.  I thought that if what I did had a name at all, that was what it was.  I needed the pain, even enjoyed it sometimes.  I furrowed my brows in confusion.  Was it a symptom or something or did Magneto's mutation somehow play a part in my need and inclination towards my metal razor?  I would have to ask the professor in our next meeting.  Which was when, tomorrow?  I looked back at Logan and laughed.

"I guess that makes me a true mutie," I smiled, amused at my juvenile pun on the so-called derogatory word mutie and my 'disorder' self-mutilation.  Logan did not laugh with me.  Neither did Inner-Logan or Johnny.  Typical.  

"Never mind," I added cynically.

I followed behind Logan again as he led us downstairs, making it the second time I had played puppy to him today, and I was thinking I was too used to it, but, at least, I had also gotten used to ignoring my trail.  It would be gone soon anyway.  

Nobody was really out yet—most were still getting ready for dinner, which started soon.  Logan had wanted to leave early to avoid any drama and save me from being bombarded with stares or questions.  And I did not have a choice anymore in whether I wanted to eat at the scheduled dinners or not, and today and for a while that also included where I wanted to sit.  I would be sitting with Logan, in the seat _right_ next to him, but I did not mind.  I really did not have any interest in sitting near or with the rest of the students, and Logan sat with the other X-Men, so maybe I would be able to talk to Scott, though I strongly doubted it would happen.

I looked behind me down the hall, wondering what John was doing now.  Last time I had been in his room, earlier today, he had been alone melting a shoe from Bobby's and his 'talk'.  I had left before their talk when Bobby had come back while John had been teaching me to use my new pyrokenisis by making a flame with me.  We had finished talking about everything that had happened.  I had told him everything there had been to tell, and his response thankfully had not been what I had feared it would be, but he wanted to 'talk' with Bobby.

I turned back around and increased my speed, so I could catch up with Logan.

"Logan?  Logan, have you talked to Bobby?"  I asked, coming up along his side and hoping he had gotten it over with, so I would not have to be bothered later.

"Yeah.  You don't have to worry about him," he answered.  Who said I was worried, especially not with the two new additions to my head if I needed the assistance.

_You wouldn't._  But I did feel guilty for being the subject of John and Bobby's fight or argument or 'talk' or whatever it was that had happened.  Particularly, since I had obtained confirmation from John that I had been the subject of the first fight involving the fire alarm and the new door.

"Did you ask the professor about the claws?"  I questioned, wanting to know more about why I had them.

"Yeah.  You have them because they're mine.  They mean I had claws before the lab.  They're apart of my mutation," he answered, his face contorted with emotion as he threw a glance at his hands and rubbed his knuckles.  "There's bone under the metal.  They weren't given to me...  They're mine."  I stared at him in amazement.  They had been his before any of that stuff at the lab had happened.  I wondered why I had not known I had them or gotten them the first time he touched me on the Statue of Liberty.

"… and about earlier… when I called you 'James'?"  I added curiously.  This had happened after I had left John's room and before I had gone back.  "James" had slipped from my mouth instead of Logan, and it had caught Logan's attention and stirred up some of my memories as well as inner-Logan's.  It was not like I had just accidentally called him the wrong name.  I did not even know a James anyway.  Something had clicked inside both of our heads, and we knew it had to mean something.  He had thought that it could be a clue to his past.  I had hoped it would be.

Logan's fatigue had disappeared for the moment.  He nodded.  "I did.  He'll search my head again later.  Try to find something….  It could be my name."  I raised my eyebrows in surprise.  His name?  His real name?  _Logan_ was not his real name?  I smiled at the thought of calling Logan James from now on.  It made him seem more… reachable, even though he was more than reachable to me.

"Glad I could help," I told him, "James."

"Me, too," He grinned, "_Marie_."

"You call me thatalready.  So when are you starting your class?"  I questioned, laughing, wanting to know when I would have him for a new teacher.

"Next semester," he answered not so excitedly.  I laughed at the notion of Logan teaching a classroom full of _this_ school's students.  Having to deal with Tess, Jubilee, and Kitty all together in a class five days straight for an entire year.

_It should be interesting, _Johnny commented.  Absolutely.

The sound of a door opening drifted down the hall.  Did I have to hear everything with these new senses?  I instinctively turned around somewhat hopefully.  Ben walked out of his room and closed the door behind him.  I turned around quickly, not knowing exactly what to do or think.  We talked when I had run into him in the hallway after leaving John's room at Bobby's sudden arrival, and I had told him what had happened and how I had gotten caught.  Guilt had been running through my body at what I had said to him before and everything that had happened, but everything had seemed okay, promising no hard feelings and a maybe a friendship later, but it was hard to tell what Ben was thinking.  Logan cast him a quick glance over his shoulder and sent me a raised eyebrow.  I shrugged.  He was far enough behind us so that I could pretend I had not noticed him.

"What's the status?"  Logan asked.  I still had not told him everything about Ben and me, but he knew the basics… and probably more because he knew from his encounter with Ben what had happened Saturday night.

I sighed and answered softly with weariness suddenly in my voice, "I don't know."  It was all still unfortunately a little complicated even after the worst had passed.  I had wanted to cut him out of my life completely when I was breaking up with him, but now I still felt so guilty for using him, especially since he had come to this school because of me.

"You'll both get over it," he answered wryly, adverting his gaze ahead of us again.  I nodded knowing Ben would.  I already had.  I had John.

"Did Tess say anything about my boxers?"  Logan asked after a moment's silence.  I smiled.  He had finally taken them back after our therapy session.

"…She hasn't noticed yet," I laughed, "but when she does it'll be hell."

I ate my food slowly out of the discomfiture and awkwardness from the attention I was receiving from the occupants of my table.  In my seat next to him, Logan could keep an eye on me because we all knew what a danger I was in public, wanting to cut people up and everything, I thought sardonically.  Ororo sat next to him across from Jean.  I was not sure why the Professor was not here, but I was desperately wishing he were.  He would divert the attention from me somehow in his nice professor-y way.

I felt like the center of attention at the table.  It was not because they were all staring at me because they were not, but rather it was that if it were not for my presence here, I knew the 'incident' would be the center of the conversation.  It was not that hard with Logan's mutation to sense the anxiousness they were so well hiding outwardly.  They wanted to discuss what had happened, why it had happened, how they could keep it from happening again.  The last thing they needed was internal problems when they were facing so many external ones.  So, I avoided eye contact and looking up all together and answered the few questions directed towards me as curtly and precisely as I could.  They did not push—just as I knew they would not—and after awhile they stopped addressing me altogether.

"When's the cleaning crew arriving," Jean asked nonchalantly between bites.  The cleaning crew that would clean away my trail.  Tension slammed into my body, and I involuntarily froze at the sound of a topic that could lead to the discussion of my 'episode'.  I tried forcing myself to spear some of my food onto my fork.  My hand flinched and returned to its frozen position.  Okay, somehow my body had taken over my mind.  Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Logan look at her.  Everyone had looked at her, but he solely seemed to show any signs of being edgy.  Of course, he could still move.

"Tomorrow," Ororo answered, and then they all carried on with another conversation.  The tension drained, and I relaxed back into my chair, forgetting about my food.  Why did Logan have to make me sit with him?  Could he not see how they were affecting me, and how I was affecting them?  I sighed making sure it was not too loud to grab any attention.  I obviously could _not_ handle this.  

I looked to my right where the remainder of the table's occupants was seated, separated from us by only a couple of vacant chairs.  John or Tess had migrated the group to this table, so that they were the group that was separated from us by those empty chairs.  I was sort of glad they were there.  It made me feel less alone even though I did not want to sit with them for the simple fact that I would probably cause the same effect on them as I was causing on the adults, and I knew for a fact that they would not try or know how to hid it as well.  Not that I could not figure it out anyway.  I watched them and saw that Jubilee and Kitty were arguing.  I listened catching clips of their conversation.  Something about a visor, most likely Scott's, which meant they were probably arguing over Kitty's obsession with Scott and the glasses she had stolen from him.

_Hey, you want to talk about obsession?  You had a pair of his boxers once, _Inner-John stated.

_Hey, John, you want to shut up?  Okay!  _I retorted sarcastically.  I continued watching the group curiously.  Tess looked angry and annoyed with them.

_She'll be even angrier when she finds out about Logan taking his boxers back, _Johnny replied.  She was presently staring ominously at both Kitty and Jubilee.  Neither of them noticed.

_Very true.  She would probably force me to rat on Logan and then help her try to get them back._

_Except you wouldn't,_ Logan responded factually.

_Let's just hope I won't have to face Tess in her hour of disclosure_, I proposed.  _Especially, if it's today._

_Logan, what's her mutation? _I asked.  She was my roommate, and I did not even know what her mutation was.  That was kind of sad.  John probably even knew.  Now I was curious.

_She can manipulate the motion of air molecules around her, _Logan answered.

_So she can make wind or something,_ I thought.  _So, she is dangerous…_

John and Logan started laughing.  I ignored them and turned to look at the adults.  They were still talking.  The subject: boring.  I sneaked a peek at Scott, who sat to the left of the seat across from me, next to Jean, across from Logan, and wondered how our relationship would continue here forth.  If it would at all.  I knew there would be no more dinners.  So, what choices did that leave?  Where did that leave our relationship?  I did not want it to stop in the classroom.  I wanted it to be like what I had with Logan.  So, was I to just walk over there, touch and imprint him, I thought sardonically.

_How 'bout you don't, and we leave it at that? _ Inner-Logan suggested.  The thought of having Logan and Scott together in my head did not work anyway.  I watched him as he talked with them, wishing I knew what was going to happen next with us.

I turned away and looked straight ahead at the second dining room table adjacent to this one, and a couple of faces turned away.  I was surprised for a second, but it did not last long.  They probably did not know whether to be afraid or disgusted at what they had heard earlier about a bloody Logan and me in my room.  How long would this play out?  Definitely, longer than Thursday's rumors.  I was sure that there was already a rumor about Logan and me.

_He's probably said to be my new boyfriend,_ I thought.

_The one you left Scott for, _Johnny added.

_And now I'm trying to rub it in Scott's face by sitting with him_, I finished.  _I should wrap my arm through his or something and see how they react._

This was torture.  I had never been so bored as to hypothesize what the next rumor about me was going to be.  I played with my food a little, shoving a piece into my mouth.  

_Why don't you talk about something else, _Logan suggested, cutting out discussion short.  _It was long enough._

_You like it rough, hence the blood, _Johnny added abruptly causing me to gasp aloud and the food I was chewing to fly down my throat, choking me.  I coughed, now in a state of double shock at what was happening and what Johnny had just said.  I tried not to panic so as not to make it worse.  Someone asked me if I was okay, and I swear that if I had not been choking, I would have slapped him or her.  Did I look like I was okay?  I was choking on a piece of food.  I coughed and coughed, attracting more and more attention from everyone before finally the food painfully found it way down my throat.  Everyone calmed down as I showed signs of being okay and breathing.  I took long deep breaths.

"_Fuck_!  That hurt," I mumbled, after I had regained my breath.  My language raised a couple of brows among my group, but I did not care as I winced from the pain in my throat.

_You can apologize now, _I said edgily, rubbing my throat.  The pain was quickly subsiding on account of Logan's mutation.

_Sorry, _Johnny replied quietly.

"Marie?"  Logan half warning me for my language, half questioning if I was okay, his expression matching.  I looked up at him with feigned innocence and answered:

"I'm fine," choosing to answer the half of his tone that was questioning my current status.  I looked at the rest of the group, gave a quick halfhearted smile, turned away and let it turn into a frown of ennui and growing anger.  Is this what I would have to go through every night now?  Was this my punishment for 'being bad'?  Would I have to play sick to get out of it?  And if I did would Logan stay with me anyway as I lay on my bed faking illness?  Would he even fall for that?

_No, _Logan answered.

_I doubt it, _Johnny replied, as well.

From my right I heard someone call my name, and I turned to see that John had moved over a couple of seats and was beckoning me to meet him halfway, and I wanted to.  I wanted to move over, sit with him and not have to go through this anymore.  Logan would not care.  I was only moving three chairs over, not even out of his radar.  I bit my lip and turned to check anyway.  They had started talking again, so I nudged Logan, who turned around.  I motioned toward John with my head and asked quietly, "Can I?"

He nodded, and I turned to John, moving the chair next to me back so I could slide over, and smiled.

I walked up the empty stairs down the hallway thinking about how dinner had gone from worse to better.  How leaving the tense atmosphere and sitting with John had made things so much better.  How I did not even notice, much less care, how the students with nothing better to do stared at us and came up with their own conclusions.

I thought about the talk I had had with Scott after dinner.  I had hastily said goodnight to John, as I eyed which way Scott was leaving, and then raced to make it out before he did, so that I could catch him.  I had to find out what would happen to our friendship.  I could not just not know, especially since we had barely spoken at dinner.  We certainly had not held a conversation—his awkwardly questioning me along with the others, my terse answers.  Nothing that could tell me what our status was or how he had felt about finding my razor in the elevator in a pool of blood.  So, I had stopped him the hallway and talked to him, and he had reassured me that everything was not somehow going to be reset between us, leading us back to the beginning and erasing everything that had formed between us.  Not after all that had happened between us and he had found my razor.  We were still going to be friends, he was still going to be a mentor to me and I could still call him Scott.

After talking to him, feeling satisfied, I had encountered Tess, Jubes and Kitty in the kitchen on my way to the lounge.  I tried to pretend I had not noticed them, but Tess had asked: "Rogue?  Is it true?"  I had furrowed my brows in confusion at what she was speaking of, and then rolled my eyes, wondering what rumor it was that she was talking about and which ones had actually surfaced, and turned towards them.

"Are you and John dating?!"  Kitty had squealed loudly.  _That_ was the rumor they had heard?  Not the worst rumor I had expected.  Not that bad at all considering it was true.  I had raised my eyebrows quickly and suggestively with a smile on my face, turned back around and continued towards the lounge, still not speaking.

Jubilant shrieking had ensued, and Tess invited me over to Kitty's and Jubes's tonight for a sleepover.  I shook my head and sighed as I finally made into the lounge.  I was just glad they had not all decided to jump me with hugs.  I seriously did not need those three in my head joining the personality party.  I winced at the thought.

Then I joined Logan on the couch in the lounge, not daring to even step into the game room.  And now that most people had receded to their rooms, and Logan had waken me up from the deep sleep I had fallen into so quickly, proving how big of a toll the day had taken on me, I was walking to my room.  Logan probably needed as much sleep as I did; he had indubitably faced more stress than I had.  I entered my room, taking one last look at the trail that would be gone tomorrow, ready to fall asleep on the floor if I could not make it to the bed.  I strode to my bed and sat down on the side, a heavy sign escaping my lips as I fell onto my back, my thoughts swirling around my head forming a headache as I thought about the day.  

This day could not have happened.  I did not break up with Ben, I did not lose control, I did not get caught.  I did not have Logan's senses or his claws, Johnny and I were not together, the whole school was afraid of me but only because of what I had done to Logan the day he stabbed me with his claws.  None of this happened.  When I woke up tomorrow this would be a dream.  

_Please, let this be a dream_, I begged God, turning onto my side, shoving my face into the covers, and grasping at the bed sheets.  I closed my eyes and thought harder, wished harder for none of this to be true, not thinking I could handle it.  I wished I had liked John's fireball more than Bobby's ice rose, I had never been kidnapped by Eric, Logan had never left, and that I had never thought once about using a razor.

_You _did _like my flame more than that lame ice flower! _Johnny yelled.  I opened my eyes.  I was not sure if he was being serious or not.

_We're still here, Darlin'_, Logan stated breaking into the miasma of denial and hope.

"I know!"  I yelled into the bedspread angrily, thinking how stupid I would have sounded to anyone if he or she could see me talking to myself.  I knew they were still there, and I knew they would still be there tomorrow.  They were not the problem.  I was.  What was I supposed to do now?  How was I supposed to just start opening up and talking to Logan and John about things I did not want them to know when using my razor was so much easier?  I thought about using my new claws instead.

_If you even thought about it, I'd make sure they'd never come out, _Logan added threateningly.

_You did it! I know you did!_ I screamed angrily at his threatening to take over my body.

_You're not me! _He responded, just as irefully.

_No, you can start with us, _Johnny proposed.  _Work your way outwards.  You're not going to hurt yourself._

_I guess I don't have a choice anyway.  You hear everything I think, _I answered, my anger subsiding.  I had caused this.  I would just have to deal, I thought despondently as I let go of the bed and rolled over to sit up.

_You'd be lost without me anyway, _Johnny added jocularly.  I stood up and walked to my dresser to find a change of clothes for the night and opened a drawer only find myself staring at what was there.  No, not a razor, but the shirt and boxers Johnny had lent me the night I had slept over.

_Hey, wear that, _Johnny called out.  And I smiled, knowing I would.  I changed into his shirt, pulled on the boxers dropping my clothes on the floor, walked back to my bed and turned off the light, knowing that with Logan's senses I would be able to fall asleep to John's faded scent on the clothes.  I lay down and closed my eyes, thinking about the time I had fallen asleep to his scent on his bed.  The memories helped me remember how he smelled, and I was half-asleep when I heard a knock at the door.  I ignored it.  If it was Logan or Tess, they knew the code.  If it was an emergency, whoever it was could knock the door down or something.  I let sleep over take me again, and five minutes later, I heard my name being called softly in my ear, and I mumbled out loud for Logan or Johnny to shut up and go to sleep or whatever it was that did at night.  Someone chuckled, and I ignored it, thinking I was dreaming that I had suddenly smelled Johnny's scent inches from me.

_Just wake up, _Inner-Johnny demanded.  I told him to shut-up again.

"Marie?"  I finally opened my eyes and found myself staring into John's eyes; he was on his knees at the side of my bed.  I blinked stunned and disorientated and began to push myself up as I realized he was actually there, my eyebrows raised questioningly, wondering how he had gotten there.

"No," he said stopping me, placing a hand over my clothed shoulder, and asked, "You mind?"

Mind?  Did I mind what?  I looked at him inquisitively, still wondering what was going on.  "If I get in?  I'll stay on top of the covers.  I have on long sleeves."  He said showing me his arms.

_Yeah I mind, _Logan said pissed.  This was a little more 'playing with boxers in pajamas', which even that he had not condoned.

_I don't mind, _Johnny proclaimed.  I shook my head no to inner-Johnny's delight, and he climbed over me to lie on my other side.  I laughed in amusement at John's superman pajama bottoms as he climbed over, and I remembered the first time I had seen him wearing them.  He smiled back.

"Nice," he commented, his grin growing wider as he ran his eyes over me noticing my choice of clothing.  I stopped laughing as I remember that I was wearing his clothes.  Inner-Johnny burst out laughing, and I growled at him in my head to shut up since it had been his idea, and pulled the covers up to my chest.

"Thanks," I answered mortified that he had found me like this.  I felt like some obsessed girl like Tess with Logan's boxers or Kitty with Scott's glasses… or Kitty just with Scott.

"If wearing it helps you sleep at night.  Tess gave me the code," he told me, wrapping an arm around me.  Funny, how that had actually been the purpose of my wearing his clothes.  I nodded, tried to make my heart stop beating so fast as I adjusted myself in his arms and ducked my head down, anxiously placing the top of my head against his chest and making sure only his shirt and my hair made any contact.  My eyes were wide open despite my profusion of fatigue.  I did not think I had ever been this close to someone in my bed since Cody, and the memories of what had happened with him still freshly haunted my mind.  I did not want a repeat of that, but I did not want to kick John out.  I heard him sigh tiredly as he made himself comfortable wrapping himself around me safely and resting his chin atop of my head.  I breathed in his scent surrounding me and listened to his heartbeat reverberating alluringly in my ears, and slowly the tension melted from my body, and I closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would bring with it more relaxation.  I lay quietly breathing him in softly and learning the rhythm of his heart, and I had almost fallen asleep to his scent and his heartbeat when he called my name.

 "Hmm?"  I answered quietly and half-asleep.  I moved closer, pressing myself into his warmth, having forgotten all my previous fears.  He was silent for a moment, and I doubted that he had actually called my name at all.  

"…  Love you," he told me.  I opened my eyes slowly and looked up to see that his eyes were closed.  I could sense that he was half-awake and now drifting back into sleep.  I lowered my head slowly unsure if I had just heard what I thought he had said.  Had he said he _loved_ me?  My mouth parted, but nothing came out I was still in doubt at what I had heard.  Love?

_Yes, I do, and you love me, too,_ Inner-Johnny sang.

I closed my eyes and swallowed nervously, hoping I was not about to make a fool out of myself because I was hearing things and whispered, barely able to speak and with a smile forming on my lips, "…I—I love you, too."  

XIX. Pajamas II


	20. Epilogue

A/N: Thanks everyone who reviewed, helped or influenced me.  There are so many names/pennames.  Thanks everyone.  Finally, it's over.

Tuesday, 22 April 2003 – Saturday, 26 April 2003

Epilogue.

*One month later*

"Thank you, Professor," I replied forcing most of the excitement from of my voice, instead choosing to remain as stoic as I could as I stood up.  This had happened before; I had experience this exact event once before, so I could and would treat this as if it were any other normal episode happening because more devastating and exhilarant things had occurred in the course of my sixteen years.

_Yeah.  Me. _Johnny stated factually.  He had no idea how much truth his words held because despite what he thought, having him in my head twenty four-seven was not always exactly the privilege he claimed it was. _What's that supposed to mean?_

But in spite of my will, the exhilaration was all but leaking off my body language as I almost toppled my chair over, forgetting to step aside before I backed away from his desk.  I grabbed the back hurriedly trying to stop its fall, caught it halfway to the ground and proceeded to tilt it back up.  There went all proof that I was not an idiot.

_A little spastic are we, Marie?_ Logan asked.  A little clumsy, maybe.  Spastic, no.  And my manner was only so because I had not been expecting this now, not for a while really, but maybe because it had happened before my mind had never totally forgotten it, making it easier to accomplish again.

_A little smart-ass are we, Logan?_ I retorted, smiling outwardly enjoying one of the advantages to having him _in my head—_getting away with saying things like that and not having to deal with the consequences I would have with the real Logan.  

I apologized to the professor, and he raised an eyebrow, surely amused, in response.  I let out a frustrated breath and decided that I needed to chill out, and regain my composure.  But, damn, I was excited.  The professor smiled.

"Surely it can't be that bad, Rogue," he stated a hint of levity in his voice.  I froze and stared at him impassively.

_He has no idea_, Logan commented, Johnny agreeing.  No, it was not that bad.  Not when I had a goal to achieve.  I knew that they had to be saying that only because they were trapped inside my head.

"No, that's not-" I started.  I had not meant to insult him.  He smiled knowingly.

"I know, Rogue.  I'll see you next week," I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me.  At least Logan and Johnny would appreciate that we were back on a once-a-week schedule.  I knew specifically what I needed to do next, specifically what I wanted to do.  As soon as I had slipped the door into place, I let the grin cover my face and headed promptly for the second floor.  This was what I had been waiting for, for so long now.  This was what I had gone to the Professor for everyday.  For just _this_.  Finally, I thought as I raced up the stairs.  Yeah, I had some news to spread.  Some _very_ good news just for Johnny.

_Yeah, I know I'm going to like this surprise. Make it good, _Johnny commented in good humor similar to mine.  Of course, I would make this good—for both of us.  How could I dare not to?  I was sure this would be just as gratifying to him as it was to me.  And if it was not, I would make it so.  I pulled my gloves off and shoved them in my back pants pocket as I sped up the stairs, taking them two at a time, still grinning.  Yeah, I would make this _really_ enjoyable.  All my efforts to remain as stoic as possible had long ago fled my mind and even more so as I rushed down the hall and stopped in front of his door feeling ecstatic, proud and fretful all at once.  All three emotions overwhelmingly controlling my thoughts—suffocating almost, but bearable just the same.  I let out an anxious breath, knocked and bit my bottom lip before bursting out in a grin again as I waited.  My mind went through a thousand scenarios of what I was going to say, how I could tell him and how he would react.

_I'm not really the type to jump around like that, babe, _Johnny mentioned after tapping into one of the scenarios.

_I'd hope not, _Logan responded.  I rolled my eyes, still waiting for the door to open.  Was he even in his room; he had said he would be here after my meeting with the Professor.  He had always been there to let me fall asleep next to him after I came back exhausted.  Why was he not opening the door?

_Don't get stressed out because he didn't open the door before you knocked, Marie, _Logan warned.  Well, maybe he should have.  Was it _that_ much to ask for?  The door opened just then, and John looked out from around it.

"Hey," I greeted smiling immediately, the ecstasy refilling in me.  He grinned back, told me to hang on, and opened the door a second later, one hand holding the door open, the other clutching the towel wrapped around his waist.  It was then that I noticed that that was all he was wearing, his hair was wet and that he must have gotten out of the shower not to long ago.

"_Oh_," I gasped at seeing him so close to being naked.  He practically _was_ naked and only one snatch away from being so.  My head tilted slightly.  If only I had punched in the code instead of knocking…  I shook that thought from my mind.

_Don't act like you don't want me,_ Johnny responded.

_Shut up. _I responded.  If Logan had disapproved of our hanging out in our pajamas and our 'sleepovers', I could only wonder to what extent he disagreed with this—John clad in only a towel, and my wishing he was not. 

"What?"  He asked, confusion in his voice.  I dragged my eyes from the towel to his face, spotting the grin there and shook my head.  Then I remembered why I was here and walked in, letting him close the door behind me, and then smiling, raised my hands up showing their bareness to him.  He walked around me away from the door and looked mystified as he stared at my hands while tightening his towel.  Once again, I had to pry my eyes from the towel.  He looked at me questioningly.

"Come on, Johnny, guess," I said impatiently anxious when he did not say anything.

"Did you lose your gloves?"  He turned around and looked around the room, and I watched him.  Was it me or was the air getting thinner in here?  I ogled his beautiful shoulders, his beautiful back, his beautiful...  "Maybe you left them here."

_Here's your chance to snatch that towel from around my waist, Roguey, _Johnny announced. _I really don't think I'll mind._

_Don't even try, _Logan demanded.  I disregarded them both.  Okay, so maybe John was not catching on to the not so best of clues.

"No, they're in my back pocket," I told him losing patience by the second.  I mean that could only mean one thing!  I stepped forward dropping my arms as he turned around.

"Don't understand," he stated.  Fine, so maybe I would have to show him.  I could do that.  I could _enjoy_ that.  I reached out quickly deciding how I would do this, and he stared uncomprehendingly at my hand not moving, not even flinching as I laid it on his shoulder.  That alone made me smile.  His composure, his trust when it came to my touching him.  Like he had not one misgiving about what would happen.  I raised my other hand before he could say anything and pulled his head to mine connecting his lips with mine in a kiss.  He was unresponsive for a second, shocked, stunned, puzzled maybe.  And then, finally registering that my mutation was not kicking in, he relaxed, reacted and kissed me back.  I opened my mouth, letting him slip his tongue inside.  Oh yeah, _this_ was what I had been waiting so long for.  For the feeling I had underwent back on the couch the first time this had happened. His skin against mine, his _lips_ against mine.

I all but melted as I felt him slip an arm around my back pulling me towards him, bringing us closer.  The sensation of his mouth against mine was a feeling I wanted to savor, something I wanted to last.  He started to pull away, and I tightened my grip on his shoulder before I reluctantly let him.

"This is what you wanted to tell me, right?" he asked.  I nodded, and he leaned in bringing his face to the side of mine.  His breath flowed against my ear, and he disclosed softly, "It's exactly what I wanted to hear."

I smiled, more pleased now than I had been when I had finally regained control, and slid my arm down from his shoulder to his chest, the bare skin sliding welcomingly underneath my fingers.  I trailed my hand over the side of his shoulder and left it there.  "It's exactly what I wanted to say, " I replied before turning to recapture his lips with mine once again in a kiss where the feeling engulfed me.  His hand was clasped high above my waist, and I couldn't help but realize that he had just left the towel unsupported.  I moved involuntarily, my leg pressing hard grinding between his.

_Whoa, Roguey!  A little anxious are we! _Johnny exclaimed. It was an accident.  It had been _completely_ uncontrolled. _Yeah, and you're going to say I did it next, right?_

_Marie, _Logan growled warningly.  The growl reverberated in my throat, and I felt in effect John's hand move away followed by his entire body.  My eyes flew opened in panic, and I saw that not only was he holding his towel again, but the expression on his face was one of wonder and surprise.  I averted my eyes from his face and wetted my lips nervously, tasting him on my lips with my tongue.

"Logan," I explained—his name coming out in a not so pleasant tone.  I looked up, and he smiled with comprehension.  He understood how he and Logan were rooted in my head, how they were apart of me and would continue to be even if I allowed them to fade out.  They were _imprinted_.

"Let me guess.  He didn't like that?" Johnny asked.  Exactly.

_Smart kid,_ Logan commented, his tone still menacing.  It would be impossible to do anything with Logan basically supervising and constantly interrupting us.

_Yes, I am, _John answered.

"No.  He didn't," I answered.

_Logan, you ruined the freaking mood,_ I told him when the silence ensued and issued a moment of awkwardness.  

_Good_, he answered.  Jerk.  Glancing up again, I stared at Johnny as he glanced around the room.  For his clothes maybe.  Maybe I should take Inner-Johnny's advice and snatch that towel.  I was sure whatever happened after that would be better than what this moment had transcended into.

"I need to use the restroom," I told him.  He nodded and said okay, and I headed to the bathroom door, watching him turn and walk slowly to his bed and drop down onto it, the towel still clutched in his hand, and I wished he would just let go.  How he had managed to keep it on during the previous episode was a mystery to me.  His mind had to have obviously been on other things than his towel.  Well, I guess mine had not been.  Maybe I was just speaking for myself.  I entered the bathroom and hoped that when returned that hopefully I would interrupt something…

_Is that code for 'be naked when I come back out', _Johnny asked. 

_Uh huh.  If you want it to be, _I answered.  I did not really have to use the restroom.  I had only wanted out after Logan had screwed everything up.  A little time to figure out what I wanted to happen when I went back out there.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, taking in the way I looked.  My hair looked fine, my clothes, too.  So much different from that night with Ben outside the library, except one thing alike—I felt flustered all the same, even more now, but this time it was stimulating in the best way ever.  It was Johnny.

I still needed to give him a little more time to dress, so I would entertain myself.  As I looked around the bathroom, I saw out of the corner of my eye something gleam in the light.  I turned, removing my hands from the counter, to find myself staring at John's shaving razor lying on the counter.  My mind flashed back to my razor.  I had not used, nonetheless, _seen_ my razor in over a month.  My eyes narrowed at the memories of everything that had happened on and since that Sunday.  It had been more than a strain to not try to find a replacement ever since then.  Even though I knew it would be impossible to use if I did.  It had been anything but fun to have Logan take over my body when I had come to the decision to try and do so, and it had been more than shaming to have to feel Logan and John's disappointment when it _had_ come to that.  I stared at it lying there remembering all the crap I had been through and realized I was being tempted to take it apart, take one of the small razors for a temporary replacement and make up for the lost time.

Neither Logan nor John was talking.  I had expected something from Logan, some opposition, some reasoning at least at my even evoking my razor.  He knew I had more control now, too.  If I wanted I could pick up that razor and leave with it, and Logan could do nothing more now than reside in my head and try to stop me through his words.  He and Johnny both could do nothing but be disappointed.  I had been clean for a month, and that could all end now.

And I wanted to take that razor.  I wanted to walk out of this bathroom, with it clutched in my hand, back into his room, give him an excuse and a kiss and then leave.  Go to my room, take it apart, tell myself this would be the last and only time I would do this and then _play_ with my new replacement.  But I knew Logan would indubitably find out—I was in the brunt of his perusal, he was my _shadow_.  I knew that it would damage our relationship and hurt him.  I knew it would hurt John and damage our relationship, too.  And I knew I did not want any of that, but I also knew I was still weak and that temptation was still strong.  And I sighed because I _knew_ all these things, but I still _wanted_ to do it.  It would be pointless to take it and use it, that I would only be pressing the restart button on this cycle of hell.

I stared all the time contemplating what to do.  I needed to decide now whether I was going to look away or pick it up and sheath it somewhere enigmatic from view.  One small decision that had me feeling like I had the weight of the world on my back, and I had to make it.  And I verily and desperately wanted Logan to take over my body again or John to miraculously burst through the door and make the decision for me. 

No, I had to do this myself, I thought.  I had to choose to save or perpetually ruin my life myself.  I could do this by _myself_.  And as I eyed the razor studying it, I recalled the rush, the relief, the outlet, the pleasure…  and the guilt, the resentment, the destruction, the abyss the small piece of metal had given me, I knew what I was going to do, and a faint smile played on my lips…

Epilogue.


End file.
